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Post by ocarina on Aug 22, 2018 19:23:43 GMT
My learning curve from classic avoidant to somewhere vaguely secure ish has encompassed a fair bit of the kind of "how to do relationships" advice. In the internet world it's all out there:
Catch him and keep him!
Why men love bitches!
The rules!
Ad infinitum
This has been, in many ways for me at least a trip up a dead end road - a detour from authenticity and reality and has fostered a number of meaningless relationships based on attracting partners to my false self so to speak.
Now that I have ditched the idea that there's a right or wrong way to do things, life is so much more free and enjoyable. When I felt anxious, I can remember using techniques to keep men interested, I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this?
I am actually finding it difficult to give up on that let him call me first kind of thing - it makes life simple to live by these rules and it also acts as a kind of emotional self protection, avoiding taking too much risk in being really honest and vulnerable. Now I can notice the discomfort around alot of my newly learnt behaviours and self exposure with my (dare I call him....) partner and can call a halt, although it's still difficult to really get out there - particularly when we are communicating non remotely.
I had a message today which had the word love in it multiple times (the love potion hasn't yet worn off!) and yikes - how to reply or respond- it makes me want to hide under the table ( smiling broadly) - maybe I should just tell him that!
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Post by ocarina on Aug 22, 2018 20:51:32 GMT
Reciving love must be the real challenge for all the insecure attatchmentstyles. Your most important key to more love is that dare to reach out for it. The way to more love is to open your heart and dare to show vulnerability. Show that you like everyone else need to love and be loved. All the old rules dident work. So go for it, show him and yourself that you dare! That you are brave! We are all in our own ways trying to avoid love - even if it seems the very thing we most want, the AP style of relating which tends to remain in desperately unloving situations, is just another way of really being unavailable. I've tended towards the DA/FA remaining uninvolved way of being - but in the end the result is the same - more pain, although maybe we avoidants hide it better. Taking risks but having boundaries seems to be at the heart of this - it never hurts to be honest - although the pain of rejection may sting temporarily, it's nothing like as bad as the pain of avoiding rejection by walling yourself off from reality, or clinging to an unobtainable love. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 2:15:07 GMT
i'd like to not be in the dating pool again as long as i live  the best route for me, is a friendship that evolves. i'm not into tactics at all, or strategies. dating just exhausts me. my current situation is fine, may it continue. do you call your guy? i call. see how he's doing, leave a kind message with wishes for a good evening, whatever. i think we are about 50 /50 for initiating contact. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 23, 2018 18:25:46 GMT
it makes me want to hide under the table ( smiling broadly) - maybe I should just tell him that! You should! He knows who you are by now, nothing wrong with saying that you're feeling good about this but also still taking your time to adjust (assuming I'm reading you correctly). In my opinion, the main problem with all that dating rules nonsense is it's about presenting yourself differently than you are and changing habits without addressing what's underneath, packaged as empowerment through boundaries. Except they're not really YOUR boundaries, they're things someone else is telling you to do, and so, yes, inherently inauthentic. You're right to ditch them! |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 23, 2018 18:41:44 GMT
i'd like to not be in the dating pool again as long as i live the best route for me, is a friendship that evolves. i'm not into tactics at all, or strategies. dating just exhausts me. my current situation is fine, may it continue. do you call your guy? i call. see how he's doing, leave a kind message with wishes for a good evening, whatever. i think we are about 50 /50 for initiating contact. I do call sometimes - mainly we text - although we live close by now so text is really just an arrangement to meet or quick message before bed rather than a meaningful conversation. Dating exhausts me too - and yes, it's probably 50/50 contacts - before, it was pretty much all him, I felt paralysed to message in case I got it wrong and felt that leaving him to chase would protect me from being vulnerable to risk of hurt. Infact however it disempowered me and stopped me being real. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 23, 2018 18:50:38 GMT
it makes me want to hide under the table ( smiling broadly) - maybe I should just tell him that! You should! He knows who you are by now, nothing wrong with saying that you're feeling good about this but also still taking your time to adjust (assuming I'm reading you correctly). In my opinion, the main problem with all that dating rules nonsense is it's about presenting yourself differently than you are and changing habits without addressing what's underneath, packaged as empowerment through boundaries. Except they're not really YOUR boundaries, they're things someone else is telling you to do, and so, yes, inherently inauthentic. You're right to ditch them! Yes Alexandra you're absolutely right - it's easy to present a false self so alluring that you're scared ever to be real again. Exhausting and futile. I did tell him btw! I am uncomfortable about coming across as goofy sometimes - being a class perfectionist, but you know - I am geeky and awkward some of the time and embracing that is just fine. I don't want a partner who doesn't accept this in me either, so being real is the only way to go. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 20:33:02 GMT
i'd like to not be in the dating pool again as long as i live the best route for me, is a friendship that evolves. i'm not into tactics at all, or strategies. dating just exhausts me. my current situation is fine, may it continue. do you call your guy? i call. see how he's doing, leave a kind message with wishes for a good evening, whatever. i think we are about 50 /50 for initiating contact. I do call sometimes - mainly we text - although we live close by now so text is really just an arrangement to meet or quick message before bed rather than a meaningful conversation. Dating exhausts me too - and yes, it's probably 50/50 contacts - before, it was pretty much all him, I felt paralysed to message in case I got it wrong and felt that leaving him to chase would protect me from being vulnerable to risk of hurt. Infact however it disempowered me and stopped me being real. i'm always so amazed but happy to see that our processes have been so parallel! that was my discovery also! he loves when i initiate. i hear the happiness in his voice. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 23, 2018 21:45:32 GMT
It's a case of trusting in our own worthiness I think Juniper if that makes any sense. I thought I had to be something to be loved - and that something was perfect, aloof and a pretty effective barrier to real intimacy.
It is amazing how our experiences share so many similarities - almost uncanny! You have led the way for me in many ways and having support in being honest and open has been a real blessing so thank you all.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 22:49:48 GMT
It's a case of trusting in our own worthiness I think Juniper if that makes any sense. I thought I had to be something to be loved - and that something was perfect, aloof and a pretty effective barrier to real intimacy. It is amazing how our experiences share so many similarities - almost uncanny! You have led the way for me in many ways and having support in being honest and open has been a real blessing so thank you all. for me, it was really not a matter of worthiness but fear that i didn't understand the correct way to do this, to respect his time or schedule, to not interfere with his responsibilities. it goes along with just it knowing how to do it, and being accustomed to being low on the totem pole. and never really having experience quite like this- a budding connection that i actually felt vulnerable to and invested in. just no clue. what to do. and uncomfortable with all of it. nervous! awkward. sometimes, it was easier to just say forget it. i've also been accustomed to my wishes for someone else's agenda. i've assumed that my wishes were not so important. conditioning, i really didn't want to be a bother! Now, i realize that the busiest person can make time for a relationship, and they do. we do. Also, earlier on i was more easily triggered to deactivation, before i even knew what was going on. i went along with my own distancing mechanisms without even questioning them. so now, i just make it a point to naturally and spontaneously reach out when i want to and believe it might be a reasonable point of the day for him. it's been about overcoming my own dismissive avoidance. and i am so glad i have! he is too. i had put the whole burden on him to reach out and call. actually yes; the internet told me to lol. but it was another way for me to hide. i am so happy to share this journey with you ocarina, truly. it's been such a blessing to me too. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 24, 2018 5:43:02 GMT
It's a case of trusting in our own worthiness I think Juniper if that makes any sense. I thought I had to be something to be loved - and that something was perfect, aloof and a pretty effective barrier to real intimacy. It is amazing how our experiences share so many similarities - almost uncanny! You have led the way for me in many ways and having support in being honest and open has been a real blessing so thank you all. for me, it was really not a matter of worthiness but fear that i didn't understand the correct way to do this, to respect his time or schedule, to not interfere with his responsibilities. it goes along with just it knowing how to do it, and being accustomed to being low on the totem pole. and never really having experience quite like this- a budding connection that i actually felt vulnerable to and invested in. just no clue. what to do. and uncomfortable with all of it. nervous! awkward. sometimes, it was easier to just say forget it. i've also been accustomed to my wishes for someone else's agenda. i've assumed that my wishes were not so important. conditioning, i really didn't want to be a bother! Now, i realize that the busiest person can make time for a relationship, and they do. we do. Also, earlier on i was more easily triggered to deactivation, before i even knew what was going on. i went along with my own distancing mechanisms without even questioning them. so now, i just make it a point to naturally and spontaneously reach out when i want to and believe it might be a reasonable point of the day for him. it's been about overcoming my own dismissive avoidance. and i am so glad i have! he is too. i had put the whole burden on him to reach out and call. actually yes; the internet told me to lol. but it was another way for me to hide. i am so happy to share this journey with you ocarina , truly. it's been such a blessing to me too. Yes - I could have written this too! For me - the lack of worthiness feeling was beneath the fear of not knowing what to do, of putting someone elses agenda first, of assuming my wishes were not important. So yes, this is all conditioning and lack of experience of closeness, but I believe that beneath this, in my case, was a deep fear of something - hidden in distance and detachment but all the same, there and controlling the show. The fear I think, was of showing all of myself which may be found lacking - and which may also result in the opening of my heart, which released the potential for its breaking. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 11:58:19 GMT
what's been incredible to experience, ocarina, is the complete change between us as our bond deepened and became indispensable to us both. neither are behaving avoidantly haha! it's serene, and life enhancing. in earlier times i would have deactivated with the amount of contact we now share. i love that he called three times yesterday for chats about everything under the sun.  i think he broke our record lol. makes me smile. all the things between us that used to be awkward and unfamiliar have become home sweet home. two dismissives, go figure. very happy. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 24, 2018 17:16:07 GMT
what's been incredible to experience, ocarina , is the complete change between us as our bond deepened and became indispensable to us both. neither are behaving avoidantly haha! it's serene, and life enhancing. in earlier times i would have deactivated with the amount of contact we now share. i love that he called three times yesterday for chats about everything under the sun. i think he broke our record lol. makes me smile. all the things between us that used to be awkward and unfamiliar have become home sweet home. two dismissives, go figure. very happy. That's really lovely Juniper - serene is how I would describe my own current situation - once I stopped trying and allowed life to just flow, it just kind of appeared as a default mode. Lucky us. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 17:25:19 GMT
what's been incredible to experience, ocarina , is the complete change between us as our bond deepened and became indispensable to us both. neither are behaving avoidantly haha! it's serene, and life enhancing. in earlier times i would have deactivated with the amount of contact we now share. i love that he called three times yesterday for chats about everything under the sun. i think he broke our record lol. makes me smile. all the things between us that used to be awkward and unfamiliar have become home sweet home. two dismissives, go figure. very happy. That's really lovely Juniper - serene is how I would describe my own current situation - once I stopped trying and allowed life to just flow, it just kind of appeared as a default mode. Lucky us. yes! we are fortunate. i feel blessed. i built intimacy and chosen relationships over the last few years, which i cherish. i have a whole chosen family of friends. but i could not have imagined that i would find this. i never understood, what it could be like. now i know. it moves me. i think of you, and your long journey here as well. hugs! |
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i think he broke our record lol.