joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 3, 2018 2:03:11 GMT
I'm an AP involved with a DA. I struggle to know what is a natural, and intuitive thought or suspicion that a secure person would feel or how they'd react, and what is an AP behavior. I have to go to my therapist or a friend to get clarification a lot of the time.
For example, my DA was looking at these summer type hats this weekend, and then he wanted to whiten his teeth. This was last night, and we won't be together on Monday for Labor Day where most people are doing the pool party or barbecues. He said he wasn't doing anything for Labor Day and would be home doing some wood working. Yet when I saw him looking at these hats and wanting to whiten his teeth I instantly got the thought that he was lying about staying home and was actually preparing to go somewhere. Is that an insecure AP thought or something anyone else (namely secure) would think?
My insecure thoughts like these is what has led to many of our conflicts. It did again last night. He got annoyed at my not believing him and it basically tainted our time together.
If I keep my mouth shut and don't get reassurance from him I'm bummed out, distracted and having a bad time. If I say something or question him then he's annoyed and gets distant and we both end up having a bad time.
Sometimes I'll ask myself what would a secure person do or think, but when I get these dark thoughts I believe them, and they seem very real. If we're not together I can talk myself down from saying anything and contain the negative thoughts. The problem is when we're together the compulsion to say something while he's right there is so strong, and it's really hard to contain the thoughts and feelings.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 2:30:17 GMT
I think it's an insecure thought and not a thought that just anyone would have. I think a secure person would probably take what he said at face value.
For me I think the key when I have thoughts like that is to recognize that it is not the other person's job to reassure me. Practicing self-soothing, mindfulness and acceptance are more helpful that trying to bottle up or "contain" any insecure thoughts and feelings. One thing I've been trying to get better at is getting in touch with my actual emotions and expressing those, rather than thinking I have to choose between stifling myself or spilling out paranoid accusations. I'm guessing you said something to the effect that you were suspicious that he was lying about not going out? Can you think about how you were feeling as opposed to what you worried he was thinking or doing? And why do you think you were feeling that way? Are you, say, upset that you are not going to spend the holiday with him? Do you feel like you don't spend enough time together? What's going on? What would help? How would you feel about simply telling him your emotions like "I feel anxious right now" or "I feel sad right now" without criticizing him or making him responsible for them? Another thing I'm trying to do is get more in touch with my needs and get better at expressing those. Do you have some needs that aren't being met? Is he aware of them?
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 3, 2018 15:23:55 GMT
I think it's an insecure thought and not a thought that just anyone would have. I think a secure person would probably take what he said at face value. For me I think the key when I have thoughts like that is to recognize that it is not the other person's job to reassure me. Practicing self-soothing, mindfulness and acceptance are more helpful that trying to bottle up or "contain" any insecure thoughts and feelings. One thing I've been trying to get better at is getting in touch with my actual emotions and expressing those, rather than thinking I have to choose between stifling myself or spilling out paranoid accusations. I'm guessing you said something to the effect that you were suspicious that he was lying about not going out? Can you think about how you were feeling as opposed to what you worried he was thinking or doing? And why do you think you were feeling that way? Are you, say, upset that you are not going to spend the holiday with him? Do you feel like you don't spend enough time together? What's going on? What would help? How would you feel about simply telling him your emotions like "I feel anxious right now" or "I feel sad right now" without criticizing him or making him responsible for them? Another thing I'm trying to do is get more in touch with my needs and get better at expressing those. Do you have some needs that aren't being met? Is he aware of them? happyidiot - I was feeling that way because I was sad that we weren't spending the long weekend together. I don't feel we spend enough time together, but he always says it's because he's busy taking care of his father with dementia, working and in general enjoying his alone time. We've discussed this before, but he says that's his priority and he won't compromise on it. I know I can't change his mind on spending more time together, but sometimes I look for reassurance and need to hear it to feel better. I try to pick my battles on what I question him about because I know I have a tendency towards being paranoid. I'm really bad at self-soothing, so I know I need to try to practice that more. When I get a paranoid thought or fear being abandoned in any way the anxiety I feel seems to take over. My heart and mind races, I get butterflies in my stomach and I can't sit still. It takes a lot of effort to calm myself, and stop myself from pulling the trigger aka questioning him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 3, 2018 16:09:14 GMT
I understand the desire to be secure and see through that lens...frankly i think there is a deeper issue at hand and all the thoughts are simply distractions...you want something that he is not willing to offer you....he wants something you are not willing to offer him. That is why it will neverfeel like it is enough...because it is not enough. I would focus less on his actions and focus more on what you want and need that you are not getting.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 3, 2018 16:26:17 GMT
Have you invited him to do some activity on Labor Day, or he told you no and he just prefer to spend time at home? Is he living with his father? Maybe he wants to stay with him that day, being at home doing wood work. I was an only child of sick parents and they were my priority, much more if there was a holiday involved (that and work/studies). I also had problems in my relationships and tended to end them because I felt like I couldn't give the time they wanted (I couldn't spend the night, not even a whole weekend together for many months, depending on how they were). I don't know if you ever had a family member with a degenerative disease but it can be hard to focus on romance sometimes. I can definitely tell you that a boyfriend was not at the top of my list, even if they were amazing people and I liked being with them. I just had too much on my plate. Maybe you can talk with him about how he feels about this? Dementia can be heartbreaking.
It is an insecure thought when you automatically think your partner is lying to you (unless they have lied to you in the past about these things). Normally, if you're with someone you trust that person. I've seen some post of you and you seem aware that you're anxious about relationships in general. Try to open to him with kindness and an open heart, but let me tell you that if he likes to have space and is taking care of his father he may not be a good match for you if you want a partner that spends more time with you, or that spends holidays with you. That's totally reasonable and you both have to talk about that. What is not reasonable is thinking that he's lying to you about his whereabouts. That's not how a good relationship works, and it'll make you go crazy with self-doubt.
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 3, 2018 17:43:24 GMT
I understand the desire to be secure and see through that lens...frankly i think there is a deeper issue at hand and all the thoughts are simply distractions...you want something that he is not willing to offer you....he wants something you are not willing to offer him. That is why it will neverfeel like it is enough...because it is not enough. I would focus less on his actions and focus more on what you want and need that you are not getting. You're right, these thoughts are simply distractions. I do want more than he's willing to offer - more communication, connection, time together and a full on relationship. He wants a lighter type of companionship that doesn't take too much work. I know it not enough for me no matter how I try to justify it to myself. The absolute struggle for me is being able to walk away. I get what you're saying though. |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 3, 2018 18:03:20 GMT
Have you invited him to do some activity on Labor Day, or he told you no and he just prefer to spend time at home? Is he living with his father? Maybe he wants to stay with him that day, being at home doing wood work. I was an only child of sick parents and they were my priority, much more if there was a holiday involved (that and work/studies). I also had problems in my relationships and tended to end them because I felt like I couldn't give the time they wanted (I couldn't spend the night, not even a whole weekend together for many months, depending on how they were). I don't know if you ever had a family member with a degenerative disease but it can be hard to focus on romance sometimes. I can definitely tell you that a boyfriend was not at the top of my list, even if they were amazing people and I liked being with them. I just had too much on my plate. Maybe you can talk with him about how he feels about this? Dementia can be heartbreaking. It is an insecure thought when you automatically think your partner is lying to you (unless they have lied to you in the past about these things). Normally, if you're with someone you trust that person. I've seen some post of you and you seem aware that you're anxious about relationships in general. Try to open to him with kindness and an open heart, but let me tell you that if he likes to have space and is taking care of his father he may not be a good match for you if you want a partner that spends more time with you, or that spends holidays with you. That's totally reasonable and you both have to talk about that. What is not reasonable is thinking that he's lying to you about his whereabouts. That's not how a good relationship works, and it'll make you go crazy with self-doubt. I can empathize with his situation in taking care of his father who he does live with. He even texted me a picture at midnight of his dad wandering around the house as he always does late at night and was basically telling me, you want to know what I'm up to, well here you go. I try really hard to see things from his perspective instead of drowning in my own insecure thoughts. I guess it's hard to understand how a person can't or doesn't want to focus on romance when stressed because that's my AP reaction. When I'm stressed I seek the comfort of a romantic partner. As much as I can logically understand that people operate in different ways, I lose sight of that when my emotions or anxiety take over. Just like you lilyg he always talks of how he has too much on his plate and a relationship isn't a priority over those things. I can understand and accept that most of the time, but when my insecurities start to take over I forget about all of that and start in with the accusations and questioning. All reason and rationale go out the window. I immediately regret it. By that time the damage has been done. What I really want is to find ways to stop myself from acting out with these paranoid thoughts of him lying or hiding things from me. I'm reading a lot about the critical inner voice, and how to fight them. I know this is little to do with him and a lot to do with how I feel about myself. He's a distraction just as every romantic relationship has been. There are so many different forms of therapy, it's hard to know what actually will be effective. I know there isn't just one thing, it's a combination and it'll be ongoing, but I'm trying to figure out right now how to keep my reactions under control. |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 4, 2018 8:21:10 GMT
Have you invited him to do some activity on Labor Day, or he told you no and he just prefer to spend time at home? Is he living with his father? Maybe he wants to stay with him that day, being at home doing wood work. I was an only child of sick parents and they were my priority, much more if there was a holiday involved (that and work/studies). I also had problems in my relationships and tended to end them because I felt like I couldn't give the time they wanted (I couldn't spend the night, not even a whole weekend together for many months, depending on how they were). I don't know if you ever had a family member with a degenerative disease but it can be hard to focus on romance sometimes. I can definitely tell you that a boyfriend was not at the top of my list, even if they were amazing people and I liked being with them. I just had too much on my plate. Maybe you can talk with him about how he feels about this? Dementia can be heartbreaking. It is an insecure thought when you automatically think your partner is lying to you (unless they have lied to you in the past about these things). Normally, if you're with someone you trust that person. I've seen some post of you and you seem aware that you're anxious about relationships in general. Try to open to him with kindness and an open heart, but let me tell you that if he likes to have space and is taking care of his father he may not be a good match for you if you want a partner that spends more time with you, or that spends holidays with you. That's totally reasonable and you both have to talk about that. What is not reasonable is thinking that he's lying to you about his whereabouts. That's not how a good relationship works, and it'll make you go crazy with self-doubt. I can empathize with his situation in taking care of his father who he does live with. He even texted me a picture at midnight of his dad wandering around the house as he always does late at night and was basically telling me, you want to know what I'm up to, well here you go. I try really hard to see things from his perspective instead of drowning in my own insecure thoughts. I guess it's hard to understand how a person can't or doesn't want to focus on romance when stressed because that's my AP reaction. When I'm stressed I seek the comfort of a romantic partner. As much as I can logically understand that people operate in different ways, I lose sight of that when my emotions or anxiety take over. Just like you lilyg he always talks of how he has too much on his plate and a relationship isn't a priority over those things. I can understand and accept that most of the time, but when my insecurities start to take over I forget about all of that and start in with the accusations and questioning. All reason and rationale go out the window. I immediately regret it. By that time the damage has been done. What I really want is to find ways to stop myself from acting out with these paranoid thoughts of him lying or hiding things from me. I'm reading a lot about the critical inner voice, and how to fight them. I know this is little to do with him and a lot to do with how I feel about myself. He's a distraction just as every romantic relationship has been. There are so many different forms of therapy, it's hard to know what actually will be effective. I know there isn't just one thing, it's a combination and it'll be ongoing, but I'm trying to figure out right now how to keep my reactions under control. Sorry  I was just trying to help. I don't know him nor your relationship (nor the state his father is in, but I guess for what you're saying that he needs a lot of care), so maybe I'm proyecting. Of course you have empathy for him, I'm sure you do. I'm just trying to explain what might be going on in his head/heart so you can make a decision about your relationship with him. Believe me, If he is with you it's because he enjoys his time with you. It's not that he does not wants to make you a priority, it's just that right now, getting to know someone in a romantic way it's not manageable if you expect more than a couple of days a week of seeing each other. You might think the logical solution for this situation it's to meet the love of your life and find peace in their love, but you know how that goes… it's a pretty nice fantasy but, well, being in a relationship with someone means I'm able to deliver my partner needs too. So of course I wanted to spend time with someone special but the reality is that sometimes we cannot focus on romance to ignore everything else that is happening. He's emotionally unavailable. Maybe he's DA too, or he has more problems in relationships. The reality is that it's an unfair situation for both of you. You have your own things you have to heal from, and being the partner of a caregiver can be really hard. I mean, I've been one myself and right now I'd still have a hard time dating one. You're trying to get better and if he wants to be with you he has to help you too. You both have to help each other but I get it's a super difficult place to be in, as you need reafirmation and someone to soothe you while going to therapy and it seems he needs to be alone to feel better, while also needing time to help his father. You can try to discuss your own feelings in a very transparent way and he can talk to you about logistics and needing help/time and see if you can find a common ground. There are some websites talking about dating while being a primary caregiver, maybe you can have a look there. But it'll be super difficult. Try focusing on yourself and think about what you really need. It seems like you're trying to save yourself and heal and it's difficult if your parter is not focused on working on a relationship. You cannot do all the work. We have to save ourselves first to be able to help others. |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 4, 2018 8:26:56 GMT
And hey, I also get sad sometimes about my boyfriend cancelling a plan. You can read my thread about it in the forums. There are some good insight there of other posters about repairing, understanding him and myself |
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 4, 2018 23:35:32 GMT
I wonder if it would be helpful to ask a neutral/clarifying question rather than to engage in the fear/projecting. For example, "Would you tell me more about how you got interested in tooth whitening" rather than focusing on the fear that the tooth whitening means he's going out on Labor Day. I often think some of my more AP moments would have gone so much better if I'd just said, "Tell me more about that...."
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 5, 2018 4:47:14 GMT
happyidiot - I was feeling that way because I was sad that we weren't spending the long weekend together. I don't feel we spend enough time together, but he always says it's because he's busy taking care of his father with dementia, working and in general enjoying his alone time. We've discussed this before, but he says that's his priority and he won't compromise on it. I know I can't change his mind on spending more time together, but sometimes I look for reassurance and need to hear it to feel better. I try to pick my battles on what I question him about because I know I have a tendency towards being paranoid. I'm really bad at self-soothing, so I know I need to try to practice that more. When I get a paranoid thought or fear being abandoned in any way the anxiety I feel seems to take over. My heart and mind races, I get butterflies in my stomach and I can't sit still. It takes a lot of effort to calm myself, and stop myself from pulling the trigger aka questioning him. I think leavethelighton 's suggestion above about what to do in the moment is genius. I can support that it can help, from my own experience. You don't have to choose between silence or interrogating. And you will get information from asking open-ended non-accusational questions. As well as saying "tell me more about that..." questions that start with "how" or "what" are great. Could you also try to focus on listening to what he is saying rather than thinking about what you will say next? As to the issue of figuring out what your needs are and getting them met, if you accept that he is not able to spend more time with you and don't see that as a make or break need, but need some reassurance as to why he isn't spending more time with you, could you perhaps show more interest in the things he does when he isn't with you? For example ask him about his woodworking and what he likes about it? Maybe it might help you understand him better, help him feel like you care about his life and needs outside of you, and help reduce you dreaming up other things you suspect he is doing if you know more about what he is actually doing and why. |
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joan
Full Member
Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2018 4:56:23 GMT
I can empathize with his situation in taking care of his father who he does live with. He even texted me a picture at midnight of his dad wandering around the house as he always does late at night and was basically telling me, you want to know what I'm up to, well here you go. I try really hard to see things from his perspective instead of drowning in my own insecure thoughts. I guess it's hard to understand how a person can't or doesn't want to focus on romance when stressed because that's my AP reaction. When I'm stressed I seek the comfort of a romantic partner. As much as I can logically understand that people operate in different ways, I lose sight of that when my emotions or anxiety take over. Just like you lilyg he always talks of how he has too much on his plate and a relationship isn't a priority over those things. I can understand and accept that most of the time, but when my insecurities start to take over I forget about all of that and start in with the accusations and questioning. All reason and rationale go out the window. I immediately regret it. By that time the damage has been done. What I really want is to find ways to stop myself from acting out with these paranoid thoughts of him lying or hiding things from me. I'm reading a lot about the critical inner voice, and how to fight them. I know this is little to do with him and a lot to do with how I feel about myself. He's a distraction just as every romantic relationship has been. There are so many different forms of therapy, it's hard to know what actually will be effective. I know there isn't just one thing, it's a combination and it'll be ongoing, but I'm trying to figure out right now how to keep my reactions under control. Sorry I was just trying to help. I don't know him nor your relationship (nor the state his father is in, but I guess for what you're saying that he needs a lot of care), so maybe I'm proyecting. Of course you have empathy for him, I'm sure you do. I'm just trying to explain what might be going on in his head/heart so you can make a decision about your relationship with him. Believe me, If he is with you it's because he enjoys his time with you. It's not that he does not wants to make you a priority, it's just that right now, getting to know someone in a romantic way it's not manageable if you expect more than a couple of days a week of seeing each other. You might think the logical solution for this situation it's to meet the love of your life and find peace in their love, but you know how that goes… it's a pretty nice fantasy but, well, being in a relationship with someone means I'm able to deliver my partner needs too. So of course I wanted to spend time with someone special but the reality is that sometimes we cannot focus on romance to ignore everything else that is happening. He's emotionally unavailable. Maybe he's DA too, or he has more problems in relationships. The reality is that it's an unfair situation for both of you. You have your own things you have to heal from, and being the partner of a caregiver can be really hard. I mean, I've been one myself and right now I'd still have a hard time dating one. You're trying to get better and if he wants to be with you he has to help you too. You both have to help each other but I get it's a super difficult place to be in, as you need reafirmation and someone to soothe you while going to therapy and it seems he needs to be alone to feel better, while also needing time to help his father. You can try to discuss your own feelings in a very transparent way and he can talk to you about logistics and needing help/time and see if you can find a common ground. There are some websites talking about dating while being a primary caregiver, maybe you can have a look there. But it'll be super difficult. Try focusing on yourself and think about what you really need. It seems like you're trying to save yourself and heal and it's difficult if your parter is not focused on working on a relationship. You cannot do all the work. We have to save ourselves first to be able to help others. Oh no lilyg no need to apologize, I didn't mean to come off in any way like I disagreed with anything you were saying or was offended by what you said at all. I absolutely agree with you. Your post really helps me see things from another's perspective. I can get so caught up in my negative thought patterns and not always see how people deal with things differently then how I would deal with them. It's reassuring to hear you say he enjoys his time with me. I sometimes lose sight of seeing the positive things when my mind automatically goes to the negative. I looked at some websites as you suggested where people talked about being a caregiver and trying to have a romantic life and it was enlightening. So thank you for the suggestion, that was very helpful. It helped me see where people who are in that position are coming from and what they go through. I hear what you're saying about helping ourselves first and foremost. How can I be empathetic, helpful or responsive to him or anyone else if I'm caught up in my own troubles. I remind myself to stay focused on my issues every time I start trying to analyze him. I know he's got issues, and isn't a good partner for me. I chose him and I know all the reasons behind why I do. Now it's just trying to figure out how to chose me. |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2018 5:06:14 GMT
I wonder if it would be helpful to ask a neutral/clarifying question rather than to engage in the fear/projecting. For example, "Would you tell me more about how you got interested in tooth whitening" rather than focusing on the fear that the tooth whitening means he's going out on Labor Day. I often think some of my more AP moments would have gone so much better if I'd just said, "Tell me more about that...." That is a helpful way I could go about interacting with him the next time my negative/fear based thoughts try to take over. To be curious as opposed to accusing him as if I already know why or what he's doing. Just because I have a negative thought doesn't mean I need to act out on them by vocalizing them. I've ruined many a potentially good evening blurting out some fear/projecting thought rather than sitting back, recognizing it's just a thought and letting it go. The letting go is tough, but as you suggested, showing curiosity could really ease the thoughts. So thank you for the suggestion! |
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joan
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2018 5:17:59 GMT
happyidiot - I was feeling that way because I was sad that we weren't spending the long weekend together. I don't feel we spend enough time together, but he always says it's because he's busy taking care of his father with dementia, working and in general enjoying his alone time. We've discussed this before, but he says that's his priority and he won't compromise on it. I know I can't change his mind on spending more time together, but sometimes I look for reassurance and need to hear it to feel better. I try to pick my battles on what I question him about because I know I have a tendency towards being paranoid. I'm really bad at self-soothing, so I know I need to try to practice that more. When I get a paranoid thought or fear being abandoned in any way the anxiety I feel seems to take over. My heart and mind races, I get butterflies in my stomach and I can't sit still. It takes a lot of effort to calm myself, and stop myself from pulling the trigger aka questioning him. I think leavethelighton 's suggestion above about what to do in the moment is genius. I can support that it can help, from my own experience. You don't have to choose between silence or interrogating. And you will get information from asking open-ended non-accusational questions. As well as saying "tell me more about that..." questions that start with "how" or "what" are great. Could you also try to focus on listening to what he is saying rather than thinking about what you will say next? As to the issue of figuring out what your needs are and getting them met, if you accept that he is not able to spend more time with you and don't see that as a make or break need, but need some reassurance as to why he isn't spending more time with you, could you perhaps show more interest in the things he does when he isn't with you? For example ask him about his woodworking and what he likes about it? Maybe it might help you understand him better, help him feel like you care about his life and needs outside of you, and help reduce you dreaming up other things you suspect he is doing if you know more about what he is actually doing and why. Yes great suggestion about focusing on listening to what he is saying rather than thinking about what I'll say or being so stuck in my thoughts! It's actually funny that you said that. I was telling my sister about a conflict we had recently. I couldn't remember his responses as well as I could remember what I said because I was too busy worrying about what I was thinking as opposed to really listening to him. I do engage with him about his woodworking and that helps me understand him better and hopefully helps him feel supported by my interest in his projects and hobbies. I will say I'm really grateful for all of the wonderful advice I get from you all. It's truly another great form of therapy. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't give as much great advice as I get, but when I can conquer more of my issues I hope that I can be a great help to you all as you have been for me! |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 5, 2018 13:51:20 GMT
Sorry I was just trying to help. I don't know him nor your relationship (nor the state his father is in, but I guess for what you're saying that he needs a lot of care), so maybe I'm proyecting. Of course you have empathy for him, I'm sure you do. I'm just trying to explain what might be going on in his head/heart so you can make a decision about your relationship with him. Believe me, If he is with you it's because he enjoys his time with you. It's not that he does not wants to make you a priority, it's just that right now, getting to know someone in a romantic way it's not manageable if you expect more than a couple of days a week of seeing each other. You might think the logical solution for this situation it's to meet the love of your life and find peace in their love, but you know how that goes… it's a pretty nice fantasy but, well, being in a relationship with someone means I'm able to deliver my partner needs too. So of course I wanted to spend time with someone special but the reality is that sometimes we cannot focus on romance to ignore everything else that is happening. He's emotionally unavailable. Maybe he's DA too, or he has more problems in relationships. The reality is that it's an unfair situation for both of you. You have your own things you have to heal from, and being the partner of a caregiver can be really hard. I mean, I've been one myself and right now I'd still have a hard time dating one. You're trying to get better and if he wants to be with you he has to help you too. You both have to help each other but I get it's a super difficult place to be in, as you need reafirmation and someone to soothe you while going to therapy and it seems he needs to be alone to feel better, while also needing time to help his father. You can try to discuss your own feelings in a very transparent way and he can talk to you about logistics and needing help/time and see if you can find a common ground. There are some websites talking about dating while being a primary caregiver, maybe you can have a look there. But it'll be super difficult. Try focusing on yourself and think about what you really need. It seems like you're trying to save yourself and heal and it's difficult if your parter is not focused on working on a relationship. You cannot do all the work. We have to save ourselves first to be able to help others. Oh no lilyg no need to apologize, I didn't mean to come off in any way like I disagreed with anything you were saying or was offended by what you said at all. I absolutely agree with you. Your post really helps me see things from another's perspective. I can get so caught up in my negative thought patterns and not always see how people deal with things differently then how I would deal with them. It's reassuring to hear you say he enjoys his time with me. I sometimes lose sight of seeing the positive things when my mind automatically goes to the negative. I looked at some websites as you suggested where people talked about being a caregiver and trying to have a romantic life and it was enlightening. So thank you for the suggestion, that was very helpful. It helped me see where people who are in that position are coming from and what they go through. I hear what you're saying about helping ourselves first and foremost. How can I be empathetic, helpful or responsive to him or anyone else if I'm caught up in my own troubles. I remind myself to stay focused on my issues every time I start trying to analyze him. I know he's got issues, and isn't a good partner for me. I chose him and I know all the reasons behind why I do. Now it's just trying to figure out how to chose me. He surely enjoys himself with you but you don't have to stay in a relationship that's not working for you. I'm glad I could help you. Sorry I cannot help you with your attachment, I wish you well in your journey. You seem like a very nice lady so I'm sure you'll decide what's best for you both 😘 |
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I was just trying to help. I don't know him nor your relationship (nor the state his father is in, but I guess for what you're saying that he needs a lot of care), so maybe I'm proyecting. Of course you have empathy for him, I'm sure you do. I'm just trying to explain what might be going on in his head/heart so you can make a decision about your relationship with him.