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Post by faithopelove on Oct 26, 2018 22:19:49 GMT
Ugh...I badly want to reach out to my ex DA tonight. The longer I’m in no contact the greater my desire to reach out. I forget why I’m fighting the urge bc he probably doesn’t notice my absence anyway. The ruminations over to reach out or not is terrible. I would tell my therapist that if he said he never wanted to talk to me again- or blocked me, I could let go. She told me not to wait for that. Yet, I still want reconciliation. I want that reconnection. I’m mostly venting bc I know this change needs to happen within me.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2018 22:33:14 GMT
Reach out to a friend instead. I'm sorry, I do not know what you are going through, but it seems cery difficult. Maybe talking to a friend on the phone could help?
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Post by epicgum on Oct 26, 2018 22:59:11 GMT
Talking to a friend on the phone has helped me a lot, at least in the short term.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 26, 2018 23:35:49 GMT
I feel ya!! I want to reach out to mine and he probably actually wants me to but, I set a boundary and I have to stick to it. It takes two to tango and hes one sided right now...
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 27, 2018 1:23:39 GMT
Yup, feel ya too! It's hard to not keep circling around the desire for reconciliation. Maybe you can do a substitute behavior (ex: have a Microsoft Word doc where you write the things you wish you could email/text/say but just keep the file for you, don't actually send it). OR do something self-soothing like go for a walk outside or take a hot bath or something along those lines.
I'm convinced that fighting the urge doesn't help. It's not like a battle that can be won. It's a feeling the psyche needs and so resisting it won't make it go away... Though, one can eventually reach a place where one knows that the urge will not lead to any behavior or risk of actually contacting the person. I still get the urge even after 10 years but I finally know I won't ever act on it. I'm not sure the urge ever goes completely away forever never to return, but maybe it can for some people.
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Post by epicgum on Oct 27, 2018 1:45:01 GMT
Yup, feel ya too! It's hard to not keep circling around the desire for reconciliation. Maybe you can do a substitute behavior (ex: have a Microsoft Word doc where you write the things you wish you could email/text/say but just keep the file for you, don't actually send it). OR do something self-soothing like go for a walk outside or take a hot bath or something along those lines. I'm convinced that fighting the urge doesn't help. It's not like a battle that can be won. It's a feeling the psyche needs and so resisting it won't make it go away... Though, one can eventually reach a place where one knows that the urge will not lead to any behavior or risk of actually contacting the person. I still get the urge even after 10 years but I finally know I won't ever act on it. I'm not sure the urge ever goes completely away forever never to return, but maybe it can for some people. 10 years? Fuck. Good thoughts otherwise though. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 27, 2018 1:48:56 GMT
10 years? Fuck. Good thoughts otherwise though. What can I say, I'm a nostalgic, loyal, idealistic person who is not good at letting go  I'd still like to reconcile someday, but it took me 10 years to decide to (or be able to) stop wondering if I should reach out. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:36:57 GMT
Yup, feel ya too! It's hard to not keep circling around the desire for reconciliation. Maybe you can do a substitute behavior (ex: have a Microsoft Word doc where you write the things you wish you could email/text/say but just keep the file for you, don't actually send it). OR do something self-soothing like go for a walk outside or take a hot bath or something along those lines. I'm convinced that fighting the urge doesn't help. It's not like a battle that can be won. It's a feeling the psyche needs and so resisting it won't make it go away... Though, one can eventually reach a place where one knows that the urge will not lead to any behavior or risk of actually contacting the person. I still get the urge even after 10 years but I finally know I won't ever act on it. I'm not sure the urge ever goes completely away forever never to return, but maybe it can for some people. 10 YEARS??!! No!! 😳 |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:37:51 GMT
Yup, feel ya too! It's hard to not keep circling around the desire for reconciliation. Maybe you can do a substitute behavior (ex: have a Microsoft Word doc where you write the things you wish you could email/text/say but just keep the file for you, don't actually send it). OR do something self-soothing like go for a walk outside or take a hot bath or something along those lines. I'm convinced that fighting the urge doesn't help. It's not like a battle that can be won. It's a feeling the psyche needs and so resisting it won't make it go away... Though, one can eventually reach a place where one knows that the urge will not lead to any behavior or risk of actually contacting the person. I still get the urge even after 10 years but I finally know I won't ever act on it. I'm not sure the urge ever goes completely away forever never to return, but maybe it can for some people. 10 years? Fuck. Good thoughts otherwise though. My thoughts exactly, Epic!! Talk about draining my hope Lol ugh |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:39:13 GMT
I feel ya!! I want to reach out to mine and he probably actually wants me to but, I set a boundary and I have to stick to it. It takes two to tango and hes one sided right now... One-sided tango is difficult... |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:41:23 GMT
Reach out to a friend instead. I'm sorry, I do not know what you are going through, but it seems cery difficult. Maybe talking to a friend on the phone could help? Thanks...that does help but I feel like my friends are so over this guy!! I went for a run- exercise, prayer and online support are my biggest helps. My kids keep me busy but they’re with their dad this weekend. Those weekends are hard. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 27, 2018 3:04:36 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help.
When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing.
Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise.
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Post by epicgum on Oct 27, 2018 4:23:21 GMT
Reach out to a friend instead. I'm sorry, I do not know what you are going through, but it seems cery difficult. Maybe talking to a friend on the phone could help? Thanks...that does help but I feel like my friends are so over this guy!! I went for a run- exercise, prayer and online support are my biggest helps. My kids keep me busy but they’re with their dad this weekend. Those weekends are hard. I know what you mean. Weekends, Friday nights are the hardest. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 27, 2018 4:26:09 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help. When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing. Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise. I dunno kristyrose I've been NC for like 4 months now and I'm definitely not getting that sense of calm. If you are...have you considered blocking his number? I hate to see you in pain like this when it seems like you really do have the ability to move on. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 4:38:16 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help. When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing. Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise. I second what Epic said- if you do so much better in nc and then he reaches out...Would you be able to block him? I blocked my ex husband in every way 3 years ago and I never regretted it. It was the way to gain peace and move forward... |
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