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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2018 4:59:07 GMT
hi all,
i've returned from a hiatus, and have been going through quite alot. just an update to provide context, da and i were not making good progress (he was trying to be more couply but i distrusted him and its sustainably) and he asked me to explain why. so i sent him an email detailing everything i've thought about him and my experiences without really holding back, and then ended with a break up. being able to send this email, even knowing that it'll most likely end in a breakup, was very liberating for me and also quite helpful in gaining alot of inner peace (though it is tenuous). i felt like i was able to stand up for myself and voice my truth, even if that was ugly and unpleasant, and probably not fair and nice to say to someone else.
during this time i've also started noticing that i am alot less trusting of people and that i have to practice holding myself in when making new friends (i've moved countries), almost like i am a container of myself, without bleeding into other people's space. i've also noticed that I think quite consciously that people are not going to stay a part of my life and therefore, i do not try too hard to make friends with them. some people have hung out with me consistently and then for no reason, disappeared. This just confirms the view I've said. i occasionally reach out to them, but i stop myself from wondering or thinking or reacting to them. this is easy because I don't know these people very well. i'm trying not to react to anything that's happening around me, because my hold on my inner peace is tenuous enough and I'm working on making that stable.
i'm just wondering if this view towards people being unreliable and inconsistent and will disappear, even if they have legit reasons and have their own lives a tad too extreme? I'm finding it difficult to balance being independent and developing social bonds. to me, if i wanted to be alone and be independent, i don't need anyone else in my life. it's quite polarizing, and it's hard for me to get to a middle ground.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 5, 2018 11:52:50 GMT
Hi Anxious...welcome back....I do believe that our journey towards secure is not a straight path...but more like a pendulum....we swing far to the Anxious side and then far to the (I will call it Avoidant for lack of a better term) Avoidant side. I think it is good that you are seeing where your "truster" may not be interpreting things correctly. I have found that if I am very distrustful or judgemental of others...that is a sign that I am being distrustful or judgemental of myself. It may be an avenue you might want to explore. Do I distrust myself? If so, then what is it I distrust? (You can also ask Why do I distrust myself if the what question seems harder) Just let the answers come up and don't judge them. Then have compassion on yourself for whatever is revealed. Sending cyber hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2018 3:59:31 GMT
for sure i am not trustful of myself!
i did feel like being truly independent and secure is quite a lonely feeling, in that i have to hold me within me. this is the only way to really be secure, in that only you can have your own back. i find this to be quite.. isolating and lonely at times.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 6, 2018 11:17:54 GMT
for sure i am not trustful of myself! i did feel like being truly independent and secure is quite a lonely feeling, in that i have to hold me within me. this is the only way to really be secure, in that only you can have your own back. i find this to be quite.. isolating and lonely at times. Hey Anxious...my friends who I look upon as secure have a healthy balance between independence and dependence on others....meaning....they know they are valued, loved and they are able to provide that to themselves...but...they also have healthy relationships with others who care and support them. In fact..my secure friends tend to have a lot of friends because people are drawn to them. I think what you are describing about relying on self but feeling it to be isolating...that is not secure. So when you asked yourself the what and why questions about not trusting yourself...what was revealed? (If you don't mind sharing) |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2018 12:07:20 GMT
You mean what do I not trust in myself? Mmm..
To pick good loving stable reliable partners
To have and keep a good loving life
To know what a good healthy rship that also has attraction
To be a good stable partner
To be committed and be ok with it
To actually know anymore what I’m really feeling is what I am or why I am
Today I went on a date with someone who seems secure and available.. just generally normal. I don’t feel alive I feel sleepy and anxious and I just wanted to shut down. We played a game focusing on practicising sexual and physical consent (didn’t do anything but just tried to figure out the rules) and I felt really uncomformfable.
I had to put up my false self to interact with him in a normal positive fashion, but deep down inside I really didn’t care about the interaction at all. cant tell if it’s a lack of attraction or just anxious about a possible commitment. I think when it looks like there can actually be a real rship, I feel really uncomfortable.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 6, 2018 17:33:16 GMT
It's true that attachment is probably not a linear thing of getting easier or harder, and that circumstances can affect it.
Do you have a stable situation (such as staying in a job for years or being part of an organization of some kind for years, etc.) where you can be around the same people consistently and have ongoing friendships that can help you feel a stronger sense of stable community?
On people disappearing, is it possible they wish you would reach out? Some of that is just going to happen though, everyone will have some people disappear on them. I know it's hard when you really liked the person.
I think one technique can be figuring out who the community builders are-- the ones who are putting out more effort-- and more actively pursue friendships with them.
Maybe you didn't want advice, but I do think that sometimes the disconnect is something that doesn't just come or go by fate but something we also take an active role in.
Is it possible something else is going on too, like some depression? I think that can manifest the way you're describing.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2018 22:46:50 GMT
It's true that attachment is probably not a linear thing of getting easier or harder, and that circumstances can affect it. Do you have a stable situation (such as staying in a job for years or being part of an organization of some kind for years, etc.) where you can be around the same people consistently and have ongoing friendships that can help you feel a stronger sense of stable community? On people disappearing, is it possible they wish you would reach out? Some of that is just going to happen though, everyone will have some people disappear on them. I know it's hard when you really liked the person. I think one technique can be figuring out who the community builders are-- the ones who are putting out more effort-- and more actively pursue friendships with them. Maybe you didn't want advice, but I do think that sometimes the disconnect is something that doesn't just come or go by fate but something we also take an active role in. Is it possible something else is going on too, like some depression? I think that can manifest the way you're describing. Oh, I welcome any advice, thoughts, and sharing of experiences from anyone! No, i don't have a stable situation, though I hope this one is. I finished my PhD, in itself an extremely unstable situation with unstable people, and moved two continents trying to get a job in the past year. I hope this one works out well and is stable, I don't have plans to move in the next few years. My friends are all in different countries, so while we text, there's no physical presence. Since i've moved here, I've been changing the way i make friends and connect with people. I look for different types of people and stay in touch with them, maybe every one or two weeks, doing different sort of activities and talking about different things than I'm usually used to. I also look to connect with people who seem genuine and want real friendships. Making opposite sex friends is harder - alot of them seem to be making friends with an agenda of dating/sleeping together, and when I didn't show interest in that, they basically disappear. In the past, I would have jumped on the chemistry and tried to keep them around with sociosexual behaviors, but now I am highly avoiding that and behaving like i'm a goody two shoes haha. I also make it very clear that I'm looking to make friends first, and then we'll take it from there. Those with a clear agenda tend to move on immediately. I do think that the shift to self-reliance is drastic, and sometimes I feel angry about it, resulting in thoughts like "if I have to do it myself, then why do i really need anyone in my life who just wants to take from me and not add to it". that's how i felt with my DA - that he wants his emotional needs fulfilled by being in a relationship but not want to actually be in the relationship and fulfill my needs (e.g., one foot out, not see each other), and then complain that im insecure and needy. so now that i'm trying to meet my own needs and be self-reliant, i actually care very much about what each party is giving/taking, and once i feel like someone is just taking without giving (met another DA who was interested), I just let the relationship go even though I feel :< about it. Depression is possible, or at least, depressive tendencies. There're seasonal changes here and I've found it physically hard to cope with it! it's adjusting well, so it's gone away somewhat and I'm much less emotional about these thoughts. So I've caught myself thinking that, and I don't think it's secure or healthy, and I'm trying to make sense of it and find a balance. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 7, 2018 14:43:09 GMT
You mean what do I not trust in myself? Mmm.. To pick good loving stable reliable partners To have and keep a good loving life To know what a good healthy rship that also has attraction To be a good stable partner To be committed and be ok with it To actually know anymore what I’m really feeling is what I am or why I am Today I went on a date with someone who seems secure and available.. just generally normal. I don’t feel alive I feel sleepy and anxious and I just wanted to shut down. We played a game focusing on practicising sexual and physical consent (didn’t do anything but just tried to figure out the rules) and I felt really uncomformfable. I had to put up my false self to interact with him in a normal positive fashion, but deep down inside I really didn’t care about the interaction at all. cant tell if it’s a lack of attraction or just anxious about a possible commitment. I think when it looks like there can actually be a real rship, I feel really uncomfortable. What I read in the above is that now is not the time to be looking for a partner...your answers speak to a need to take a break from dating and spend more time with yourself....trust comes from within and until you can trust that you are a good enough partner...your decisions will be fear based rather then choice based. The last answer really struck a chord with me....I know how difficult it can be to feel like your truster is broken because you had a relationship that did not work out in which you had such hope. But you are not broken! I think to sit with yourself and love yourself through this journey is the best gift you can give to yourself right now. Hugs. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2018 1:40:18 GMT
You mean what do I not trust in myself? Mmm.. To pick good loving stable reliable partners To have and keep a good loving life To know what a good healthy rship that also has attraction To be a good stable partner To be committed and be ok with it To actually know anymore what I’m really feeling is what I am or why I am Today I went on a date with someone who seems secure and available.. just generally normal. I don’t feel alive I feel sleepy and anxious and I just wanted to shut down. We played a game focusing on practicising sexual and physical consent (didn’t do anything but just tried to figure out the rules) and I felt really uncomformfable. I had to put up my false self to interact with him in a normal positive fashion, but deep down inside I really didn’t care about the interaction at all. cant tell if it’s a lack of attraction or just anxious about a possible commitment. I think when it looks like there can actually be a real rship, I feel really uncomfortable. What I read in the above is that now is not the time to be looking for a partner...your answers speak to a need to take a break from dating and spend more time with yourself....trust comes from within and until you can trust that you are a good enough partner...your decisions will be fear based rather then choice based. The last answer really struck a chord with me....I know how difficult it can be to feel like your truster is broken because you had a relationship that did not work out in which you had such hope. But you are not broken! I think to sit with yourself and love yourself through this journey is the best gift you can give to yourself right now. Hugs. Thanks tnr9! Yes, I've made it very clear to everyone that im looking for friends, and without that there's no further consideration of dating. Seems like alot of people are not of the same mindset - everyone's looking for a partner! it's been especially difficult because DA has yet to reach out and get in contact, and it's been 10 days. I'm feeling more and more anxious, and I have to resist reaching out to him. I read in another thread about mental oscillating, and I catch myself doing that. I wish very much so that he is with me and that we talk through these things and sensemake, but clearly even when we do, i'm not able to accept it fully. I get this sense that he makes cognitive and behavioral changes but not the emotional ones, which then makes it even more triggering because the distance is even greater. Gah!!! |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 18, 2018 4:07:45 GMT
Hey anxious, not sure if you are still here. I read that you have a lot of friends in foriegn countries and that you mostly text. I would strongly encourage you to call these friends and make sure to talk to them on the phone, theres a thing called "social presence theory" that basically says that texting is not as emotionally beneficial as calling (which is itself less beneficial than face-timing or talking in person or touching/hugging).
I have been extremely socially isolated for years and depressed since my breakup and to combat this i have made a list that hangs on the wall that lists my friends and the date that I last talked on the phone. This combats my avoidant/depressive nature and gives me a reward for maintaining social presence with these people. I really think that it has helped a lot in terms of keeping me alive/functioning.
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