Post by thatrunnerguy95 on Aug 17, 2018 13:38:10 GMT
Hey all,
First off, I’ve been lurking on this thread for some time since I saw Jeb’s site about the anxious-preoccupied type of relationship anxiety. I was hoping that this thread was still active, since it was like an epiphany to me that other people are out there that feel the same way as I do - that in and of itself is alleviating! You are wonderful for supporting everyone in the way that you do.
So I’ve had this relationship style for a long time, and it seems to go back to middle-school/early high-school when I wasn’t the most attractive. I got rejected a lot, until I bloomed. Then, the joke became that I could get plenty of girls - but I couldn’t keep them. Fast forward to age 22.
At this point, I’ve dated multiple anxious-avoidant people, and a few AP’s as well. The AP’s were worse than me, so I didn’t feel as insecure in those relationships, but I knew they weren’t right. Now, I finally have met a girl that is secure and we’ve been dating for about 8 months. She is a little older than me (26), very reassuring, kind, and caring. We have excellent chemistry and have talked about the future, much of the time with her bringing it up (moving in together after we graduate PA school, jokes about marriage, etc). She knows I have slight social anxiety and generalized anxiety as well, and has been super supportive from the get-go... never judging me or anything like in other relationships. However, my relationship anxiety gets worse with stressors. I begin to fear that eventually, my anxiety will prove to be too much for her. I feel the need for constant reassurance (though I often hold my tongue now since learning the hard way in the past from others) and my doting nature will get old. Now, we’re doing occasional long-distance. We’re both on clinical rotations for our physician assistant programs, and it has been rough for me. I’m currently in Tampa for 6 weeks and she is back in my home state. After this, we’ll be living together for a while since our rotations are in the same location. She is flying down to see me for a weekend, so I know she still loves me the same, but I struggle extra when we are apart. She knows I need more attention than her, so she calls me daily and we FaceTime once a week. She doesn’t mind this, but I also felt bad asking this of her.
I find that I go through periods of being comfortable (often correlating with her talking to me more often, separated by periods of extreme discomfort - when she isn’t talking to me as much). Most recently, I drove up to Detroit to see her for a few days. We didn’t get to spend that much time since she is currently working in the ER a lot. I was stressed out since she had me meet all of her family members and close friends from home all at one time, and I feel like my anxious tendencies came out that night before bed. I was beating myself up for not being more outgoing, and though I made a good impression, I wasn’t being myself, and this frustrated me. I started to look for reassurance, and I finally admitted to her that my primary fear was that I am finally going to be too much for her and that she will get sick of it and leave. She told me, “ I think everyone has that fear, but I don’t know what else to tell you. I can’t tell you that because that sounds an awful lot like ‘will we be together forever?’, and I don’t 100% know that. I’d like that, but I cant answer that.” She went on to say that she knew that’s not what I meant. Still I started freaking out internally that I had finally become too much, since that sound super needy, and I started crying. She did her best to console me, but was exhausted and fell asleep. I finally fell asleep, and though we had a couple fun days together before I left, I feel like because of this and me being stressed in general over this trip - I ruined one of the few opportunities to see her during this period. I can’t stop thinking about it now, and I’m feeling extra uncomfortable because she hasn’t been talking to me as much (as I know she just saw me, so she doesn’t miss me too much yet). Also, I seem to get really frazzled when something happens that exposes my tendencies towards being the anxious-attached type. I fear that this is what is going to make her leave me. I have dated people that were anxiously-attached worse than myself, and I know that it looks needy and unattractive. In addition, I also have had people leave me because of this in the past as well. I guess I just need some support from you guys right now, since this has been hard the past few days. Does anyone else fear looking too needy and how do you keep this in check? I tend to spiral and ruminate when this happens. I’ve made giant strides with coming to understand all of this after finally dating a secure and understanding girl, but I feel like if I don’t finally get this under control once and for all, I am going to force a self-fulfilling prophecy to occur and drive her away from me. Thank you guys so much for your help and support. You’re wonderful, I appreciate you, and I’m pulling for each and every one of you. Sorry for being long winded!
First off, I’ve been lurking on this thread for some time since I saw Jeb’s site about the anxious-preoccupied type of relationship anxiety. I was hoping that this thread was still active, since it was like an epiphany to me that other people are out there that feel the same way as I do - that in and of itself is alleviating! You are wonderful for supporting everyone in the way that you do.
So I’ve had this relationship style for a long time, and it seems to go back to middle-school/early high-school when I wasn’t the most attractive. I got rejected a lot, until I bloomed. Then, the joke became that I could get plenty of girls - but I couldn’t keep them. Fast forward to age 22.
At this point, I’ve dated multiple anxious-avoidant people, and a few AP’s as well. The AP’s were worse than me, so I didn’t feel as insecure in those relationships, but I knew they weren’t right. Now, I finally have met a girl that is secure and we’ve been dating for about 8 months. She is a little older than me (26), very reassuring, kind, and caring. We have excellent chemistry and have talked about the future, much of the time with her bringing it up (moving in together after we graduate PA school, jokes about marriage, etc). She knows I have slight social anxiety and generalized anxiety as well, and has been super supportive from the get-go... never judging me or anything like in other relationships. However, my relationship anxiety gets worse with stressors. I begin to fear that eventually, my anxiety will prove to be too much for her. I feel the need for constant reassurance (though I often hold my tongue now since learning the hard way in the past from others) and my doting nature will get old. Now, we’re doing occasional long-distance. We’re both on clinical rotations for our physician assistant programs, and it has been rough for me. I’m currently in Tampa for 6 weeks and she is back in my home state. After this, we’ll be living together for a while since our rotations are in the same location. She is flying down to see me for a weekend, so I know she still loves me the same, but I struggle extra when we are apart. She knows I need more attention than her, so she calls me daily and we FaceTime once a week. She doesn’t mind this, but I also felt bad asking this of her.
I find that I go through periods of being comfortable (often correlating with her talking to me more often, separated by periods of extreme discomfort - when she isn’t talking to me as much). Most recently, I drove up to Detroit to see her for a few days. We didn’t get to spend that much time since she is currently working in the ER a lot. I was stressed out since she had me meet all of her family members and close friends from home all at one time, and I feel like my anxious tendencies came out that night before bed. I was beating myself up for not being more outgoing, and though I made a good impression, I wasn’t being myself, and this frustrated me. I started to look for reassurance, and I finally admitted to her that my primary fear was that I am finally going to be too much for her and that she will get sick of it and leave. She told me, “ I think everyone has that fear, but I don’t know what else to tell you. I can’t tell you that because that sounds an awful lot like ‘will we be together forever?’, and I don’t 100% know that. I’d like that, but I cant answer that.” She went on to say that she knew that’s not what I meant. Still I started freaking out internally that I had finally become too much, since that sound super needy, and I started crying. She did her best to console me, but was exhausted and fell asleep. I finally fell asleep, and though we had a couple fun days together before I left, I feel like because of this and me being stressed in general over this trip - I ruined one of the few opportunities to see her during this period. I can’t stop thinking about it now, and I’m feeling extra uncomfortable because she hasn’t been talking to me as much (as I know she just saw me, so she doesn’t miss me too much yet). Also, I seem to get really frazzled when something happens that exposes my tendencies towards being the anxious-attached type. I fear that this is what is going to make her leave me. I have dated people that were anxiously-attached worse than myself, and I know that it looks needy and unattractive. In addition, I also have had people leave me because of this in the past as well. I guess I just need some support from you guys right now, since this has been hard the past few days. Does anyone else fear looking too needy and how do you keep this in check? I tend to spiral and ruminate when this happens. I’ve made giant strides with coming to understand all of this after finally dating a secure and understanding girl, but I feel like if I don’t finally get this under control once and for all, I am going to force a self-fulfilling prophecy to occur and drive her away from me. Thank you guys so much for your help and support. You’re wonderful, I appreciate you, and I’m pulling for each and every one of you. Sorry for being long winded!
