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Post by notalone on Aug 23, 2018 16:13:36 GMT
I want to share this...
Previously I wrote a thread talking about when the guy I just started seeing said he’d call and didn’t. I found out it was because his rehearsal ran late so I decided not to address it further. Well it happened again last night, I started to feel very anxious, and I wanted to say something. I would have preferred to speak about it in person but he lives a bit of a distance away and things are very new with us, so I don’t see him that often, and it was important to me not to wait any longer. So I sent him this text:
“I need you to call me when you say you will. If you can’t call I need you to let me know, a quick message saying you can’t talk. When you say you’ll call and you don’t, I feel crappy and unimportant to you, and that’s not ok with me.”
I was scared I was being too bossy or that he’d take it badly. But he didn’t. He apologized profusely, told me how important I am to him, thanked me, and promised that if he couldn’t call in the future, he’d be sure to message me and let me know. Then we made plans to see each other tomorrow night. Mind. Blown! Holy crap! I said how I felt and what I wanted and needed and he didn’t get angry or run away! What is this world? That’s not to say I’m healed, this was one situation, and I have a lot of work to do, but I think this is a good step.
Once it sank in I started crying. I’m not totally sure why. I think it’s something to do with the contrast between this experience, and most of my past experiences. I’m grateful that this went well, and it’s also painful to see the contrast and just how dysfunctional my past relationships have been. It feels like lost time and opportunities, and I think I’m mourning that. Like when I gave up drugs, I mourned the time I lost to them. It’s similar. I think it’s important to make room for all the feelings I’m having right now…the grief, the sadness, the joy, the pride and the hope.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 23, 2018 16:25:38 GMT
I wanted to share this... Previously I wrote a thread talking about when the guy I just started seeing said he’d call and didn’t. I found out it was because his rehearsal ran late so I decided not to address it further. Well it happened again last night, I started to feel very anxious, and I wanted to say something. I would have preferred to speak about it in person but he lives a bit of a distance away and things are very new with us, so I don’t see him that often, and it was important to me not to wait any longer. So I sent him this text: “I need you to call me when you say you will. If you can’t call I need you to let me know, a quick message saying you can’t talk. When you say you’ll call and you don’t, I feel crappy and unimportant to you, and that’s not ok with me.” I was scared I was being too bossy or that he’d take it badly. But he didn’t. He apologized profusely, told me how important I am to him, thanked me, and promised that if he couldn’t call in the future, he’d be sure to message me and let me know. Then we made plans to see each other tomorrow night. Mind. Blown! Holy crap! I said how I felt and what I wanted and needed and he didn’t get angry or run away! What is this world? That’s not to say I’m healed, this was one situation, and I have a lot of work to do, but I think this is a good step. Once it sank in I started crying. I’m not totally sure why. I think it’s something to do with the contrast between this experience, and most of my past experiences. I’m grateful that this went well, and it’s also painful to see the contrast and just how dysfunctional my past relationships have been. It feels like lost time and opportunities, and I think I’m mourning that. Like when I gave up drugs, I mourned the time I lost to them. It’s similar. I think it’s important to make room for all the feelings I’m having right now…the grief, the sadness, the joy, the pride and the hope. A very good step in the right direction! I understand your feeling a lot  I used to back away and not talk about my needs while ago, either with friends, family or relationships. Being able to remember how to be more secure when speaking about my feelings and seeing there's nothing to worry about it's... confusing, joyful, stressful. I remember when I opened up the first time after years and years of just 'dealing with my own stuff'... I needed help, and I got help and emotional support and I was so overwhelmed. I was like, 'God, it really is this easy to trust people and ask for help?'. I'm very glad you've found a nice chap that understands you and treats you well best of luck with him! |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 23, 2018 17:54:28 GMT
I’m grateful that this went well, and it’s also painful to see the contrast and just how dysfunctional my past relationships have been. It feels like lost time and opportunities, and I think I’m mourning that. I completely relate to this right now, and it's confusing. I'm sorting through if I'm sad or angry or neutral, I can't even tell. My mindset has changed so much this summer that I can't believe what I'd been accepting in my romantic relationships not just the last 2 years but the last 20. And I don't know how to feel about it exactly because there's no way to assess "fault"... it happened as it did, and I've been lucky enough to work my way out of it. I'm going on a date tomorrow, and it's going to be interesting to see how I feel about that with all the secure shifts. I still don't know how I'll actually respond if I find a secure partner! But I imagine it will be much less chaotic. I hope things continue to go smoothly with your new person! |
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Post by notalone on Aug 23, 2018 18:37:42 GMT
I’m grateful that this went well, and it’s also painful to see the contrast and just how dysfunctional my past relationships have been. It feels like lost time and opportunities, and I think I’m mourning that. I completely relate to this right now, and it's confusing. I'm sorting through if I'm sad or angry or neutral, I can't even tell. My mindset has changed so much this summer that I can't believe what I'd been accepting in my romantic relationships not just the last 2 years but the last 20. And I don't know how to feel about it exactly because there's no way to assess "fault"... it happened as it did, and I've been lucky enough to work my way out of it. I'm going on a date tomorrow, and it's going to be interesting to see how I feel about that with all the secure shifts. I still don't know how I'll actually respond if I find a secure partner! But I imagine it will be much less chaotic. I hope things continue to go smoothly with your new person! I hear you! I think I had a few secure relationships when things were going better in my life, but for the most part the last 27 years have been insecure and dysfunctional. I agree, I don't think there's fault, just dysfunction and lack of awareness. I'm feeling all the feelings...sad and angry for the pain, grateful for the awareness...it's a mixed bag. My guy is still so new and I'm not sure what his attachment style is, but I'm rooting for secure! I was so scared I wouldn't be attracted to someone secure. Everything I've read says to give it a chance, go on a few dates before you make a call, and be prepared for the spark to happen more slowly and be more gentle rather than quickly and super intense. I was afraid that would mean less fun, less passion, less good, but I'm starting to think I'm wrong. I've been dating this guy for a few months now and I'm just starting to get kinda excited about him. I think it's just different. And I'm good with different, because no amount of intensity and passion make the relationships I've been having worth it! Good luck with your new person too! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 21:10:52 GMT
I want to share this... Previously I wrote a thread talking about when the guy I just started seeing said he’d call and didn’t. I found out it was because his rehearsal ran late so I decided not to address it further. Well it happened again last night, I started to feel very anxious, and I wanted to say something. I would have preferred to speak about it in person but he lives a bit of a distance away and things are very new with us, so I don’t see him that often, and it was important to me not to wait any longer. So I sent him this text: “I need you to call me when you say you will. If you can’t call I need you to let me know, a quick message saying you can’t talk. When you say you’ll call and you don’t, I feel crappy and unimportant to you, and that’s not ok with me.” I was scared I was being too bossy or that he’d take it badly. But he didn’t. He apologized profusely, told me how important I am to him, thanked me, and promised that if he couldn’t call in the future, he’d be sure to message me and let me know. Then we made plans to see each other tomorrow night. Mind. Blown! Holy crap! I said how I felt and what I wanted and needed and he didn’t get angry or run away! What is this world? That’s not to say I’m healed, this was one situation, and I have a lot of work to do, but I think this is a good step. Once it sank in I started crying. I’m not totally sure why. I think it’s something to do with the contrast between this experience, and most of my past experiences. I’m grateful that this went well, and it’s also painful to see the contrast and just how dysfunctional my past relationships have been. It feels like lost time and opportunities, and I think I’m mourning that. Like when I gave up drugs, I mourned the time I lost to them. It’s similar. I think it’s important to make room for all the feelings I’m having right now…the grief, the sadness, the joy, the pride and the hope. i felt the same time my partner took my hand and meant it. i totally get this. feel it all, it's healing. |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 25, 2018 9:20:11 GMT
I'm very happy for you, notalone! This must be quite a change to be treated this way! First it requires a lot of courage for people like us to actually state our needs and fight the fear. And even when we manage to do that (like how I did in my recent story), there is no guarantee that we will be met with understanding when we state those needs. So both are required in order to have a healthy relationship with someone. The third step is probably accepting that someone who reacts positively to your needs actually means it. Not always easy either, as we are so conditioned to fear that the connection we have with someone will disppear. It sounds like you're doing some great work on the first and third step! (step to, meeting someone who can respond to your needs, has more to be do with luck, I imagine). Good luck to you and alexandra! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 25, 2018 23:53:06 GMT
Nice! I hope things continue going well for you. That's great you asked for what you wanted and he responded in that way.
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I used to back away and not talk about my needs while ago, either with friends, family or relationships. Being able to remember how to be more secure when speaking about my feelings and seeing there's nothing to worry about it's... confusing, joyful, stressful. I remember when I opened up the first time after years and years of just 'dealing with my own stuff'... I needed help, and I got help and emotional support and I was so overwhelmed. I was like, 'God, it really is this easy to trust people and ask for help?'. I'm very glad you've found a nice chap that understands you and treats you well 
