|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2018 16:28:01 GMT
As I learn about attachment theory and how people with different attachments view things...I am finding it hard not to get all caught up in wishful thinking. I struggle so much with feelings that if I only knew the what I know now, B and I would have lasted. Moving forward and seeing things as they are has been a real challange. I don't want to let go so I cloud anything he could have done differently under the pretense that that was all he could offer...and that somehow I was the selfish one for having emotional needs and not seeing his practical needs clearly. I had such a good week away last week...yes, I had some struggles but I feel flooded right now since I am back home.
I know I will get through this, but am just owning that today is rather weepy.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 16:35:59 GMT
go back to the clear reasons he gave you.
attachment therory doesn't change it.
stay in reality for your own sake.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2018 16:40:39 GMT
It takes two. If you're the only one doing both your work and trying to understand and accommodate him but he's not addressing his own issues while also having the same curiosity about you and what you need, it doesn't matter. Eventually you'll cycle back to wherever the friction still is because it's the pattern he is stuck in.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2018 16:48:40 GMT
BTW, I have to remind myself of that not infrequently, after living through the scenario and discovering how true it is. That doesn't mean I don't want things to be different, but I've truly done my best and still ended up back where we started. So it's time to try something totally different and move on (in my case).
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 16:58:48 GMT
i'm going to keep reminding that B had an issue with a difference between you two that had nothing to do with issues or flaws, character, or wounding.
it's a common thing, and one that people have strong preferences about.
you shared it with me, and to keep ignoring it in favor of an internal self defeating narrative is DRAMA.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2018 17:07:00 GMT
That's true, too. I don't know what the reasons were in your situation, and was speaking from the perspective of them heavily skewing mutual insecure attachment.
|
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 17:29:33 GMT
Ohh, I don't know what happened between you an B, but I can understand the feel of wanting to do things better or to feel that I didn't do enough. It's very normal and we all, avoidants, secures, anxious, feel when we break up with somebody, even when somebody we love dies, when we lose a job, etc. Have you read about the stages of grief?
We cannot control everything, not even when we know a lot of things. And you have needs and you're human, a very kind and sensible one (thank you so much for your message in my thread). We are all 'selfish' in our own ways and that's ok. If you don't place your core needs upfront you end up in a miserable, codependent relationship. Be strong and kind to yourself.
You'll find someone who will love to love you, and all this that you've understood will help you to be in an amazing relationship with that person.
Lots of hugs!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 18:07:40 GMT
hugs tnr9but don't throw yourself under the bus, there is something better you can do for yourself today. you don't need to massacre yourself anymore. there are better things to move on to. 🌸 |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Aug 26, 2018 0:00:41 GMT
(hugs) I know what you mean. Sometimes I mourn that too-- why couldn't I have known 10 or 20 years ago what I know now? I so would not have said/done X,Y and Z and would have instead said/done A, B,C...
At the same time, I try to be gentle with myself at recognizing I did the best I could at the time. Also that I may be naive in thinking that "knowing" about attachment theory would somehow mean we wouldn't get triggered in all the same ways. Maybe we would have been able to do things differently enough to turn some tide, maintain some relationship, etc., but the other person/people are also who they are and maybe it wouldn't have radically changed the overall outcome.
And as hard as it is to sometimes accept the reality of the situation, perhaps it's part of the journey that deep pain has to come before great progress. It'd be nice if things could have been different, but given as how we can't change the past, we can still believe in our own future.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 3:51:17 GMT
Thank you all so much..just so it is clear...I am 10 years older then B...he knew this the entire relationship but the night he broke up with me he cited that as one of the reasons. I will add that the reasons have evolved....it was at first that he knew I wasn't "the one", then it was the age difference/being more into him then he was into me, then it was he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy (ouch!). In the end, I just wanted it to be something fixable..which an age difference is not..and that is why I keep glossing over it. I think this is just an example of his practical need being overwritten by my emotional need. And even though it is not personal...man, I certainly have made it so today. And since I am in that "everything about him is personal" space...I got even more weepy seeing that he liked 3 posts from a mutual friend...as if there is some secret meaning behind likes.
I knew I needed to be around other people and I went to a friend's cook out and had a great time. It was a lovely distraction with people who care about me. Then I rented a movie and just chilled for a bit.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 3:53:26 GMT
hugs tnr9 but don't throw yourself under the bus, there is something better you can do for yourself today. you don't need to massacre yourself anymore. there are better things to move on to. 🌸 Thanks Juniper...I appreciate the encouragement. 💕 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 4:34:52 GMT
hugs tnr9 but don't throw yourself under the bus, there is something better you can do for yourself today. you don't need to massacre yourself anymore. there are better things to move on to. 🌸 Thanks Juniper...I appreciate the encouragement.  💕 you betcha! when someone is looking for casual, they will sometimes choose a person with an age or lifestyle difference- someone they know is outside of their relationship parameters. They may or may not be clear about their intentions from the beginning. If someone catches feels, they have a safe out- they already have a reason in mind that you're not the one, and in fact, that's why they chose you. it's a selfish game, especially if they are ambiguous or lead the other party on. i am so sorry this happened to you- please understand, you didn't fail the relationship. you may have developed expectations that were not consistent with his reality, and he may well have been aware of this and went along with it because it feels nice to be adored- but this isn't about anything you did to render the relationship unworkable. it worked for what he wanted. temporary. i'm sure it gutted you to hear those things he said. it's been so hard to let go, but please know that your future can be brighter, you can move forward with what you have learned (and you have learned a lot, even if it doesn't feel like it) and choose a partner who is choosing YOU. let this guy go. he's not the one for you, your man will do right by you. the longer you spend circling around this man who isn't available , the longer you deny yourself a relationship that honors your dignity and your worth. Just because someone treats us poorly doesn't mean we can't shake it off and move on. there isn't anything more you need to do with him. he isn't worth the time, if for no other reason than he isn't on the same page. nothing can be done. but you have a life ahead of you without him. he isn't worthy of all your care, but you are. |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 26, 2018 7:17:03 GMT
Thank you all so much..just so it is clear...I am 10 years older then B...he knew this the entire relationship but the night he broke up with me he cited that as one of the reasons. I will add that the reasons have evolved....it was at first that he knew I wasn't "the one", then it was the age difference/being more into him then he was into me, then it was he was just lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy (ouch!). In the end, I just wanted it to be something fixable..which an age difference is not..and that is why I keep glossing over it. I think this is just an example of his practical need being overwritten by my emotional need. And even though it is not personal...man, I certainly have made it so today. And since I am in that "everything about him is personal" space...I got even more weepy seeing that he liked 3 posts from a mutual friend...as if there is some secret meaning behind likes. I knew I needed to be around other people and I went to a friend's cook out and had a great time. It was a lovely distraction with people who care about me. Then I rented a movie and just chilled for a bit. . Seems like a fun and delicious saturday  I'm so sorry, these things are sometimes hard. I know you care about him, but try to remember this when you're beating yourself up. It was not you. What has served for me to calm down after breakups is to remember that I cry because 'I discovered that he was not a person for me. I have yet to find him.' It's not personal, it's not your fault. Take him as a messanger you needed for getting closer to yourself, for working on you and understanding yourself better. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 10:37:00 GMT
Thanks lilyg and juniper....it has truly hurt like heck and I feel at times like a deer standing in the headlights of wanting to still be his cheerleader/not let him down/be his friend but then knowing I still have desires for him/I still swirl in unmet expectations/everything feels so personal. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I really appreciate that both of you acknowledge that there is not anything I could have done....that is something that I wrestle with pretty frequently these days. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 12:05:45 GMT
nope, you really couldn't have done anything to change his emotional availability. but- you have to do something to change yours. to be frank, a very long period of time has passed since he broke up with you, over a year. Is it almost a year and a half? i respect that you have your process, and it takes what it takes. i just want to keep it real with you that he WILL most likely be moving on with another woman, at some point, if he hasn't already. you really don't know, you only know what you try to scope out. but, it's pretty likely that he will become involved again whether casually or seriously. Will you move on though? What are you doing to really move on? What are you doing to stay stuck on a man who isn't stuck on you? I would think that at some point you need to realize that whatever you're doing or not doing to heal and move on isn't working and you might need to choose differently. I myself don't feel inclined to have further interaction with you about B because B isn't your problem- your thinking is your problem. I say that with a good intention toward you, realizing what you do isn't my business but how i interact with you is. The relationship is over, and has been a long time. He made it clear. You need to respect that and perhaps figure out if there is something more to your hangup than an anxious preoccupied attachment style. Perhaps a therapist could give you objective guidance. What you need, is objectivity. Your subjective view has you squarely in the middle of a situation where you have no control but constantly believe you do. You've made everything he has done about you. You obsess about what you did or didn't do, that contributed to the end of this casual fling. That's what he has admitted it was. Acceptance means, you stop mind-fucking it and face the reality. He wasn't available for the relationship you wanted, because that's not what he wanted. End Of. people have their own agendas! I'm telling you this because i hope you will find freedom, and fast. You've wasted so much time circling around him and really, you're not coming to any new and meaningful conclusions. What you read here turns into fuel for your flawed thinking instead of fuel for your liberation- as evidenced by your reaction to the post yesterday- you take everything you see to go chew on it and turn it into a way to beat yourself up about why he didn't want a relationship with you. this is incredibly self destructive! and, it's down to you, what you are going to do about what you CAN and must take responsibility for- You. if you can't turn away from him and move on, there is a world of hurt waiting for you if you see him with someone else. Wouldnt YOU rather be moving on to someone else, someone who wants to build the relationship you want? Mix it up girl, the current situation is not serving you. 🌸 |
|
