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Post by stayhappy on Sept 28, 2018 7:38:59 GMT
Hello everyone!
Sorry if it is a too private question but I wonder if you guys who have an insecure attachment style and have your own kids think it’s hard to raise a secure child?
I know that insecure attachmented people have a harder experience in romantic relationships, is it hard dealing with parenthood also?
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 30, 2018 4:09:49 GMT
As I parent, I find that in some ways I overcompensate. In trying not to be avoidant, one can 'overparent' and need better boundaries. I'm getting better at it but it's an ongoing challenge. I never understood when my eldest child was a baby how someone could leave their kid in a crib and walk away without feeling immense anxiety, for example. I literally held them for their first 6 months of life, that sort of thing. On the other hand my eldest child has an intense and complex temperament. Sometimes I'd sit in my car in the garage after arriving home from work imaging myself driving away instead of going inside where my family was, or sit outside the daycare wondering how bad it would be to wait to go in until 5:59pm (they close at 6pm) . I had post-partum depression but was in denial, and had some very dark times. Things are better now but parenting is still hard for me.
My oldest child is very complex to parent and may not have fully secure attachment--there's more push-pull from both sides. I think my youngest has more secure attachment. Every generation tries to do better than the one before if they can.
Basically, you're not going to magically have secure attachment with your children if you struggle with adults, but it may manifest differently. Children are easier for me to love unconditionally, and I take their behavior less personally, project less. But I can be preoccupied with whether or not they feel loved enough.
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 30, 2018 6:56:34 GMT
As I parent, I find that in some ways I overcompensate. In trying not to be avoidant, one can 'overparent' and need better boundaries. I'm getting better at it but it's an ongoing challenge. I never understood when my eldest child was a baby how someone could leave their kid in a crib and walk away without feeling immense anxiety, for example. I literally held them for their first 6 months of life, that sort of thing. On the other hand my eldest child has an intense and complex temperament. Sometimes I'd sit in my car in the garage after arriving home from work imaging myself driving away instead of going inside where my family was, or sit outside the daycare wondering how bad it would be to wait to go in until 5:59pm (they close at 6pm) . I had post-partum depression but was in denial, and had some very dark times. Things are better now but parenting is still hard for me. My oldest child is very complex to parent and may not have fully secure attachment--there's more push-pull from both sides. I think my youngest has more secure attachment. Every generation tries to do better than the one before if they can. Basically, you're not going to magically have secure attachment with your children if you struggle with adults, but it may manifest differently. Children are easier for me to love unconditionally, and I take their behavior less personally, project less. But I can be preoccupied with whether or not they feel loved enough. Thank you for sharing! And I am sorry to hear about your post-partum depression. |
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