Post by andy on Sept 18, 2018 15:36:48 GMT
Hi all, wanted to provide a quick update regarding my process with my ex. For those who haven't read my other threads, this ex broke up with me DA-style two years ago and we became friends about 18 months ago. She has inched closer and closer to me as friends during that time. I've remained stuck on her AP-style and have been wondering whether to take some space for myself away from the friendship or to open up a conversation with her about how I'm feeling.
Something has suddenly shifted in my feelings towards her and I don't feel the same intense longing anymore (though I acknowledge there may be times when my feelings flip back to the way they were). The way I feel now is that I can continue to be good friends with her without suffering. In the unlikely event that she asked me to get back together, I would consider it but would feel empowered to state my conditions, find out hers, and not agree to an arrangement that would be a repeat of what went wrong before. And I don't think she will be on my mind as much anymore. Something that was lodged in my brain has just evaporated. It feels really different in there - spacious!
I saw her on Friday and we had a great time. I caught myself in a little AP moment where she texted me (at 3 pm ish) that she was behind schedule and would not have time to meet with me to hang out before the event we were going to (at 8:30 pm ish) - super AP because I felt let down disproportionate to the situation and even questioned whether she was telling me the truth. But I noticed what I was doing and checked myself. I also reminded myself that this is what the romantic relationship with her felt like all the time for me... a constant alternation of elevated hopes and disappointment.
After the event SHE suggested hanging out and chatting (proving me wrong that she wasn't being honest before), and we did that until around midnight. We talked about real and really difficult things. I wasn't in any doubt that she cares about me and appreciates our connection. There was emotional intimacy! In the past when I've caught a glimmer of intimacy and authenticity from her I've made a huge deal of it in my mind, felt overjoyed, even victorious, overinterpreted it, etc. But I'm not feeling that intense about it now.
The next day I woke up with a bit of what I call an emotional hangover... this melancholy feeling and preoccupation with the events of the previous day. That's the standard way I have felt after hanging out with her. But I got on with my busy day: went to a gathering at a friend's house and hosted another gathering at my place. By the end of the day, my ex's hold on me had really loosened and has stayed that way since. The friend whose house I was at is somebody I'm a little bit interested in, but in this gentle and muted way where I'm interested in exploring it and I'm equally happy to just stay as friends. She is a really caring, humble, authentic person, and she started to look more appealing to me than my ex when I was hanging at her place. I already asked her out a while back and she proposed that getting to know each other better as friends would be the best way for her to feel out the possibility of a dating situation. And as I said before, I will be totally happy if we just stay friends (and not feel personally slighted in the least), and there's also a little spark of interest there.
Why has this happened for me? It could be a couple of things. As we know, AP tends to lose some interest when the love object ceases to be a challenge for them and becomes familiar and demystified. I acknowledge that there could be a little bit of that since my ex acted more emotionally intimate with me than usual, though I think obviously there's still a challenge element in that we are still broken up! I like to think that a bigger part of it is the work I've been doing with all of you here. In a recent thread I commented that the ex had lost some sequins from her phantom ex suit in my imagination, and that happened even before this recent hangout where she made herself much more emotionally available to me. Maybe within a few months she will just be wearing jeans and a t-shirt in my mind and not a super cool shiny phantom suit all covered in sequins.
Something has suddenly shifted in my feelings towards her and I don't feel the same intense longing anymore (though I acknowledge there may be times when my feelings flip back to the way they were). The way I feel now is that I can continue to be good friends with her without suffering. In the unlikely event that she asked me to get back together, I would consider it but would feel empowered to state my conditions, find out hers, and not agree to an arrangement that would be a repeat of what went wrong before. And I don't think she will be on my mind as much anymore. Something that was lodged in my brain has just evaporated. It feels really different in there - spacious!
I saw her on Friday and we had a great time. I caught myself in a little AP moment where she texted me (at 3 pm ish) that she was behind schedule and would not have time to meet with me to hang out before the event we were going to (at 8:30 pm ish) - super AP because I felt let down disproportionate to the situation and even questioned whether she was telling me the truth. But I noticed what I was doing and checked myself. I also reminded myself that this is what the romantic relationship with her felt like all the time for me... a constant alternation of elevated hopes and disappointment.
After the event SHE suggested hanging out and chatting (proving me wrong that she wasn't being honest before), and we did that until around midnight. We talked about real and really difficult things. I wasn't in any doubt that she cares about me and appreciates our connection. There was emotional intimacy! In the past when I've caught a glimmer of intimacy and authenticity from her I've made a huge deal of it in my mind, felt overjoyed, even victorious, overinterpreted it, etc. But I'm not feeling that intense about it now.
The next day I woke up with a bit of what I call an emotional hangover... this melancholy feeling and preoccupation with the events of the previous day. That's the standard way I have felt after hanging out with her. But I got on with my busy day: went to a gathering at a friend's house and hosted another gathering at my place. By the end of the day, my ex's hold on me had really loosened and has stayed that way since. The friend whose house I was at is somebody I'm a little bit interested in, but in this gentle and muted way where I'm interested in exploring it and I'm equally happy to just stay as friends. She is a really caring, humble, authentic person, and she started to look more appealing to me than my ex when I was hanging at her place. I already asked her out a while back and she proposed that getting to know each other better as friends would be the best way for her to feel out the possibility of a dating situation. And as I said before, I will be totally happy if we just stay friends (and not feel personally slighted in the least), and there's also a little spark of interest there.
Why has this happened for me? It could be a couple of things. As we know, AP tends to lose some interest when the love object ceases to be a challenge for them and becomes familiar and demystified. I acknowledge that there could be a little bit of that since my ex acted more emotionally intimate with me than usual, though I think obviously there's still a challenge element in that we are still broken up! I like to think that a bigger part of it is the work I've been doing with all of you here. In a recent thread I commented that the ex had lost some sequins from her phantom ex suit in my imagination, and that happened even before this recent hangout where she made herself much more emotionally available to me. Maybe within a few months she will just be wearing jeans and a t-shirt in my mind and not a super cool shiny phantom suit all covered in sequins.
