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Post by tnr9 on Sept 16, 2018 18:16:22 GMT
So...since I am focusing on me...and there is no guy (with the exception of my cat) my life is pretty boring at the moment. I did watch a movie on Netflix that got my AP all in a flutter..it was one of those impossible relationships that works out in the end...you know the one...attractive guy gets out of prison, he is misunderstood, meets a girl, she is misunderstood...but somehow they get each other.....somehow I overlook the prison part and go right into caretaker mode. It is fascinating...so parallel's my real life experience of overlooking the bad and seeing only the good..only the potential. So what if he had a problem with drinking or drugs or fighting or prison..those things are in his past..he was just "misunderstood". Ugh.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 16, 2018 18:54:26 GMT
I've been thinking about AP in this context this week, actually. How AP sees all the good in the partner and ignores the bad. Last week I'd said in a thread about nitpicking as a deactivation strategy, "For me, it really helps that my natural AP tendencies are to see the good in the person and never fixate on the bad. And then my earned secure tendencies modify that to not ignore the bad and let me know if I need to leave the situation."
What I've been thinking about is how AP has trouble accepting themselves and idealizes the partner. But if AP started being able to really accept themselves, would that mean accepting the partner as they really are instead of trying to create a fantasy bond around a concept? I think so.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 16, 2018 19:53:37 GMT
I've been thinking about AP in this context this week, actually. How AP sees all the good in the partner and ignores the bad. Last week I'd said in a thread about nitpicking as a deactivation strategy, "For me, it really helps that my natural AP tendencies are to see the good in the person and never fixate on the bad. And then my earned secure tendencies modify that to not ignore the bad and let me know if I need to leave the situation." What I've been thinking about is how AP has trouble accepting themselves and idealizes the partner. But if AP started being able to really accept themselves, would that mean accepting the partner as they really are instead of trying to create a fantasy bond around a concept? I think so. I also wonder if we don't give to others what we desperately need for ourselves....we need to see our good stuff..our potential....we need to look beyond our past and embrace our future. In addition, seeing someone for who they are doesn't mean putting them on a pedastal or demonizing them...it means being able to be honest about whether that person is a good enough fit for us. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 16, 2018 21:13:05 GMT
I've been thinking about AP in this context this week, actually. How AP sees all the good in the partner and ignores the bad. Last week I'd said in a thread about nitpicking as a deactivation strategy, "For me, it really helps that my natural AP tendencies are to see the good in the person and never fixate on the bad. And then my earned secure tendencies modify that to not ignore the bad and let me know if I need to leave the situation." What I've been thinking about is how AP has trouble accepting themselves and idealizes the partner. But if AP started being able to really accept themselves, would that mean accepting the partner as they really are instead of trying to create a fantasy bond around a concept? I think so. I also wonder if we don't give to others what we desperately need for ourselves....we need to see our good stuff..our potential....we need to look beyond our past and embrace our future. In addition, seeing someone for who they are doesn't mean putting them on a pedastal or demonizing them...it means being able to be honest about whether that person is a good enough fit for us. Focusing on other people's (romanticized) problems/issues can be a great way to escape dealing with your own stuff. It makes you feel important, needed, you have a special bond, this person won't leave you, no one else understands what you have, a great point of comparison..."he/she is the messed up one...I'm fine!"....etc. And then it creates this grand narrative arc where you are the hero who redeems this other person that no one else could understand and as a reward wins everlasting love and awesomeness. And then usually it crashes....because you aren't a hero and you really dont have the special transformative powers to right this person. I really like what Alexandra said about the idealized fantasy bond as well. |
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Post by outlander81 on Sept 16, 2018 21:26:48 GMT
I'm shocked looking back at my relationship how much I was creating the idealized fantasy bond and overlooked all the screaming red flags all the way through. I have had fantasies of being the hero, the one woman who saved the man from his emotional unavailability and melted his cold heart since i was in my early teens. Urggh! For me regarding AP and codependancy/love addiction however I frame it, it's all about valuing stability, both in myself and a prospective partner. My boyfriend was often 'boring' because he was so limited by his FA. He told me that on our 3rd date 'i'm so boring, why would you want me?' He wasn't boring as in stable /predictable and content with a simple existence with no drama (which he tried to make out). He was boring by being utterly limited by his avoidance in all areas of his life. I am working hard to develop myself into that stable and content person I used to balk against. Here's to becoming more 'boring'  |
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