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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2018 13:49:12 GMT
I have spent the last day wrestling with my thoughts and feelings....why? Because I am back to a all too familiar pattern of feeling like I have lost the best guy...that it was truly all my fault. I cannot move off of this..not an inch. Every time I try to think of ways that B was not able to meet my needs...I end up seeing it as a direct result of my inability to tell him what I needed. Every single encounter that went south was a direct result of my neediness, my inability to meet him where he was, my inability to be chill. I cannot list a single "fault" in him that was not tied to me or that was something that could be overcome with patience and love. In part, I know why I do this...because if everything is my fault...then if I just change "enough", then maybe he will come back. A few months back B revealed that when he started dating me, he was lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy and did not think it would be anything serious...but I was so good to him that he grew to love me. And acknowledging that (while I appreciate his honestly) stinks, it hurts..it feels like I could have been any girl and that I meant nothing to him. He is a good guy...which makes it so much harder. Just really feeling down.😥
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2018 15:26:21 GMT
So, I feel better....just from having written the above out...so thank you for giving me space to do that here.
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Post by notalone on Aug 17, 2018 19:51:36 GMT
I have spent the last day wrestling with my thoughts and feelings....why? Because I am back to a all too familiar pattern of feeling like I have lost the best guy...that it was truly all my fault. I cannot move off of this..not an inch. Every time I try to think of ways that B was not able to meet my needs...I end up seeing it as a direct result of my inability to tell him what I needed. Every single encounter that went south was a direct result of my neediness, my inability to meet him where he was, my inability to be chill. I cannot list a single "fault" in him that was not tied to me or that was something that could be overcome with patience and love. In part, I know why I do this...because if everything is my fault...then if I just change "enough", then maybe he will come back. A few months back B revealed that when he started dating me, he was lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy and did not think it would be anything serious...but I was so good to him that he grew to love me. And acknowledging that (while I appreciate his honestly) stinks, it hurts..it feels like I could have been any girl and that I meant nothing to him. He is a good guy...which makes it so much harder. Just really feeling down.😥 tnr9 I'm glad getting that out helped a bit.
I understand the feelings you are describing, I've been there. When I feel that way no one can convince me otherwise. What I can say to you as an outside, objective person is that a relationship is about a dynamic between 2 people, not about who did what right or wrong, and NO ONE is perfect, we all have strengths and weaknesses, so it can't be all your fault.
My therapist explained to me the idea of the protector prosecutor in our last session, and later I found this interview which talks about how that works, and includes why we blame ourselves. I found it interesting and insightful. Maybe you will too. The bottom line is don't believe your thoughts, it's NOT your fault. Here's a link to the interview:
www.danielasieff.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Unlocking-the-Secrets-of-the-Wounded-Psyche-2008-JN-b..pdf
Also, I think the fact that he fell in love with you says more than the fact that he was lonely and what he was looking for originally. He fell in love with you DESPITE what he was looking for. So yeah, try to look at it that way.
I know you probably just need time, space to vent, and support. Letting go is really hard. Just know I get it and you're not alone.
XX
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2018 19:54:08 GMT
So...it seems to come in waves....I had another 2 hours where I was caught up in the grip of things..that thankfully has passed...but this really stinks. I find myself not wanting to work in those moments and all I want to do is flee and cry. Right now, I am ok...I feel above it.....I am not consumed in it....does this happen to anyone else?
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Post by notalone on Aug 17, 2018 19:56:08 GMT
So...it seems to come in waves....I had another 2 hours where I was caught up in the grip of things..that thankfully has passed...but this really stinks. I find myself not wanting to work in those moments and all I want to do is flee and cry. Right now, I am ok...I feel above it.....I am not consumed in it....does this happen to anyone else? Yes, completely. I find the term "preoccupied" perfect in that I find myself completely preoccupied when I'm in that kind of state, and it's hard to focus on anything else. I can get myself busy and distracted and do better for chunks of time, but then it's back again. With time, the waves get smaller, and less frequent, and eventually they pass. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2018 20:01:44 GMT
I have spent the last day wrestling with my thoughts and feelings....why? Because I am back to a all too familiar pattern of feeling like I have lost the best guy...that it was truly all my fault. I cannot move off of this..not an inch. Every time I try to think of ways that B was not able to meet my needs...I end up seeing it as a direct result of my inability to tell him what I needed. Every single encounter that went south was a direct result of my neediness, my inability to meet him where he was, my inability to be chill. I cannot list a single "fault" in him that was not tied to me or that was something that could be overcome with patience and love. In part, I know why I do this...because if everything is my fault...then if I just change "enough", then maybe he will come back. A few months back B revealed that when he started dating me, he was lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy and did not think it would be anything serious...but I was so good to him that he grew to love me. And acknowledging that (while I appreciate his honestly) stinks, it hurts..it feels like I could have been any girl and that I meant nothing to him. He is a good guy...which makes it so much harder. Just really feeling down.😥 tnr9 I'm glad getting that out helped a bit.
I understand the feelings you are describing, I've been there. When I feel that way no one can convince me otherwise. What I can say to you as an outside, objective person is that a relationship is about a dynamic between 2 people, not about who did what right or wrong, and NO ONE is perfect, we all have strengths and weaknesses, so it can't be all your fault.
My therapist explained to me the idea of the protector prosecutor in our last session, and later I found this interview which talks about how that works, and includes why we blame ourselves. I found it interesting and insightful. Maybe you will too. The bottom line is don't believe your thoughts, it's NOT your fault. Here's a link to the interview:
www.danielasieff.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Unlocking-the-Secrets-of-the-Wounded-Psyche-2008-JN-b..pdf
Also, I think the fact that he fell in love with you says more than the fact that he was lonely and what he was looking for originally. He fell in love with you DESPITE what he was looking for. So yeah, try to look at it that way.
I know you probably just need time, space to vent, and support. Letting go is really hard. Just know I get it and you're not alone.
XX
Thanks, I really appreciate it....I actually journaled again....it seems to help more then it used to. I was reflecting that there seems to be a connection between B moving on and my dad moving on after my parents divorce. I wonder if I never truly grieved that and it is now time to be honest about how much it hurt to be "left". So much of my therapy in the past was mom focused since we lived with our mom. I think I just numbed the pain regarding my dad after a while. Not sure it is connected, but after I journaled it...I was able to get above things...so maybe there is a link. |
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