|
|
Post by epicgum on Oct 11, 2018 19:34:48 GMT
I'm wondering, does anyone on here have experience acting out the victim/savior complex? (Dating someone with a "problem" that you try to fix or hope will go away, rather than accepting)
I've been in 2 of these relationships now (of varying degrees...with myself mostly as the savior) and I'm wondering how it interfaces with attachment style and whatever knowledge might be out there as to why you do this and how you can avoid doing it in the future.
Edit: in my cases, the "problems" were in the first case, overweight and self harm, and in the second case overweight and alcohol abuse. And in both cases probably some underlying depression/BPD, mental issues.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 12, 2018 2:39:31 GMT
I'm wondering, does anyone on here have experience acting out the victim/savior complex? (Dating someone with a "problem" that you try to fix or hope will go away, rather than accepting) I've been in 2 of these relationships now (of varying degrees...with myself mostly as the savior) and I'm wondering how it interfaces with attachment style and whatever knowledge might be out there as to why you do this and how you can avoid doing it in the future. Edit: in my cases, the "problems" were in the first case, overweight and self harm, and in the second case overweight and alcohol abuse. And in both cases probably some underlying depression/BPD, mental issues. I have been in both roles... victim with narcissists savior with men who have substance abuse issues |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 12, 2018 3:08:26 GMT
I think it can have a lot to do with insecure attachment. A few possibilities for general you (not you specifically, and not an exhaustive list):
You treat someone the way you want to be treated (or wish you were treated by your adult caretakers), especially instead of directly communicating what you want. Related, you don't believe in your own abilities to overcome obstacles on your own and project that onto others, so you think many other people require / desire help.
You treat someone how you saw your adult caretakers / some other person you tried to model after treat someone in a way that you interpreted as them showing love (this can be a problem if the person you're modeling after had weak personal boundaries). Maybe similarly, you felt loved at some point when someone enmeshed with you and are repeating what you are familiar with.
You don't want to reflect on your problems and find someone with enough to always distract you by focusing on them.
You think that solving someone else's problems will make you a more deserving / worthwhile person (or fill in the blank, but still trying to externally derive self-esteem). |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 3:58:30 GMT
as for me,
i picked people like my parents, who were highly dysfunctional and unavailable.
there was a good thread about the trauma bonding and patterns going at one point.
can't remember the exact title of it but it addressed the pattern aspect and it may be relevant here.
|
|
