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Post by ocarina on Nov 11, 2018 22:35:50 GMT
I have children - the eldest is 22 and the youngest 11 (there are six in all).
I am close to all of them - they all bring the usual challenges now and then but that's life and all in all they are a lovely bunch.
The second eldest who is 20 has been dating someone for nearly a year and was complaining to me of feeling bored, wanting to be free again etc etc etc - she's great - probably on the AP side whilst he's on the avoidant....ffwd to now - they separated he thought this was amicable and two weeks later he's missing her, thinks he may have made a mistake, admits he always gets bored once the chase is over etc etc. A worryingly familiar pattern to me - and he recognises that he has a problem here. He does ask me for advice and I would very much like him to learn about himself now, to begin to heal and have a chance to develop a future without harming himself or others in relationships.
I also am aware that I cannot control him.
Any ideas how to navigate this kind of thing?
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Post by epicgum on Nov 11, 2018 23:55:49 GMT
Why not hand him one of the books about this sort of thing. Hes asking for advice, hes probably open to learning the theory. Wish I'd learned about this at that age.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 12, 2018 1:01:12 GMT
My first thought too was hand him one of the books...
It's also true that a 20yo's idea of what makes a good relationship may not match a 40yos or a 60yos, and that's part of being 20. We date, we desire, we learn... However, it may be he has unrealistic or unhealthy ideas about romance (like if he expects or wants it to always be exciting, to always be "in love"). How do you get someone past that sort of understanding about romance in a culture that typically espouses such an idea? 20 is still young though. Most people really aren't ready to meet a life partner at 20 even though they may think they are. I think most people are glad they didn't marry the one they were in love or lust with at 20 because we simply lack the skills then to both select healthy partners and to be a healthy partner. Some things we have to learn the hard way. And can one even recognize one's own attachment styles at 20 without having more time in life to have lived through patterns?
But yeah, if one has the insight of some of these books early in life I wonder how the journey would be different. My youthful love life was pretty much tragic, but knowing more about attachment styles wouldn't have been as useful THEN as other things (managing depression better, having higher self esteem).
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Post by epicgum on Nov 12, 2018 1:19:32 GMT
My first thought too was hand him one of the books... It's also true that a 20yo's idea of what makes a good relationship may not match a 40yos or a 60yos, and that's part of being 20. We date, we desire, we learn... However, it may be he has unrealistic or unhealthy ideas about romance (like if he expects or wants it to always be exciting, to always be "in love"). How do you get someone past that sort of understanding about romance in a culture that typically espouses such an idea? 20 is still young though. Most people really aren't ready to meet a life partner at 20 even though they may think they are. I think most people are glad they didn't marry the one they were in love or lust with at 20 because we simply lack the skills then to both select healthy partners and to be a healthy partner. Some things we have to learn the hard way. And can one even recognize one's own attachment styles at 20 without having more time in life to have lived through patterns? But yeah, if one has the insight of some of these books early in life I wonder how the journey would be different. My youthful love life was pretty much tragic, but knowing more about attachment styles wouldn't have been as useful THEN as other things (managing depression better, having higher self esteem). Probably those things are more important sure, but for ME, at 21 I got into my second relationship, which was a deeply toxic FA/AP (possibly borderline) pairing that ended in copious amounts of self harm, suicide threats and a suicide attempt. Obviously it was dangerous and horrible for her, and I was utterly overwhelmed and terrified trying to meet her insatiable needs while still running away, probably making me way more FA freaked out and unavailable for the next relationship (25-28). If either of us had known about attachment theory maybe that relationship would have been less scarring for both of us (or not happened). For me, I firmly believe that more knowledgeable is always a good thing. If it were me I'd mandate all of this stuff be taught in in HS. Of course, he may not be interested in reading a self help book about love at his age. Being a teenage boy, the Niel Strauss book might be a better fit as they are good stories and feature copious amounts of wild sex. Just my thoughts! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 1:42:59 GMT
I have children - the eldest is 22 and the youngest 11 (there are six in all). I am close to all of them - they all bring the usual challenges now and then but that's life and all in all they are a lovely bunch. The second eldest who is 20 has been dating someone for nearly a year and was complaining to me of feeling bored, wanting to be free again etc etc etc - she's great - probably on the AP side whilst he's on the avoidant....ffwd to now - they separated he thought this was amicable and two weeks later he's missing her, thinks he may have made a mistake, admits he always gets bored once the chase is over etc etc. A worryingly familiar pattern to me - and he recognises that he has a problem here. He does ask me for advice and I would very much like him to learn about himself now, to begin to heal and have a chance to develop a future without harming himself or others in relationships. I also am aware that I cannot control him. Any ideas how to navigate this kind of thing? i provided my adult children with attachment style tests via links, and some good web resources. they were fascinated, and liked the information a lot! my 22yo daughter is AP and my 20yo son is secure/dismissive slightly. their father was FA and abandoned them at very young ages but has stayed in an out of their lives as an active addict. they are into self growth and awareness and my daughter was recognizing AP patterns in herself and her recent short term boyfriend behaved textbook FA- she actually was able to see things early on as dysfunctional and has left the entanglement. my son just started dating a new girl but we recently had a great talk about dismissiveness and authenticity in relationships. i think they are doing great. i never felt the need to influence them in this other than provide information and support and it's gone really well. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 12, 2018 1:56:40 GMT
Its normal to miss one you've spent a year with, they were a huge part of your life even if you dont stay together, etc. I didn't want my ex back but didn't mean I didn't miss him, we spent 5 years together, he was big part of my life. There was this 'void' even though I was perfectly good I was moving on from him. I was happy and excited to restart my life. My DA side was triggered at the end and I still missed. My DA triggers are different from an actual DA, I have some of the behaviors in certain situations. To add: My DA kicks in with clingy needy behavior and when Im ready to be done with a relashionship.
He could just have those normal feelings, shes gone, and hes 20.
Certainly will only help to learn about attachment, wish I knew about this long ago! LOL
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 2:13:49 GMT
My first thought too was hand him one of the books... It's also true that a 20yo's idea of what makes a good relationship may not match a 40yos or a 60yos, and that's part of being 20. We date, we desire, we learn... However, it may be he has unrealistic or unhealthy ideas about romance (like if he expects or wants it to always be exciting, to always be "in love"). How do you get someone past that sort of understanding about romance in a culture that typically espouses such an idea? 20 is still young though. Most people really aren't ready to meet a life partner at 20 even though they may think they are. I think most people are glad they didn't marry the one they were in love or lust with at 20 because we simply lack the skills then to both select healthy partners and to be a healthy partner. Some things we have to learn the hard way. And can one even recognize one's own attachment styles at 20 without having more time in life to have lived through patterns? But yeah, if one has the insight of some of these books early in life I wonder how the journey would be different. My youthful love life was pretty much tragic, but knowing more about attachment styles wouldn't have been as useful THEN as other things (managing depression better, having higher self esteem). Ha!! I met my future husband at 14...got quickly attached AP style and married at 19! I can assure you that I feel 20 is WAY too young to get married!!! 🤷♀️🙂 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 2:25:21 GMT
Honestly....I have known I was AP (at the time it was presented to me as love addict) for a long time.....but I was not in a place to really do intense work until now.
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Post by ocarina on Nov 12, 2018 6:42:48 GMT
Thanks to all - no time to reply in detail at the moment but wanted to add - I know 20 is v v young and am not expecting him to form a certain bond. What he described to me are feelings of wanting to be in relationship over and over and then boredom once he is. He also hurt this girl by basically checking out, telling her he was bored after a full on hot pursuit at the start.
This is common in our culture of unnrealistic expectations but I still believe it’s avtoxic pattern and he recognizes that.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 12, 2018 8:44:36 GMT
If he's asking for advice, I second giving him a link to an assessment. Then you'll know if he's insecurely attaching or if he's 20 and young, and can follow up with an appropriate book recommendation. Then leave him to it, with an open invitation to discuss it further if he ever wants to.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 10:32:46 GMT
Thanks to all - no time to reply in detail at the moment but wanted to add - I know 20 is v v young and am not expecting him to form a certain bond. What he described to me are feelings of wanting to be in relationship over and over and then boredom once he is. He also hurt this girl by basically checking out, telling her he was bored after a full on hot pursuit at the start. This is common in our culture of unnrealistic expectations but I still believe it’s avtoxic pattern and he recognizes that. a) he misses her but does he want her back? In another words does he miss having a partner or does he miss her as a girlfriend? b) was she boring? what kind of person he is? does he need a some sort of stimulation she wasn't able to provide? A lot of young guys (girls too) will pursue a relationship because of sexual attraction (or a "need" to be in a relationship) without knowing what they want. They find it's not "it" once the chemicals ware off. Vast majority of people are boring(or incompatible), very young girls tend to be really boring. If he knows the importance of personal relationships, I'd encourage him to figure out what he actually likes, what he wants from his partner, and in his life. I'd also try to explain how communication and emotional self awareness matters. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 12:35:09 GMT
Thanks to all - no time to reply in detail at the moment but wanted to add - I know 20 is v v young and am not expecting him to form a certain bond. What he described to me are feelings of wanting to be in relationship over and over and then boredom once he is. He also hurt this girl by basically checking out, telling her he was bored after a full on hot pursuit at the start. This is common in our culture of unnrealistic expectations but I still believe it’s avtoxic pattern and he recognizes that. also, 20 is not at all too young. it depends on the individual. both my adult kids remain aware and talk about attachment now, in their dating lives. we can lead by example. in my family, my kids have seen such a change in my intimate relationships, and i have spoken to them about it all along, because it's powerful. leading by example has apparently made a difference. they don't want icky relationships any more than i do! |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 12:51:46 GMT
Thanks to all - no time to reply in detail at the moment but wanted to add - I know 20 is v v young and am not expecting him to form a certain bond. What he described to me are feelings of wanting to be in relationship over and over and then boredom once he is. He also hurt this girl by basically checking out, telling her he was bored after a full on hot pursuit at the start. This is common in our culture of unnrealistic expectations but I still believe it’s avtoxic pattern and he recognizes that. My brother is 47 and ended a 5 year relationship with a secure girl because he felt "bored". I think it is good to recognize this pattern early. The Internet has given us the feeling of unlimited choices via swipes on various dating sites, while also giving off the impression that relationship should always be exciting, fulfilling etc. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 12, 2018 14:30:36 GMT
Thanks to all - no time to reply in detail at the moment but wanted to add - I know 20 is v v young and am not expecting him to form a certain bond. What he described to me are feelings of wanting to be in relationship over and over and then boredom once he is. He also hurt this girl by basically checking out, telling her he was bored after a full on hot pursuit at the start. This is common in our culture of unnrealistic expectations but I still believe it’s avtoxic pattern and he recognizes that. 20 might be too young to "know yourself" and get married in that sense, but it's definitely not too young to form a strong and potentially damaging attachment to someone. Keep in mind a couple hundred years ago, common people got married in the late teens, had kids in the 20s and then died by late 20s. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 15:19:16 GMT
20 is young but not so young. I am not sure his style is fully evident at this time as it's somewhat normal to date around at that age and figure out what your needs are. It's never too early though to learn about self awareness. Maybe getting to know himself, not necessarily in the context of relationships, but just as himself is a good step.
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