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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 0:16:15 GMT
Hey everyone,
So... all week I have been negotiating a job offer that I've been hesitant to take due to my chronic health condition, however the money and benefits are so amazing and could really be a life changer, so I'm considering taking it.
In the meantime, my ex has been incredibly present, texting asking me to talk to help me sort out the pro and cons. We have been talking all week, it's been great having him in my corner.
Yesterday around 5 I told him I would keep him posted on next steps and asked how his day was going- I didn't want it to be all about my job as I know he has his own stressors of course.
He didn't rely and its been 24 hours.
Now, this is typical and not a huge deal, he doesn't have to respond right away, but- he will do this... when the weekend approaches he will communicate way less or stop all together until i text yet again a day later. He probably thinks oh she will text me when theres an update, but he will sidestep a simple how was your day question at any given time and for no reason. It is so irritating and he is used to my accepting his selective responses and acting as if I asked nothing. So, I am just going to not send another text or give him an update at this time until I hear from him. It's a small thing yes, but a big thing for me in keeping my power and not putting up with this small but annoying BS!
If I don't respond to him timely, he will blow up my phone. So, I'm not allowed to do this and frankly, neither should he.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 15, 2018 0:25:09 GMT
Have you talked to him about this? (by this I mean how he doesn't reply when you ask how his day is)
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 0:26:09 GMT
Yes and he gets defensive and says we are not obligated to respond right away or he will say oh was just busy and had a regular day so didn't have anything to say.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 15, 2018 0:41:48 GMT
Yes and he gets defensive and says we are not obligated to respond right away or he will say oh was just busy and had a regular day so didn't have anything to say. It's very possible that is what he believes. He's probably not intentionally not replying. Is it necessary to ask him how his day is? I have an aversion to that question as well. It makes me feel pressured to be the one to carry the conversation, to come up with something interesting to say, and it also doesn't feel like an important question yet kind of puts the pressure on for a quick reply, since it's asking about what is happening right then or recently. Then if I don't have time to think of a good reply (replying "It's fine," feels boring and pointless) and I realize it's way later or the next day, it feels dumb and pointless to reply, "Oh my day yesterday was ok." I'm not saying it's not rude of him to just leave it hanging forever until you double text him, but just providing a perspective on what goes on in my head when someone asks me that. People often like helping with something, like helping you with your job decision, and will make time to text about it, because it makes them feel needed, whereas asking them a generic how's your day going does not. Do you think that he communicates less when it gets close to the weekend because he is subconsciously avoiding making plans with you for the weekend? Or...? |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 0:45:52 GMT
I hear you and I appreciate your perspective.
I think he does really believe that it's not necessary to respond and i honestly don't take it personally, but I do find it rude. I only ask him on occasion when we have texted and communicated a lot and if its been solely about me, I want to change the subject and see how he is. That's all, it's pretty benign and he usually will tell me. But he has this thing about controlling when and how etc., but again if he wants to know what I am doing, who I am with he will text it and then text again or even send an email to get my attention.
I do think he communicates less to avoid making plans- he will make them anyway with me, either saturday morning or late friday night, or I have already initiated plan making by thursday to take the edge off, but yes. It's a crazy marked pattern that I honestly just let go and know and expect that's what he will do.
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 0:52:27 GMT
I'm posting on here to avoid texting him again. I'm pissed and I don't want to come across as such and I don't feel like chasing him down for a response. SIGH. UGH.
thank you for replying though... helps take the edge off! :-)
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 15, 2018 0:57:35 GMT
My take from similar experiences in my past:
I wonder if some attachment style types say, "How was your day?""How have you been?" etc. as code for "I really hope this person gives me some kind of real information about their day that can lead to more of a conversation or get us slightly closer."
And for some attachment styles it's just a common pleasantry that people say that doesn't actually warrant a response.
Also it is kind of an over-arching vague question, maybe some people don't know where to start....
I wonder if you asked him a more specific question somehow (next time) if you'd be more likely to get a response.
Not that that would solve the challenge of two people not being on the same page...
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 1:00:22 GMT
In his case, I think he likes to keep things private whenever the mood strikes him. Honestly he has done this kind of selective communication since the day I met him.
What makes it frustrating, is that it's entirely one-sided so if I fail to respond to an inquiry he will keep texting til he gets his response.
Also, he is very used to me sending a follow up text a day later so that he doesn't have to address any questions. He will do this with any kind of question really, doesn't even have to be as simple as how was your day-- and I really only asked to be considerate and not dominate the whole conversation.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 15, 2018 1:05:47 GMT
Would you perhaps be willing to consider instead of "keeping score" of things like who is replying fastest, which is an AP tendency, and thinking about how it's not fair if he expects you to reply promptly yet sometimes doesn't himself, focussing more on communicating with him in ways that do work?
Are you sure you don't take it personally when he doesn't reply to something?
I don't know about you, but when I am feeling secure it really doesn't even bother me if someone doesn't reply to something, but when I'm feeling AP it sure does.
You can show an interest in him and keep the conversation from being all about you without ever asking him how his day is going (even if sometimes he does reply to that question). It's not a good conversation starter for a lot of people. Maybe asking about something that is a bit less broad? I have lots of ideas about how to have good text conversations and have hugely improved my text conversation with people over the past few years.
Yes, post here rather than texting him while you're feeling annoyed. Good idea.
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 1:08:53 GMT
Would you perhaps be willing to consider instead of "keeping score" of things like who is replying fastest, which is an AP tendency, and thinking about how it's not fair if he expects you to reply promptly yet sometimes doesn't himself, focussing more on communicating with him in ways that do work? Are you sure you don't take it personally when he doesn't reply to something? I don't know about you, but when I am feeling secure it really doesn't even bother me if someone doesn't reply to something, but when I'm feeling AP it sure does. You can show an interest in him and keep the conversation from being all about you without ever asking him how his day is going (even if sometimes he does reply to that question). It's not a good conversation starter for a lot of people. Maybe asking about something that is a bit less broad? I have lots of ideas about how to have good text conversations and have hugely improved my text conversation with people over the past few years. Yes, post here rather than texting him while you're feeling annoyed. Good idea. Thank you for this. Well yes, I'm now taking it personally! haha! Its not so much keeping score on who responds faster, I guess its more like his expectations and how his should be met and mine go by the wayside. I guess I dont' know how to work with that piece of the comms. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 1:11:04 GMT
And, I DO have an update on the job to share with him, but I'm annoyed and maybe being SUPER AP now by not being real in just sharing my news and understanding he is literally just doing what he usually does-?
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 15, 2018 1:30:10 GMT
Thank you for this. Well yes, I'm now taking it personally! haha! Its not so much keeping score on who responds faster, I guess its more like his expectations and how his should be met and mine go by the wayside. I guess I dont' know how to work with that piece of the comms. Yeah I was about to edit that bit. "Keeping score" can be things like noticing who texts who first, noticing who texts more, noticing who replies more or quicker, noticing anything we don't perceive as even and fair, feeling upset over someone seeming at all hypocritical in their expectations for the other, and taking measures to sort of get even or attempt to force a desired response, such as, "I'm not going to text him again until he replies to my last text, even if it takes a month." As for communicating less when plan-making time is imminent, I think I can provide an FA perspective on that if you like... |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 15, 2018 1:31:53 GMT
And, I DO have an update on the job to share with him, but I'm annoyed and maybe being SUPER AP now by not being real in just sharing my news and understanding he is literally just doing what he usually does-? Yeah, I think so. If I'm feeling secure I am not worried about double texting someone. If I'm feeling AP I am. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 15, 2018 1:34:42 GMT
Thank you for this. Well yes, I'm now taking it personally! haha! Its not so much keeping score on who responds faster, I guess its more like his expectations and how his should be met and mine go by the wayside. I guess I dont' know how to work with that piece of the comms. Yeah I was about to edit that bit. "Keeping score" can be things like noticing who texts who first, noticing who texts more, noticing who replies more or quicker, noticing anything we don't perceive as even and fair, feeling upset over someone seeming at all hypocritical in their expectations for the other, and taking measures to sort of get even or attempt to force a desired response, such as, "I'm not going to text him again until he replies to my last text, even if it takes a month." As for communicating less when plan-making time is imminent, I think I can provide an FA perspective on that if you like... YES PLEASE. And F! I am being AP! haha! but glad I am getting waaaaay better at catching it. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 15, 2018 2:01:27 GMT
And, I DO have an update on the job to share with him, but I'm annoyed and maybe being SUPER AP now by not being real in just sharing my news and understanding he is literally just doing what he usually does-? Yeah, I think so. If I'm feeling secure I am not worried about double texting someone. If I'm feeling AP I am. I just wanted to clarify, I am not suggesting a person should just text someone whenever they feel like it. That only works if one is actually feeling secure and coming from a secure place. If one is feeling super AP it can result in sending too many texts or needy texts, or feeling anxious or hurt if you don't get the desired reply or a quick reply, etc. I find the best approach is to try to self-soothe and think rationally about it and then when I am feeling more secure and no longer attached to an outcome it is safe to text. Yeah I was about to edit that bit. "Keeping score" can be things like noticing who texts who first, noticing who texts more, noticing who replies more or quicker, noticing anything we don't perceive as even and fair, feeling upset over someone seeming at all hypocritical in their expectations for the other, and taking measures to sort of get even or attempt to force a desired response, such as, "I'm not going to text him again until he replies to my last text, even if it takes a month." As for communicating less when plan-making time is imminent, I think I can provide an FA perspective on that if you like... YES PLEASE. And F! I am being AP! haha! but glad I am getting waaaaay better at catching it. I'll reply on that in several hours, as it requires a thoughtful response, and I don't have time just now. But I will. I also thought of some tips that might help in communicating with an FA who doesn't reply to certain texts and how to not enable that. Hope you are ok in the meantime and good work on being mindful and self-aware. |
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