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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 15:11:35 GMT
i'm just curious, about how many of us have experience caring for infants, and experiencing the tenderness and deep connection of the eye gaze.
The corrective exercises for our attachment injuries involve healing the injury inflicted by our vulnerable gaze not being met with tenderness, empathy, love, connection, and care.
I have had four infants of my own, and i have two grandbabies i have cared for since infancy.
This morning, as always, my beautiful little innocent grand daughter greeted me with a smile, her eyes searching mine for a reflection of love. When she smiles at me and looks deeply into my eyes, i feel profound happiness and love. It's an exchange, and she can hold that gaze for a very long time. It is clear to see that it makes her feel calm and safe and happy to share that eye contact with me, it's as powerful or even more powerful than touch.
If i leave her sight, she becomes distressed, and starts to cry, and is looking, looking, searching for me, she needs reassurance that i will come back. He face becomes so worried, so scared. She is so tender and vulnerable, she truly needs me to survive, and to be safe and loved!
It's just such a profound experience to have awareness of attachment theory while taking care of her.
It is profoundly sad, to think of her searching for me and not finding me. It's profoundly sad to think of her looking at me, and me not looking back, or looking at her with indifference or annoyance.
Yet, this is what happened to us.
I hope everyone can reflect on what really happened to us all, and what it really takes to heal. I particularly want people to understand that it isn't only AP who were deeply wounded by not finding the eyes of their caregivers. It happened to us avoidants also, to the point we literally gave up searching.
it's very, very deep. and sad. but there is hope!
i'm just reflecting on what really happened.
i take that understanding with me when i read the exercises here that involve eye gazing, and it's almost too powerful to endure, the emotions it brings up for me.
i'm not always aware of my pain, but when i am it's hard to sit still for. but i do, and i am.
sitting still with it.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 27, 2018 18:55:48 GMT
I have six children - all with the same partner (ex husband) and, if I am totally honest, I wish I had known more about attachment theory when they were tiny. I was brought up by an incredibly damaged, distant and volatile mother and suspect had zero nurturing full stop. The great thing is, that whilst I was not the perfect nurturing parent when they were tiny, I was aware that I didn't want to follow my mothers example and I was physically close to them. They range now from 10 to 21 and we are all very very close - they come to me with open ness when they have problems in a way that I never would with my own mother, I now am more aware and make time for them with real presence even when, as you said Juniper, it's difficult to do so.
With so many children, it was difficult to be emotionally there for them when they were tiny - at least not all the time, and I am sad for that, but as I have evolved and gained peace within myself, our relationships have really strengthened and I am pretty sure that less that perfect, but with the right intention, was fine. Interestingly, the three older ones are all in long term relationships that seem healthy and secure with partners who are kind and treat them well.
Hard to be there for others when you aren't there for yourself - that was my own mothers plight sadly.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 19:13:06 GMT
ocarina, i have a wonderful relationship with my children also, and it's emotionally safe and available for all of us, now. We've been able to heal and grow a lot together and for that i am so thankful! I remember difficulty being present with my children when i was less aware, before healing my deep wounds- but i also know that the quality of our relationships has been much more than my mother was able to provide from me, due to her own trauma i don't resent her, i understand it, there was much intergenerational wounding in my family. i'm just struck by the power of the infant -caregiver bond as i experience with my grandbabies. it really is special to be able to care for and nurture them without the pressure and stress that's inherent in the parenting role. I couldn't have imagined it, before i experienced it. It really is a deep experience.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 27, 2018 22:06:56 GMT
The eye gazing - I find it incredibly difficult to receive the loving eyes of another, to be really seen - although I don't find it difficult to do this myself.
I practiced this exercise with my partner regularly in the past - it was truly amazing to experience and to sit peacefully with my feelings of squriming and wanting to dip from his gaze. It deepened our relationship immensely but also left me truly vulnerable - when our relationship ended, I couldn't quite believe that something which had seemed so intensely real for both of us had just evaporated when I plucked up the courage to speak my real truth. It was truly frightening for me and led me to mistrust my judgement.
Fortunately since then as a result of his courage and honesty, I have come to learn the the connection was real and there for both of us - and was enduring, but it did remind me that as infants and as adults, asking for and receiving love can be a risky business.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 22:20:14 GMT
The eye gazing - I find it incredibly difficult to receive the loving eyes of another, to be really seen - although I don't find it difficult to do this myself. I practiced this exercise with my partner regularly in the past - it was truly amazing to experience and to sit peacefully with my feelings of squriming and wanting to dip from his gaze. It deepened our relationship immensely but also left me truly vulnerable - when our relationship ended, I couldn't quite believe that something which had seemed so intensely real for both of us had just evaporated when I plucked up the courage to speak my real truth. It was truly frightening for me and led me to mistrust my judgement. Fortunately since then as a result of his courage and honesty, I have come to learn the the connection was real and there for both of us - and was enduring, but it did remind me that as infants and as adults, asking for and receiving love can be a risky business. infants are so trusting at first, to see that innocence, experience the purity of her interaction and presence- so incredible! so informative, also. bless your heart ocarina ❤️ |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 28, 2018 23:58:42 GMT
I have two kids.
The eye gaze thing is super lovely.
Parenting infants 24/7 in a way that is sensitive to attachment is....so hard. There were times I was so tired of being responsive to crying babies that I was literally walking into walls (my kids were the type to wake up 5 to 10 times a night for the full first 2 years of their life and I literally did not sleep through the night for 5 years straight). I was in a dark, dark place by the end from lack of sleep... I'm so happy they sleep through the night now!!!!!
I'm not sure that my ongoing attempts at attachment parenting necessarily made them all that secure. I think my eldest (7yo) has some anxiety challenges, and until recently was not willing to be alone in a room. But he does trust us enough to talk about his anxiety, so maybe that's a sign he thinks we as parents are a safe space.
We keep trying...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 0:33:26 GMT
leavethelighton , i totally get it! when my kids were younger i was surviving some of the time! my two adult children have taken attachment tests. their father was FA most likely , and left when they were two and four years due to drug addiction. very traumatic , he was clean and sober when we married but relapsed after a friend died. So, the kids had a very strong bond with him and then, he was gone. and i was left to fend for us. we lost everything. i wasn't able to be present like i wanted to. i tried, but it was a terrible time. my son is secure with dismissive avoidant tendencies- he's not on the anxious side at all. my daughter, AP. So, we talk and work through attachment gradually.they really like the information and what it means! especially my daughter, who has struggled with relationships. With my grand babies, i have this awareness and none of the stressors or raising them- our time is simple and easy. lots of interaction, so it's been amazing. i couldn't have done it like this when i was under the pressure of providing and parenting infant/toddlers! it's a different game! but, just being able to regroup when you realize that you're not as present as you want to be= priceless. my kids and i always called that having a "do-over" and we got unlimited do-overs, that was our rule!!
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 31, 2018 0:50:08 GMT
I like that bit about do-overs! We do "do-overs" too, but I think we should talk about concept more...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2018 1:16:05 GMT
I like that bit about do-overs! We do "do-overs" too, but I think we should talk about concept more... i introduced it something like this: "guys, sometimes things get stressful and one of all of us don't feel our best. anger is normal, sadness is normal, frustration is normal, but we don't have to let it ruin our day. any time, any where, if any of us can see that things are getting bad, we get to ask for a do-over. We can try again. we can calm it down, relax, and push a reset button and try again in a better way. " the point was to restore peace, have a second chance if there was an argument or misunderstanding, whatever. we were going through a lot as a family and we used do-overs a lot when they were younger. i know it helped us develop a family attitude of restoration, forgiveness, and good intention toward one another. And it also supported the idea that anyone might have a bad day- we can be tolerant and move forward. |
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