AP stuckness & (mis)understanding of attachment theory?

it's true i do always need reminding that what is natural and obvious to me as a DA is not natural and obvious to an AP, and discussions like this highlight that but i love that we can have the exchange.
the fear of vulnerability is real but different between the types, and it seems to have to do with the reliance on other for safety (AP) vs. self-reliance (DA)
but interdependence is the ultimate goal.
we just have different paths to get there.

my healthy vulnerability leads to being able to rely a little more on my partner and open up to support.

your healthy vulnerability leads to being able to rely on others less, and be able to offer yourself more support.
i think. does that sound right?

This. Attachment books should not be written/read as dating advice, but rather as self help/healing.

We have the most power when we seek to understand our own process, intervene in our own process and adjust our own behaviour. Sure it is easy to blame the other party and not have to do aything, but this robs us of our power. Neither the victim, nor the rescuer, nor the accuser role are positions of power.

All power comes from taking ownership of our side of the dynamic.

Another important thing if to trust that if we continue healing, health is its own reward. Regardless of outcome with a particular partner.



Then expressing feelings can be a worthwhile freedom of soul.
That is what I strive for.
I do feel awkward and then in hindsight think "It would have been honest and also kind to have said X"
But sometimes my spontaniety is greater than my reserve and I can axpress my joy sincerely or give praise from my heart.

And you know, if you get rejected while being you, that person was not for you.

The real pain is when you played "Normal" when the other would have loved the you that you had been hiding.

yes! all points!

the way i see it, AP tend to apply the knowledge about their partner's attachment style as a guide to where they might be able to compromise their own needs to make their partner feel more safe, or comfortable, or happy, or at least less unhappy.

It seems more effort goes into understanding how the partner ticks, and trying their best to accommodate that, in order to avoid perceived abandonment. I see emotional unavailability on the AP part in this, kind of a transactional dynamic- i gave you space, don't leave me. i needed less, don't leave me.

Instead of seeing the incompatibility between their dysfunction/needs and their partner's needs/dysfunction, i see AP's trying to forge compatibility without real intimacy and vulnerability.

i see it in all the threads where the AP poster recounts how they did this, and this, and this for their avoidant partner and still are unhappy, their needs are not met, and their partner left or is chronically unavailable.

I see it in all the boundaries not set or not enforced, because flaws in the partners ability to respect them are excused by attachment theory. "He does x because he is avoidant and that is what avoidant do."
True. but does it work for you?

there is an over-empathizing, an enabling feel to the relationship dramas that play out when an AP seeks a lot of information and understanding of their partners attachment style.

AP may read all the books, and is hanging in there, with none of their needs met consistently. something is amiss with this.

It would be better to uncover and address the insecurity that contributes to the compulsion to seek love and consistency from an emotionally unavailable partner.
that's what it looks like from my perspective.

well, that's the wound. it's familiar, but it's also something that can be altered.
if it were not possible to amend this pattern i do not believe it would be suggested.
the suggested method is to focus on one's own attachment injury and recommended practices for recovery.


awareness is only part of the battle. active change is needed to move past what one is aware of.

Wow! I went to work for 8 hours and came back to all this rich discussion about what it means and feels like to be vulnerable, why authenticity is valuable, where personal power comes from.

There's more to say, but brief reactions:

juniper , my mind is blown by your painfully astute observation:

"the way i see it, AP tend to apply the knowledge about their partner's attachment style as a guide to where they might be able to compromise their own needs to make their partner feel more safe, or comfortable, or happy, or at least less unhappy. It seems more effort goes into understanding how the partner ticks, and trying their best to accommodate that, in order to avoid perceived abandonment. I see emotional unavailability on the AP part in this, kind of a transactional dynamic- i gave you space, don't leave me. i needed less, don't leave me. Instead of seeing the incompatibility between their dysfunction/needs and their partner's needs/dysfunction, i see AP's trying to forge compatibility without real intimacy and vulnerability."

I've thought and acted that way, but I never perceived it as transactional and a barrier to intimacy. I saw it as compassionate, flexible, understanding. I think I was able to view it that way only because I was out of touch with my own needs and/or unwilling to recognize them as a valid and real part of me. So I didn't see that I wasn't bringing my whole and real self to the dynamic when I would meet my partner more than halfway. I'm glad leavethelighton asked you to say more about what you meant. The clarification was SO clarifying.


alexandra , this was so thought-provoking:

"Once you get really clear and honest with yourself on what you want from this situation, though, and make sure it's an outcome that doesn't depend on her response, it will make your next course of action really obvious to you and become easier to follow through on. Plus, it will make you feel good about yourself for being strong enough to state your needs, whether saying something to her or just to yourself, and survive it afterwards!"

That's just it! I need to get clear on what I owe myself, independent of her. All this talk about everything coming back to our care and responsibility towards ourselves is making me wonder what I could possibly say to my ex. It's making me wonder what she even has to do with anything. I am seriously puzzled. I am not saying there's no useful conversation to be had, I'm just deeply questioning what it is.


And goldilocks , thanks for this one:

"Sure it is easy to blame the other party and not have to do aything, but this robs us of our power. Neither the victim, nor the rescuer, nor the accuser role are positions of power. All power comes from taking ownership of our side of the dynamic."

I definitely have a rescuer fantasy, and I'm sure I can benefit from dismantling the idea that it is empowering or supportive of intimacy.

I would also add to your very wise point that for AP, there can be tendency to assume TOO much responsibility for whatever is amiss in a relationship, to feel that we're getting it all wrong and need to change ourselves. In fact, there are some parts of ourselves that we need to defend rather than change: our self-respecting standards, boundaries, and feelings. It's not like we don't have them or hear them speaking to us, it's just that we often don't listen.

Therefore, my slight reformulation is:

"All power comes from taking ownership of our side of the dynamic, and nothing more."

to illustrate my point, here is the main article about Anxious Preoccupied partners from Jeb's site and it's really hard to romanticize it. However, it seems that anxious posters tend to minimize the dysfunction in this style of relating and emphasize instead the enormous feelings of attachment and desire to be reciprocated in what they feel is love.

the way i see it, they are actually reciprocated in the emotional unavailability they manifest in their own attachment dysfunction.

jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/