Post by 0pal on Aug 28, 2018 0:00:57 GMT
Hi- I am brand new to this forum and have been reading it for a couple weeks now.
I came here because of confusion in my relationship with my bf of 6 months and I have determined we had the AP (me)/DA scenario going. The relationship started the anxiety revving up for me- The moment I met him I found him intimidating, fascinating, and alluring. Fast forward a few weeks and we are spending 4 nights a week on average together. I thought things were moving along- went on a couple long weekends, did domestic stuff together, he would give me thoughtful gifts. He was also sexually very confident (egotistical?) which I found sexy but also strangely lowering my self-esteem. Of course I thought it was all me, I was too sensitive, got offended too easily (he said he was always sarcastic, how the fuck could I tell?) and progressively his opinions, way of thinking, behavior, even looks seemed better or more logical than mine. We had two incidents where I "overreacted", then I wanted to talk about it and he shut down when I told him my feelings had been hurt. Another time we were in an upscale restaurant and I could see he was feeling uncomfortable not having had fine dining experience. He proceeded to complain about everything in the place, I told him to stop being so disparaging and he completely shut down. I apologized immediately because I knew he would give me the silent treatment again.
Now its two weeks ago and Im feeling disconnected from him and trying to reconnect- we are out at his local pub and I broach talking about his personal goals. He said he has none. And he says how he's not a "tactile" person. I say well what about sex- he says thats different. So that makes sense now because I was feeling needy for physical affection. I let out some tears because I know this is an uphill battle but I am so wanting it to work. The next morning he turns his back to me- clearly does not want to be touched and it hurts me to the core. I make a bid for connection 'Are we ok?' he mumbles yes and I head off for a overnight trip with my best friend. I ended up having the worst anxiety of my life- nauseated, racing heart, trembling, loss of appetite (bonus Ive lost 10 lbs), the works. The anxiety is still around, popping up with certain thoughts of him, my past etc. I could tell he was pulling away, he texted less and I had to initiate.
I do see a therapist and had been seeing her throughout the relationship. When I got back from the weekend I saw her and decided I would tell him what was going on with me. That I have anxiety and it has gotten worse because I have feelings for him. I pre-medicated with 0.5 lorazepam which helped tremendously but unfortunately didn't change the outcome. I laid out what was going on, quite maturely I think with a couple tears at the beginning but nothing alarming. His response? 'Well thats fucks everything up!' 'I thought you were more independent' 'I think youre less attractive now' I attempted to state that I thought I was independent, everyone I know says that Im the most independent female they know ( he agreed!), that I was the same person as before I said anything. He of course shut down, so I tried to agree on a summary which was he knows where I stand- i.e. I want a relationship and I have feelings for him and his was' I dont know' . He proceeded to state- 'Im going to bed' and got up. I said 'Do you want me to leave?' he said 'yes'. I got my things and on the way out I asked him 'Will you contact me again?' He said yes. Its been a week now and I would like some closure at some point but not sure how long to give him a chance to contact me or just deal with the confusion . I do want some of my stuff back though ( wine and meat in the freezer
)
This has been an epic week and Ive been sitting with some shitty feelings and scrambling to feel better. I have realized that my attachment issues are very deep and terrifying. (emotionally unavailable father and mother dead when I was 4) Anyway, Im wondering what others have done in those painful weeks right after a break-up to feel more stable. Does anyone have things they do to call out the negative self-talk etc.
I came here because of confusion in my relationship with my bf of 6 months and I have determined we had the AP (me)/DA scenario going. The relationship started the anxiety revving up for me- The moment I met him I found him intimidating, fascinating, and alluring. Fast forward a few weeks and we are spending 4 nights a week on average together. I thought things were moving along- went on a couple long weekends, did domestic stuff together, he would give me thoughtful gifts. He was also sexually very confident (egotistical?) which I found sexy but also strangely lowering my self-esteem. Of course I thought it was all me, I was too sensitive, got offended too easily (he said he was always sarcastic, how the fuck could I tell?) and progressively his opinions, way of thinking, behavior, even looks seemed better or more logical than mine. We had two incidents where I "overreacted", then I wanted to talk about it and he shut down when I told him my feelings had been hurt. Another time we were in an upscale restaurant and I could see he was feeling uncomfortable not having had fine dining experience. He proceeded to complain about everything in the place, I told him to stop being so disparaging and he completely shut down. I apologized immediately because I knew he would give me the silent treatment again.
Now its two weeks ago and Im feeling disconnected from him and trying to reconnect- we are out at his local pub and I broach talking about his personal goals. He said he has none. And he says how he's not a "tactile" person. I say well what about sex- he says thats different. So that makes sense now because I was feeling needy for physical affection. I let out some tears because I know this is an uphill battle but I am so wanting it to work. The next morning he turns his back to me- clearly does not want to be touched and it hurts me to the core. I make a bid for connection 'Are we ok?' he mumbles yes and I head off for a overnight trip with my best friend. I ended up having the worst anxiety of my life- nauseated, racing heart, trembling, loss of appetite (bonus Ive lost 10 lbs), the works. The anxiety is still around, popping up with certain thoughts of him, my past etc. I could tell he was pulling away, he texted less and I had to initiate.
I do see a therapist and had been seeing her throughout the relationship. When I got back from the weekend I saw her and decided I would tell him what was going on with me. That I have anxiety and it has gotten worse because I have feelings for him. I pre-medicated with 0.5 lorazepam which helped tremendously but unfortunately didn't change the outcome. I laid out what was going on, quite maturely I think with a couple tears at the beginning but nothing alarming. His response? 'Well thats fucks everything up!' 'I thought you were more independent' 'I think youre less attractive now' I attempted to state that I thought I was independent, everyone I know says that Im the most independent female they know ( he agreed!), that I was the same person as before I said anything. He of course shut down, so I tried to agree on a summary which was he knows where I stand- i.e. I want a relationship and I have feelings for him and his was' I dont know' . He proceeded to state- 'Im going to bed' and got up. I said 'Do you want me to leave?' he said 'yes'. I got my things and on the way out I asked him 'Will you contact me again?' He said yes. Its been a week now and I would like some closure at some point but not sure how long to give him a chance to contact me or just deal with the confusion . I do want some of my stuff back though ( wine and meat in the freezer
) This has been an epic week and Ive been sitting with some shitty feelings and scrambling to feel better. I have realized that my attachment issues are very deep and terrifying. (emotionally unavailable father and mother dead when I was 4) Anyway, Im wondering what others have done in those painful weeks right after a break-up to feel more stable. Does anyone have things they do to call out the negative self-talk etc.
