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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 19:16:58 GMT
@mary , i do hear you expressing a kind of protective or caretaking role with him.
it's not uncommon for us DA to neglect our needs and wellbeing for the sake of caretaking, and we may tell ourselves we can "handle it" because that's what we are used to doing- soothing ourselves and being depended on when others are in need also.
So, that may be one of your hooks to dysfunction- being the dependable strong one, the kind one, the reasonable, generous, most awesomist person in the room, to avoid criticism or whatever it is that the payoff is.
have you been able to explore that? I have a genuine heart for people, but i had to spend my entire life trying to prove i'm not the devil incarnate to a very abusovw mother who scapegoated me and projected all her bad behavior on to me. So, i felt i had to be over-nice and accommodating to counter that. in truth, the pain of what she accused me of was so unbearable and wrong, that i would kiss anyone's ass to avoid hearing it from anyone else. she told me that everyone felt about me the same way about me that she did, and i was brainwashed to believe that was true. i felt misundetstood, and i didn't think i was awful- but i thought i had to PROVE IT. I don't. neither do you.
so- not everyone has that kind of background but any pressure you've had to prove yourself could influence your dynamic with this hurtful partner.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 6, 2018 19:38:22 GMT
I was only going to say that you can care about someone and still recognize that that person is not a good fit. I wonder if he has a bit of narcissist going on. That would explain a bit the high opinion of self (which is more of a shield then truly being self esteem) as well as the lack of respect/understanding towards you. Regardless..it sounds like he downplays things that hurt you and that is not ok. Also, regardless of how willing he appears to want to change, we all know that change is only truly effective when you want to make that change for yourself.
I do agree with Juniper that it is worthwhile to explore why you feel protective towards this man. Does that tie back to anything from your past.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 20:26:28 GMT
@mary , i do hear you expressing a kind of protective or caretaking role with him. it's not uncommon for us DA to neglect our needs and wellbeing for the sake of caretaking, and we may tell ourselves we can "handle it" because that's what we are used to doing- soothing ourselves and being depended on when others are in need also. So, that may be one of your hooks to dysfunction- being the dependable strong one, the kind one, the reasonable, generous, most awesomist person in the room, to avoid criticism or whatever it is that the payoff is. have you been able to explore that? I have a genuine heart for people, but i had to spend my entire life trying to prove i'm not the devil incarnate to a very abusovw mother who scapegoated me and projected all her bad behavior on to me. So, i felt i had to be over-nice and accommodating to counter that. in truth, the pain of what she accused me of was so unbearable and wrong, that i would kiss anyone's ass to avoid hearing it from anyone else. she told me that everyone felt about me the same way about me that she did, and i was brainwashed to believe that was true. i felt misundetstood, and i didn't think i was awful- but i thought i had to PROVE IT. I don't. neither do you. so- not everyone has that kind of background but any pressure you've had to prove yourself could influence your dynamic with this hurtful partner. Yes, you nailed it. I don't have needs and I am the caretaker. The product of an abusive mother and a passive father. I protected and cared for my younger brother. As a 7 year old "mother", I tried my best but he still became an addict and died. I'm still trying to get my happy ending to that story and save someone. i'm sorry about your brother, i am very sorry. turn to your grief, and all the feelings that surround that kind of powerlessness. you can be free, once and for all, from that script. hugs. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 21:35:53 GMT
Thank you juniper. I guess most of us on this board has had a rough time of it in the past. Thank you for reminding me of this script. I know that it has effected me greatly in relationships, but I hadn't really thought about it in this context. It's a good reminder. Hugs back to you and all who have replied on this thread and in this forum. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 23:01:47 GMT
Thank you juniper. I guess most of us on this board has had a rough time of it in the past. Thank you for reminding me of this script. I know that it has effected me greatly in relationships, but I hadn't really thought about it in this context. It's a good reminder. Hugs back to you and all who have replied on this thread and in this forum. the old programming is so pervasive and destructive. time to change it up 🌸 |
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Post by notalone on Sept 7, 2018 3:41:43 GMT
I know it’s hard to let go when you really care about someone. I like the idea of going no contact for a set period of time, it’s easier to mentally digest. It can be really hard for me to not respond also. I was dating a guy and it was dysfunctional so I ended it but stayed in contact and the contact just messed me up. I stopped contacting him for a month then last week he texted me and I just froze. My friend was with me and asked what just happened. I explained and she said I need to delete the text. I resisted hard but she kept insisting until I agreed to let her delete it. I feel really good about that now. I told my therapist and he said next time he messages to ask myself what my friend would do. Maybe you can ask yourself what Juniper would do, or what would a secure would do? Any time I think about contact with him I remind myself that contact with him is taking steps backwards for me, I’ve wasted too much of my life in dysfunction, and I WANT to move forward, not back, even if my mind gets clouded by emotions. I agree with everyone here that it sounds like he really needs to do his own work before he can have a healthy relationship. Your original question was what is more kind to him. To me it sounds like keeping in contact and/or if you rekindle soon it will be unkind to both of you, because it doesn’t sound like it would be healthy.
I also wanted to say how sorry I am about your brother. We certainly are not all dealt the same hand in life. My brother suffers from schizophrenia, which brings a different kind of experience of loss. When he got sick it’s like he went away and never came back. He refuses treatment and there’s no end in sight. It’s painful. Not to compare. I can’t imagine what it’s like to see your brother suffer through addiction then pass away. It’s just to say that I’m so sorry and I feel a lot of pain around my brother too, and sadness that I haven’t been able to help him.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 7, 2018 7:26:03 GMT
@mary, I don't know you nor your ex, but I feel like adding my two cents: If I were you, I'd take at least a month of no contact to sort my feelings. And, at least for the time being, do not go to couples therapy with him. He'll have a hard time at first but I'm sure both of you will have a clearer mind after a bit of time apart. Let him sort it out by individual therapy first. It's what most professionals recommend. I may me projecting but my last relationship started to get worse and worse after an incident like this. I now understand it was the way he reacted when anxious, but he never understood it. He also saw himself as a very secure person with high self-esteem. He had a lot of great qualities as a boyfriend and person, I really cared for him and I know he cared for me in his own way, but not enough good things could cover the way he was when directing his anger and disrespect towards me. When we broke up I took time for myself with no contact and then took the best decision for me. At least your ex knows he messed up with the racist remark but if he cannot get at the core of the problem, as juniper says, there will be more incidents. It's not about one 'racist joke' but his general way of thinking about himself and others. We all can do bad things sometimes but you should think if this is a problem you'll keep having in the future. I think that is the most important think you should reflect upon (but not on couple's therapy). I'm truly sorry for your brother. You seem like a strong, caring soul. I hope that whatever you choose to do you, you can have that happy ending and be a hero to yourself  |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 14:26:40 GMT
I know it’s hard to let go when you really care about someone. I like the idea of going no contact for a set period of time, it’s easier to mentally digest. It can be really hard for me to not respond also. I was dating a guy and it was dysfunctional so I ended it but stayed in contact and the contact just messed me up. I stopped contacting him for a month then last week he texted me and I just froze. My friend was with me and asked what just happened. I explained and she said I need to delete the text. I resisted hard but she kept insisting until I agreed to let her delete it. I feel really good about that now. I told my therapist and he said next time he messages to ask myself what my friend would do. Maybe you can ask yourself what Juniper would do, or what would a secure would do? Any time I think about contact with him I remind myself that contact with him is taking steps backwards for me, I’ve wasted too much of my life in dysfunction, and I WANT to move forward, not back, even if my mind gets clouded by emotions. I agree with everyone here that it sounds like he really needs to do his own work before he can have a healthy relationship. Your original question was what is more kind to him. To me it sounds like keeping in contact and/or if you rekindle soon it will be unkind to both of you, because it doesn’t sound like it would be healthy. I also wanted to say how sorry I am about your brother. We certainly are not all dealt the same hand in life. My brother suffers from schizophrenia, which brings a different kind of experience of loss. When he got sick it’s like he went away and never came back. He refuses treatment and there’s no end in sight. It’s painful. Not to compare. I can’t imagine what it’s like to see your brother suffer through addiction then pass away. It’s just to say that I’m so sorry and I feel a lot of pain around my brother too, and sadness that I haven’t been able to help him. Yes, this is different for me. This is the first time in my life that it's been harder to let go and not respond. I say harder, because it is no way the agony I see on this board others have. I can easily do it still , but I think about the implications more. Before, It was easy for me to walk away and not look back without thinking. I would like to think it's that I am becoming more aware, more open to vulnerability, but it's hard to say. I am still "picking" the same partners that don't end well. I am still addicted to the chemistry of it. Thank you for the kind words. I am sorry your brother is suffering. That has been the pain that I can't let go and is incredibly difficult although it has been many years since has has passed. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 14:36:11 GMT
@mary , I don't know you nor your ex, but I feel like adding my two cents: If I were you, I'd take at least a month of no contact to sort my feelings. And, at least for the time being, do not go to couples therapy with him. He'll have a hard time at first but I'm sure both of you will have a clearer mind after a bit of time apart. Let him sort it out by individual therapy first. It's what most professionals recommend. I may me projecting but my last relationship started to get worse and worse after an incident like this. I now understand it was the way he reacted when anxious, but he never understood it. He also saw himself as a very secure person with high self-esteem. He had a lot of great qualities as a boyfriend and person, I really cared for him and I know he cared for me in his own way, but not enough good things could cover the way he was when directing his anger and disrespect towards me. When we broke up I took time for myself with no contact and then took the best decision for me. At least your ex knows he messed up with the racist remark but if he cannot get at the core of the problem, as juniper says, there will be more incidents. It's not about one 'racist joke' but his general way of thinking about himself and others. We all can do bad things sometimes but you should think if this is a problem you'll keep having in the future. I think that is the most important think you should reflect upon (but not on couple's therapy). I'm truly sorry for your brother. You seem like a strong, caring soul. I hope that whatever you choose to do you, you can have that happy ending and be a hero to yourself Your situation sounds very similar. It's so hard to love the good things and hate the bad things simultaneously, right? It's like the 10% bad was so bad, it took over the 90% that was good. It's so heartbreaking. I guess I worked at it so long with him because I have issues and I understand other people have issues and I understand we all are a product of our past. No one chooses to have a shitty past. But I know that something just broke between us after that incident and other incidents that occurred. It's like a broken vase. You can glue it back together, but the cracks are still there. Thank you for the post. It means a lot to me. |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 8, 2018 6:48:31 GMT
@mary , I don't know you nor your ex, but I feel like adding my two cents: If I were you, I'd take at least a month of no contact to sort my feelings. And, at least for the time being, do not go to couples therapy with him. He'll have a hard time at first but I'm sure both of you will have a clearer mind after a bit of time apart. Let him sort it out by individual therapy first. It's what most professionals recommend. I may me projecting but my last relationship started to get worse and worse after an incident like this. I now understand it was the way he reacted when anxious, but he never understood it. He also saw himself as a very secure person with high self-esteem. He had a lot of great qualities as a boyfriend and person, I really cared for him and I know he cared for me in his own way, but not enough good things could cover the way he was when directing his anger and disrespect towards me. When we broke up I took time for myself with no contact and then took the best decision for me. At least your ex knows he messed up with the racist remark but if he cannot get at the core of the problem, as juniper says, there will be more incidents. It's not about one 'racist joke' but his general way of thinking about himself and others. We all can do bad things sometimes but you should think if this is a problem you'll keep having in the future. I think that is the most important think you should reflect upon (but not on couple's therapy). I'm truly sorry for your brother. You seem like a strong, caring soul. I hope that whatever you choose to do you, you can have that happy ending and be a hero to yourself Your situation sounds very similar. It's so hard to love the good things and hate the bad things simultaneously, right? It's like the 10% bad was so bad, it took over the 90% that was good. It's so heartbreaking. I guess I worked at it so long with him because I have issues and I understand other people have issues and I understand we all are a product of our past. No one chooses to have a shitty past. But I know that something just broke between us after that incident and other incidents that occurred. It's like a broken vase. You can glue it back together, but the cracks are still there. Thank you for the post. It means a lot to me. I totally understand! My ex was my first 'adult relationship'. He started to go nastier and nastier with me and others when something wasn't going his way, but didn't think much of it. Like he was just reacting accordingly and everything he did was a consecuence of my actions and 'attitude'. It's the way he's been raised (an abusive father). I actually told him he needed to go to therapy because I felt his work was stressing him and he was lashing out. He went once and decided not to return. My ex was actually... A therapist! Hahaha a very angry one at home. It actually ended on a very dramatic way for me after an incident and I decided to leave. No amount of good things are enough for me ignoring my safety and self-worth. It was hard but the best thing that could ever happen to me 🙂 not telling you this is your case at all, of course. But if he wants to be with you he needs time to change and really think on his reactions when he gets angry or triggered. My ex never did and it does not get better. He has to own himself and not just his 'joke'. Take time for you to think if this man it's one you can count on to be your true equal partner 🙂 and trust your therapist, no couple's therapist for now. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2018 15:37:00 GMT
lilyg I agree, it's not worth it. We have to love ourselves first, which is what I told my ex. I'm glad you were able to move on and find peace with your situation.
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Post by faithopelove on Sept 30, 2018 17:45:31 GMT
Hi Mary- being an AP myself moving to secure and having a FA who broke up with me, I can see the flip side of this coin. My ex and I still see each other casually a few times a month- I still text and he is responsive, and although he tells me he feels incapable of being in a relationship, that he thinks there is something “wrong” with him, I hold onto hope. It’s been 10 months post break and I’m still hoping he’ll come around if I’m warm, patient and understanding - keeping my anxious ways in check. Although he keeps me at arm’s length, seeing him and texting him has kept faith and hope alive in me. As an AP, I can honestly say it would be MUCH kinder to cut all communication and be completely honest about your intention to NOT get back together- if you know that’s how you feel. The pain may be great at first but I can say that ultimately your ex will heal faster and benefit from not holding onto false hope. Each time my ex steps back I feel my wound is being reopened and salt is being poured on it. I feel fresh pain all over again.
For his sake, I’d go no contact and allow him the space and time he needs to heal from this heart break. Even going to therapy w him, going any place with him will reinforce his hope and inadvertently string him along. My ex told me he doesn’t want to string me along, but I willingly remain in contact with him and initiate it bc I feel he will come around in time. I’m going on blind faith but if we broke all contact 10 months ago, I’d probably be over him by now or at least not feeling the effects of his hot/cold behavior. Do the kind thing for him- go no contact. 💗
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Post by cris88 on Sept 30, 2018 22:34:25 GMT
I do think is best to cut all contact. Something I never understood of being the AP in the relationship is why if I always instigated for him to go after what he reeaaally wanted he always stayed. It would have been healthier and more compassionate if he said 'no' bluntly. A friendship is always nice if the other person feels nothing romantic towards you, otherwise it's constant pain. Now, I know we are not perfect and relationships help you grow and understand certain things about oneself (like making racist jokes is awful even if it's a joke or lashing out because someone has a ladies problem and need to attend it). I think the best is to be able to say sorry in a sincere way (from him) no one is perfect and should not be expected to. Still, if he is not what you want let him go. Tell him the reason though. Say it's because you don't want to hurt him by keeping in touch, that you both need the distance, that you appreciate him as a person but right now you both need time to heal and to honor your relationship is best to cut ties now. Don't promise a future because he may be counting the days and the hours until it comes. I prefer to tackle my own anxiety and pain by myself than halting my growth because I'm focusing on someone else to validate me. It's nice of you to think of him. It says you care for him |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 1, 2018 2:57:28 GMT
faithopelove and cris88 , I thank you both for your comments. Even though I am not positive that he and I do not have a future, I have cut contact for now. We did have some left over obligations, which entailed some contact, but that is now done. I am not going to initiate contact for now. He was not in agreement, but at this point, the trust is broken for me and I can't see how it can be repaired. There is no relationship without trust. If he were to understand, make a heartfelt apology and make steps to repair the trust, I would reconsider friendship or more. But it's the right thing at the moment for both of us I think to remain apart. I miss him. Sounds like you made the right choice even though it’s not easy. Give it some time 💗 |
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