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Post by epicgum on Sept 1, 2018 5:28:21 GMT
So I've read that APs can tend to take up the values and interests of their partner...I'm wondering, does this extend to negative values? Ie. If your partner has an insecurity about his financial position and talks about it a lot (and clearly thinks this makes him an inferior romantic partner), would you also start to fixate on it? (And think more negatively of him/her)
Or...would a partner with an insecurity like that simply be unattractive to APs, as they prefer "needless" avoidants?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 1, 2018 5:54:29 GMT
I think in that case an AP would want his/her partner to feel better and go overboard to be a cheerleader about it. Maybe even try to come up with suggestions or ideas for how to make it better, even if it's overbearing and crossing boundaries to do so. But you wouldn't let a partner's insecurity deter you and start rethinking the relationship over it (ie "partner thinks I can do better because partner believes X is wrong with them... maybe I can do better? Doubts??" --> not really how an AP, who has low self esteem, is going to respond).
What's more likely to happen, is if your partner has interests that you aren't into, or maybe even make you uncomfortable, you're going to either go along with them and pretend you are cool with it even if it's not how you want to spend your time, or you may try to twist your own way of thinking about things to accept whatever it is your partner values that you don't agree with. So, if your partner hates puppies, and you love puppies and want a puppy, you're going to get uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance that creates, be diligent about keeping puppies away from your partner, and convince yourself you need the relationship more than a puppy, and maybe puppies aren't even that great anyway.
Full disclosure: when I was strictly AP, I did not date anyone who hated puppies, nor did I ever choose my partner over puppies.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2018 6:12:40 GMT
I think in that case an AP would want his/her partner to feel better and go overboard to be a cheerleader about it. Maybe even try to come up with suggestions or ideas for how to make it better, even if it's overbearing and crossing boundaries to do so. But you wouldn't let a partner's insecurity deter you and start rethinking the relationship over it (ie "partner thinks I can do better because partner believes X is wrong with them... maybe I can do better? Doubts??" --> not really how an AP, who has low self esteem, is going to respond).
What's more likely to happen, is if your partner has interests that you aren't into, or maybe even make you uncomfortable, you're going to either go along with them and pretend you are cool with it even if it's not how you want to spend your time, or you may try to twist your own way of thinking about things to accept whatever it is your partner values that you don't agree with. So, if your partner hates puppies, and you love puppies and want a puppy, you're going to get uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance that creates, be diligent about keeping puppies away from your partner, and convince yourself you need the relationship more than a puppy, and maybe puppies aren't even that great anyway.
Full disclosure: when I was strictly AP, I did not date anyone who hated puppies, nor did I ever choose my partner over puppies.
AP / whatever - if someone hates puppies, I'd still rule them out ... not my sort of person. (and there is recent research to back up my belief) |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 1, 2018 6:15:21 GMT
I think in that case an AP would want his/her partner to feel better and go overboard to be a cheerleader about it. Maybe even try to come up with suggestions or ideas for how to make it better, even if it's overbearing and crossing boundaries to do so. But you wouldn't let a partner's insecurity deter you and start rethinking the relationship over it (ie "partner thinks I can do better because partner believes X is wrong with them... maybe I can do better? Doubts??" --> not really how an AP, who has low self esteem, is going to respond).
What's more likely to happen, is if your partner has interests that you aren't into, or maybe even make you uncomfortable, you're going to either go along with them and pretend you are cool with it even if it's not how you want to spend your time, or you may try to twist your own way of thinking about things to accept whatever it is your partner values that you don't agree with. So, if your partner hates puppies, and you love puppies and want a puppy, you're going to get uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance that creates, be diligent about keeping puppies away from your partner, and convince yourself you need the relationship more than a puppy, and maybe puppies aren't even that great anyway.
Full disclosure: when I was strictly AP, I did not date anyone who hated puppies, nor did I ever choose my partner over puppies.
AP / whatever - if someone hates puppies, I'd still rule them out ... not my sort of person. (and there is recent research to back up my belief) You'll be fascinated to hear that, as a fearful avoidant, when I was in a relationship--i hated puppies, now that I'm broken up, I adore them. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 1, 2018 6:17:56 GMT
AP / whatever - if someone hates puppies, I'd still rule them out ... not my sort of person. (and there is recent research to back up my belief) You'll be fascinated to hear that, as a fearful avoidant, when I was in a relationship--i hated puppies, now that I'm broken up, I adore them. , you're going to end up with a handful of puppies and an FA cat by the time you make it over to earned secure  |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 1, 2018 6:19:59 GMT
I think in that case an AP would want his/her partner to feel better and go overboard to be a cheerleader about it. Maybe even try to come up with suggestions or ideas for how to make it better, even if it's overbearing and crossing boundaries to do so. But you wouldn't let a partner's insecurity deter you and start rethinking the relationship over it (ie "partner thinks I can do better because partner believes X is wrong with them... maybe I can do better? Doubts??" --> not really how an AP, who has low self esteem, is going to respond).
What's more likely to happen, is if your partner has interests that you aren't into, or maybe even make you uncomfortable, you're going to either go along with them and pretend you are cool with it even if it's not how you want to spend your time, or you may try to twist your own way of thinking about things to accept whatever it is your partner values that you don't agree with. So, if your partner hates puppies, and you love puppies and want a puppy, you're going to get uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance that creates, be diligent about keeping puppies away from your partner, and convince yourself you need the relationship more than a puppy, and maybe puppies aren't even that great anyway.
Full disclosure: when I was strictly AP, I did not date anyone who hated puppies, nor did I ever choose my partner over puppies.
It's funny, I guess that's the dual nature of the FA, as I'm totally a cheerleader, but also totally a fault finder as well. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 1, 2018 6:21:46 GMT
You'll be fascinated to hear that, as a fearful avoidant, when I was in a relationship--i hated puppies, now that I'm broken up, I adore them. , you're going to end up with a handful of puppies and an FA cat by the time you make it over to earned secure Hahaha oh dear, yes my puppies and FA cat and we will all be a happy family together. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2018 19:46:05 GMT
AP / whatever - if someone hates puppies, I'd still rule them out ... not my sort of person. (and there is recent research to back up my belief) You'll be fascinated to hear that, as a fearful avoidant, when I was in a relationship--i hated puppies, now that I'm broken up, I adore them.  I take it you didn't grow up with animals. So what was that all about then?  How can you hate puppies?  FWIW, I don't hate anyone, even my abusers - I pity them at times, resent them at others, but I genuinely don't really feel hate ... should I? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2018 22:04:22 GMT
I think in that case an AP would want his/her partner to feel better and go overboard to be a cheerleader about it. Maybe even try to come up with suggestions or ideas for how to make it better, even if it's overbearing and crossing boundaries to do so. But you wouldn't let a partner's insecurity deter you and start rethinking the relationship over it (ie "partner thinks I can do better because partner believes X is wrong with them... maybe I can do better? Doubts??" --> not really how an AP, who has low self esteem, is going to respond).
What's more likely to happen, is if your partner has interests that you aren't into, or maybe even make you uncomfortable, you're going to either go along with them and pretend you are cool with it even if it's not how you want to spend your time, or you may try to twist your own way of thinking about things to accept whatever it is your partner values that you don't agree with. So, if your partner hates puppies, and you love puppies and want a puppy, you're going to get uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance that creates, be diligent about keeping puppies away from your partner, and convince yourself you need the relationship more than a puppy, and maybe puppies aren't even that great anyway.
Full disclosure: when I was strictly AP, I did not date anyone who hated puppies, nor did I ever choose my partner over puppies.
It's funny, I guess that's the dual nature of the FA, as I'm totally a cheerleader, but also totally a fault finder as well. I get this too (I am Secure / AP / FA) ... but not the puppies! |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 2, 2018 0:21:17 GMT
You'll be fascinated to hear that, as a fearful avoidant, when I was in a relationship--i hated puppies, now that I'm broken up, I adore them. I take it you didn't grow up with animals. So what was that all about then? How can you hate puppies? FWIW, I don't hate anyone, even my abusers - I pity them at times, resent them at others, but I genuinely don't really feel hate ... should I? I am exaggerating a bit to make a joke, but my exgf wanted to get a dog and I didn't want to because of the commitment it entailed (and because dogs can be loud the barking and aggression can really stress me out) after we broke up I took my neighbors dogs for a walk and really enjoyed them. I grew up with two cats and enjoyed them very much as a child....but of course...cats are FA! Its not helpful to hate anyone I dont think, love and gratitude are more helpful emotions to feel for people. I hate my 1st exgf a bit for starting to date someone else before breaking up with me, but I dont think its really been helpful for me. I dont actually wish her ill I just have a lot of anger towards her. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 0:28:04 GMT
I take it you didn't grow up with animals. So what was that all about then? How can you hate puppies? FWIW, I don't hate anyone, even my abusers - I pity them at times, resent them at others, but I genuinely don't really feel hate ... should I? I am exaggerating a bit to make a joke, but my exgf wanted to get a dog and I didn't want to because of the commitment it entailed (and because dogs can be loud) after we broke up I took my neighbors dogs for a walk and really enjoyed them. 😂 well, watch out epicgum. you have some 'splainin to do. 😬 |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 2, 2018 23:17:39 GMT
So I've read that APs can tend to take up the values and interests of their partner...I'm wondering, does this extend to negative values? Ie. If your partner has an insecurity about his financial position and talks about it a lot (and clearly thinks this makes him an inferior romantic partner), would you also start to fixate on it? (And think more negatively of him/her) Or...would a partner with an insecurity like that simply be unattractive to APs, as they prefer "needless" avoidants? When I am in AP mode insecurities like that don't make someone less attractive to me. I put the person on a pedestal and may find their flaws and insecurities attractive, if anything. The last person who I was excited about (an FA) and went into AP mode with, he talked about numerous insecurities from being worried about his finances, to his looks, to the tidiness of his home, and mostly I thought things like, "I hope he isn't spending money he can't afford to on me, I can't believe he doesn't know how good looking he is, and I'm glad his house is untidy because mine is too and maybe he won't judge me." And I felt glad that he didn't look down on me for not having a lot of money, that he thought I was really good looking and that he thought my home was cleaner than his. I bit my tongue to avoid the temptation to give him any advice about his work or finances, I reassured him that I liked his looks, and I told him his home looked pretty clean to me. However, sometimes, far less of the time mind you, I would look at him and think, "He is looking really out of shape today, maybe he isn't as hot as I thought," or once I remember being a bit grossed out by his dirty bathroom and thinking could I really seriously date someone who is not clean. So, are those times when my avoidant side came out? Me occasionally thinking he wasn't good looking started before he expressed any insecurity about his looks, it started before we even began dating in fact. As I got more attached and started feeling more AP I started thinking he looked great almost all the time. With a previous DA partner who never expressed any insecurities about anything ever, I experienced the same thing to a much stronger degree, that sometimes he would look completely unattractive to me. I asked a couple friends about this and they told me that's perfectly normal, but I now know both those friends are avoidant. Do you notice any patterns as to when you might have seen your partner in an unflattering light? Did you fixate on their financial situation because they did, or was anything else going on at the time? |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 3, 2018 0:16:31 GMT
So I've read that APs can tend to take up the values and interests of their partner...I'm wondering, does this extend to negative values? Ie. If your partner has an insecurity about his financial position and talks about it a lot (and clearly thinks this makes him an inferior romantic partner), would you also start to fixate on it? (And think more negatively of him/her) Or...would a partner with an insecurity like that simply be unattractive to APs, as they prefer "needless" avoidants? When I am in AP mode insecurities like that don't make someone less attractive to me. I put the person on a pedestal and may find their flaws and insecurities attractive, if anything. The last person who I was excited about (an FA) and went into AP mode with, he talked about numerous insecurities from being worried about his finances, to his looks, to the tidiness of his home, and mostly I thought things like, "I hope he isn't spending money he can't afford to on me, I can't believe he doesn't know how good looking he is, and I'm glad his house is untidy because mine is too and maybe he won't judge me." And I felt glad that he didn't look down on me for not having a lot of money, that he thought I was really good looking and that he thought my home was cleaner than his. I bit my tongue to avoid the temptation to give him any advice about his work or finances, I reassured him that I liked his looks, and I told him his home looked pretty clean to me. However, sometimes, far less of the time mind you, I would look at him and think, "He is looking really out of shape today, maybe he isn't as hot as I thought," or once I remember being a bit grossed out by his dirty bathroom and thinking could I really seriously date someone who is not clean. So, are those times when my avoidant side came out? Me occasionally thinking he wasn't good looking started before he expressed any insecurity about his looks, it started before we even began dating in fact. As I got more attached and started feeling more AP I started thinking he looked great almost all the time. With a previous DA partner who never expressed any insecurities about anything ever, I experienced the same thing to a much stronger degree, that sometimes he would look completely unattractive to me. I asked a couple friends about this and they told me that's perfectly normal, but I now know both those friends are avoidant. Do you notice any patterns as to when you might have seen your partner in an unflattering light? Did you fixate on their financial situation because they did, or was anything else going on at the time? I just used finances as a hypothetical...for me it was all about her weight. She talked about it constantly about how upset she was that she was overweight and how she wanted to lose it. It didn't really bother me at first, actually I thought it was really attractive that she wanted to better herself in this way. But over time, she kept complaining about it more and more (and compared myself to her, how she was so fat and I was so athletic and what was wrong with me that I was with her) And then she stopped trying to do anything about it (i tried to do active things with her, hikes and such, get her to join me I the gym, but she lost interest) and I began to (privately) fixate on it as well and it started to diminish my attraction for her. Just curious as to the AP reaction to this, it bothers me a lot in retrospect that I let myself get so hung up on this, cause I miss her a lot, and I wonder if it would have even bothered me if it didn't bother her so much. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 0:55:27 GMT
I just used finances as a hypothetical...for me it was all about her weight. She talked about it constantly about how upset she was that she was overweight and how she wanted to lose it. It didn't really bother me at first, actually I thought it was really attractive that she wanted to better herself in this way. But over time, she kept complaining about it more and more (and compared myself to her, how she was so fat and I was so athletic and what was wrong with me that I was with her) And then she stopped trying to do anything about it (i tried to do active things with her, hikes and such, get her to join me I the gym, but she lost interest) and I began to (privately) fixate on it as well and it started to diminish my attraction for her. Just curious as to the AP reaction to this, it bothers me a lot in retrospect that I let myself get so hung up on this, cause I miss her a lot, and I wonder if it would have even bothered me if it didn't bother her so much. Well in that scenario I would react the same way as you, but when I am confronted with someone more AP than I am, I am not AP. I think it's pretty common to find it unattractive if someone obsesses over feeling like they are unattractive, regardless of attachment style. It's well known that confidence is sexy. Someone being a lot older and a lot less fit than you are real considerations that I think secure people have concerns about too. Did you use her weight as a reason to yourself for your distancing at the time? |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 3, 2018 2:29:58 GMT
I just used finances as a hypothetical...for me it was all about her weight. She talked about it constantly about how upset she was that she was overweight and how she wanted to lose it. It didn't really bother me at first, actually I thought it was really attractive that she wanted to better herself in this way. But over time, she kept complaining about it more and more (and compared myself to her, how she was so fat and I was so athletic and what was wrong with me that I was with her) And then she stopped trying to do anything about it (i tried to do active things with her, hikes and such, get her to join me I the gym, but she lost interest) and I began to (privately) fixate on it as well and it started to diminish my attraction for her. Just curious as to the AP reaction to this, it bothers me a lot in retrospect that I let myself get so hung up on this, cause I miss her a lot, and I wonder if it would have even bothered me if it didn't bother her so much. Well in that scenario I would react the same way as you, but when I am confronted with someone more AP than I am, I am not AP. I think it's pretty common to find it unattractive if someone obsesses over feeling like they are unattractive, regardless of attachment style. It's well known that confidence is sexy. Someone being a lot older and a lot less fit than you are real considerations that I think secure people have concerns about too. Did you use her weight as a reason to yourself for your distancing at the time? Yeah, totally in my brain. I never verbalized it cause I was afraid of hurting her, and I didn't want her to be insecure about her body around me, but I wanted to see her putting effort into herself before I made greater commitments. I kept thinking, as soon as she gets this new job that is a better fit, she will gain more confidence and be less stressed and will be able to focus on her health, like she keeps saying she will...but...until then I'm not ready. |
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I take it you didn't grow up with animals.
