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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2018 20:39:59 GMT
Oh..I see...I don't think my mom is a narc....my dad was. Â My mom just did not know how to handle her overly emotional daughter. Â I'm sure you've discussed this in therapy before, but it doesn't matter specifically who the narcissist was as much as that there was one prominently in your young life. There's a lot that negatively gets wrapped up into the whole family when that happens, and it's not uncommon for kids to either end up as adults with no self esteem or end up as narcissists themselves. At least the children who don't develop personality disorders have a much better chance of healing! Here's an article that discusses some of the impacts having a narcissistic parent can have on their children. And I hope I'm not overstepping, because I know that people deal with issues as they are ready to, and you are where you are in your process. It's just something I've been in a position to observe closely in my own life, and it can be very difficult to see and moreso to unravel... so my point is still, be patient with yourself and whatever speed you're moving. It's really, really difficult to work through, but eventually gets easier if you're digging away at core issues vs periphery symptoms. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201609/8-common-long-lasting-effects-narcissistic-parentingHave you been working through any self esteem building tools with your therapist? I also think that's a key building block to making progress. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2018 20:46:10 GMT
I'm also going to back off this topic. I'm trying to leave you with food for thought, not push anything, and I feel like I'm pushing a bit. But you still have my support as you're going through a tough time  |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 27, 2018 8:25:38 GMT
The thing that goldilocks pointed out might help you. About you being the One for yourself. It's like dating yourself. Doing things you'd like to do with a partner by yourself. Other thing that may help is that some say creating a narrative of your life and experiences can be healthy, but only if it is made in a redemptive way. That way you don't keep going on circles but you can focus on something more possitive. I don't know if this might help. I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of understanding in these things but I wish you well. Take care! |
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Post by notalone on Aug 27, 2018 17:26:35 GMT
I understand how hard it can be to feel and think these kinds of things. I've been there/done that a lot. My brain still has thoughts about the last guy I dated and then I feel anxious and sad. But it's much more manageable now. Tara Brach, and my therapist, both talk about the idea that the more we think about something the stronger/more frequent the thoughts. It's like a groove in the snow, the more times we go over it the deeper the groove, and the easier it is to go down the path. So now, when the last guy I dated comes to mind, I tell myself "nope" and focus on something else. The trick is really focusing on something else. Just trying to stop the thought isn't enough. I have to replace it with something...an activity, a conversation with someone about something else, a podcast, a book, anything. The thoughts come back, but I just keep doing it over and over, and slowly it becomes less frequent and less distressing. I've recently realized that it's important to catch the thoughts and redirect myself asap. As soon as I notice myself going down the rumination road, I turn my mind. Often I go to the gym, or go take a walk by the lake. If I get to the point that I'm teary, it's a lot harder to pull myself out of it and I can get to a much worse place.
Big hugs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 19:26:00 GMT
tnr9 - hugs x
I know too well the wishful thinking of an AP and how difficult it can be to move on ... until the next one (whenever that is).
juniper made a very good point:
"but usually, the one with the smaller investment KNOWS they are making a smaller investment, and risking little to nothing, when they are watching someone else make a large investment!"
It's usually very, very rare for the AP to make the smaller investment ...
Until you let the past sink in, see the reality of it and get really angry about it - in a healthy way.
Healthy anger stops the fantasy / wishful thinking and creates energy to move forward.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 28, 2018 12:15:03 GMT
Thank you all so much...there is a path forward...I just have to continue to move towards it. 🙂
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2018 13:38:25 GMT
Thank you all so much...there is a path forward...I just have to continue to move towards it. 🙂 😊 |
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joan
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Post by joan on Sept 3, 2018 2:14:16 GMT
Thank you all so much..just so it is clear...I am 10 years older then B...he knew this the entire relationship but the night he broke up with me he cited that as one of the reasons. I will add that the reasons have evolved....it was at first that he knew I wasn't "the one", then it was the age difference/being more into him then he was into me, then it was he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy (ouch!). In the end, I just wanted it to be something fixable..which an age difference is not..and that is why I keep glossing over it. I think this is just an example of his practical need being overwritten by my emotional need. And even though it is not personal...man, I certainly have made it so today. And since I am in that "everything about him is personal" space...I got even more weepy seeing that he liked 3 posts from a mutual friend...as if there is some secret meaning behind likes. I knew I needed to be around other people and I went to a friend's cook out and had a great time. It was a lovely distraction with people who care about me. Then I rented a movie and just chilled for a bit. What you had with B is so similar to my situation, it's scary. The DA I'm currently seeing is also ten years younger then me. He won't call me his girlfriend, he claims he's too overwhelmed with taking care of his father with dementia, working from home and all of his other obligations. He says a girlfriend is not something he can make a priority. Yet he treats me as a girlfriend. Deep down I often wonder if it's the age difference that keeps him from committing to me and he's really just looking for a cuddle buddy too. Unlike B who finally admitted that to you, I feel the guy I'm with won't admit that to me. The suspicion that he feels the same way as B is really hard to come to terms with and I can feel your pain. The fact that he gave you hope that there was something more there between you two, and it went beyond a cuddle buddy situation is hard to reconcile. You see all the affectionate, caring behaviors that you wouldn't be able to give to someone you only had mild feelings for and don't understand how he could do that. Man/woman thing or AP/DA thing? I don't know. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 3, 2018 16:15:36 GMT
I think in the end...whatever it boils down to...these men are not all in with us. It does not make them bad men, it makes them bad fits. B did call me his girlfriend, so thete is a difference there....but if this guy you are seeing can only fit you in as an addition to an already busy life...then no wonder your AP is going crazy. That is not enough for you...it is trying to make a snack into a meal.
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Post by epicgum on Sept 3, 2018 16:26:04 GMT
I get that Juniper, I do. I know he has moved on..I know I have not. The tendency I have is to fixate on an old partner or move that to a new one. I was without a partner for 6 years and felt I had made tremendous strides and then the whole thing with (the guy you don't want to hear about) and I found myself back almost at square one. I have been in therapy for decades....so although therapy has it's place, it is not a miracle cure. Perhaps the best answer is to take this (meaning my process) off the boards....because my timeline just is not the same as others. I know you mean well and respect your say it like it is approach. I also just started on the medication and am hopeful that that will assist as well. As the thread title says - old habits die hard. There's no meaning to your ruminations and getting caught in the thoughts is nothing more than your neural pathways which are entrenched, playing out their thing. The danger with this board - and any kind of repetitive cycling through thoughts, is that in some cases it seems to further cement the loop if you see what I mean - your process here has been about this relationship (or its aftermath) and the continued discussion is still all about that process and I just wonder if that's not being helpful for you? Acknowledging feelings to yourself without giving them meaning and then sitting in that lonely place of pain, is where the route to freedom lies. Of course I can't say if this applies to you, but I think the kind of circling around experience that journalling can encourage, actually avoids having to live the experience fully if that makes any sense? Of course we are all very much here to listen. Yeah, I worry that I am doing this too...circling/fantasizing/ruminating prevents living in the present. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Sept 3, 2018 18:10:27 GMT
I think in the end...whatever it boils down to...these men are not all in with us. It does not make them bad men, it makes them bad fits. B did call me his girlfriend, so thete is a difference there....but if this guy you are seeing can only fit you in as an addition to an already busy life...then no wonder your AP is going crazy. That is not enough for you...it is trying to make a snack into a meal. You really nailed that one...I am trying to make a snack into a meal and that's why I'm always feeling so starved. Every part of me knows leaving is the only path to eventually feeling better, and being open to a relationship that will fill me up. I convince myself to accept what he gives me, that it's what I want or need. I tell myself I'm too dependent on relationships so it's good for me to be with someone who teaches me how to be alone more. I manage down my expectations for sure. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 3, 2018 18:46:38 GMT
joan..i think that is how a lot of insecure to insecure pairings end up...both parties hoping for something the other one cannot give them. I think it is imprtant to recognise that the dynamic does not work...it isn't anything about you or about him..it is the two of you together. I have not become more secureby beong woth someone on the opposite side...if anything...it just keeps old stories looping.
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joan
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Post by joan on Sept 4, 2018 3:23:34 GMT
joan ..i think that is how a lot of insecure to insecure pairings end up...both parties hoping for something the other one cannot give them. I think it is imprtant to recognise that the dynamic does not work...it isn't anything about you or about him..it is the two of you together. I have not become more secureby beong woth someone on the opposite side...if anything...it just keeps old stories looping. Yeah I agree, it reinforces the negative belief system we have for sure. I don't fault him for being the way that he is. If anything I try to mold myself into being more compatible with him by keeping my distance, and not asking for much. Of course I silently suffer, so I know going against my needs doesn't work either. I realize in our case the best thing to do is cut my losses and move on. I was married to a secure man and I felt a sense of peace within that relationship. Now I'm hoping to find that sense of peace on my own. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Sept 4, 2018 3:30:27 GMT
The thing that goldilocks pointed out might help you. About you being the One for yourself. It's like dating yourself. Doing things you'd like to do with a partner by yourself. Other thing that may help is that some say creating a narrative of your life and experiences can be healthy, but only if it is made in a redemptive way. That way you don't keep going on circles but you can focus on something more possitive. I don't know if this might help. I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of understanding in these things but I wish you well. Take care! I fully agree with you lilyg. I did just that today. I didn't go out by myself, but I went with a friend to try out a new restaurant, went to the bookstore, and ran some errands. Things I usually like to do with a partner. I found it enjoyable and relaxing even if it was not with a romantic partner. I'm still trying to grasp the concept of meeting my own needs instead of looking to a partner to meet them. I get what you're saying though and it's very true. |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 4, 2018 8:32:13 GMT
The thing that goldilocks pointed out might help you. About you being the One for yourself. It's like dating yourself. Doing things you'd like to do with a partner by yourself. Other thing that may help is that some say creating a narrative of your life and experiences can be healthy, but only if it is made in a redemptive way. That way you don't keep going on circles but you can focus on something more possitive. I don't know if this might help. I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of understanding in these things but I wish you well. Take care! I fully agree with you lilyg. I did just that today. I didn't go out by myself, but I went with a friend to try out a new restaurant, went to the bookstore, and ran some errands. Things I usually like to do with a partner. I found it enjoyable and relaxing even if it was not with a romantic partner. I'm still trying to grasp the concept of meeting my own needs instead of looking to a partner to meet them. I get what you're saying though and it's very true. Girlfriend time is amazing, isn't it? I'm very glad! |
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