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Post by anne12 on Aug 16, 2018 17:53:38 GMT
What do you think about jealousy in relationships?
Is there "healthy" jealousy and "unhealthy" jealousy?
Have you ever felt jealous?
Have your partner felt jealous?
Why?
How did you handle the jealousy?
How did your partner handle the jealousy?
Context of Jealousy
If your partner is engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable or is out of bounds for the relationship, jealousy may not be entirely unfounded. Have you and your partner had a conversation regarding the boundaries of your relationship? What seems perfectly innocent to one partner may cause anxiety in the other. It’s a good idea to have a discussion about what feels right for you both and then to stick with it.
Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”
― Maya Angelou
Chances are if you have committed to a long-term partnership at some point, you have experienced jealousy when it comes to your relationship. In the context of Attachment, jealousy can be a sign of insecure Attachment. Is it like salt on food or is jealousy the downfall of good relationships?
According to Stan Tatkin, PhD in his book titled, Wired for Love, he explains the couple bubble and how to maintain safety and security both privately and publicly for each other.
One aspect of the couple bubble is sharing relevant information with your partner first, though it may mean keeping a secret to yourself until the opportunity arises. Jealousy comes in many forms and from many places – sharing a promotion with a coworker before your partner can breach the couple bubble.
Communicate Your Feelings of Jealousy
If you see your partner chatting on social media or other communication with someone else and it sends off warning signals, let your partner know in a non-accusatory way. “I am jealous of how much you communicate with others. I would love that much attention from you.”
Having friends outside of your partnership is healthy. So is maintaining the safety and security of the couple bubble. Your jealousy may be unfounded, but your emotions are real. Keep your partner in the loop when it comes to how you feel.
The Science of Jealousy
Many researchers believe that jealousy exists because of a biological need for partner retention. In this sense, Maya Angelou might be onto something. Jealousy might let your partner know that they are valued and desired. On the other hand, extreme or irrational jealousy that turns into possessive behavior can undermine the trust in a relationship. Many couples try to make their partners jealous. Rather than playing this game, try open communication to express your needs constructively.
I desire more of your attention
Can we spend more time together?
I want more of you (emotionally, sexually, intellectually)
Can we have a date night?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 18:13:30 GMT
my partner and i seasoned our dish with a little jealousy.
neither of us are very jealous by nature,
but part of becoming vulnerable to him was to say
" i think you are so handsome and attractive to me, i feel jealous at the thought of another woman ever seeing you the way i do- i want you all to myself and it makes me feel something very deeply that's uncomfortable!"
he understood what i meant and returned the sentiment.
so, it wasn't destructive but for us, it was a way of admitting
"you matter a lot to me and i want to keep you!!!"
when i would see him talking to another female i tasted the salt (and he admitted the same vice versa) but i trusted that what we have, he can't find anywhere else- we had already thrown up our hands and admitted that!!!
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 16, 2018 19:13:49 GMT
I was often jealous in my prior relationship...and that is because I always thought of myself as lacking and why would he want to stay...man, that is hard to own...but it is very true. The thing is....I would swirl in feelings of jealousy without there being any substance to it. I think what I was truly feeling washe wasnIt 100% "in"...he would be phsysically there..but mentally, he was checked out...and I sensed that and always assumed it was because of someone else...because that is why other guys checked out..there "was" someone else. 😕
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 19:35:57 GMT
I was often jealous in my prior relationship...and that is because I always thought of myself as lacking and why would he want to stay...man, that is hard to own...but it is very true. The thing is....I would swirl in feelings of jealousy without there being any substance to it. I think what I was truly feeling washe wasnIt 100% "in"...he would be phsysically there..but mentally, he was checked out...and I sensed that and always assumed it was because of someone else...because that is why other guys checked out..there "was" someone else. 😕 and that's not love at all- for the self or the partner. insecurity and low self esteem leading to actual fears of infidelity , make at the very least a secret, dirty accusation against the partner- that they are a liar, a cheater, and cannot be trusted. jealousy in that form is not only painful to you, it's insulting and painful to your partner. let the healing continue! 🌸 . |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 16, 2018 19:51:57 GMT
I was often jealous in my prior relationship...and that is because I always thought of myself as lacking and why would he want to stay...man, that is hard to own...but it is very true. The thing is....I would swirl in feelings of jealousy without there being any substance to it. I think what I was truly feeling washe wasnIt 100% "in"...he would be phsysically there..but mentally, he was checked out...and I sensed that and always assumed it was because of someone else...because that is why other guys checked out..there "was" someone else. 😕 and that's not love at all- for the self or the partner. insecurity and low self esteem leading to actual fears of infidelity , make at the very least a secret, dirty accusation against the partner- that they are a liar, a cheater, and cannot be trusted. jealousy in that form is not only painful to you, it's insulting and painful to your partner. let the healing continue! 🌸 . Yes...the thing is...I knew it was all in my head and thoughts and I never acted upon it...but I for some reason just could not overcome it. It truly was a painful thing to feel this way, know that it wasn't true and be unable to speak to it for fear of exactly what you put above. I was grasping at strws a bit when I spoke of him being physically there and mentally not as the source. And yes..it was a very, very unloving thought process. 😕 I know the above does not show it...but I do love him Juniper..which is in part why I am owning all my TNR crap...because I don't want to compntinue this with him. I want to love him out of a depth of kindness and compassion...I am just struggling a bit with old patterns and a bias that seems a bit hard to shake. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 20:02:15 GMT
i'm sorry tnr9, i wasn't making an accusation about not loving- but that those aren't loving thoughts for you or for him. i hope that you can find that confidence in who you are, that you are lovable and enough, as you are! ❤️ |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 16, 2018 20:21:22 GMT
but part of becoming vulnerable to him was to say " i think you are so handsome and attractive to me, i feel jealous at the thought of another woman ever seeing you the way i do- i want you all to myself and it makes me feel something very deeply that's uncomfortable!" This is indeed very vulnerable and open. Two DA´s showing how it is done! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 22:35:48 GMT
but part of becoming vulnerable to him was to say " i think you are so handsome and attractive to me, i feel jealous at the thought of another woman ever seeing you the way i do- i want you all to myself and it makes me feel something very deeply that's uncomfortable!" This is indeed very vulnerable and open. Two DA´s showing how it is done! i hated the feeling but felt better immediately after i confessed it. and then to hear him say he knew EXACTLY what i was feeling because he felt it too, it turned from something painful into something kind of beautiful. From a feeling of a possible threat to me, to a kind of safety. but vulnerable!! whew that was a turning point for me , leveled up on the vulnerability right there. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 18, 2018 11:37:06 GMT
i'm sorry tnr9 , i wasn't making an accusation about not loving- but that those aren't loving thoughts for you or for him. i hope that you can find that confidence in who you are, that you are lovable and enough, as you are! ❤️ I know you weren't and I so appreciate the honesty. I seem to be in a really bad patch right now...lots of self blame. What gets me is the knowing that my thoughts were leading me down an incorrect rabbit hole, but being unable to stop them. It was very much like being under attack. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 19, 2018 7:25:56 GMT
What do you think about jealousy in relationships? Is there "healthy" jealousy and "unhealthy" jealousy? Have you ever felt jealous? Have your partner felt jealous? Why? How did you handle the jealousy? How did your partner handle the jealousy? The Science of Jealousy Many researchers believe that jealousy exists because of a biological need for partner retention. In this sense, Maya Angelou might be onto something. Jealousy might let your partner know that they are valued and desired. On the other hand, extreme or irrational jealousy that turns into possessive behavior can undermine the trust in a relationship. Many couples try to make their partners jealous. Rather than playing this game, try open communication to express your needs constructively. I desire more of your attention Can we spend more time together? I want more of you (emotionally, sexually, intellectually) Can we have a date night? Personally, I can feel jealous, in that I feel tension when the man I am with is interacting with another woman, but my actual feelings about it are opposite. I then feel fear about being close to him and want to withdraw. I do not feel happy thinking of him in a sexual or romantic way, because I would imagine him smelling like her and being repulsed and hurt. Is this healthy or unhealthy? I don´t know. Healthy because it is in proportion to wjat happens. If I was with a guy and another woman was flirting with him, I´d just tend to be more quiet and cool. But if he was making it clear he was out with me and we would have a nice evening with the two of us, I would warm back up later. If he actually slept with another woman, I don´t think I could be intimate with him anymore, I´d feel strong repulsion and could not stand his presence. I would want him to leave right away so I could grieve and comfort myself. Unhealthy could be depending on your perspective, as I realise my process to be quirky. That said, it is not an impediment. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2018 13:30:54 GMT
What do you think about jealousy in relationships? Is there "healthy" jealousy and "unhealthy" jealousy? Have you ever felt jealous? Have your partner felt jealous? Why? How did you handle the jealousy? How did your partner handle the jealousy? The Science of Jealousy Many researchers believe that jealousy exists because of a biological need for partner retention. In this sense, Maya Angelou might be onto something. Jealousy might let your partner know that they are valued and desired. On the other hand, extreme or irrational jealousy that turns into possessive behavior can undermine the trust in a relationship. Many couples try to make their partners jealous. Rather than playing this game, try open communication to express your needs constructively. I desire more of your attention Can we spend more time together? I want more of you (emotionally, sexually, intellectually) Can we have a date night? Personally, I can feel jealous, in that I feel tension when the man I am with is interacting with another woman, but my actual feelings about it are opposite. I then feel fear about being close to him and want to withdraw. I do not feel happy thinking of him in a sexual or romantic way, because I would imagine him smelling like her and being repulsed and hurt. Is this healthy or unhealthy? I don´t know. Healthy because it is in proportion to wjat happens. If I was with a guy and another woman was flirting with him, I´d just tend to be more quiet and cool. But if he was making it clear he was out with me and we would have a nice evening with the two of us, I would warm back up later. If he actually slept with another woman, I don´t think I could be intimate with him anymore, I´d feel strong repulsion and could not stand his presence. I would want him to leave right away so I could grieve and comfort myself. Unhealthy could be depending on your perspective, as I realise my process to be quirky. That said, it is not an impediment. my process if i were to encounter my parter actually behaving in ways that threaten the relationship would be the very same. i would be repelled and go away. i don't understand moving toward someone who is behaving hurtfully, i don't understand if people do that to try to repair the damage or inflict anger. i would guess it is to inflict anger over the betrayal. i would definitely feel anger. but the most prevalent feeling i have encountered in a situation like this is absolute repulsion. i'm like you- i would want it as far away from me as possible so i could put it behind me and move on. i feel like that's pretty standard, isn't it? |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2018 13:57:53 GMT
I think it depends on the mindset of the other person...I have been with men who blatantly saw other women along with me...I justified it as being due to me not being worthy or sufficient. I think when low self esteem and high regard for others is at play...then there is a willingness to overlook things or justify things that should not be. There is an unfortunate downside which is that I have become ever so much more paranoid, suspicious and jealous...and without there being any merit behind it.
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 19, 2018 14:54:06 GMT
I think DA attribute the pain to the unloyal partner and get rid of him. AP would attribute the pain to losing the battle over the fickle partner and want to win the next battle. juniper tnr9Is that how you see it too? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2018 15:08:06 GMT
I think DA attribute the pain to the unloyal partner and get rid of him. AP would attribute the pain to losing the battle over the fickle partner and want to win the next battle. juniper tnr9Is that how you see it too? yes that's how i see it- my thought is- no way no how i'll be disrespected by a cheat. he becomes unworthy at that point |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2018 15:14:31 GMT
don't get me wrong- it would hurt me deeply but my dignity would prevail and i would exit post haste.
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