BPD

It took me forever to understand FA style because, intellectually reading about it through sparse "anxious-avoidant insecure attachment" descriptions that came across more as an afterthought in most articles, it just sounded like shorthand for BPD and don't date a-a, just let them go to therapy. I also don't have firsthand experience with BPD and don't really know what it looks like. So for a long time I was just like oh, okay, both these things sound really foreign to me, and I didn't think much else about it.

But now I think they're pretty different and manifest differently because they've both developed as defense mechanisms at different times of life to different types of experiences.

Based on what you've said in other posts about yourself, if your life and feelings about yourself were relatively stable until just a few years ago, and your therapist hasn't overtly steered you towards BPD, I'd doubt you have it. It's a spectrum disorder, so people can share some of its attributes, but you'd have been struggling with signs of it and with a lot of unstable inner turmoil since you were a child. My understanding of these PDs is they are pathologically ingrained at a young age, often in direct response to bad trauma, and you kind of stop emotionally maturing when it happens. People with BPD really suffer with emotional regulation and not having a sense of self identity. I've read that there's a lot of "inexplicable" feelings of emptiness in addition to being overwhelmed when feelings happen. All that jumbles into self-harm tendencies. Plus, they split black/white, and have a lot of trouble with holding opposing ideas about something in their head. Ie, my friend Tom is wonderful because he made me feel good by complimenting me, but wait, did he now just insult me? He was never my friend, a friend can't do that, how could I have ever thought he was good! -- instead of, Tom is my friend but sometimes is also insensitive.

Though again, I'm qualifying this with I'm not inter-personally familiar with BPD (but I know something about PD because I'm very familiar with NPD).

I think it's good to continue focusing on owning your issues, such as avoidance, but if you FELT like you were abused by your ex, then that's totally valid and you can consider exploring signs of abuse and healing from it. If you're questioning it, there's a ton of resources with lists of signs of emotional abuse you can start looking through and discuss with your therapist. Even if you weren't outright abused, it sounds like you put up with a lot you really weren't comfortable with in the name of having those highs. It does become like a chemical addiction in your brain, and working through it from that angle may help you heal somewhat.

But it won't automatically fix the self esteem issues and trust issues you probably also have to make you prone to having an FA style and getting into a toxic relationship like that. It's just one layer intertwined with a few issues, some of which can be "blamed" on different things, but all of which are your own responsibility to heal from (assuming that's your goal).

It's late here in the UK, so will post a bit more tomorrow and reflect on the posts above then.

Just one thing I've read in an article on the condition...

"They can feel distressed over minor separations from people who they feel close to, as a result of business trips or sudden changes of plans, for example."

My ex dumped me the day I got back after being abroad for a week! Ha. I did wonder about the timing of that before

But there's so much more I'm reading about that chimes with her behavior, and some of it with mine too. It's really making my head feel wobbly.

Been reading lots today.

This article is my relationship, to a tee

www.sharischreiber.com/waif.html

I'm absolutely fuzzled. Can't believe it.

Maybe I am FA, but those feelings have been amplified by this girl. She is a complete "BPD Waif". Everything she has done is in the article, word for word. I'm shocked. I've been in an abusive relationship and I had no idea. I took the blame for everything

Jacob, yeah, she saw something in me that drew us together. I am stunned. Really thought she was the sweet lovely but troubled vulnerable girl who needed to be rescued (just like my mum). But it's all a sham.

I need to sort my rescuer complex out. I need to save myself, not anyone else.

Jesus, I'm in a bit of shock at the moment. That article above, and this one too... Its my life for the last three years, every single thing noted was my relationship.

www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

I've heard FAs are susceptible to toxic relationships, and thought initially I had escaped, or it was just me that was the toxic one. Now I'm seeing things very differently. F**k.

i understand your shock and horror.
I went through some very shocking realizations about my mother's behavior as she was in her dying process and exposed to observation from professionals and people outside of her controlled environment. I always knew it was bad, and had come to a lot of healing and internal reconciliation about it before i began taking care of her in her last months.

Her cruelty (aimed strictly at me) was witnessed by professionals who illuminated me to the idea that all along, it was intentional. Not just ignorant, dysfunctional, pain-riddled, confused, unskilled.... no- intentional cruelty.

This is all that made sense. Things i had processed and come to terms with, always remained a little incomprehensible. But i had to let it go at some point. I really did have to focus on my own internal process to liberate myself from her abuse.

In her last days, i ended up spontaneously recalling so many traumatic events and realities of my life, from childhood to adult as she remained kind of a predator all the way into my adult life, literally until the last days. suddenly, it all made sense. When viewed through the lens of intent, instead of accident, it all made chilling sense. And, rather than retraumatizing me, it gave me a new level of acceptance and peace, i was able to let it go even more. I didn't think i needed to, i felt pretty peaceful and accepting and healed as it was by that point after many years of work. But it was the final puzzle piece.

I don't know if her dx is BPD. Lots of the behaviors. And then some. it was creepy because she was a real cerebral type, and cunning.
I don't know all about BPD- and if any cruelty associated with the condition is intentional. Hers was, her lack of empathy was chilling and she could actually watch torture videos with fascination rather than repulsion!!! *shudder*
she was a mixed bag of really damaging stuff. She also could be incredibly nice to be around- she had a great sense of humor, cute and clever. And had some real character strengths, she wasn't black and white. Which made it super difficult to navigate , until i got my bearings with it.

At any rate, i am sorry that you have experienced this, but this awareness will ultimately liberate you.

What a lot to process. Glad you're here!

This exactly describes the BPD person I am close to as well. Having airtight boundaries is excellent advice. It is actually beneficial to the person with BPD as well - always doing what they want and trying to rescue them doesn't help them learn to take care of themselves and shows them that their manipulative tactics work. But it can be very hard because they will go to extremes to control you, even threatening suicide. And they often actually DO take their own lives. There is a strong association between BPD and insecure attachment. I read somewhere that people with BPD are most likely to have a mix of the insecure attachment styles. The person I know oscillates between appearing AP, FA and DA and also recounts attachment experiences inaccurately. For example she might say "I never worry about whether or not people care about me," yet I'll have seen her screaming at someone about how they don't love her, yelling at someone that they "abandoned" her because they wanted to go home from a party an hour before her, or sending off 15 upset texts about not being invited over.

I think someone with BPD is a toxic mix with anyone, but especially anyone who doesn't have a secure attachment style. I'm AP and I'm drawn to rescue people as well.