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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 6:30:08 GMT
Infidelity is individual. Whether it is repeated adultery, where one has gone behind the back of one's partner and lied a lot or if it is a one night stand, admitting what you have done right away.
Most couples have a sense of where the boundary of adultery is but if you disagree or are uncertain about what is okay or not okay, it can be helpful to talk about it.
- Everyone is different - some are very outgoing and have many friends of the opposite sex and some are flirtatious by nature. It can present challenges; It doesn't have to be adultery, but it can weaken the security of the relationship. One should be aware of where your partner's boundary is so that it does not become uncomfortable. Where your partner's boundary is can be quite different from what you think.
- What is considered infedelety is entirely up to the partner to judge, so it may be helpful to talk about it. Ex: Someone gets hurt if their partner masturbates to porn while others think it's just fine. The same goes with flirting or touching - we have different perceptions of whether it is considered within the partners boundary or not.
Deception damages the trust of the partner
There are 10 ways you can deceive your partner without being unfaithful. A breach of sexual loyalty is not the only breach of trust that can ruin the relationship.
- Lack of loyalty is as devastating as having an affair. All forms of deception will damage the trust of the partner, but often it is neglected or overlooked - preferably by both parties. I think that what is most devastating about these kinds of deceptions is treating each other with disgust.
Things that kills a relationship
According to Gottman, there are mainly two things that kills a relationship: lying (you avoid telling, what you really want to avoid conflict) and longing for emotional bonds that you can't get with your partner. He also believes that in the future, new ways of being unfaithful will emerge.
- Sharing your partner's secrets can ruin the relationship. And in the time we live in now it's so easy to share information and there are many ways to share unwanted things about the partner that seem innocent.
Many people may recognize the feeling of having told a white lie. But if you lie a lot and do it to avoid getting your partner angry or disappointed, it is usually a sign that the relationship is not very good.
- Lies can be devastating to the relationship. The same goes for flirts - though you might consider it an innocent flirt, it can make your partner feel exposed. If you find that your partner often makes choices that may feel like a deception, stop and ask yourself if this is what you want and how the relationship will develop if it continues.
10 types of deception that can be just as devastating to the couple relationship as infidelity:
Being with the partner until something better shows up
An affair without sex (for example, being very close with someone at your job and sharing private information with him or her)
Lies
To ally with another and go against your partner
Being mentally absent and cold
Lack of respect
If the sexual interest disappears
Injustice
Selfishness
Breach of contract
Research shows that these various forms of deception will make the relationship more unstable and unsafe.
- In order for your relationship to be safe and stable, it is important to trust your partner and not feel that he or she has a hidden agenda. If you are in a relationship where one or both parties have more of the 10
characteristics, the relationship is probably not particularly solid.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 6:34:48 GMT
Are you a monogamist by nature or ?
Or do you believe that you can prevent infidelity/that you Fall in love with another person if you let eachother flirt with other people ect ?
Of course we will meet other attractive people than our partner (if not you are probably shut down)
As a couples attatchment therapist I have seen, that if a person in a couples relationship keeps on flirting with a stranger for a longer time, then there is a risk that the person will fall in love/get a crush on the other person which can damage the couples relationship.
Recommandation:
Enjoy the energy boost (dopamine kick) that the other person gives you for around 30 seconds - and then recognize that it is brain chemistry inside YOUR brain, so you do not need the attractive object (person), to be able to enjoy the erotic energy. You Can build up the erotic energy in different ways in your life other than flirting with strangers.
There are other ways than monogamy to be in relationships - as long as you are open, honest and have consensus with your partner.
What are your attitude towards monogamy vs being in open relationships, or just monogamous relationships, where both flirt / exchange erotic energy with others?
A couples attatchment therapist
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 6:38:19 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 6:46:02 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 7:25:32 GMT
Introverts - extroverts
Introvert versus extrovert
First of all, it is a reality that extroverts generally are better at flirting. This is because this type of person enjoys meeting new people and even gets more energy from being in touch with others.
As an introvert, you can have a hard time meeting new people, and therefore it is not so strange that it is also difficult for this type of person to flirt. That is not to say that no introverts flirts.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 9:10:06 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Aug 30, 2021 6:37:00 GMT
My boyfriend is looking at other women when we go grocerie shopping. When I confronted him he denied it.
I get pissed and sad.
Is it truth, that men are just hunters and cavemen and therefore they cant control themselves ?
Answer:
Its actually not just men who looks at other women, it's also the other way around too.
Now, of course, there is both a difference in the degree of looking when you look and in how often you do it. Or if it's something that goes on constantly, evertime he walks out the door, and whether he is constantly aware of all of the females that are outside the house.
Or if it's something that happens at an extremely rare occasion, because a top model walks across the street, as even a blind man would notice.
Why do men look at other women?
I think it's hard to find a man or woman who has absolutely NEVER looked at another and thought: "Wauw is he / she just nice / beautiful / hot”.
When that is said... Then "looking at other people" is certainly not the same as wanting another partner, not being happy with the partner you have, or thinking that your partner "should" look different ... It's really worth keeping in mind when one becomes insecure speaking of your question to me about whether looking at others matters.
Sometimes it does, and other times it does not. My experience is that in the vast majority of cases, it means nothing more than that his eye has spotted a (in his eyes) beautiful and attractive woman, and that he looks at her, and afterwards he moves on in his life without thinking more about it.
Some male couples therapists say it's about instincts and that men can not control it, but excuse me, it's in my world simply far too easy to say. "It's an instinct, I can not control it, and I can not help it!"
Stop it! It is kind of like saying that we as humans are created to eat everything we find in nature, and therefore we just have to eat everything, well, we can not stop eating everything we can get close to. A bit of moderation might be in order ...
Man and the human brain have actually evolved since the Stone Age, and if we constantly allow ourselves to be controlled by urges, immediate desires and sensations and thereby not take responsibility for what we go and do and how our behavior affects others, then I think that we end up being very lonely in our lives ...
I have to be able to do what I want when I want it - well, fine, it's ok too, but ... Then it just does not happen with me. It's perfectly okay to have it that way - but then that's what the premise of the relationship is - and then you have to talk about it openly and honestly, so that everyone knows what it's about and agrees with it.
But...Just because you feel like looking, you actually do not have to. Because you feel like eating a cake, you actually do not have to. Because you do not want to go and do workout, you can actually do it anyway. As adults, mature and responsible people, we CAN actually control our behavior and actions well.
If we want to.
So what is it, with this "looking"?
Like I said, it's on a spectrum, and in my world it's also about respect.
Respect for you when he is out shopping with you, but also respect for the women he looks at. I personally do not like to be stared at
One of my model like girlfriends has told me that she finds it very uncomfortable when men stare at her for a long time and can't get their eyes off her at all. And especially when they are holding their wife or girlfriend by the hand and she is obviously uncomfortable with the situation. She tells that she feels like a piece of meat, and not a human being with body, soul, heart and emotions. She has also been told of by a woman who once came over to her and swore at her at a disco because her husband kept standing and stared at her. My friend was CRUSHED 🙁
Having good manners is also important. Staring and staring at others is actually really rude no matter what people look like!
You write to me that your husband discreetly looked at someone else, and that actually tells me a lot about your husband. He knows very well that you do not like it, and here he tries to respect you by looking discreetly and not just staring until his eyes roll out of his head.
Even though he tried to hide it, you discovered it anyway, and when you confronted him with it, he lied to you - and that's actually almost the worst thing in your situation. One thing is to look - there can be many reasons for that. It does not always have to be, because the other woman is top delicious, sometimes the opposite can also be the case.
But it is guaranteed not in those situations that you will get upset ... Something else is to be dishonest about it when it is discovered ... You get upset when he looks at other women, because it makes you unsure of where his at, and when he subsequently chooses to be dishonest about it, you become even more insecure.
I can really understand that!
Insecurity in relationships is definitely one of the worst things we humans can experience ...
In that situation he could have said: "Do you know what honey, Im so sorry, it was really not very thoughtful of me. I think she was beautiful, and I came to look at her just for a bit too long - it's not okay and both dis respectful towards you and her. Sorry! I love you and that was not right. I know it makes you uneasy. I'm sorry. But I'm right here. With you. Come here and you will get a hug, and then I promise you that I will of course be even more aware of that in the future when we go out together in the city. "
This response, or something like that, had been better than just denying that he was looking at other women.
- I can easily understand that you get upset and insecure, I did so too when I experienced it. I have also had a boyfriend who looked after other women. And he dident hide it.
I think you should have a talk with your husband, and tell him that first of all, it makes you really sad when he looks after and has his attention on other women when you go out with him, but also tell him that it makes you absolutely enormously upset when he then subsequently is dishonest about it. All that dishonesty creates an insecurity that is completely unnecessary.
I am sure that if you have a man who respects you and loves you, then he will be sorry that he has made you sad, and subsequently of course do what he can so that it does not happen again .
If your husband is completely indifferent to what you tell him, then it is a different matter and more serious, and I would recommend that you really check if he is the right man for you, and possibly. seek professional help. Either you alone or you together.
But from what you tell me in your mail, I actually think he will do everything he can to not hurt you again. That's proberly why he initially denied, even though it's a really bad strategy to be dishonest, so he probably did, to avoid hurting you any further and avoiding a violent confrontation. Out with that strategy and in with honesty, because it is clearly the one that makes both the relationship and the love grow in the long run.
About your jealousy
- then I would recommend that you start working with a competent psychologist.
Jealousy is, in many cases, the fear of losing, and it is unbearable once it takes hold. It is with jealousy as if the more one tries to avoid it, the more it grows. And it can drive one completely insane ...
One thing is that your husband is looking at others - it's not nice to you, I have no doubt about that.
Something else is that it gets even worse when you on top of that is suffering from jealousy. You could say that your experience with your husband is negatively enhanced when the jealousy takes over.
Some would say that you just have to get along and that the fact that you do not like your husband looking after others is just something that you have to work on your self-esteem and your self-confidence, and then you will be just fine with him looking at other woman.
But you will not hear that from me. Clearly, when your jealousy runs around corners with you, it exacerbates the situation. But having said that, I know many, both men and women, where neither self-esteem nor self-confidence is damaged, also do not like that their partner openly looks at others when they are present.
So no, this is not about you having to work towards being "indifferent" to what your husband does. This is about him not having to look at others when you're with him - AND that you have to get that jealousy out of your body, because then I'm sure you both will feel much better.
A sexologist, female couples therapist, PhD in sexologi
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Post by anne12 on Sept 15, 2021 10:44:09 GMT
Lies, honesty and concealment - Get the definitions here
A wise American male psychologist at one point stated: "He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.”
" In fact, I think that in the case of infidelity and relationships in general, it is a pretty good rule.
All, all too often, one can slip into definitions and discussions about honesty and lies, instead of spending energy on getting the relationship back on track after a breach of trust. Because what do the definitions really cover? What does it mean?
Being honest:
To tell the reality as one experiences it or rather to tell one's own truth.
That is, what I think, what I feel, and what I experience.
Honest people are easier to get along with because you "know where you have them".
Honesty is definitely one of the most important factors, to rebuild trust and in general create secure relationships.
Lie:
- a lie is an utterance that is not in accordance with the truth. Ie. that you are telling something that is not correct, something that has not happened, something you are inventing.
If they are small lies, they are sometimes called white lies. A deliberately untrue piece of information. - That is, an untruth, a deliberate behavior that has the sole purpose of deceiving or cheating on the other party.
Concealment vs. lie:
That one deliberately fails to mention something, keeps something hidden or something secret.
This is not a lie, because nothing has been told.
But... This is exactly where the problem arises, as concealments are often used in the relationship:
"Well, I have not lied to you, I have been honest" - Yes, because you were not asked directly if you have been unfaithful.
But concealment is at least as harmful to the relationship as lying. It creates insecurity and mistrust, which is like poisen to a couple.
Back in 2010, researchers examined Brunell, Kernis, Goldman and others. from the United States Denver University the importance of honesty in the relationship in connection with their research into love relationships in general. And their results around lies and honesty.
In conclusion, it can be stated that, firstly, there was a very strong correlation between the degree of honesty and both one's own, but also the partner's ability to function well in the relationship.
In addition, it turned out, that a high degree of honesty among the men meant that their wives felt to a much greater degree that they were functioning well in the relationship. The more honest the man was, the better the women rated the relationship.
The same did not count the other way around, so here there was a clear gender difference.
But the trend was clear!
The higher the degree of honesty in the relationship, the more satisfied the partners in general were with life, themselves and life in general.
If you have experienced infidelity and you subsequently experience that your partner has problems with honesty, then I would recommend that you decide how long you want to give the relationship.
Do not get me wrong. But you neither can nor should base a relationship on dishonesty. And if your partner does not opens up to the hen your chances will be extremely small, not to mention non-existent, to have a well-functioning relationship in the long run.
Yes, yes, yes ...... You can easily have a relationship. Everyone can do that!
But a well-functioning relationship, requires honesty, and especially after there has been infidelity. - And
regardless of the degree to which infidelity has been experienced and regardless of whether there has been physical or mental infidelity.
So give it a few weeks from now if you continue to experience dishonesty.
If it continues, then I would recommend that you strongly include it in your considerations about your relationship. Sometimes you have to approach honesty if you have lied for a long time, and thus open up more and more. You can in principle not use it as 100% honesty IS the way forward, and you can not "just" be 50% honest. But if you can see that it is moving forward and you can see that your partner WANTS to be more honest, then of course it should be included in your considerations.
Either you are honest or you are not .. And you need to get that communicated to your partner.
Say for example: "I actually prefer that you are 100% honest. No matter how hard it is for you. You can forget all about a half honesty approach. It just pulls the pain out of both of us, and destroys the small chances that are left that I feel like going into a forgiveness process. ”
And in the vast majority of cases, it will actually be a relief for the unfaithful party when honesty finally comes to the table.
Most people, in fact, do not like to lie to their partner. Believe it or not 🙂
A clinical sexologist, couples therapist
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Post by anne12 on Sept 15, 2021 11:53:41 GMT
Little white lies: Are little white lies and secrets okay in couple relationships? Little white lies are bad in relationships. If you have to tell little white lies, then you do not respect your partner. On the other hand a relationship requires security for both parties. Not being made wronged or being mistaken, if you tell your partner something, that the other can have a hard time hearing. (Telling your partner - when asked - that she does not look fat in her new pants can be loving though) "My boyfriend suddenly stops in the middle of a sentence. He was about to tell where he has been with his friends. I think that's weird. And now I can't stop think ing about what he is holding back. I'm afraid he's done something that I do not like to hear. I try to say to myself that what you do not know about is non of your business. Should I ask? I have a trigger with my dad who sometimes didn't come home on time when we were about to have dinner together. Answer: It doesn't help you that you try to tell yourself that it doesn't matter. Everything that is not being said in the relationship takes up space in the relationship. You know there's something wrong. It is better to clarify what it is that the other is holding back. Maybe IT is nothing special. All things that is unsaid in the relationship, is like poison to the relationship. www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-tell-partner-you-lied_l_5e0f76d6e4b0b2520d20d9bd |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 28, 2021 12:01:20 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Sept 30, 2021 7:57:11 GMT
In a large survey called SEXUS (the worlds largest), 23% of Danish men answered that they have been unfaithful TO THEIR CURRENT PARTNER at least once, while the number for women is 14%.
Infidelity is therefore quite commen.
There are different categories of infedelity.
(Remember that no relationships are alike. Do not use the description below as the "truth", it is only inspiration when you want to understand infidelity.)
1)
Cheating by accident
This kind of infidelity typically occurs when you are away from home for example at a conference or at a party. Often alcohol is involved, and often you do not know each other in advance, for example when you meet at a bar in the city or at a conference.
This kind of infidelity is not planned. It happens randomly because you lack self-control, and do not think about it. You follow an impulse you should have let pass.
The forbidden can be exciting just because it is forbidden. What we can not get can be extra exciting. It's not because there's something wrong with your regular relationship, but the new, exciting, forbidden and different can trick the mind. And in a weak moment, you give in.
Typically, you have allowed a sliding movement into a context that you should not have ended up in.
For example, by going out instead of staying at the hotel after a long course day. Or by drinking too much for Christmas lunch. Or by dancing a little too close with the new colleague at the summer party.
For every beer, for every dance, for every hour you stay, the likelihood of infidelity increases.
Afterwards, you regret bitterly and you are confused about how it could have happened at all. You are filled with guilt and shame, and do not understand your actions.
To avoid this kind of infidelity, pay attention to yourself in those situations where an accident can easily happen. In the same way that you do not have to check your phone while driving. Or drive a car after drinking.
2)
Dissatisfaction with the permanent relationship
This kind of infidelity occurs because you are not happy with your relationship. There can be a lot of good in the relationship, but you still miss something. Maybe you miss romance, closeness, excitement, lust, sex or something completely different.
It may also be that it is first and foremost the person you have become who you are dissatisfied with. It is in fact yourself who has become boring, not your partner or the relationship. The one you are unfaithful with is only a tool to feel something in yourself. Or you have withdrawn from your partner and thereby dried up the relationship, and then infidelity can be a way to find old or new sides of yourself. It may be that you are not cheating to have sex, but to feel sexy.
Sometimes your relationship is so bad that infidelity is used to force a breakup, for example by making it easy to spot. Or by building your next relationship before ending the old relationship. If you have been unfaithful, you may already know that the regular relationship should end at some point, but you have had a hard time saying it out loud.
This form of infidelity is often the culmination of a longer period (months or years) in which the relationship has gradually deteriorated. Infidelity becomes a symptom of an underlying problem.
Of course, it is harder to save the relationship after infidelity, which is due to a bad relationship, than after the infidelity that occurs randomly at a party with too much alcohol in the blood. If the relationship is fundamentally bad, it is not certain that the relationship can hold up to a deep crisis.
But if you get through the crisis, you have to work hard to develop the relationship. Maybe the sex life should be brought to life after being non-existent for many years. Or love must be revived after many years with too little tenderness and warmth. It is a big job to rediscover the desire for each other, but if you do not succeed, there is a great chance that infidelity will occur again later.
3)
The Casanova syndrome
The 3rd category of infidelity is related to Casanova syndrome. The Casanova seeks confirmation by being admired, coveted, and by conquering. Both men and women suffer from casanova syndrome.
The Casanova seeks not deep feelings but to be confirmed by laying down its prey. Maybe you have lots of acquaintances of the opposite sex that you flirt with at work, on social media and where you otherwise meet people.
For the Casanova, infidelity can almost become a sport where you practice charming and seducing while taking advantage of others' interest to strengthen your self-esteem.
It can be hard for the casanova to be monogamous because there is so much identity in being sexually attractive and successful. If you suffer from casanova syndrome, it is only when you realize that it is harmful not to be able to indulge in deep love that you can begin to change.
4)
Sex addiction
The sex addict gets a kick of sexual stimulation through porn, masturbation, strip clubs, prostitutes and of course sex, which sometimes leads to infidelity.
The addiction can accelerate, so you spend more and more time masturbating to wilder and wilder porn. Or spend more and more money on prostitutes. Or spend more and more time chatting sex online.
Sex addiction can soak up so much energy that it eventually destroys your life and relationships - in the same way that alcohol and drugs can ruin your life.
It is a shame to be sex addicted, and therefore you probably do not want to tell your partner about is. But if you want to get rid of your addiction, you will have to talk openly about your addiction. And then put everything into changing your habits.
You can certainly succeed in getting rid of sex addiction, in the same way that you can stop smoking, drinking and eating too much chocolate. But it requires willpower, and it requires you to actively seek help.
5)
You want an extra relationship
Some women and men want a lover in addition to the regular relationship. Maybe they are powerful and successful, and feel they are entitled to an extra relationship because they are something special.
Or they have deserved a secret affair because for years they have been a good family man or housewife who has put the needs of others above their own. Or they use the affair to sweeten their lives, which they justify with having been affected by accidents, crisis in the relationship, challenges at work or something else.
They do not want to conquer one after the other like the Casanova. And they are not addicted to sex. Nor are they seriously dissatisfied with their regular relationship. They just want a lover as an extra spice.
Maybe the regular relationship is a bit boring, and instead of changing the relationship or getting divorced, they create balance in their lives by having an extra relationship. The secret affair can sometimes be very lengthy because they basically want two parallel relationships.
It is these protracted affairs where the other woman or man hopes that there will be a divorce soon. But it never happens because the unfaithful party actually wants to preserve both relationships.
A sexologist, couples councelor, mens group facilitator
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2022 17:44:23 GMT
What do you think about jealousy in relationships? Is there "healthy" jealousy and "unhealthy" jealousy? Have you ever felt jealous? Have your partner felt jealous? Why? How did you handle the jealousy? How did your partner handle the jealousy? Context of Jealousy If your partner is engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable or is out of bounds for the relationship, jealousy may not be entirely unfounded. Have you and your partner had a conversation regarding the boundaries of your relationship? What seems perfectly innocent to one partner may cause anxiety in the other. It’s a good idea to have a discussion about what feels right for you both and then to stick with it. Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” ― Maya Angelou Chances are if you have committed to a long-term partnership at some point, you have experienced jealousy when it comes to your relationship. In the context of Attachment, jealousy can be a sign of insecure Attachment. Is it like salt on food or is jealousy the downfall of good relationships? According to Stan Tatkin, PhD in his book titled, Wired for Love, he explains the couple bubble and how to maintain safety and security both privately and publicly for each other. One aspect of the couple bubble is sharing relevant information with your partner first, though it may mean keeping a secret to yourself until the opportunity arises. Jealousy comes in many forms and from many places – sharing a promotion with a coworker before your partner can breach the couple bubble. Communicate Your Feelings of Jealousy If you see your partner chatting on social media or other communication with someone else and it sends off warning signals, let your partner know in a non-accusatory way. “I am jealous of how much you communicate with others. I would love that much attention from you.” Having friends outside of your partnership is healthy. So is maintaining the safety and security of the couple bubble. Your jealousy may be unfounded, but your emotions are real. Keep your partner in the loop when it comes to how you feel. The Science of Jealousy Many researchers believe that jealousy exists because of a biological need for partner retention. In this sense, Maya Angelou might be onto something. Jealousy might let your partner know that they are valued and desired. On the other hand, extreme or irrational jealousy that turns into possessive behavior can undermine the trust in a relationship. Many couples try to make their partners jealous. Rather than playing this game, try open communication to express your needs constructively. I desire more of your attention Can we spend more time together? I want more of you (emotionally, sexually, intellectually) Can we have a date night? here is the bit I mentioned about the evolutionary purpose (theoretically) of jealousy. If you search jealousy posts by anne12 she has a lot of info and links, including jealousy by attachment style by Thais Gibson. I like what alexandra said too. It's all about finding out what's healthy for you and your relationship and where you might need some healing and support with your guilt, shame, abandonment... BTW your writing makes me think you are cool as hell and I'd love to go to a game with you, and I wouldn't make it all about me and jabber on with your boyfriend, I swear! A lot of people might feel uncomfortable in the situation, alcohol can exacerbate things as well... and your trauma reaction to it means something hurts real bad and you need to support yourself, and be gentle. Hope you feel better soon! |
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Post by anne12 on May 24, 2024 4:20:44 GMT
Jealousy What is jealousy? Jealousy is a fairly common but often taboo mixed emotion in love life. It is painful, shameful and easily drains love. It can be like poison, destroying both relationships and self-esteem. Jealousy consists of negative thoughts, reactions in the body and feelings of discomfort, uncertainty and fear of losing the other, but also anger, powerlessness and a lot of feeling wrong. It can become violent and overwhelming, and you may therefore react-out and violently. Causes of jealousy The first step to dealing with and letting go of jealousy is for you to discover what triggers the jealousy! Because when you know what feeds the jealousy, it's much easier for you to do what it takes to stop it. Here are the 5 deeper reasons that are typically at play: 1) Is it a real threat? If your inner voice tells you that your partner is interested in someone else, there may be something to it. It can sometimes be difficult to distinguish whether it is your intuition or an insecure attachment pattern that is speaking . 2) Lack of assurance of love e.g. if you feel that your partner is not prioritizing you and showing enough love and excitement for you, it can create insecurity in you and trigger jealousy . 3) With low self-esteem, it can be difficult to believe that you are attractive and worthy of love. You therefore easily come to believe - consciously or unconsciously - that your boyfriend thinks that others are more attractive than you . 4) Past trauma can be replayed through jealousy. Freud called it the "repetition compulsion", we trauma therapists call it the "Repetition Path". That one's unconscious makes sure to create situations that recreate the experience of intensity and ,... They therefore do not have to be the same incidents . 5) The difficult shadow: Sometimes jealousy can arise because you yourself have repressed desires to be unfaithful. By projecting these feelings onto your partner, you avoid confronting them. Impractical? Yes - but it ensures that you can maintain your self-image of being "nice", "proper", ect.. It's part of being human . You should also know that it can be detective work to clarify which of these are behind the jealousy. Often, especially no. 1 and 5 will be difficult to get answers to... The Effects of jealousy: Jealousy can develop into an avalanche of worries and destructive actions and have serious consequences for both your mental and physical well-being - in addition to the relationship. Jealousy can cause heart palpitations, restlessness, stomach ache, nausea, tension, difficulty breathing and poor sleep. These symptoms are the same as those experienced with stress. Thoughts and feelings related to jealousy seem to have a life of their own. They start as a small snowball, but quickly roll like a giant avalanche. When the negative thoughts and feelings run, inappropriate actions quickly follow. Eg. is it normal to try to control the partner's behavior by inquiring much more into the other's thoughts and feelings in an attempt to get the "truth" revealed or reassurance that the partner's love is there . it is also common to check the partner's phone and email - although this can be illegal . there can also be many confrontations, arguments and other conflicts . the jealous person may react by withdrawing as a defense against the negative feelings and thoughts For the patner, it can also be exhausting. The partner who is being restricted is easily frustrated by not having the freedom to live a normal life. The most devastating thing is usually that the jealous person does not trust! This can destroy so much in the relationship that the jealousy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy... That it makes the partner fall for someone else who, instead of anger, control and mistrust, shows openness, understanding, tolerance and respect for boundaries. 7 steps to deal with jealousy: 1. Recognize that you are jealous The first step is to recognize that you feel jealous! Acknowledging the feeling without judging yourself is important and to be able to deal with it. 2. Paradoxical change method When we experience unpleasant feelings, it can be really hard to allow these overwhelming feelings to be there. We will automatically increase pushing them away. But it does not work. We can't push jealousy very far either. Therefore, I want to invite you to say to the jealousy inside you when it rages: "It's okay, right now you are allowed to be here". Then tell the resistance to the jealousy being there, "It's okay, you can be here right now too!" 3. Emergency aid: Emergency handling . When the jealousy hits, you need to have some acute strategies in place to handle the reactions that come from the tension in the nervous system. Here are some exercises you can use: A) The water tank exercise: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31863/B) Getting into the now exercises: Objectively describe with your inner voice what you are registering with your senses right now. 4. Acceptance of the situation Accept reality - even though you may not know the truth. If your partner's choice is to focus on someone other than you, you have to deal with that. You cannot force him/her to choose and prioritize you. 5. Have a crisis list Make a list of things that usually ground you and give you peace. It could be talking to a friend, going for a run or doing some gardening. Use this list when jealousy becomes overwhelming. Since jealousy often appears late in the evening or at night, your list should include what can help you. 6. Stop destructive reactions It is important to control your reactions. That includes stopping destructive actions like checking your partner's phone or emails. 7. Work with the causes To deal with jealousy in the long term, it is necessary to work with the underlying causes. This can be: Low Self-esteem: Work on strengthening your self-esteem. This involves setting boundaries and rebuilding trust with your partner. Talk to your partner about what you need in the relationship . Trauma: If the jealousy stems from past traumas, it may be necessary to work on healing these General tips for dealing with jealousy: 1)Communicate openly: Talk about the difficult things with your partner. If it is too difficult, seek help from a couples therapist . 2) Be true to yourself: Make sure you take care of yourself and your needs. If you lose yourself in trying to please your partner, it will hurt you - and the relationship - in the long run . Be willing to risk the relationship: If there is something really wrong, it is better to get it out in the open, even if you may risk the relationship. Living in constant uncertainty is more harmful to both you and the relationship. 3) Jealousy - an emergency tool: A) Pull back/withdraw so you can avoid reacting violently - use your crisis list! B) Help your activated nervous system by placing the danger: What specifically is it that threatens you? Consider the evidence: Is it really as bad as your jealousy says? If it is, go somewhere where you can reflect on your choice: What consequences will you trigger? Wait with serious consequences until you're fairly settled and willing to turn them around with someone qualified to ask you good questions and provide helpful feedback C) Communicate your feelings and needs to your partner Couples therapy : Working with jealousy in a relationship often requires both parties to be willing to accommodate each other's feeling and work together to build trust. Couples therapy can be an effective way to achieve this. Conclusion: By recognizing the jealousy, working with the underlying causes, and implementing strategies to deal with it, you can better navigate these challenges and create a healthier, more loving relationship. A university study many years ago showed that a small amount of jealousy in the relationship could be beneficial, because it made the jealous person "pick himself up" and not take his partner for granted. Don't let that be an excuse for bad behavior! Know that you are not alone if you experience jealousy. |
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