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Post by tnr9 on Sept 3, 2018 13:27:05 GMT
So i went away this weekend...this was my last outing with the group before taking time off to heal. I did dwell a bit and checked his FB page but overall, i felt strong and relaxed. Yesterday while i was out shopping with a friend, i got a text. B came down for the day and inquired if i was at the beach. I simply replied yes...and then i just broke out in crying. Yet another safe zone was no longer safe.i asked my friend is she would bring my items that were at thebeach to me. She and i talked during which B called. I let it go to voice mail. It was simply an invitation to hang out at the beach. I did not reply, i did not go...i spent hours in my room and then i went for a walk. As i was leaving for the walk, i saw B in a rocking chair talking to the girl he drove down with...and the stories srarted swirling in my head. Later that night and into today, i have been filled with guilt for essentually avoiding him. That just felt so selfish and childish. I am truly struggling with whether to call or email and explain. This has been a bit of a set back and i feel lost again.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 3, 2018 14:10:47 GMT
But honey, why are you feeling guilty? Because you didn't answered and declined? It's very reasonable that you don't want to see him. It's not selfish, and he surely understands it may be uncomfortable for you to see him. It is a healthy boundary.
I know it's very emotional for you right now, but you don't owe him an explanation. Don't stress about it right now.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 3, 2018 16:21:40 GMT
Thanks so much...I spoke with a friend and she said that it was good that i set a boundary for myself...that i don't owe B anything. But man....this is hard...boundaries feel like i am abandoning him.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 3, 2018 16:33:40 GMT
Thanks so much...I spoke with a friend and she said that it was good that i set a boundary for myself...that i don't owe B anything. But man....this is hard...boundaries feel like i am abandoning him. Boundaries are needed in every healthy relationship  If you don't use them you'll abandon someone... and that someone is you. If this helps: terricole.com/boundaries-foundation-healthy-relationships/ this woman has a lot of videos and podcasts about it. Take care, lovely lady! |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 3, 2018 19:12:53 GMT
Yes...but....i don't feel that i put a secure boundary up...i just did not reply or go and talk to him...which feels so very much like avoiding things.
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Post by epicgum on Sept 3, 2018 19:49:49 GMT
Yes...but....i don't feel that i put a secure boundary up...i just did not reply or go and talk to him...which feels so very much like avoiding things. you should consider just blocking his number |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 4, 2018 13:28:20 GMT
epicgum ...i get what you are saying...but, i am not ready to take that step. In fairness, i had not made it clear to B that i was planning to make this my last event with the group, nor did i ask for him to not contact me. Blocking him with no explanation (in my thinking) is hurtful. I will instead craft an email that explains that i need more time. He has in the past respected that request. Yesterday he sent me a text that said i wish my presense in the group did not cause you to go incognito. At first i thought he had used the word hope instead of wish and i appreciated his empathy. When i read it as it was, i felt that old pain of not being where he wants me to be. I get the underlying frustration...it has been over a year...but i also appreciate (perhaps for the first time) that i am different from him and as such..i have to honor that my healing will take more time. It is not his fault...i recognize that this is my pain, it is my emotions...but i want to do what is right for me instead of catering to what he wants. So...i will take care of me by removing myself from the group and allowing myself to properly grieve instead of hoping that if i do certain things he will want me again.
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 4, 2018 23:38:53 GMT
I agree with lilyg-- healthy boundaries, you don't owe him an explanation. I know what you mean though, that it can feel like being the one doing some form of abandonment or even betrayal, loss of integrity, etc.
I think it may be a form of projection-- that is, projecting the loss we would feel in the situation onto the other person who may or may not be feeling such a loss.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 3:20:01 GMT
I agree with lilyg-- healthy boundaries, you don't owe him an explanation. I know what you mean though, that it can feel like being the one doing some form of abandonment or even betrayal, loss of integrity, etc. I think it may be a form of projection-- that is, projecting the loss we would feel in the situation onto the other person who may or may not be feeling such a loss. I get that...and yet....it does not feel right...it does not feel like care to ignore him. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 5, 2018 3:45:12 GMT
Yesterday he sent me a text that said i wish my presense in the group did not cause you to go incognito. At first i thought he had used the word hope instead of wish and i appreciated his empathy. When i read it as it was, i felt that old pain of not being where he wants me to be. I get the underlying frustration...it has been over a year...but i also appreciate (perhaps for the first time) that i am different from him and as such..i have to honor that my healing will take more time. It is not his fault...i recognize that this is my pain, it is my emotions...but i want to do what is right for me instead of catering to what he wants. I'm sorry you had a minor setback, but I think recognizing this is a great step forward, too! Take the steps you're ready for, and keep turning the focus back to yourself. You'll still get to where you're trying to go. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 5, 2018 4:28:58 GMT
I disagree that it's healthy boundary enforcement to ignore someone and never tell them why and am surprised people are encouraging that. That sounds like avoidant behavior. Personally I think healthy boundaries should be expressed (in most cases, obviously there are exceptions). It's true that we can project how we would feel if someone avoided us onto the other person. However I think one should try to be clear and communicate one's needs for one's own benefit. We need to learn how to identify and express our needs and why we do things. So, while I am not in support of some guilty apology, I am in support of saying something. Once I ignored an ex who I saw on the street and then I texted him and told him exactly why, with no apologies, and I felt a lot better. tnr9 Are you doing ok?? |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 11:31:40 GMT
I disagree that it's healthy boundary enforcement to ignore someone and never tell them why and am surprised people are encouraging that. That sounds like avoidant behavior. Personally I think healthy boundaries should be expressed (in most cases, obviously there are exceptions). It's true that we can project how we would feel if someone avoided us onto the other person. However I think one should try to be clear and communicate one's needs for one's own benefit. We need to learn how to identify and express our needs and why we do things. So, while I am not in support of some guilty apology, I am in support of saying something. Once I ignored an ex who I saw on the street and then I texted him and told him exactly why, with no apologies, and I felt a lot better. tnr9 Are you doing ok?? It was a rough night last night...I kept thinking about what I want to say..balancing it between what I want to express and how to express it in a way that he will hear it. I am going to email him....text just does not feel right. I admit that I was grateful he reached out on Monday as I felt so much guilt on Sunday for not texting him back, not seeing him. Having him text me has cleared the way for me to respond out of love and not fear. This is what I have come up with: Hey B, I wanted to let you know that after much prayer and reflection, that I am leaving (the community group). I love, respect and care so much for you that I want you to be able to enjoy all that the group has to offer. Out of love, care and respect for myself, I realize that I need more time to process through my feelings and being in community with you just is not working for me. I wish you all the best. I want to keep it short because men do best with headlines. I admit that I am sad..truthfully I am numb....this is not comfortable for me at all. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2018 12:12:04 GMT
It was a rough night last night...I kept thinking about what I want to say..balancing it between what I want to express and how to express it in a way that he will hear it. I am going to email him....text just does not feel right. I admit that I was grateful he reached out on Monday as I felt so much guilt on Sunday for not texting him back, not seeing him. Having him text me has cleared the way for me to respond out of love and not fear. This is what I have come up with: Hey B, I wanted to let you know that after much prayer and reflection, that I am leaving (the community group). I love, respect and care so much for you that I want you to be able to enjoy all that the group has to offer. Out of love, care and respect for myself, I realize that I need more time to process through my feelings and being in community with you just is not working for me. I wish you all the best. I want to keep it short because men do best with headlines. I admit that I am sad..truthfully I am numb....this is not comfortable for me at all. I have a different take on this. Being AP and becoming very aware (and shocked) at my own protest behavior, this is what I recognize. This is a guilt trip which, in the end, should he just say "ok, I understand" you will feel crushed. You're setting yourself (and him) up. You are not in a relationship with this man. If you are truly wanting/needing to leave the group for yourself, then just leave. If he texts you asking why you're gone, simply say "I have some personal issues that I need to focus on". Let him wish you well and move on. It's not his business what's specifically going on with you. Why put him in a position to beg you to stay or let you go, which will hurt you both further? Honestly, it comes off as drama, a swan song. This is AP protest behavior. You are still making him responsible for your feelings. I say this with love because I struggle with it myself DAILY. I catch it and have to stop myself CONSTANTLY and it sucks! In the end, he will have more respect for you (and so will you!!) Without the drama.❤ Hey Future..I understand that this can come across as a desire for him to beg me to stay...but in truth...that is not what I am seeking and the above is truly how I feel. He actually offered to leave the group but his email was full of statements that were contradictory and I knew he really did not want to leave. He and I actually discussed that i don't want him to leave because of my inability to move on. I don't want to stay silent until Sunday....that seems to be too much time plus I don't want him to think it was a result of him coming to the beach. So I want to let him know my intentions ahead of time. I recognize that I can't see him, I can't be friends with him...I have to let him go and seeing him week after week hurts...so out of compassion for myself, I am leaving the group. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 12:44:59 GMT
You are serving no purpose to tell him this. You are never going to heal unless you are honest with yourself. You are putting a guilt trip on a man who broke up with you well over a year ago. You need to get real. This is your issue, not his. You keep doing the same thing over and over. How's that working for you? You can't kidd a kidder. I've been the queen of protest behavior and I see you clearly. You are hurting yourself (and him). Drama! |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 5, 2018 13:05:38 GMT
I agree, I wouldn't text him. It won't make you feel better, and what can he possibly do with that mail? You won't feel good with his reaction. Don't put yourself on that position  I don't know what that group entails and why you have to tell him that you're leaving, but this email seems like a very emotional breakup all over again. I had a guy do that with me for 3 months after I told him I couldn't keep seeing him, sending me emails about his feelings and leaving my side and really emotional things and he put me in a position that whatever I tried saying nothing was ok. I couldn't help him feel better. I really felt for him but these actions destroyed the image I had of him. Please reach to a friend or write here when you're feeling sad. I understand the feeling on wanting closure but it'll come from within. If you feel the need for people (including him) to know that you're leaving the group, maybe you can tell them simply: I wanted to let you know that after some thought, that I am leaving the community group. I'm focusing on other things right now and I need more time for myself. Thank you for understanding and wishing all the best! See you around later. |
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If you don't use them you'll abandon someone... and that someone is you.
I don't know what that group entails and why you have to tell him that you're leaving, but this email seems like a very emotional breakup all over again. I had a guy do that with me for 3 months after I told him I couldn't keep seeing him, sending me emails about his feelings and leaving my side and really emotional things and he put me in a position that whatever I tried saying nothing was ok. I couldn't help him feel better. I really felt for him but these actions destroyed the image I had of him. Please reach to a friend or write here when you're feeling sad. I understand the feeling on wanting closure but it'll come from within.