Welp... annoyed but I'll live!

😊 text him about the news, but if you're both ok maybe you can call him on it playfully.

If you believe he is not making this ok purpose try not taking it personally (I know! Easier said than done! I had a freak out too . But I'd tell him in person that it is important for you. Even with a one word, and of course when he can. That you can understand if he cannot talk and not expect a lenghty conversation, but it's rude not to answer and makes you guess if that channel is open for communication.

I want to preface this that, as always, what I say is just based on analyzing my own behavior and that of FAs I've dated and been friends with, combined with everything I've read on the topic. It has only been weeks since I even started accepting that my main attachment style is FA, so bear that in mind, but it was like a curtain was lifted. Obviously just because someone displays traits of FA attachment does not make us all the same, but I can offer insight into what has gone on in my mind when I have done things, and share what I have/haven't found effective in communicating with FA people (esp when I was feeling particularly AP) or what they've told me (the latter may need to wait for another post, as this one is already going to be long).

I suspect most people don't know what they are doing. I have only initiated plans with anyone once or twice in the past month+. I'm a pretty social person, I've accepted invitations, and I probably wouldn't have even realized that I didn't initiate any except that I purposely thought about it. I think if you have set up a pattern with someone of always being the one to do the asking, it may be difficult to change that, and it may result in you seeing them less. The FA person might be content to see you less often. Or they may realize after a while (and it could be a long while) that they haven't seen as much of you and start reaching out to you more, perhaps indirectly hinting they want to / are free to get together, or even initiating plans themselves if their hints don't work.

As far as withdrawing when it's getting close to a time that it would be normal to make plans, again that can be without any awareness. Sometimes I might be feeling overwhelmed and not wanting to decide in advance what I'm doing. Sometimes I might want some time to myself or already have other plans. Sometimes I might be thinking I need to crack down on work as the end of the week nears rather than texting people so much. Or I might be imagining that if my weekend is free of commitments that I will finally be able to finish some project or responsibility or catch up on sleep. I am almost never purposely communicating with people less when I suspect they will want to do something, but it can happen, if someone is being very AP and/or they are someone I actually don't want to see.

Like right now, I have drawn back from replying to someone's texts because it is a guy who wants to go on a date with me. He sent me a couple texts just making conversation and I replied because, well, I think it's rude to not reply to someone and I also don't have anything against him or reason to tell him I don't want any contact with him. But I could sense that he was going to be encouraged to ask me to see him in person because I'd been responding to him, so I tried to take longer before replying, and sure enough he just asked me if I want to go on a walk with him. Now I am not replying at all while I think of what to say. But my brain wanted to frame it as, "I am just too busy writing this post to reply to him right now."

I am going to tell him that I never want to go out with him, but many FA people might not be so clear. They might not even want to make a decision as to whether they never want to go out with him. They might not be thinking about all this stuff as much as I am. Some might just not reply, give an excuse (which may feel real!), or even accept the invitation and then ghost or flake. They might even do those things to a guy they actually DO want to go out with. And any of these things may all be done with little awareness as to why they are doing it.

So, really don't take it personally. It can be very hard to tell the difference between an FA who doesn't want to see you, one who is secretly hoping you will initiate things, and one who just isn't thinking about it because they are feeling overwhelmed by things that have little to do with you. We often feel overwhelmed, and we often struggle with depression. As one person put it in a thread back when I was puzzling over my FA ex, maybe his dog died. I think the solution in any case is to work on being more secure.

alexandra It was you! haha

kristyrose and anyone else who is interested:

If I am honest, I think my default would be to never go out or make plans with people and the only reason I make plans with anyone is because I know this about myself and want to force myself into doing things, as I am very aware that it does not actually make me feel good to not do things with people. Or I will also do it when I am pulled into feeling more AP. If I'm feeling AP I will chase someone and initiate plans with them, provided I am not trying my damnedest to not act AP. I read some blog or something once that suggested that an AP person dating an FA person should act more avoidant themselves in order to get the FA person to be more AP, and while I don't necessarily think that is healthy, I can see why it could potentially be effective–I can also see how it could backfire though. Becoming more secure on the other hand, that will change the dynamic of the relationship: it may make it less exciting but it will be less stressful.

On the topic of text communication, it's important to provide value for the other person. Even if you want to know how someone's day is going, or want to show them that you are not self-centered, or just want an excuse to text them to keep the conversation going because you want to be in frequent communication, what about what the other person wants/needs? What if they don't find talking about their day at all interesting and it feels like a chore? What about considering the kinds of texts that do seem to engage them? For example, for me and others I know, I often appreciate texts that do not put pressure on me, like something funny that leaves me room to reply with something funny. Not that it should only ever be that, of course.

While I don't want to encourage AP "score-keeping," I do encourage you to pay attention if someone's texts are much shorter or farther between than yours or than is usual for them. They might be busy. They might not like texting as much as you.

One man I know, who is quite secure and maybe slightly DA, told me he feels like texts are an obnoxious intrusion when he is busy, that he finds it very hard to multi-task and finds texts annoying while he is at work unless it is something that actually needs to be communicated about right then or it's about something that is a problem for him to help fix. He felt he was speaking for his entire gender and I had to tell him not everyone is like that, some men seem happy to have a distraction from work and will initiate it themselves, but I bring this up as a reminder that it's important to be sensitive about how different people feel differently about texting and that's ok.

As far as text questions in general going unanswered, I find it helpful to not always just let it go. One gentle way to do this would be to rephrase the question or make it more specific and ask again. Another gentle way to do this is to ask if they didn't answer it for xyz reason. Think of a possible reason, that is not coming from a place of AP fear, like don't ask them, "Did you not reply to that because you don't love me?" (I'm being dramatic but you get the idea). Something more like, "Did you not reply to that because you didn't know what to say?"

Note that it's also really common for someone to not reply to something because you said too many different things at once and they just chose one or two that stood out to reply to.

If I look at the most AP person I know, she will ask vague things like how I am with the purpose of not appearing self-centered, but she IS really self-centered and will direct the conversation back to her, or she'll use it as an opener just so I will say "And how are you?" back and she can send me a novel. That doesn't feel good.

It's definitely a double standard that he gets do upset when you don't respond right away yet he does it all the time. That would be annoying for sure. False expectations and keeping tabs about him texting you or not, when he texts etc will only keep you unhappy. You have no control over what he does, whether it's fair or not. He does what he does and after all this time, you know logically what his behavior will be (inconsistent) yet you keep hoping it will change. The double standard is not a sign of respect. Perhaps it is the signs of disrespect that is the basis for the reaction.

Also, very happy that you got the job offer!

kristyrose You have a lot on your plate. What are you deciding if you can/can't live with? What are your options? If you feel like talking about it.

Hey there.

I'm trying to decide, or have been for some time on and off whether or not I can live with the way things are with my ex. Sometimes I feel like I can just leave things be and enjoy our time, but there are moments where I feel too much uncertainty and I want to stop seeing him and have some peace. For instance, he says he wants to be regular friends which would imply behaving as such but he never acts this way with me, we carry on like we are dating. He said in January that he wanted to dates others, he hasn't and it's almost Oct. He will say he wants a weekend alone so of course I leave him be, then a day later will text to hang out. This type of behavior makes me feel quite unsettled and if I point it out, he merely denies it because I truly believe he cannot even see it himself. He will spend an hour or two even on the phone with me to discuss how to better communicate and stay in each others lives, while simultaneously implying our friendship doesn't mean that much, then turn around and say we have our whole lives to hang out and be in each others lives. I'm sure you can see why/how I get confused. If I leave things as they are, I essentially get what I want which is to spend time with him and for us to be close, but it has to appear all on his terms and I'm not sure I can live with that much longer. I want some peace in this and part of that is letting go and accepting, however another part I feel is for me to get some needs met too. I have tried to voice how I feel in the past, but when I do he is adamant about the fact that we are not in a relationship of any kind- he reminds me over and over even when I do not bring it up. And yet, neither one of us can move on. We enjoy being together and so I take that at face value and focus on other things for now.

I have a chronic health condition, have had it since I was a child, the past 2 years it has gotten harder to control so I've been trying out new medications which can make me sick. I also have an MRI scheduled next tuesday that I'm nervous about and I had to turn down the job offer due to my health. I think all of that has gotten to me and I feel really vulnerable and scared right now. 

Sorry didn't respond sooner, had a busy day yesterday, but thank you for reaching out