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Post by stayhappy on Aug 25, 2018 11:06:34 GMT
”It is important to note that people with anxious attachment style and people with dismissive-avoidant attachment style can show traits of the opposite insecure attachment style that may cause them to believe they are fearful-avoidant. For example, Ben's mother was very smothering in childhood but his father would alternate between giving him attention and being completely dismissive during periods of time when he was under high pressure at work. Ben scores highly on the dismissive-avoidance scale as the relationship with his mother was most influential to him. However, he does also have some anxious characteristics that he developed from his father's behavior towards him. He is mostly attracted towards anxious women therefore he stays in his dismissive-avoidant attachment style for the majority of the time. Occasionally he meets a women he is attracted to who is more dismissive-avoidant than him, which polarizes him over to his anxious side. He then finds himself using some anxious attachment behaviors to try and get her attention. It does not mean that he has the fearful-avoidant attachment style. Fear was not an emotion that he experienced during childhood much, the negative emotions he mostly felt where feeling suffocated, annoyed or rejected. People with fearful-avoidant attachment display much more unpredictable behavior.” www.google.se/amp/s/www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/Attachment-Styles-In-Adults/The-Fearful-Avoidant-Attachment-Style%3f_amp_Sometimes I read about people who think they are DA or AP but later they think they are FA. I get a little confuse about this so I found this link and I thought it was interesting. From what I have been reading FA attachment style is the most uncommon so I think this link makes sense. Someone else who gets confuse about recognizing attachment style sometimes? |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2018 15:50:04 GMT
Thanks for posting this.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 25, 2018 20:41:41 GMT
I can relate to this - when I first posted here, having separated recently from a highly avoidant long term partner, I was, in that relationship, a classic FA. In past relationships I was DA but it would depend on how invested I was in the relationship - has soon as I felt in danger of becoming really emotionally intimate, I would become fearful and withdraw but the majority of the time I either chose partners I was not particularly interested in, or kept them at arms length so never had to get too close.
Fast forward a year or so and I feel pretty much secure the majority of the time - in relationship perhaps oscillating between DA/FA at times but able to observe my past conditioning and get back on track so to speak.
Different people trigger different responses in us dependent on our history - which is one reason why I am not sure it's always very helpful to characterise a person by their attachment style - yes we have habitual behaviour patterns but these are behaviours and are situational rather than hard wired. Nowadays I would rather not be defined but instead recognise patterns and take note of them without judgement.
This is one reason why I think it's highly undesirable to diagnose other people - nobody knows what's going on in someone elses head and most importantly, we all see the world through the clouded judgement of our own wounds and experiences - however objective we would like to think we are, we view life through our own lens and are best off dealing with our own side of the fence rather than attempting to fix other peoples.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 22:49:37 GMT
I can relate to this - when I first posted here, having separated recently from a highly avoidant long term partner, I was, in that relationship, a classic FA. In past relationships I was DA but it would depend on how invested I was in the relationship - has soon as I felt in danger of becoming really emotionally intimate, I would become fearful and withdraw but the majority of the time I either chose partners I was not particularly interested in, or kept them at arms length so never had to get too close. Fast forward a year or so and I feel pretty much secure the majority of the time - in relationship perhaps oscillating between DA/FA at times but able to observe my past conditioning and get back on track so to speak. Different people trigger different responses in us dependent on our history - which is one reason why I am not sure it's always very helpful to characterise a person by their attachment style - yes we have habitual behaviour patterns but these are behaviours and are situational rather than hard wired. Nowadays I would rather not be defined but instead recognise patterns and take note of them without judgement. This is one reason why I think it's highly undesirable to diagnose other people - nobody knows what's going on in someone elses head and most importantly, we all see the world through the clouded judgement of our own wounds and experiences - however objective we would like to think we are, we view life through our own lens and are best off dealing with our own side of the fence rather than attempting to fix other peoples. I really like your thoughts on this. I get this and I actually feel they're tendencies/actions that depend a lot on circumstances. That's why I try to say 'he/she's acting anxious/avoidant/secure. It is not a disorder. That's why it can change. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 26, 2018 0:09:09 GMT
Wow this is so great to read! I was actually pondering this topic this morning and wondering how to make sense of the way my attachment style can be so different in regards to person A compared to person B and yet I don't think I'm FA.... I'm glad there are published works that recognize this dynamic. I totally live it out. I wish more of the published works would recognize this human complexity.
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