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Post by kristyrose on Aug 14, 2018 17:27:54 GMT
Hey everyone,
I recently re-took Jeb's self assessment and I tested Secure. I was quite certain I'd still test as AP, so I was surprised and delighted. The last time I took the test was 2 years ago and I read through my answers in the free form section and can see and feel where I was quite anxious with my ex. At that time we were together, but now we are not and still seeing each other.
I started EMDR last summer to accompany my 7 years of cognitive behavioral therapy- both have been very hard but extremely helpful as I continue to recover from past abuse and neglect in my childhood.
I guess I still can see my AP tendencies and this week feels like I'm going backwards after making so many strides ahead. My ex had a friend in town this past weekend, also my friend but only through him, so I told him mid week I would give him space and see his friend on my own. I wanted to be sure he didn't feel any pressure to invite me to group activities or any stress in telling me no if I asked to hang out. I was hoping this would help us both, but it didnt. Ultimately he invited me to a short gathering at a park, I went, it was easy and fun and then I went off to see other friends. I thought that was it, and was fine with it all, until the next day, Sunday I was with some friends and his best friends wife, she invited them all to hang with us and he went. I felt a bit uncomfortable because when i saw him, he didn't look comfortable either, so the rest of the evening was us being a bit weird with each other in the group. For context, we hang out every weekend just us, and we are still intimate and affectionate and we are not seeing others.
At any rate, I started to drink more than I should while we were out to numb my feelings. It can be hard to be with him in a group because he will either be warm towards me and act as he normally would, or, he distances himself and it feels very awkward and hurtful. Anyway, so at the end of the night, he offered a ride home and i took it, when we got to my place I asked him if he wanted to come up for a bit, he said no he had work to do, after already feeling sad about the way we were with each other, I took it hard and got quiet. Then he tried to hug me goodbye and i have him a very half-hearted hug while I searched for my keys. I got out of the car, angry and once he drove away I realized then I didn't have my keys, there were at my friends house. I called him to see if he could take me to their place, but he said he was half way home already and so I hung up on him. He tried to call back but I would not take his call. Apparently he had pulled over to try to connect with me so he could pick me up, I didnt know this. Anyway i then sent him a number of texts explaining that I felt badly about things, that I was uncomfortable that night etc but he ignored me. Next morning I apologized for the texts and behavior and asked if we could have a quick phone call. He refused and said I acted unfairly to him and that he had warned me he would be giving all of his attention to his friend etc., and that he didn't deserve my behavior and that i was the one acting weird.
Well, he was right. I did act weird and I was too buzzed to even know if it was just me or us both. Honestly he has done this in the past, made sure to keep distance in groups in a way that even makes others comment, so I'm aware of that. So I texted that it was indeed me acting like a child, I was feeling hurt and uncomfortable and should have left when I felt this way instead of staying and drinking too much. I told him it was my fault entirely, it was this time and of course I haven't heard back since my apology. I also told him that going forward I will hang with the group separately from him and that no one is to blame, this just feels right for me.
I guess I'm posting this to acknowledge I'm a work in progress and that I did indeed act out. I had a hard time regulating my emotions and ultimately did what I said I would not, which is encroach on his time with friends.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 14, 2018 18:08:57 GMT
Hey everyone, I recently re-took Jeb's self assessment and I tested Secure. I was quite certain I'd still test as AP, so I was surprised and delighted. The last time I took the test was 2 years ago and I read through my answers in the free form section and can see and feel where I was quite anxious with my ex. At that time we were together, but now we are not and still seeing each other. I started EMDR last summer to accompany my 7 years of cognitive behavioral therapy- both have been very hard but extremely helpful as I continue to recover from past abuse and neglect in my childhood. I guess I still can see my AP tendencies and this week feels like I'm going backwards after making so many strides ahead. My ex had a friend in town this past weekend, also my friend but only through him, so I told him mid week I would give him space and see his friend on my own. I wanted to be sure he didn't feel any pressure to invite me to group activities or any stress in telling me no if I asked to hang out. I was hoping this would help us both, but it didnt. Ultimately he invited me to a short gathering at a park, I went, it was easy and fun and then I went off to see other friends. I thought that was it, and was fine with it all, until the next day, Sunday I was with some friends and his best friends wife, she invited them all to hang with us and he went. I felt a bit uncomfortable because when i saw him, he didn't look comfortable either, so the rest of the evening was us being a bit weird with each other in the group. For context, we hang out every weekend just us, and we are still intimate and affectionate and we are not seeing others. At any rate, I started to drink more than I should while we were out to numb my feelings. It can be hard to be with him in a group because he will either be warm towards me and act as he normally would, or, he distances himself and it feels very awkward and hurtful. Anyway, so at the end of the night, he offered a ride home and i took it, when we got to my place I asked him if he wanted to come up for a bit, he said no he had work to do, after already feeling sad about the way we were with each other, I took it hard and got quiet. Then he tried to hug me goodbye and i have him a very half-hearted hug while I searched for my keys. I got out of the car, angry and once he drove away I realized then I didn't have my keys, there were at my friends house. I called him to see if he could take me to their place, but he said he was half way home already and so I hung up on him. He tried to call back but I would not take his call. Apparently he had pulled over to try to connect with me so he could pick me up, I didnt know this. Anyway i then sent him a number of texts explaining that I felt badly about things, that I was uncomfortable that night etc but he ignored me. Next morning I apologized for the texts and behavior and asked if we could have a quick phone call. He refused and said I acted unfairly to him and that he had warned me he would be giving all of his attention to his friend etc., and that he didn't deserve my behavior and that i was the one acting weird. Well, he was right. I did act weird and I was too buzzed to even know if it was just me or us both. Honestly he has done this in the past, made sure to keep distance in groups in a way that even makes others comment, so I'm aware of that. So I texted that it was indeed me acting like a child, I was feeling hurt and uncomfortable and should have left when I felt this way instead of staying and drinking too much. I told him it was my fault entirely, it was this time and of course I haven't heard back since my apology. I also told him that going forward I will hang with the group separately from him and that no one is to blame, this just feels right for me. I guess I'm posting this to acknowledge I'm a work in progress and that I did indeed act out. I had a hard time regulating my emotions and ultimately did what I said I would not, which is encroach on his time with friends. Ouch Kristyrose. Sounds like a really tense evening and yes - you and we all are, a work in progress. It sounds as though you've explored a great deal through therapy and that is really wonderful - not easy. I suppose my question remains, what is the hole that this painful and tumultuous relationship is covering for you. If he were no longer present, what would be beneath - what emotion that needs your attention? Under the clinging - that is the holding on to that which is hurting, there's always some kind of emotion waiting to be allowed space and to be breathed into with kindness. Maybe you're not there in a place to actually let go - but it may be interesting to explore this none the less since once you can truly experience what's beneath in all it's gory detail, you'll be free to do as you choose with regards to your ex and no longer bound into what sounds like a difficult dynamic. You seem extremely self aware and it's obvious that his behaviour is not healthy and your remaining attached to him comes from a past wound - sometimes it seems to me that going into details of the actual dynamic involved and heaping blame on either party is another concealed way of avoiding whatever is underneath which is the part of you that really needs and calls for your loving presence. Drinking to numb feelings is - for me anyway, a sign of deserting myself which is a tragedy - stick with it - there are lessons to be learned here. |
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 14, 2018 19:28:03 GMT
ocarina, Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I do keep thinking that I'm not tapping into something...that I make little break-throughs, but I haven't quite reached the core. I agree, my relationship with him covers up a hole. I feel at times that I just simply love and miss him, that his willingness to keep seeing me as well means we are just meant to be together and love each other. Then the reality hits that we are both just trapped, locked in a dance with each other acting out old pain. I tried dating others earlier this year and moving away from him, but I realized I was just trying to distract myself from the inevitable pain I need to face, so I stopped. Of course when I stopped seeing others, I saw my ex more. I think my heart falsely believes he loves me because he keeps coming back over and over. I have to work hard to remind myself we both are hurting and afraid to leave the familiar. I tend to kid myself and deny reality because it just hurts so badly to see us both suffer. When we are together, there is such a lovely bond and my heart aches wishing it were real and could manifest into a loving relationship. I'm just making it harder for myself.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 14, 2018 20:30:48 GMT
ocarina , Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I do keep thinking that I'm not tapping into something...that I make little break-throughs, but I haven't quite reached the core. I agree, my relationship with him covers up a hole. I feel at times that I just simply love and miss him, that his willingness to keep seeing me as well means we are just meant to be together and love each other. Then the reality hits that we are both just trapped, locked in a dance with each other acting out old pain. I tried dating others earlier this year and moving away from him, but I realized I was just trying to distract myself from the inevitable pain I need to face, so I stopped. Of course when I stopped seeing others, I saw my ex more. I think my heart falsely believes he loves me because he keeps coming back over and over. I have to work hard to remind myself we both are hurting and afraid to leave the familiar. I tend to kid myself and deny reality because it just hurts so badly to see us both suffer. When we are together, there is such a lovely bond and my heart aches wishing it were real and could manifest into a loving relationship. I'm just making it harder for myself. That's a pleasure Kristyrose. I think that deep down you know the score with this man - and that attaching to him - or even dating others, is keeping you from something that you'd rather not face. It must become more difficult with time since the neural pathways become well worn and to a certain extent, he and this dance become habit. Breaking habits is difficult but absolutely doable - I don't know if you follow the blog zen habits? The author has some great tips re creating healthy habits in a very small way and continuing with them for a month until they are cemented, before adding another layer to the behaviour and going through the same process. I wonder if this would help empower you and solidify some boudaries? Just a thought. There is, I believe, beneath this all, a great opportunity for healing if and when you're ready to stare whatever is beneath this in the face. If and when you are - we will all be here for you. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 14, 2018 21:15:07 GMT
Oh boy can I relate to you kritsyrose. I also have a very hard time letting go, I try to do the casual thing, become overwhelmed emotionally, act out emotionally...it's all so painful. I've also done the whole trying to date and when it doesn't work going back to the ex thing for sure.
Good on you for owning your emotions.
I think ocarina made some great points. I need to heed that advice myself.
I have to run right now but know I've been there and understand completely. We're all here to learn and grow, so be gentle with yourself.
Hugs.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 16, 2018 16:58:26 GMT
ocarina , Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I do keep thinking that I'm not tapping into something...that I make little break-throughs, but I haven't quite reached the core. I agree, my relationship with him covers up a hole. I feel at times that I just simply love and miss him, that his willingness to keep seeing me as well means we are just meant to be together and love each other. Then the reality hits that we are both just trapped, locked in a dance with each other acting out old pain. I tried dating others earlier this year and moving away from him, but I realized I was just trying to distract myself from the inevitable pain I need to face, so I stopped. Of course when I stopped seeing others, I saw my ex more. I think my heart falsely believes he loves me because he keeps coming back over and over. I have to work hard to remind myself we both are hurting and afraid to leave the familiar. I tend to kid myself and deny reality because it just hurts so badly to see us both suffer. When we are together, there is such a lovely bond and my heart aches wishing it were real and could manifest into a loving relationship. I'm just making it harder for myself. That's a pleasure Kristyrose. I think that deep down you know the score with this man - and that attaching to him - or even dating others, is keeping you from something that you'd rather not face. It must become more difficult with time since the neural pathways become well worn and to a certain extent, he and this dance become habit. Breaking habits is difficult but absolutely doable - I don't know if you follow the blog zen habits? The author has some great tips re creating healthy habits in a very small way and continuing with them for a month until they are cemented, before adding another layer to the behaviour and going through the same process. I wonder if this would help empower you and solidify some boudaries? Just a thought. There is, I believe, beneath this all, a great opportunity for healing if and when you're ready to stare whatever is beneath this in the face. If and when you are - we will all be here for you. Hi Ocarina, Thank you so much for the recommendation. I will absolutely check this out. I need to pull as many resources and I can. He hasn't responded to my apology, it's been 3 days, not a huge amount of time, but enough to activate my anxiety just a bit. I've been able to manage it and haven't reached out to him. We had agreed not to ignore each other and improve our communication, but I know stonewalling and withdrawing is his go-to. I usually do nothing when he pulls away because it only makes things worse to reach out. However, I need him to know that he is treading on my boundaries and that I will not engage like this. So, going to send him a brief message and then move on from this stupid argument. He can be very unforgiving for even the smallest transgression. |
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 16, 2018 17:06:44 GMT
Oh boy can I relate to you kritsyrose. I also have a very hard time letting go, I try to do the casual thing, become overwhelmed emotionally, act out emotionally...it's all so painful. I've also done the whole trying to date and when it doesn't work going back to the ex thing for sure. Good on you for owning your emotions. I think ocarina made some great points. I need to heed that advice myself. I have to run right now but know I've been there and understand completely. We're all here to learn and grow, so be gentle with yourself. Hugs. Hi notalone, Sounds like we both are in the same boat! Thank you so much for the support. That is exactly what happens, I try to be casual, easy, then the emotions kick in. I don't think this is just an AP thing either, I think its natural to have feelings for someone that you shared years with, still are intimate with and get mixed signals from. I was deeply in love with him during our relationship and after he broke up with me, I went NC and worked hard for 2 months to stay away. He pursued me so hard after dumping me, that it was almost impossible to stay strong. he lead me on, but its my fault now that I continue to stay a whole year later! THAT is what I need to own and understand. Why do I keep myself locked into this? I think Ocarina is right and I know it deep down, there is some deep painful hole I'm trying to fill and I need to keep working on uncovering whats underneath. I hope we both continue to grow and heal. I'm here for you as well! |
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