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Post by kristyrose on Aug 17, 2018 5:44:34 GMT
Hey everyone,
So, I just sent my ex FA type a text after not hearing from him for 3 days.
For reference: I had apologized for demonstrating some activating strategies last Sunday and took full responsibility for my actions- I did this in a text on Monday of this week after he explained how I caused undue drama etc. I haven't heard a word since and for context we talk daily via text and spend just about every weekend together some weekdays and this has been going on for a year (we were together for 2 yrs as a couple before that then he broke up with me last april).
I have recently tested Secure from AP but my occasional AP tendencies rear their ugly head. I can spot them usually beforehand and regulate myself, but this time I didn't. My text i just sent was telling him that while I completely understand and honor the need for space, ignoring my apology text without telling me that he needs space is pushing the limit of my boundary of "no stonewalling"- when I did this to him after he dumped me, he relentlessly texted and begged for a response. I do not typically ever do this with him- actually I never do this with him, I always wait for days sometimes weeks, but we agreed that stonewalling hurts us both and that if either needs space, we will let each other know and respect each others time.
Now my anxiety is kicking in that I sent this text basically saying that i am hitting a limit and if there is something else going on,I'm here for him, but he knows how hurtful it is to be ignored.
I again, would normally just wait for days/weeks to hear from him, but as his friend who is intimate with him, we have made some strides in agreeing to communicate better.
I guess my question is, as an FA will my text only serve to push him further away, or did I act secure in not chastising him, not assuming he is done with me, but setting my boundary?
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Post by lilyg on Aug 17, 2018 7:01:20 GMT
Hey everyone, So, I just sent my ex FA type a text after not hearing from him for 3 days. For reference: I had apologized for demonstrating some activating strategies last Sunday and took full responsibility for my actions- I did this in a text on Monday of this week after he explained how I caused undue drama etc. I haven't heard a word since and for context we talk daily via text and spend just about every weekend together some weekdays and this has been going on for a year (we were together for 2 yrs as a couple before that then he broke up with me last april). I have recently tested Secure from AP but my occasional AP tendencies rear their ugly head. I can spot them usually beforehand and regulate myself, but this time I didn't. My text i just sent was telling him that while I completely understand and honor the need for space, ignoring my apology text without telling me that he needs space is pushing the limit of my boundary of "no stonewalling"- when I did this to him after he dumped me, he relentlessly texted and begged for a response. I do not typically ever do this with him- actually I never do this with him, I always wait for days sometimes weeks, but we agreed that stonewalling hurts us both and that if either needs space, we will let each other know and respect each others time. Now my anxiety is kicking in that I sent this text basically saying that i am hitting a limit and if there is something else going on,I'm here for him, but he knows how hurtful it is to be ignored. I again, would normally just wait for days/weeks to hear from him, but as his friend who is intimate with him, we have made some strides in agreeing to communicate better. I guess my question is, as an FA will my text only serve to push him further away, or did I act secure in not chastising him, not assuming he is done with me, but setting my boundary? Hey, I'd have done exactly the same as you. I don't know how you worded it, but yeah, I wouldn't be alright at all with stone-walling (actually, my BF did that once to me and I was very upset... we talked about it next day and he understood that he needed to tell me he needed space... if not, it is very anxiety-inducing, even for a secure). I don't know the input of FAs. Now, set your phone aside and please forget about this for now. Be patient and try to enjoy your friday. I'm sure he'll respond eventually. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 17, 2018 7:09:38 GMT
One thing: I'll try to keep everything as brief as possible through text. Now, if I have a problem, I'd say: 'Hey, I need to talk to you about something that's bothering me a bit. Could you meet me at 8 pm for a pint?' And then talk in person. I hate discussing important things through phone, I've never come across as I want. I don't know if that's doable for you, or of you live far away.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 17, 2018 16:35:29 GMT
Thank you lilyg
I was gentle in the text and asked first if everything is alright? Then I explained how we both are aware of what it feels like to be ignored and that all he had to do was tell me he needs space and I'm happy to give it to him.
I also said I'm still here if he wants to reconnect, but that I'm at my limit. I will just let it go and focus on work and other things today. I'm very sure I will hear from him again, but just anxious about what he will say. He has a tendency to write long winded texts about us spending less time together, about dating others, but then none of that happens.
I tried to talk over the phone on Monday but he said he didnt want to- we actually live quite close, but he dictates when we can hang out most of the time.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2018 17:31:19 GMT
I think you activated him and just need to wait for him to calm down and come back to you. Then, eventually you can discuss it when you're both not triggered.
It's not great, though, and be mindful that this is a demonstration of a time you aren't able to meet each other's needs.
I've been through the same with my ex FA (the last time it happened, I sent just the same kind of message you did and it stayed unanswered), and the only thing consistent about it is how the silent treatment gets triggered, and that I feel disrespected every time that it lasts for weeks. He's given me completely opposing feedback after the fact on the best way to respond to try to meet his needs when it happens, which I can now see depends on where he is in the bigger push/pull cycle with me.
I've walked away from the cycle. I can't take the implication that my modest needs (for him to tell me if he wants space) are too much to ask for. Even as just friends. It's very wearing to feel that way.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2018 18:03:42 GMT
Since I saw you started a new post to FA, I want to clarify that while he never answered my similar message, he did eventually start talking to me again. We did end up discussing it in detail after everyone's triggers eased, and I realized that my stated needs stay consistent yet ignored, and his aren't consistent. It's not enough for me right now, so when it turned into him pulling again for a newly downgraded friendship, I had to walk away.
If your guy is not doing work on himself, he'll definitely come back but sometimes hot, sometimes cold, per the usual that you already know. If you're okay with that and he's cold, prioritize yourself and wait it out.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 17, 2018 18:05:38 GMT
Hi alexandra, thank you for the feedback. Yes, I definitely activated him last weekend and I can feel that he's just flooded and doesn't want to deal with me. I usually do absolutely nothing when he goes silent but this time I felt like stating my needs and not caring as much if the silence continues. I guess because when he wants me to respond, he has no problem texting over and over or even calling to get my attention. If he senses I'm angry or need my own space he will not leave me alone. He also cannot tolerate being ignored, but really no one likes to be ignored. He told me we both could do better in our communication and I agreed. Of course I know all of this goes out the window when triggered- for both of us. |
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 17, 2018 18:10:22 GMT
Since I saw you started a new post to FA, I want to clarify that while he never answered my similar message, he did eventually start talking to me again. We did end up discussing it in detail after everyone's triggers eased, and I realized that my stated needs stay consistent yet ignored, and his aren't consistent. It's not enough for me right now, so when it turned into him pulling again for a newly downgraded friendship, I had to walk away. If your guy is not doing work on himself, he'll definitely come back but sometimes hot, sometimes cold, per the usual that you already know. If you're okay with that and he's cold, prioritize yourself and wait it out. Well I think I'm weighing if I am able to keep dealing with this. We actually came to an agreement about NOT doing this sort of thing and it lasted for months, so it was much easier to manage and since I'm doing my own work it was tolerable. However, it doesn't feel as tolerable so that is why I wanted to state my feelings and needs for once! I'm pretty sure he will ignore it for a time and either send a long text about us moving on but also still hanging out, or pretend nothing happened. He definitely will not want to talk about it. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2018 18:30:02 GMT
Okay, just wanted to make sure I didn't come across as too harsh. I understand... the one time I asked for space, he bulldozed all my boundaries for a couple months. It felt awful. I've never done something like that to someone who asked for space and would think he would understand what it's like to be on both sides.
I think if you're really questioning and not just getting AP defensive, then it's a good thing. It shows that your secure side is coming out, and that you can respect your needs as well as his.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 17, 2018 18:36:27 GMT
Okay, just wanted to make sure I didn't come across as too harsh. I understand... the one time I asked for space, he bulldozed all my boundaries for a couple months. It felt awful. I've never done something like that to someone who asked for space and would think he would understand what it's like to be on both sides. I think if you're really questioning and not just getting AP defensive, then it's a good thing. It shows that your secure side is coming out, and that you can respect your needs as well as his. Oh no I didn't think you were coming across as harsh at all! I appreciate your feedback and it sounds like your situation and mine are quite similar. I only posted in the FA board because I realized I was curious about FA perspective on boundaries with partners and I posted in AP. Yes, I definitely wanted to make sure he was OK given his family life and own stressors and definitely didn't accuse him of anything, just stuck with the facts - what we agreed on, how I felt and that if he wants to reconnect at some point, I'm still here just hitting a wall on the silence. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2018 20:01:25 GMT
It's difficult, no matter what you choose. I'm feeling a heavy weight of missing mine today, but continuing to engage at this point for me would just be staying stuck.
I read through some of the old AP/FA posts here that go from beginning to end of those relationships to remind myself how long this dynamic can play out without either being truly satisfied. Helps remind me of what I'm realistically walking away from if the partner stays ambivalent.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 17, 2018 21:21:09 GMT
Well done Kristyrose and yes - it will feel uncomfortable - you know what - that's normal and fine! It's really really important to be honest and have self respect here - your own self respect is far more precious than any relationship.
So - setting a boundary is great - but a boundary is not real unless there is a consequence associated with breaking it. Is this something you have considered?
The boundary is your standards - it's yours to own - what he decides to do with it is his issue and you're not responsible for or able to control his side of the fence but it is important that you are clear on your own. Are you willing to be intimate and give your precious time to someone who ignores you? I can't answer this for you - but it's worth being really honest with yourself and him.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 17, 2018 22:52:29 GMT
Well done Kristyrose and yes - it will feel uncomfortable - you know what - that's normal and fine! It's really really important to be honest and have self respect here - your own self respect is far more precious than any relationship. So - setting a boundary is great - but a boundary is not real unless there is a consequence associated with breaking it. Is this something you have considered? The boundary is your standards - it's yours to own - what he decides to do with it is his issue and you're not responsible for or able to control his side of the fence but it is important that you are clear on your own. Are you willing to be intimate and give your precious time to someone who ignores you? I can't answer this for you - but it's worth being really honest with yourself and him. you are right about the boundary not being real without consequence. I guess for me, it would be to stop engaging all together- its so painful to be ignored. At this point I've no choice but to get on with my day which i'm doing, but im also sitting with the pain as well. I am contemplating just telling him I'm done because its truly painful and he knows how much this hurts- he has told me how much he understands that its painful. I really appreciate the food for thought though because its a much needed reminder... its just that he hasn't done this is so long so I must've really pissed him off. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 18, 2018 7:10:40 GMT
Well done Kristyrose and yes - it will feel uncomfortable - you know what - that's normal and fine! It's really really important to be honest and have self respect here - your own self respect is far more precious than any relationship. So - setting a boundary is great - but a boundary is not real unless there is a consequence associated with breaking it. Is this something you have considered? The boundary is your standards - it's yours to own - what he decides to do with it is his issue and you're not responsible for or able to control his side of the fence but it is important that you are clear on your own. Are you willing to be intimate and give your precious time to someone who ignores you? I can't answer this for you - but it's worth being really honest with yourself and him. you are right about the boundary not being real without consequence. I guess for me, it would be to stop engaging all together- its so painful to be ignored. At this point I've no choice but to get on with my day which i'm doing, but im also sitting with the pain as well. I am contemplating just telling him I'm done because its truly painful and he knows how much this hurts- he has told me how much he understands that its painful. I really appreciate the food for thought though because its a much needed reminder... its just that he hasn't done this is so long so I must've really pissed him off. I would get back on your side of the court here - in relationships everyone sometimes pisses people off - but it is their responsibility to handle this appropriately and it seems that he isn't, you're also repeatedly hurting yourself which is painful again and again. It really doesn't matter about him in all this - you've apologised and yes, it was less than ideal but you're in a situation where you are understandably emotionally vulnerable. How would you act if you were truly being kind to yourself? Making that decision to take care of you time and time again? |
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 21, 2018 21:35:18 GMT
you are right about the boundary not being real without consequence. I guess for me, it would be to stop engaging all together- its so painful to be ignored. At this point I've no choice but to get on with my day which i'm doing, but im also sitting with the pain as well. I am contemplating just telling him I'm done because its truly painful and he knows how much this hurts- he has told me how much he understands that its painful. I really appreciate the food for thought though because its a much needed reminder... its just that he hasn't done this is so long so I must've really pissed him off. I would get back on your side of the court here - in relationships everyone sometimes pisses people off - but it is their responsibility to handle this appropriately and it seems that he isn't, you're also repeatedly hurting yourself which is painful again and again. It really doesn't matter about him in all this - you've apologised and yes, it was less than ideal but you're in a situation where you are understandably emotionally vulnerable. How would you act if you were truly being kind to yourself? Making that decision to take care of you time and time again? Hi Ocarina, He did eventually respond last Friday evening and basically said he did not know I was waiting for a response and that space could be good for him. I explained back that I appreciated the response and that while he stated he didn't want to reach out to avoid further conversation about the argument as it causes him undue stress, I explained that I suffered stress because of the no response. He did say he should have reached out, but did so to avoid dealing with it. I figured there would be more silence for a while so I got on with my weekend and was having a good relaxing one when he reached out on Sunday to go see a movie. We ultimately didn't go because it sold out- since then, some texting, still distant. Just giving you an update on that... as for me, inside I don't feel very good. Feel butterflies of nervousness and feel like I need to strongly evaluate where I am at. To answer your question, to be truly kind to myself, I would just walk away. I could wait this out, be back in his good graces in a week or so, or I can get out now while I'm hurting and he is distant anyway. You are right, it doesn't matter where he is at, this will never end and each time it only gets harder. When I focus on my own mental health and helping others in my life, being with friends, feeling gratitude I always feel more whole. |
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