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Post by stayhappy on Oct 16, 2018 15:14:53 GMT
Last time I was with my DA partner it was really great. As usual efter this great intimacy moment he needs space. But this time when he came back efter two weeks I was feeling and I am still feeling indifferent. Not happy, not sad, not missing, not irritated, nothing. I don’t feel like seeing him and of course I did communicate him that in a polite way.
I don’t know if it’s because I have a lot to do at the university right now or if it’s because I am starting to get disconnected from him as I know this thing we have are not going to lead anywhere.
Some of you who have followed my threads maybe remember that I’m planning on moving from the city I'm current living in in the beginning of next year. Could this indifference feeling be a sign that I’m protecting myself from pain? Is it a protest behavior? Or it’s just me as a pretty secure woman moving on?
Anyone who had experienced the same?
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Post by lilyg on Oct 16, 2018 15:51:24 GMT
Last time I was with my DA partner it was really great. As usual efter this great intimacy moment he needs space. But this time when he came back efter two weeks I was feeling and I am still feeling indifferent. Not happy, not sad, not missing, not irritated, nothing. I don’t feel like seeing him and of course I did communicate him that in a polite way. I don’t know if it’s because I have a lot to do at the university right now or if it’s because I am starting to get disconnected from him as I know this thing we have are not going to lead anywhere. Some of you who have followed my threads maybe remember that I’m planning on moving from the city I'm current living in in the beginning of next year. Could this indifference feeling be a sign that I’m protecting myself from pain? Is it a protest behavior? Or it’s just me as a pretty secure woman moving on? Anyone who had experienced the same? I would say it's a woman knowing where it will end and losing interest over someone unavailable? At least, I guess I would feel the same. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2018 16:47:32 GMT
I agree with lilyg. You may have just gotten to the point that the connection doesn't feel strong or consistent enough to you because an insecure connects differently, and so isn't worth the effort when logistics aren't in your favor anyway.
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Oct 16, 2018 17:17:56 GMT
I'm feeling the same right now about an ex DA (or FA, I'm not sure) who was pulling/pushing for about 3 years. He reached out this week after more than one month of silence. I was happy and answered him politely but I'm not looking forward to see him or contact him. I'm glad I could finally move on from him. But I ask myself the same questions, is this just me deactivating or I'm finally earning secure ? Time will tell...
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 16, 2018 17:21:29 GMT
Ah, and I don't know how it feels for you but in my case I don't think it's a protest behavior in that that I'm not acting like this with the expectation of a reaction from him, I'm just fine and living my life.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2018 17:24:06 GMT
I don't think it's a protest behavior in that that I'm not acting like this with the expectation of a reaction from him, I'm just fine and living my life. Yes, this! No secret desire for a reaction or expectation. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 16, 2018 17:50:07 GMT
No! I’m not looking for any reaction from him so it should not be a protest behavior. I was thinking about that it might could be me deactivating because I know it’s close to the end but I’m actually not afraid of the end either so it’s probably just me as a secure moving on. I just don’t remember being kind of indifferent to any of my two ex partners that fast before.
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 16, 2018 17:54:46 GMT
It’s not that I don’t care about him, I wish him all the best. I just don’t think this situation fix in my life anymore.
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 17, 2018 20:03:13 GMT
I see. Maybe you are more secure now than before with your others ex? (in this case, congratulations!) I don't know how it feels for you to deactivate. For me it comes with the feeling of engulfment, repulsion, overwhelming and I start fault-finding. And protest behavior comes with lots of anxiety, rumination, passive-aggressive behavior. If you just feel neutral and wish him the best I guess it's a good sign  |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 28, 2018 10:45:27 GMT
Now I’m feeling “indifferent” again. He was “stalking” my social media but didn’t write anything so I contacted him and we met for two weeks ago and had a great time. We hade some contact first but I haven’t heard from him and neither have I initiated contact for a week. And it feels just normal. He said he loves the attention I give, that I’m funny and just so different from him. I think the “chase” is somehow important to him because he gets the validation he needs to think he is worth something. I have a feeling that sometimes he distance himself just to know if I will still be there. Well, I’m pretty good at giving someone attention but I can’t do that all the time. I give much but I also expect to get back.
And yeah now I’m here feeling like whatever. Not angry, not sad, not hoping... just nothing. I think it’s weird that I’m feeling like this so fast. I guess it’s because I have been stressed because of this before and I know it’s not worth getting stressed. I just accepted as it is and stopped reacting to the deactivating strategies. I hope is me being secure and learning how to deal better with an avoidant ☺️
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 29, 2018 3:35:35 GMT
Last time I was with my DA partner it was really great. As usual efter this great intimacy moment he needs space. But this time when he came back efter two weeks I was feeling and I am still feeling indifferent. Not happy, not sad, not missing, not irritated, nothing. I don’t feel like seeing him and of course I did communicate him that in a polite way. I don’t know if it’s because I have a lot to do at the university right now or if it’s because I am starting to get disconnected from him as I know this thing we have are not going to lead anywhere. Some of you who have followed my threads maybe remember that I’m planning on moving from the city I'm current living in in the beginning of next year. Could this indifference feeling be a sign that I’m protecting myself from pain? Is it a protest behavior? Or it’s just me as a pretty secure woman moving on? Anyone who had experienced the same? I’m in a similar place with my ex DA and at times also starting to feel indifferent. To me, this is not protest behavior at all. It’s not how my protest behavior presents. This is me disconnecting and shutting down as he has been for 12 months. This is me tired of being hurt and being let down. I think it’s a good sign. I’m beginning to protect myself- maybe you are, too. |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 29, 2018 7:06:49 GMT
Last time I was with my DA partner it was really great. As usual efter this great intimacy moment he needs space. But this time when he came back efter two weeks I was feeling and I am still feeling indifferent. Not happy, not sad, not missing, not irritated, nothing. I don’t feel like seeing him and of course I did communicate him that in a polite way. I don’t know if it’s because I have a lot to do at the university right now or if it’s because I am starting to get disconnected from him as I know this thing we have are not going to lead anywhere. Some of you who have followed my threads maybe remember that I’m planning on moving from the city I'm current living in in the beginning of next year. Could this indifference feeling be a sign that I’m protecting myself from pain? Is it a protest behavior? Or it’s just me as a pretty secure woman moving on? Anyone who had experienced the same? I’m in a similar place with my ex DA and at times also starting to feel indifferent. To me, this is not protest behavior at all. It’s not how my protest behavior presents. This is me disconnecting and shutting down as he has been for 12 months. This is me tired of being hurt and being let down. I think it’s a good sign. I’m beginning to protect myself- maybe you are, too. It’s important to remember that those ”walls” we are building to somehow protect ourselfs should be used just when necessary. Otherwise we will be closing ourselfs to love and that is not a good thing ☺️ |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 29, 2018 12:08:41 GMT
"I just accepted as it is and stopped reacting to the deactivating strategies. I hope is me being secure and learning how to deal better with an avoidant" It is, Im to the same point, its what secures do. Avoidants are not easy to deal with for anyone, secures accept it, we cut off, and know its not about us so its not personal. We go on with our life. I cut mine off because I was done with it, my wall is up with him because he built that wall. While the door is not completely shut for us to at least talk, there is a wall. I'll easily blow that wall up for someone else that comes in though, its not their wall, its my FA/DAs wall.
Hes been hard to let go of though, harder than anyone else for me because he triggered that anxious side of me. I tested 2-3% anxious and it was triggered like I was full AP before I understood attachment. Im just glad my secure side didn't bring on usual anxious protest behaviors, I sat in it alone and just kept trucking along with my life.
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