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Post by epicgum on Aug 22, 2018 17:24:49 GMT
This sounds very much like what is described for FA. I'm really sorry to hear you're hurting. It is hard, but I absolutely agree with andy's suggestion of concentrating on yourself. Self care and self love are so important now - especially so if you do seem to be experiencing some AP tendencies, as the 'text book' AP generally has lower self esteem than some other attachment types. Although it sounds like a lot of your thoughts are related to the break-up and your ex, I recommend finding something that requires your concentration (easier said than done, right?) Can you start a new hobby, or plan something with friends or family? I've actually started meditation in the last week or so, using a highly recommended app called Headspace. Even just a few minutes of peace each day is helping me. My final observation (it may be something you've already read yourself) which sort of 'piggy backs' on to the comment from goldilocks, in terms of the FA description; I've also read that often FAs will almost idolise their previous partners after a break-up and I imagine (although I am only basing this on reading) this is linked somewhat with the circling that can happen with FAs. So perhaps ask yourself, as painful as things are at the moment, do you feel you have worked through or at least are prepared to work through whatever caused the intimacy fear initially? I think if you can demonstrate that to your ex, it would certainly put you in a better position but of course I can't comment on how your ex would be feeling herself. Good Luck! Thank you for your thoughts jess92 ! What do you mean by "circling" ? In terms of working things through...I've been attempting to learn more about these things and try to understand them so that I can deal with the impulses. Right now I think I've had enough distance that the idealization has kicked into such a high gear that I would love her and never ever let her go! Of course, who knows, but I definitely feel more "in love" with her right now than at any other point. Do you have any other advice for "working things through" I might be going overboard at present in an unhealthy way (which is what my sister says) but I also really want to fix these things about myself so that I don't repeat this situation. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 22, 2018 17:46:18 GMT
What do you mean by "circling" ? In terms of working things through...I've been attempting to learn more about these things and try to understand them so that I can deal with the impulses. Right now I think I've had enough distance that the idealization has kicked into such a high gear that I would love her and never ever let her go! Of course, who knows, but I definitely feel more "in love" with her right now than at any other point. Do you have any other advice for "working things through" I might be going overboard at present in an unhealthy way (which is what my sister says) but I also really want to fix these things about myself so that I don't repeat this situation. That's what we're all here for isn't it.... I've only been on the forum for around 10 days and at the moment, it feels like one of the best things I could have found to help my journey, so I truly hope it does the same for you. Circling/cycling is the 'push/pull' or as some articles refer to it "come here, go away". It's the (excuse the sweeping generalisation) avoidants' need to distance themselves, and when they have space and feel less overwhelmed, again they may crave the connection that they had. But I've read that it is almost like a vicious cycle as unless the underlying reason for the 'pull' is resolved (i.e healing/working through past trauma) then it will literally just circle round and round. I'm speaking from an AP perspective myself, but I guess the simple fact that you want to work through things is the best starting point. For me, I'm throwing myself in to reading books such as Jeb's and some other books on attachment and mindfulness. I google attachment styles daily as well as visiting this forum. I've lost count of the amount of posts I've read, just to get as much insight from all angles. I've started meditating (as above) and I'm starting counselling next week too. If you can, I would try and look at it as a way to work on yourself. If that then has a knock on effect in the future and you are able to rekindle a relationship with your ex then so be it, but by doing what you can to heal and become more secure, you put yourself in a better place for yourself and secondary to that, any future partner. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 22, 2018 17:54:21 GMT
What do you mean by "circling" ? In terms of working things through...I've been attempting to learn more about these things and try to understand them so that I can deal with the impulses. Right now I think I've had enough distance that the idealization has kicked into such a high gear that I would love her and never ever let her go! Of course, who knows, but I definitely feel more "in love" with her right now than at any other point. Do you have any other advice for "working things through" I might be going overboard at present in an unhealthy way (which is what my sister says) but I also really want to fix these things about myself so that I don't repeat this situation. That's what we're all here for isn't it.... I've only been on the forum for around 10 days and at the moment, it feels like one of the best things I could have found to help my journey, so I truly hope it does the same for you. Circling/cycling is the 'push/pull' or as some articles refer to it "come here, go away". It's the (excuse the sweeping generalisation) avoidants' need to distance themselves, and when they have space and feel less overwhelmed, again they may crave the connection that they had. But I've read that it is almost like a vicious cycle as unless the underlying reason for the 'pull' is resolved (i.e healing/working through past trauma) then it will literally just circle round and round. I'm speaking from an AP perspective myself, but I guess the simple fact that you want to work through things is the best starting point. For me, I'm throwing myself in to reading books such as Jeb's and some other books on attachment and mindfulness. I google attachment styles daily as well as visiting this forum. I've lost count of the amount of posts I've read, just to get as much insight from all angles. I've started meditating (as above) and I'm starting counselling next week too. If you can, I would try and look at it as a way to work on yourself. If that then has a knock on effect in the future and you are able to rekindle a relationship with your ex then so be it, but by doing what you can to heal and become more secure, you put yourself in a better place for yourself and secondary to that, any future partner. Ahh, thanks for the reply...it is funny, we are at the same place in life! I am doing many of those same things (Read "Attached," googled a ton of articles, trying to start counseling soon...I just got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, just finished a course in transcendental meditation) Yes, everyone says that you need to look at the breakup as an opportunity for self growth, and they are definitely right...but it's hard when you just feel crippled and want to do anything in your power to get your emotional security back. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Aug 22, 2018 20:26:55 GMT
Have you tried listing the aspects of the relationship that were not working for you, as you seem to be aware that there were a few? That has been recommended to me and I've found it helpful as a reminder to self (though definitely not a cure for the sadness and loss, which is totally okay to feel). Take care of you. Thanks, that is a good strategy. It's just painful to let go, or to destroy all of these positive feelings about her, I feel bad doing it, when there were so many things I liked about her. I also feel bad because for the first time I feel like I can experience actual love for her, which I hadn't been able to feel prior, and now that I have them, these feelings feel good! The main issue is that she drank too much, became very overweight and refused to exercise, and I was both becoming less attracted to her and worried about her health in the long term (esp. as she is considerably older than me), and frustrated that she couldn't share in moderately athletic activities that I wanted to do...then later in the relationship she began to dedicate almost all of her time to work, leaving almost no time for me, being avoidant, this bothered me, however I could not articulate it even to myself...BUT...I didn't have the courage to actually bring these issues up with her because I was afraid of the confrontation and/or hurting her, and/or afraid the relationship might end, so I found myself gradually disengaging and just hoping that "after she gets this new less stressful job" she will get better. Some of that is legitimate concern, some of that I think was my activated attachment system trying to maintain distance. I've since read a ton of relationship articles and learned (the hard way) the importance of both direct communication, even if it is painful, and of accepting that you cannot control peoples choices, and you need to weigh the good and the bad and accept or reject them exactly as they are. It is interesting to hear more about the concerns you had in the relationship. It is great that you are doing some self-reflection about how much was of it was your own fault-finding to create distance. I have been reflecting a lot myself about when it is appropriate and necessary to speak openly with a partner/ex-partner and when we need to hold back from that until we've done our own processing, in order to avoid dumping on them when we aren't really in touch with ourselves yet. Concerns about the health of your partner make sense and can be expressed in a caring way. And definitely, if she was so absorbed in her work that she had almost no time for you, I can see how that might leave you with unmet needs (even if you did not think of it that way at the time). But it would be a huge red flag to me/likely a deal-breaker if a partner criticized my weight and exercise habits. I don't have any personal experience with deactivation through fault-finding as I've always landed in the anxious to secure range myself, depending on who I'm with. But from my limited knowledge, it strikes me that concerns about your partner's participation in your hobbies and body size/shape are not really about your own needs going unmet and are kind of reaching into stuff that's her business and not yours? It IS totally your business if you aren't attracted to her anymore or don't enjoy her company anymore. Attraction changes, connection changes. But I would not put that on the other person. If your concerns are about finding her undesirable in whatever way rather than feeling that she's not collaborating with you and considering your needs, I would take that as a cue to do some self-exploration to figure out exactly where that's coming from. I am sorry this is rough. Sounds like lots of learning happening for you now. I really hope that my comments above do not add to any regret you might have about the way things played out between you. I find it helpful to keep reminding myself that the way things happened is the way they had to happen given where each person was at and their level of understanding and health at the time. You handled things as best you knew how, and your learning and self-reflection will lead to greater health and better ability to navigate this stuff, with her or any other partner. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 22, 2018 21:28:51 GMT
Thanks, that is a good strategy. It's just painful to let go, or to destroy all of these positive feelings about her, I feel bad doing it, when there were so many things I liked about her. I also feel bad because for the first time I feel like I can experience actual love for her, which I hadn't been able to feel prior, and now that I have them, these feelings feel good! The main issue is that she drank too much, became very overweight and refused to exercise, and I was both becoming less attracted to her and worried about her health in the long term (esp. as she is considerably older than me), and frustrated that she couldn't share in moderately athletic activities that I wanted to do...then later in the relationship she began to dedicate almost all of her time to work, leaving almost no time for me, being avoidant, this bothered me, however I could not articulate it even to myself...BUT...I didn't have the courage to actually bring these issues up with her because I was afraid of the confrontation and/or hurting her, and/or afraid the relationship might end, so I found myself gradually disengaging and just hoping that "after she gets this new less stressful job" she will get better. Some of that is legitimate concern, some of that I think was my activated attachment system trying to maintain distance. I've since read a ton of relationship articles and learned (the hard way) the importance of both direct communication, even if it is painful, and of accepting that you cannot control peoples choices, and you need to weigh the good and the bad and accept or reject them exactly as they are. It is interesting to hear more about the concerns you had in the relationship. It is great that you are doing some self-reflection about how much was of it was your own fault-finding to create distance. I have been reflecting a lot myself about when it is appropriate and necessary to speak openly with a partner/ex-partner and when we need to hold back from that until we've done our own processing, in order to avoid dumping on them when we aren't really in touch with ourselves yet. Concerns about the health of your partner make sense and can be expressed in a caring way. And definitely, if she was so absorbed in her work that she had almost no time for you, I can see how that might leave you with unmet needs (even if you did not think of it that way at the time). But it would be a huge red flag to me/likely a deal-breaker if a partner criticized my weight and exercise habits. I don't have any personal experience with deactivation through fault-finding as I've always landed in the anxious to secure range myself, depending on who I'm with. But from my limited knowledge, it strikes me that concerns about your partner's participation in your hobbies and body size/shape are not really about your own needs going unmet and are kind of reaching into stuff that's her business and not yours? It IS totally your business if you aren't attracted to her anymore or don't enjoy her company anymore. Attraction changes, connection changes. But I would not put that on the other person. If your concerns are about finding her undesirable in whatever way rather than feeling that she's not collaborating with you and considering your needs, I would take that as a cue to do some self-exploration to figure out exactly where that's coming from. I am sorry this is rough. Sounds like lots of learning happening for you now. I really hope that my comments above do not add to any regret you might have about the way things played out between you. I find it helpful to keep reminding myself that the way things happened is the way they had to happen given where each person was at and their level of understanding and health at the time. You handled things as best you knew how, and your learning and self-reflection will lead to greater health and better ability to navigate this stuff, with her or any other partner. Yeah, this is why I feel so unbelievably shitty, because it was (in large part) dumb, superficial reasons percolating in my brain, that for whatever reason I began to fixate on privately. (Privately because I was ashamed of them, so I couldn't discuss them with anyone. And because I isolated myself with her, I didn't have any regular contact with close friends that I felt comfortable talking it out with) The way this ties into attachment theory is the avoidant thought that "the one" who is perfect for you is just around the corner and you might be missing out by staying with the current person. For me, "the one" began to involve a picture of someone who would join me in biking and stuff, and would take some level of interest in fitness and I began to have fantasies about doing stuff like that with my partner. The exgf originally said that she wanted those things too, so the fantasy involved her future self. After some time, I began to realize that she was not seriously interested in this and that's when I started to pull away. (Stupidly, because like I said, I otherwise really enjoyed spending time with her, and I now realize that your fantasies are just that...fantasies that aren't likely to exist in just one person. Ie. Someone who meets your emotional needs and also is physically ideal and also shared all your major hobbies.) But that said I don't think that health and/or exercise should be off the table for discussion, if it is something that really bothers you you need to say it, (compassionately) no matter what. That's the lesson I took from this. And besides, it's good for your partner to help you, she certainly nagged me about stupid health things that I did and I was grateful for it. Edit: there's also plenty of my own garden variety avoidance that was scared of closeness and engulfment and commitment solely for those reasons and not connected with her. Edit 2: I'll also say that she probably qualifies as a high functioning alcoholic and that was another thing that bothered me because I was worried about where it might lead if she didn't slow down. But, that is another thing I was to afraid to bring up because I knew she was ashamed of it and I didn't want to hurt her or make her dislike me...and I was too closed off and/or ashamed to discuss that with anyone else either. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2018 22:07:31 GMT
This sounds very much like what is described for FA. Hmmm, thank you goldilocks ! That was going to be another question of mine, whether I sounded more like a DA or an FA. I mostly learned about attachment theory by reading "Attached" which did not really cover FA, so I'm not super familiar with what it entails. , i was thinking FA, while still an avoidant style it is really very much different from dismissive. perhaps some support for that attachment style would give you even more insight and understanding. i'm sorry you're hurting, breakups are so sad. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 22, 2018 22:37:42 GMT
Hmmm, thank you goldilocks ! That was going to be another question of mine, whether I sounded more like a DA or an FA. I mostly learned about attachment theory by reading "Attached" which did not really cover FA, so I'm not super familiar with what it entails. , i was thinking FA, while still an avoidant style it is really very much different from dismissive. perhaps some support for that attachment style would give you even more insight and understanding. i'm sorry you're hurting, breakups are so sad. Thank you juniper I really appreciate your and everyone else's compassion and insight. And yes....it is hurting me really bad. I really don't want to exist. If I'd known how hard this would be I would have just gone ahead and married her despite my anxiety just to keep her close to me. :/ Edit: to be clear, she asked me to marry her as a means to stay in the country and I kind of panicked and said no. Does anyone one here identify as an FA? |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 22, 2018 22:56:18 GMT
epicgum, have you taken the assessment on Jeb's site to see where you land?
If you are FA, my understanding (not being an FA) is that the day-to-day relationship difficulty is in having multiple types of triggers of your attachment system... too close makes you uncomfortable and avoidant (ie possibly fault-finding and noncommittal), too far gives you separation anxiety. So without any serious healing, the default is to want to be kind of inbetween -- avoiding true intimacy because it feels so threatening to be vulnerable but also still in the sphere of your partner... while never really being able to ask for, or necessarily even understand, what you really need. Basically, a lot of fear-based self-defense mechanisms going off no matter the situation. However, neither your partner nor her presence can actually make any of it any better for you. Only you can, by doing a lot of your own work. Work that will be painful and time-consuming, but be well worth it if you can come out more secure on the other side of it.
Anne linked you to some of the overviews of disorganized attachment, which is a starting point once you've assessed. It sounds like a therapist would also really help if the breakup is triggering so much anxiety in you that existence feels like a struggle right now. I would venture to guess that's also in no small part because you've said you isolated yourself with her, and now that she's gone you probably have all sorts of holes (companionship, connection, schedule) that you have no idea how to fill at this time. So you're not only mourning losing her, but a big source of support in your life that isn't necessarily romantic.
Remember that going back to her, if she has not done her own work, still means attaching yourself insecurely (because it's to another insecure person), and you suspecting she may have a drinking problem is a serious problem and not just fault-finding. That's why it's important to try to disconnect her from the equation for now and sort out yourself and your own feelings first. You won't be able to show up healthy enough for her if she's dealing with her own insecure style and a substance abuse problem without figuring out your side. After you do so, you're likely going to gain a different perspective and what you want out of your relationship with her may change again. You're doing well by both of you to be taking space, and you're in a good place to really dive into understanding yourself and deciding what changes you want to make -- for yourself not her -- in that space.
I hope your anxiety ebbs somewhat. I know that it's truly horrible, and makes taking care of yourself difficult when it's in full effect. Make sure to keep eating and sleeping enough, if you're not already  |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 22, 2018 23:07:42 GMT
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andy
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Post by andy on Aug 23, 2018 0:51:51 GMT
Yeah, this is why I feel so unbelievably shitty, because it was (in large part) dumb, superficial reasons percolating in my brain, that for whatever reason I began to fixate on privately. (Privately because I was ashamed of them, so I couldn't discuss them with anyone. And because I isolated myself with her, I didn't have any regular contact with close friends that I felt comfortable talking it out with) The way this ties into attachment theory is the avoidant thought that "the one" who is perfect for you is just around the corner and you might be missing out by staying with the current person. For me, "the one" began to involve a picture of someone who would join me in biking and stuff, and would take some level of interest in fitness and I began to have fantasies about doing stuff like that with my partner. The exgf originally said that she wanted those things too, so the fantasy involved her future self. After some time, I began to realize that she was not seriously interested in this and that's when I started to pull away. (Stupidly, because like I said, I otherwise really enjoyed spending time with her, and I now realize that your fantasies are just that...fantasies that aren't likely to exist in just one person. Ie. Someone who meets your emotional needs and also is physically ideal and also shared all your major hobbies.) But that said I don't think that health and/or exercise should be off the table for discussion, if it is something that really bothers you you need to say it, (compassionately) no matter what. That's the lesson I took from this. And besides, it's good for your partner to help you, she certainly nagged me about stupid health things that I did and I was grateful for it. Edit: there's also plenty of my own garden variety avoidance that was scared of closeness and engulfment and commitment solely for those reasons and not connected with her. Edit 2: I'll also say that she probably qualifies as a high functioning alcoholic and that was another thing that bothered me because I was worried about where it might lead if she didn't slow down. But, that is another thing I was to afraid to bring up because I knew she was ashamed of it and I didn't want to hurt her or make her dislike me...and I was too closed off and/or ashamed to discuss that with anyone else either. Quick reply to say I'm glad you know your own mind and values re: "I don't think that health and/or exercise should be off the table for discussion, if it is something that really bothers you you need to say it, (compassionately) no matter what." Reflecting on this, I think I was wrong to suggest that the issue is categorically not your business and not connected to your needs. I myself have strong values around size acceptance, so it WOULD be a deal-breaker to me for a partner to bring up concerns with my body shape or size (health-promoting behaviours is a different story). However, that may not not an attachment issue or communication issue so much as an irreconcilable values mismatch (similar to a major religious or political mismatch). So, I am sorry for the possible overstep there. I can imagine that if you already feel shame around discussing your concerns in this relationship, it may not help for me to be editorializing. Everyone is different in terms of what legitimately matters to them in a relationship. Only you can tease apart the concerns that come from your deepest self and those that are fault-finding, and it sounds like a complex mix. Good wishes to you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 23, 2018 1:33:38 GMT
epicgum , i was thinking FA, while still an avoidant style it is really very much different from dismissive. perhaps some support for that attachment style would give you even more insight and understanding. i'm sorry you're hurting, breakups are so sad. Thank you juniper I really appreciate your and everyone else's compassion and insight. And yes....it is hurting me really bad. I really don't want to exist. If I'd known how hard this would be I would have just gone ahead and married her despite my anxiety just to keep her close to me. :/ Edit: to be clear, she asked me to marry her as a means to stay in the country and I kind of panicked and said no. Does anyone one here identify as an FA? mrob and brokenbiscuit both identify as FA. You may want to read through their posts in the FA section. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 7:38:32 GMT
That's what we're all here for isn't it.... I've only been on the forum for around 10 days and at the moment, it feels like one of the best things I could have found to help my journey, so I truly hope it does the same for you. Circling/cycling is the 'push/pull' or as some articles refer to it "come here, go away". It's the (excuse the sweeping generalisation) avoidants' need to distance themselves, and when they have space and feel less overwhelmed, again they may crave the connection that they had. But I've read that it is almost like a vicious cycle as unless the underlying reason for the 'pull' is resolved (i.e healing/working through past trauma) then it will literally just circle round and round. I'm speaking from an AP perspective myself, but I guess the simple fact that you want to work through things is the best starting point. For me, I'm throwing myself in to reading books such as Jeb's and some other books on attachment and mindfulness. I google attachment styles daily as well as visiting this forum. I've lost count of the amount of posts I've read, just to get as much insight from all angles. I've started meditating (as above) and I'm starting counselling next week too. If you can, I would try and look at it as a way to work on yourself. If that then has a knock on effect in the future and you are able to rekindle a relationship with your ex then so be it, but by doing what you can to heal and become more secure, you put yourself in a better place for yourself and secondary to that, any future partner. Ahh, thanks for the reply...it is funny, we are at the same place in life! I am doing many of those same things (Read "Attached," googled a ton of articles, trying to start counseling soon...I just got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, just finished a course in transcendental meditation) Yes, everyone says that you need to look at the breakup as an opportunity for self growth, and they are definitely right...but it's hard when you just feel crippled and want to do anything in your power to get your emotional security back. That, I think, just counts toward the fact that you are already on your journey and taking all the right steps to keep moving forward in self growth. I guess some thingd work for one person and maybe not others but it's all about learning isn't it. Good luck with counselling - I'm not sure where you're based but I had a recommendation from someone to check out Counselling Directory and you could even explore whether the company you work for offers any kind of employee assistance programme. It's also really interesting and unites us all, in that despite what all of our differences are in terms of attachment styles, we're all embarking on or travelling through a similar journey making use of the same tools. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 23, 2018 17:17:04 GMT
Ahh, thanks for the reply...it is funny, we are at the same place in life! I am doing many of those same things (Read "Attached," googled a ton of articles, trying to start counseling soon...I just got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, just finished a course in transcendental meditation) Yes, everyone says that you need to look at the breakup as an opportunity for self growth, and they are definitely right...but it's hard when you just feel crippled and want to do anything in your power to get your emotional security back. That, I think, just counts toward the fact that you are already on your journey and taking all the right steps to keep moving forward in self growth. I guess some thingd work for one person and maybe not others but it's all about learning isn't it. Good luck with counselling - I'm not sure where you're based but I had a recommendation from someone to check out Counselling Directory and you could even explore whether the company you work for offers any kind of employee assistance programme. It's also really interesting and unites us all, in that despite what all of our differences are in terms of attachment styles, we're all embarking on or travelling through a similar journey making use of the same tools. Thanks jess92...I'm going to be getting CBT for the Generalized Anxiety at a university that offers reduced rates, unfortunately I have very poor insurance that does not really cover mental health. :/ Curious, what kind of therapy are you getting, or other people? I did intake and they recommended CBT and I asked to work with someone knowledgable in attachment styles, although no guarantee I think as it is a university clinic... |
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Post by notalone on Aug 23, 2018 18:12:47 GMT
- My limited knowledge leads me to believe you may be FA. I'd strongly suggest you take the attachment quiz.
- Substance abuse is serious and dysfunctional. I was addicted to drugs for 21 years, I got clean 3.5 years ago, and I've dated many addicts.
- Insecure attachment is also serious and dysfunctional. I'm AP and have dated various insecurely attached people.
- I know what it feels like to not want to live. I've been suicidal for a lot of my life. I was hospitalized for addiction, depression and for being suicidal when I quit drugs.
Personally I believe the deeply chaotic and painful life I've lived can only be changed by staying away from addiction in myself and anyone I date, healing myself and moving towards a more secure attachment style, and by only dating people who are secure or low in insecurity and aware of and working on their attachment wounds. I believe that if I don't do the work to heal, or if I chose to date someone who is insecurely attached and not working on it, I am choosing sustained pain and dysfunction. As hard as it's been, now that I know about attachment theory, I end things with someone if I learn they have insecure attachment and are not actively working on it. It hurts a lot to leave, but it also hurts very much to stay. The difference is that leaving gives me a chance to be healthier and happier in the future. Staying almost guarantees the dysfunction and pain will continue indefinitely. It's a lot like giving up drugs.
I've also been diagnosed with general anxiety and major depression, and to manage it I keep a strict routine. It may sound boring, but I kid you not, it saved my life. Here it is:
- Sleep: 8 hours per night - Meals: 3 per day - Gym: 2-3 times per week
- Yoga: 1 time per week
- Meditation: 1-3 times per day (using the free and awesome app. Insight Timer)
- See friends: 1-3 times per week
- Medication: 1 time per day (Zoloft)
- Grocery shop & meal perp.: 1 time per week
You asked what kind of therapy people are doing...I'm seeing a Jungian therapist who specializes in trauma. He does talk therapy, EMDR, and somatic therapy, which are all recommended for treating trauma and attachment. I wanted to work with someone specifically trained in attachment as well, and he's not, but I chose to work with him because he was highly recommended by someone I trust, and because of the methods he uses. There are a fair number of average to poor therapists out there, and since one of my top priorities was to find someone highly effective, I really valued the referral. I'm only 2 appointments in and I'm hopeful.
All the best on your journey.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 23, 2018 22:56:10 GMT
- My limited knowledge leads me to believe you may be FA. I'd strongly suggest you take the attachment quiz.
- Substance abuse is serious and dysfunctional. I was addicted to drugs for 21 years, I got clean 3.5 years ago, and I've dated many addicts.
- Insecure attachment is also serious and dysfunctional. I'm AP and have dated various insecurely attached people.
- I know what it feels like to not want to live. I've been suicidal for a lot of my life. I was hospitalized for addiction, depression and for being suicidal when I quit drugs.
Personally I believe the deeply chaotic and painful life I've lived can only be changed by staying away from addiction in myself and anyone I date, healing myself and moving towards a more secure attachment style, and by only dating people who are secure or low in insecurity and aware of and working on their attachment wounds. I believe that if I don't do the work to heal, or if I chose to date someone who is insecurely attached and not working on it, I am choosing sustained pain and dysfunction. As hard as it's been, now that I know about attachment theory, I end things with someone if I learn they have insecure attachment and are not actively working on it. It hurts a lot to leave, but it also hurts very much to stay. The difference is that leaving gives me a chance to be healthier and happier in the future. Staying almost guarantees the dysfunction and pain will continue indefinitely. It's a lot like giving up drugs.
I've also been diagnosed with general anxiety and major depression, and to manage it I keep a strict routine. It may sound boring, but I kid you not, it saved my life. Here it is:
- Sleep: 8 hours per night - Meals: 3 per day - Gym: 2-3 times per week
- Yoga: 1 time per week
- Meditation: 1-3 times per day (using the free and awesome app. Insight Timer)
- See friends: 1-3 times per week
- Medication: 1 time per day (Zoloft)
- Grocery shop & meal perp.: 1 time per week
You asked what kind of therapy people are doing...I'm seeing a Jungian therapist who specializes in trauma. He does talk therapy, EMDR, and somatic therapy, which are all recommended for treating trauma and attachment. I wanted to work with someone specifically trained in attachment as well, and he's not, but I chose to work with him because he was highly recommended by someone I trust, and because of the methods he uses. There are a fair number of average to poor therapists out there, and since one of my top priorities was to find someone highly effective, I really valued the referral. I'm only 2 appointments in and I'm hopeful.
All the best on your journey.
Thank you notalone ! I appreciate the feedback! I think it will be helpful for me! I struggle with routines, but I see that they may be good for me. Sleep is a struggle right now, unfortunately I am getting only a couple hours a night, hopefully with additional meditation I will be able to improve over time... For the exgf, she was not your stereotypical "drunk" or out of control party girl, but she drank heavily alone to cope with pain from her past, and I was worried that it was increasing. I did the test and I ended up testing generally as strongly FA, Secure for friendships and around the middle for romance...although I've gone through such a traumatic period that I do doubt some of my answers. Perhaps I will re-take the test in a couple of days to see if my scores have shifted at all. |
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