AP and partner values

epicgum, you're not being a broken record. You're processing. I'm pointing out that the breakup wasn't all your fault and, while you should take responsibility for your piece, she also has responsibility and an insecure attachment style that she would need to work on as well.

I'm not sure that splitting up your DA and AP tendencies and considering them separately is as helpful as looking at FA as its own set of behaviors. FA people-pleasing is actually different than AP behavior and has a different root cause. I'm going to go into detail on both, and it's going to get long.

AP is more about not being able to communicate needs because confidence is so lacking and partner is "better" than self, so partner should always be prioritized. AP is scared to communicate needs, because they don't have the confidence to, and are willing to push aside their needs for the "greater" purpose of propping up their partner. But this is sincere out of lack of self esteem that they don't matter as much as others, and because they were probably used to getting the best response from an adult caretaker when they were younger by displaying this behavior (APs got inconsistent attention from caretakers, blamed themselves for it, and tried to guess which of their behaviors as a child influenced the caretaker to meet their needs, then carry that illusion of control over others into adulthood). This is also why strict AP never fixates on qualities to devalue or question their partners in their head... they are looking to the partner to create meaning and sense of self for them because they lack the confidence to manage it on their own, so you'd always want to keep your partner on a pedestal because then this great person thinks you're worthy and defines you, too. Unfortunately, it will never be enough to fill the AP's holes because they need to be able to do it themselves and make themselves happy first, so relationship problems and eventually some manipulation (Google protest behaviors) are likely to follow if the AP doesn't work on healing.

My understanding of this for FA is, at some point in their lives, their needs were not only met inconsistently if at all, but there appeared to be no rhyme or reason to it. Disorganized. The child could not find patterns of behavior that worked to influence the outcome and as a result felt they must be terrible and unworthy of having needs met (low opinion of self) and eventually scared of the unpredictable responses of the adult caretaker that they still had to rely on and wanted to attach to (low opinion of others, can't trust their intentions). The nervous system ends up being negatively activated if the attachment figure gets too close (pain from the caretaker being in their space but not meeting their needs) or too far (anxiety because the child has no confidence in their ability to meet their own needs). As a result, and since there was no positivity to build on, the child might reject themselves and build a people-pleasing persona to get attention and to survive, because they're scared that their "real" selves are not good enough and inevitably are going to be rejected. The projected personality both has aspects that seem to get them a more positive response from others, which is validating (the more you idealize your partner, the better the validation like with AP -- validation you don't know how to give yourself), and saves them from feeling rejection of their TRUE self, if rejection happens. But underneath that people pleasing persona is still a lot of distrust, so a distancing behavior to fully protect the FA as an adult might be to nitpick and question their partner. The FA still believes the partner could abandon them at any moment like happened in their childhood, which is frightening. In addition, all these subconscious layers make the FA disconnected from understanding their true feelings and motivations behind actions, so there may be a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction that they don't understand at all. Sometimes, blame for those misunderstood feelings can land on the romantic partner even when they have nothing to do with it, which breeds resentment and more devaluing.

OMG epicgum, a frind of mine said the EXACT same thing (did her name start with an H?) and I refused to believe it. My dogs would always be my babies.

Now they're just...my dogs.

But then I know some people who felt this way and sure enough when their kids left and they were empty nesters, suddenly really adored dogs again.