Love as guarding the other's solitude: Rilke
Sept 17, 2018 1:15:02 GMT
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goldilocks and happyidiot like this
Post by andy on Sept 17, 2018 1:15:02 GMT
Came across this article by Maria Popova that isn't about attachment but could be! www.brainpickings.org/2018/09/03/rilke-love-marriage/
It's about the poet Rainer Maria Rilke's philosophy of love, which is pretty far from the mainstream romantic ideal of total union with the other... a challenging and fresh perspective for anxious types, I suspect.
From the introduction: "Our paradoxical longing for intimacy and independence is a diamagnetic force — it pulls us toward togetherness and simultaneously repels us from it with a mighty magnet that, if unskillfully handled, can rupture a relationship and break a heart. Under this unforgiving magnetism, it becomes an act of superhuman strength and self-transcendence to give space to the other when all one wants is closeness. And yet this difficult act may be the very thing — perhaps the only thing — that saves the relationship over and over."
Quoting Rilke: "It is a question in marriage, to my feeling, not of creating a quick community of spirit by tearing down and destroying all boundaries, but rather a good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow. A togetherness between two people is an impossibility, and where it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a reciprocal agreement which robs either one party or both of his fullest freedom and development. But, once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!"
While the passage above does not capture all the dimensions of love as I understand it, its poetic beauty inspires me to seek the kind of love that honours each person's autonomy and wholeness.
"To see the other whole and against a wide sky!" 😍
Thoughts?
It's about the poet Rainer Maria Rilke's philosophy of love, which is pretty far from the mainstream romantic ideal of total union with the other... a challenging and fresh perspective for anxious types, I suspect.
From the introduction: "Our paradoxical longing for intimacy and independence is a diamagnetic force — it pulls us toward togetherness and simultaneously repels us from it with a mighty magnet that, if unskillfully handled, can rupture a relationship and break a heart. Under this unforgiving magnetism, it becomes an act of superhuman strength and self-transcendence to give space to the other when all one wants is closeness. And yet this difficult act may be the very thing — perhaps the only thing — that saves the relationship over and over."
Quoting Rilke: "It is a question in marriage, to my feeling, not of creating a quick community of spirit by tearing down and destroying all boundaries, but rather a good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow. A togetherness between two people is an impossibility, and where it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a reciprocal agreement which robs either one party or both of his fullest freedom and development. But, once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!"
While the passage above does not capture all the dimensions of love as I understand it, its poetic beauty inspires me to seek the kind of love that honours each person's autonomy and wholeness.
"To see the other whole and against a wide sky!" 😍
Thoughts?
Yes, it seems like avoidant but maybe converted into somewhat secure? As he talks about happiness in a relationship between two very well-built individuals. I can see it is a concept that society doesn't talk much about it. I guess it does in the form, maybe, of being 'independent' and 'happy with yourself' before you can be in a relationship. But romance and couples are usually viewed as a shared life, instead of two shared lives.