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Post by tnr9 on Oct 11, 2018 21:39:31 GMT
It is a sobering thought that the one thing I relied upon to keep a guy is not the gift I thought it was. I thought to give and give and caretake and see glints of a diamond where others may not would be so appreciated. I honestly thought that was my "in", my "fairy dust", my magic spell....if I see the best in you and tell you what I feel you most want to hear, then surely you will be grateful and you will stay and I will feel so loved because I saw you. It is such a young, hopeful, romantic perspective..and it does not want to die...because what am I without this perceived gift? What do I have to offer otherwise? It just a feeling that I have from time to time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2018 23:33:39 GMT
You put it so well tnr9. One thing that I have become aware of is how my mum perpetuates that notion, of how everyone is worth saving and loving, and how she chooses to support and be nice to people who are clearly not nice to her. I've chosen to support the people who support me, and leave the people who don't, but she tells me that is not a kind thing to do. It's made me feel like i'm a bad person, and that I need to make space for people who aren't there to meet me at a certain level but continuously hurt me. this made me very uncertain about when to leave a relationship and when to stay, because i am supposed to be more tolerant, more loving, even if it reduces my capacity to take care of those who are on my side. i've learnt that my special strength is to see the best in people and justify their bad behaviour through an analysis of their painful history/baggage/issues, and then provide support and healing for that, so that I am loved and appreciated - which goes to say most times it isn't so. This quality does have its benefits - it's made me more understanding and tolerant of people, and in genuine relationships/friendships, it is a great quality to possess because it's made you more loving and patient with people. don't be too hard on yourself.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 15, 2018 0:07:12 GMT
That's an interesting question-- "What do I have to offer otherwise?"
Maybe that's the thing to work on imagine and believing-- that someone could love you for all sorts of other reasons. Like imagine yourself being an active, engaged, creative person living her life and there being a secure, reliable person wanting to enjoy that together and offer mutual support, without your needing to do any magic. Or even that if there isn't a person loving you, that's okay too, you could still have a great life. (I mean, most people are going to want love, but I think it's important to believe you could have a great life as a single person too, at least for awhile).
It's nice that you can see the best in people, but do it for your own sake (so you can have that kind of positive relationship with the world), rather than as a move to try to get people to love you. Maybe you could focus that emotional drive in some other way, like in volunteer work (like working with troubled children or homeless people or groups that could use some unconditional appreciation).
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