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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2018 3:52:26 GMT
Hi @mary I'm curious, how would you distinguish companionship from intimacy? Epic...I can def speak for my DA that sex and emotions were separate. About 6 weeks after break he was willing to see me again but only for a physical relationship. About 2 months after that he began to treat me as a friend with physical. 11 months post break and we were still at that point. He’s afraid to cross that line again. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid to open up. Afraid to trust. Even though he was only seeing me exclusively, it triggered me all over to be only casual with someone I loved. And after the last text I sent him after we were together- I’m sure his logical side decided if casual is too hard for me, as I expressed, than I should end the relationship. He didn’t communicate this verbally but I believe in his silence he was communicating that. it's maddening that DA can be exclusive and casual but it's the real deal and it leads to a lot of hurt. also, casual can seem deeper to a DA than it would to a more emotional type. it's a mess. it's very confusing even for me. i relate to what epicgum said about hiding behind sex but only with one partner. the rest, it was totally separate. i think it's important to remember that DA or AP doesn't dance by itself. two people create a dynamic. a lot of "signs" might be there but if a DA hasn't broken through their own barriers (no one can break through them but DA alone) then the hallmarks of relationship don't mean relationship. it isn't malicious, it's just broken and maladaptive . |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 23, 2018 4:02:54 GMT
Epic...I can def speak for my DA that sex and emotions were separate. About 6 weeks after break he was willing to see me again but only for a physical relationship. About 2 months after that he began to treat me as a friend with physical. 11 months post break and we were still at that point. He’s afraid to cross that line again. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid to open up. Afraid to trust. Even though he was only seeing me exclusively, it triggered me all over to be only casual with someone I loved. And after the last text I sent him after we were together- I’m sure his logical side decided if casual is too hard for me, as I expressed, than I should end the relationship. He didn’t communicate this verbally but I believe in his silence he was communicating that. it's maddening that DA can be exclusive and casual but it's the real deal and it leads to a lot of hurt. also, casual can seem deeper to a DA than it would to a more emotional type. it's a mess. it's very confusing even for me. i relate to what epicgum said about hiding behind sex but only with one partner. the rest, it was totally separate. i think it's important to remember that DA or AP doesn't dance by itself. two people create a dynamic. a lot of "signs" might be there but if a DA hasn't broken through their own barriers (no one can break through them but DA alone) then the hallmarks of relationship don't mean relationship. it isn't malicious, it's just broken and maladaptive . [[ Juniper....I’m thinking allowing me back into his home and spending limited time with me was pushing his trust to the outer limits. I think he only felt safe in us meeting each other’s physical needs and when he texted recently that I met all his needs, he must’ve meant physical bc nothing else makes sense to me. To me, it felt hurtful to only have a sexual connection. I don’t separate sex and feelings well at all and I bond quickly with sex. He was giving me what he could though and I appreciated his loyalty even in our break. At times I miss the physical part a lot but remembering how distant he was last time and how maddening disappointed I was in myself for sending a text later that night- it makes the sex less appealing. But that dance...yeah, it takes two and it’s strong. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2018 4:11:22 GMT
it's maddening that DA can be exclusive and casual but it's the real deal and it leads to a lot of hurt. also, casual can seem deeper to a DA than it would to a more emotional type. it's a mess. it's very confusing even for me. i relate to what epicgum said about hiding behind sex but only with one partner. the rest, it was totally separate. i think it's important to remember that DA or AP doesn't dance by itself. two people create a dynamic. a lot of "signs" might be there but if a DA hasn't broken through their own barriers (no one can break through them but DA alone) then the hallmarks of relationship don't mean relationship. it isn't malicious, it's just broken and maladaptive . [ Juniper....yes, to him allowing me back into his home and spending limited time with me was probably pushing his trust to the outer limits. I think he only felt safe in us meeting each other’s physical needs and when he texted recently I met all his needs, he must’ve meant physical bc nothing else makes sense to me? To me, it felt hurtful to only have a sexual connection. I don’t separate sex and feelings well at all. He was giving me what he could though and I appreciated his loyalty even in our break. not all Da separate sex and emotion. DA are exceptional about deactivating the emotion and maintaining sex. i am not able to separate the two either any more. most DA i know don't totally.... but if they are conflicted and deactivate easily then they can do casual and justify it. that's my take. not universally applied- but i've seen it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 23, 2018 4:17:32 GMT
[ Juniper....yes, to him allowing me back into his home and spending limited time with me was probably pushing his trust to the outer limits. I think he only felt safe in us meeting each other’s physical needs and when he texted recently I met all his needs, he must’ve meant physical bc nothing else makes sense to me? To me, it felt hurtful to only have a sexual connection. I don’t separate sex and feelings well at all. He was giving me what he could though and I appreciated his loyalty even in our break. not all Da separate sex and emotion. DA are exceptional about deactivating the emotion and maintaining sex. i am not able to separate the two either any more. most DA i know don't totally.... but if they are conflicted and deactivate easily then they can do casual and justify it. that's my take. not universally applied- but i've seen it. Hmmm...he seemed pretty good at separating but I guess I only saw what he showed me. I know I was holding back. I miss the physical sometimes but that strong push/pull makes it less appealing. We had not pretty currents underlying the physical |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2018 4:56:59 GMT
not all Da separate sex and emotion. DA are exceptional about deactivating the emotion and maintaining sex. i am not able to separate the two either any more. most DA i know don't totally.... but if they are conflicted and deactivate easily then they can do casual and justify it. that's my take. not universally applied- but i've seen it. Hmmm...he seemed pretty good at separating but I guess I only saw what he showed me. I know I was holding back. I miss the physical sometimes but that strong push/pull makes it less appealing. We had not pretty currents underlying the physical yes, it's best in a situation such as this to let go. it's not good. accepting a loss and healing from the loss is the way to go, in my opinion. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2018 23:27:32 GMT
For me, yes, I would say that sex and emotions are somewhat separate. It's a good point, I can see pursuing such things as sex and companionship would be seen by the other person as pursuit of relationship and intimacy. Hi @mary I'm curious, how would you distinguish companionship from intimacy? A companion would be someone I can do stuff with, have fun times, good conversation, etc but our lives are separate. Intimacy to me, connotes interdependency and closeness. |
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