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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 22:22:40 GMT
Why are you texting with him? It is so unhealthy, you are setting yourself up for hurt. Why? Draw the line, stop the contact, start healing. Hi Lizzie...I get the question...I am working on myself to change the dynamic so that I can be a friend. I am very much aware of my desire for something more and it is all on my side of things...which is why I posted this here and not so much in the general section. Also....I think what has been stirred up by your question is good.....I can feel myself slipping into feelings of defiance while outwardly crying (it's been an interesting defense mechanism...a don't be mad at me for disagreeing/being angry at you tactic...very young and extremely automatic). The reality is....I am not ready to give B up....so since I am not willing to go down that direction...then I have to try to work through and heal where I can. Today, the healing is not hearing back from him and the fear that arises. Biggest question of all is why do I immediately think he is with someone else and not just busy with family, activities or simply left his phone somewhere. This is what always happens when I don't hear from him and I want to get to the root of it. And he just responded...so of course now the world is ok....even though the world was ok before. You and I were both activated Sunday and my ex DA never did respond. I was able to recognize the escalation and manage any protest behavior- which was progress. I didn’t have suspicions about him being with anyone- he’s an introvert and happy to be left alone and watch football; however, I had to deal with his ignoring and logically accept we are broken up, he’s not willing to date me or anyone right now- possibly ever and he was shutting down from some issues he had Sat that he alluded to but didn’t disclose to me. I had to be calm in the uncertainty and with his dismissing and ignoring. I had to not need him to be my security blanket. New to me. It wasn’t easy but as I came out of it Sunday night, it felt like a victory and I felt better than I had in days. It felt liberating to not allow him to be the reason that I activate....if we can look at it that way, it’s easier to manage. I feel for you though....hard stuff 💗 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 22:35:59 GMT
It is sad to see that even wise women get addicted.  You do realise that this is an addiction, right? I have been reading the forums here for a while, probably about 2 years now. I know your story, I have seen ups and downs. I have my own story, being AP in my 40s. I do not have the luxury of cutting the cord as I work with my source of addiction. So I know first hand how hard it is, yet possible. I just think you are lucky, you can break free and yet, you choose to torture yourself. Something about your last post does not sound right. It is irresponsible, even childish, I am very sorry to say. You could, if you wanted to, choose you and your health, take responsibility for your actions and emotions. But I guess you are not in the very bottom yet. The journey to freedom is different for everyone. I beg you, get angry. Start by getting angry at me, I do not mind. Anger is such a strong driving force. Maybe it drives you out of this bottomless hole. Otherwise you sit and sit in the dark having no idea what is out there. Sometimes good people are bad together. Yes Lizzie...I was regressed when I wrote you and truly unable to unclench my hands....it comes in waves and I find that the most loving thing I can do is allow it to be...that is why I come here...so it gets written down and out of my head.....but I can see how poisonous it looks to outsiders. It is the holidays...I suspect I won't see B again for months...nothing to really bring him out this way. His answers were short....so I let the conversation go.....he answered....there is nothing more to ask or discuss. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 22:39:04 GMT
Thank you.....yes...I am a Christian as well....and I am trying to use this time to grow closer to God and trust in what His plans re for me. Today I am much better. Good sleep and prayer has gotten me over this hump. It was my birthday on Saturday so I was feeling a bit low not celebrating it with him....and I do miss the community because it was my single source of friendships....but I know me and I really cannot go back right now. Not until I can see B strictly from a friend perspective. I pray every day that God would transform my love for B so that it would be more reflective of hoe God loves B, without all the fleshy desires and jealousy etc...but so far, that transformation has not occurred so I will wait. Happy belated Birthday 🌟🎂🌟 Yes, allow God to be your secure base. 24 hour access to calm our anxiety. Give it over to God. A big piece to the security is trust for me. The opposite of worry is trust. I need to trust that God is not withholding any good thing from me and if S and I are meant to be than we can find our way back. Same w you and B. I also trust that if this never happens than something better is in my future. Win/win We don’t have the benefit of the big picture so we need to believe that these present circumstances and feelings are not forever but are strengthening, establishing and preparing us. Time and space aren’t reason to panic. I’m beginning to recognize this season as a time of rest- a time out from the rat race and efforting. Give yourself that break and bask in a time of no time frame or agenda. This is about you. It’s hard to trust in times of uncertainty but if you can release the fear and instead begin to trust that God has you and your future, then it’s easier to release control...and B. Hugs ❤️ |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 22:45:46 GMT
Hi Lizzie...I get the question...I am working on myself to change the dynamic so that I can be a friend. I am very much aware of my desire for something more and it is all on my side of things...which is why I posted this here and not so much in the general section. Also....I think what has been stirred up by your question is good.....I can feel myself slipping into feelings of defiance while outwardly crying (it's been an interesting defense mechanism...a don't be mad at me for disagreeing/being angry at you tactic...very young and extremely automatic). The reality is....I am not ready to give B up....so since I am not willing to go down that direction...then I have to try to work through and heal where I can. Today, the healing is not hearing back from him and the fear that arises. Biggest question of all is why do I immediately think he is with someone else and not just busy with family, activities or simply left his phone somewhere. This is what always happens when I don't hear from him and I want to get to the root of it. And he just responded...so of course now the world is ok....even though the world was ok before. You and I were both activated Sunday and my ex DA never did respond. I was able to recognize the escalation and manage any protest behavior- which was progress. I didn’t have suspicions about him being with anyone- he’s an introvert and happy to be left alone and watch football; however, I had to deal with his ignoring and logically accept we are broken up, he’s not willing to date me or anyone right now- possibly ever and he was shutting down from some issues he had Sat that he alluded to but didn’t disclose to me. I had to be calm in the uncertainty and with his dismissing and ignoring. I had to not need him to be my security blanket. New to me. It wasn’t easy but as I came out of it Sunday night, it felt like a victory and I felt better than I had in days. It felt liberating to not allow him to be the reason that I activate....if we can look at it that way, it’s easier to manage. I feel for you though....hard stuff 💗 I think I may make B out to be a bigger catch the he really is.....and throughout our whole relationship I was worried he would get bored and find someone else...it is a really, really old pattern with me.....goes back to my personal flavor of a scarcity model...if iam ot getting...love, attention, care etc from B...then someone else must....and just to make it extra specially cruel....she is better then me, prettier, more chill, able to balance time together and time part, isn't overly emotional, is great at being a encourager...blah, blah, blah...i don't know why I do this to myself...make myself so common and BSo special....make it out like he is so easy andI am so difficult.....make it out like another girl can do all the things, be all the things that I am not. It just sucks on so many levels and he has no clue about this..it is all in my head. And so I breath and I thank my critic for trying to help me in the only way it knows how...so now I have anopportunity to change the dialogue.... |
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Post by blueunif on Nov 12, 2018 23:07:51 GMT
You and I were both activated Sunday and my ex DA never did respond. I was able to recognize the escalation and manage any protest behavior- which was progress. I didn’t have suspicions about him being with anyone- he’s an introvert and happy to be left alone and watch football; however, I had to deal with his ignoring and logically accept we are broken up, he’s not willing to date me or anyone right now- possibly ever and he was shutting down from some issues he had Sat that he alluded to but didn’t disclose to me. I had to be calm in the uncertainty and with his dismissing and ignoring. I had to not need him to be my security blanket. New to me. It wasn’t easy but as I came out of it Sunday night, it felt like a victory and I felt better than I had in days. It felt liberating to not allow him to be the reason that I activate....if we can look at it that way, it’s easier to manage. I feel for you though....hard stuff 💗 I think I may make B out to be a bigger catch the he really is.....and throughout our whole relationship I was worried he would get bored and find someone else...it is a really, really old pattern with me.....goes back to my personal flavor of a scarcity model...if iam ot getting...love, attention, care etc from B...then someone else must....and just to make it extra specially cruel....she is better then me, prettier, more chill, able to balance time together and time part, isn't overly emotional, is great at being a encourager...blah, blah, blah...i don't know why I do this to myself...make myself so common and BSo special....make it out like he is so easy andI am so difficult.....make it out like another girl can do all the things, be all the things that I am not. It just sucks on so many levels and he has no clue about this..it is all in my head. And so I breath and I thank my critic for trying to help me in the only way it knows how...so now I have anopportunity to change the dialogue.... I can't help but smile a little reading these posts as I was in overblown activation last weekend too, and it was also my birthday.....!!! And feeling ok today having received "a breadcrumb". Which isn't great bc it's the pattern. However I will say it's great we can be here in this space together. The see-saw is going up & down madly and we are hanging on for dear life. We are doing a great job with our introspection and working on ourselves. And we get sucked back into the anxiety pit because we are not done healing yet. That is ok. Hugs to both & all. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 23:29:13 GMT
I think I may make B out to be a bigger catch the he really is.....and throughout our whole relationship I was worried he would get bored and find someone else...it is a really, really old pattern with me.....goes back to my personal flavor of a scarcity model...if iam ot getting...love, attention, care etc from B...then someone else must....and just to make it extra specially cruel....she is better then me, prettier, more chill, able to balance time together and time part, isn't overly emotional, is great at being a encourager...blah, blah, blah...i don't know why I do this to myself...make myself so common and BSo special....make it out like he is so easy andI am so difficult.....make it out like another girl can do all the things, be all the things that I am not. It just sucks on so many levels and he has no clue about this..it is all in my head. And so I breath and I thank my critic for trying to help me in the only way it knows how...so now I have anopportunity to change the dialogue.... I can't help but smile a little reading these posts as I was in overblown activation last weekend too, and it was also my birthday.....!!! And feeling ok today having received "a breadcrumb". Which isn't great bc it's the pattern. However I will say it's great we can be here in this space together. The see-saw is going up & down madly and we are hanging on for dear life. We are doing a great job with our introspection and working on ourselves. And we get sucked back into the anxiety pit because we are not done healing yet. That is ok. Hugs to both & all. Happy Belated Birthday!! 🎉🌟🌟🎂🌟🌟🎉 Don’t feel too bad...I didn’t even get a breadcrumb Sunday! Forget the breadcrumb and go for the cake!!🎈🎈 🙂🎈🎈 |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 13, 2018 1:03:56 GMT
Not sure how you’re realky going to heal keeping this up. You know I’m secure and I have to cut ties to heal, that’s what we do. I cannot keep myself trapped or it will prolong healing. He is not good for even as a friend right now. Your need to stay friends with him is not helping you... by your posts while aware you keep taking two steps back instead of forward with this need to be in contact and spending time with him. You want to get to secure stop the madness. You have it in you to do it, I know you do, it’s in all of us waiting to surface. I know this is pretty blunt but I say this with much love. ❤️ I hear you and I acknowledge this is not helping me to move beyond him.....but.....I am not going to lie and say that I will cut contact when I know I won't....not now at least. I can rationally speak to the chemical drug like hold of this pattern...but when I think of cutting ties...it invokes too much fear and I have started down the whole....I will break ties only to desire the perceived connection again. Just being honest. If you really want to get secure, you will cut him out and stop the emotional turmoil. From what I see you just dont really want to be secure, you'd rather keep staying AP by keeping him in your life and staying in emotional turmoil.
For what?? What is he giving you? Not a darn thing but heartache... Why keep on with someone that does nothing but hurt you? What friend is worth this emotional turmoil?
I also dont see you as rational, youre letting him rule your emotions, which in turn is ruling things in your life, thats not rational.
Hes actually enabling you by keeping in contact. Hes a jerk for his part in this too.
Even therapist will tell you it has to stop. You need to move on or you will never progress. This is the rational reality you dont want to see.
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Post by epicgum on Nov 13, 2018 1:36:08 GMT
I hear you and I acknowledge this is not helping me to move beyond him.....but.....I am not going to lie and say that I will cut contact when I know I won't....not now at least. I can rationally speak to the chemical drug like hold of this pattern...but when I think of cutting ties...it invokes too much fear and I have started down the whole....I will break ties only to desire the perceived connection again. Just being honest. If you really want to get secure, you will cut him out and stop the emotional turmoil. From what I see you just dont really want to be secure, you'd rather keep staying AP by keeping him in your life and staying in emotional turmoil.
For what?? What is he giving you? Not a darn thing but heartache... Why keep on with someone that does nothing but hurt you? What friend is worth this emotional turmoil?
I also dont see you as rational, youre letting him rule your emotions, which in turn is ruling things in your life, thats not rational.
Hes actually enabling you by keeping in contact. Hes a jerk for his part in this too.
Even therapist will tell you it has to stop. You need to move on or you will never progress. This is the rational reality you dont want to see.
It's easy to say, but pretty damn hard to actually do. Like tnr9 said, it is basically a drug addiction. That's why I'd say to try to replace it with new friendships and relationships, this way you can start to get your love fix from other people and places. Edit: I think that you are doing the right thing tnr9 by being honest with us and with yourself that you are not going to delete his contact info or not reach out or anything. I do think you can and should commit to taking smaller steps to help ease your pain. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 13, 2018 1:41:37 GMT
You and I were both activated Sunday and my ex DA never did respond. I was able to recognize the escalation and manage any protest behavior- which was progress. I didn’t have suspicions about him being with anyone- he’s an introvert and happy to be left alone and watch football; however, I had to deal with his ignoring and logically accept we are broken up, he’s not willing to date me or anyone right now- possibly ever and he was shutting down from some issues he had Sat that he alluded to but didn’t disclose to me. I had to be calm in the uncertainty and with his dismissing and ignoring. I had to not need him to be my security blanket. New to me. It wasn’t easy but as I came out of it Sunday night, it felt like a victory and I felt better than I had in days. It felt liberating to not allow him to be the reason that I activate....if we can look at it that way, it’s easier to manage. I feel for you though....hard stuff 💗 I think I may make B out to be a bigger catch the he really is.....and throughout our whole relationship I was worried he would get bored and find someone else...it is a really, really old pattern with me.....goes back to my personal flavor of a scarcity model...if iam ot getting...love, attention, care etc from B...then someone else must....and just to make it extra specially cruel....she is better then me, prettier, more chill, able to balance time together and time part, isn't overly emotional, is great at being a encourager...blah, blah, blah...i don't know why I do this to myself...make myself so common and BSo special....make it out like he is so easy andI am so difficult.....make it out like another girl can do all the things, be all the things that I am not. It just sucks on so many levels and he has no clue about this..it is all in my head. And so I breath and I thank my critic for trying to help me in the only way it knows how...so now I have anopportunity to change the dialogue.... I think I’m also coming around to accept that I can’t bring a guy back to me with him kicking or screaming- or shut down in this case. He wouldn’t respect me for trying...and it’s not a relationship anyway with only one person who wants to be there. At this point I’m trying to have some dignity and self-respect and accept if he can’t be bothered returning a text than I shouldn’t spend time ruminating. It bothers me less. It’s just not helpful for me to feed on his deactivation. We deserve guys who want to be with us...whether it’s in the form of a friend or more. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 13, 2018 1:56:03 GMT
If you really want to get secure, you will cut him out and stop the emotional turmoil. From what I see you just dont really want to be secure, you'd rather keep staying AP by keeping him in your life and staying in emotional turmoil.
For what?? What is he giving you? Not a darn thing but heartache... Why keep on with someone that does nothing but hurt you? What friend is worth this emotional turmoil?
I also dont see you as rational, youre letting him rule your emotions, which in turn is ruling things in your life, thats not rational.
Hes actually enabling you by keeping in contact. Hes a jerk for his part in this too.
Even therapist will tell you it has to stop. You need to move on or you will never progress. This is the rational reality you dont want to see.
It's easy to say, but pretty damn hard to actually do. Like tnr9 said, it is basically a drug addiction. That's why I'd say to try to replace it with new friendships and relationships, this way you can start to get your love fix from other people and places. Edit: I think that you are doing the right thing tnr9 by being honest with us and with yourself that you are not going to delete his contact info or not reach out or anything. I do think you can and should commit to taking smaller steps to help ease your pain. I know its hard to do, Ive been there, Im walking in the shoes as I type. Im still going through the cut off stage... I want to reach out So bad and I want him in my life too... but its Not healthy. I know he'd be friends with me, talk to me, want to see me ,etc if I reached out/perused but it will just bring hurt. hes not worth a friend if it just hurts me, no friend is. Friends can come after healing and romantic feelings are gone. Why replace? The substitution is one addiction for another so to speak. Replacement needs to be self love, staying trapped to him is not self love and replacing him is not self love. The love fix needs to be with ones self not another person or thing. Now new things Can propel you but its not a replacement for self love and being secure. Replacements wont get you to a secure place, its just a band aid. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 13, 2018 2:17:14 GMT
It's easy to say, but pretty damn hard to actually do. Like tnr9 said, it is basically a drug addiction. That's why I'd say to try to replace it with new friendships and relationships, this way you can start to get your love fix from other people and places. Edit: I think that you are doing the right thing tnr9 by being honest with us and with yourself that you are not going to delete his contact info or not reach out or anything. I do think you can and should commit to taking smaller steps to help ease your pain. I know its hard to do, Ive been there, Im walking in the shoes as I type. Im still going through the cut off stage... I want to reach out So bad and I want him in my life too... but its Not healthy. Why replace? The substitution is one addiction for another so to speak. Replacement needs to be self love, staying trapped to him is not self love and replacing him is not self love. The love fix needs to be with ones self not another person or thing. Now new things Can propel you but its not a replacement for self love and being secure. Replacements wont get you to a secure place, its just a band aid. Self love is important, but I dont think its possible to get all of these needs met within yourself. I really think that you do need other people for some about of validation/commmunication/being heard. Because you are secure, you are probably emotionally and socially healthier than me and already have those strong platonic bonds that can help to lessen the impact of the loss and provide for some of those needs. I do not, or at least do not have them on the level I'd like. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 13, 2018 2:37:54 GMT
I know its hard to do, Ive been there, Im walking in the shoes as I type. Im still going through the cut off stage... I want to reach out So bad and I want him in my life too... but its Not healthy. Why replace? The substitution is one addiction for another so to speak. Replacement needs to be self love, staying trapped to him is not self love and replacing him is not self love. The love fix needs to be with ones self not another person or thing. Now new things Can propel you but its not a replacement for self love and being secure. Replacements wont get you to a secure place, its just a band aid. Self love is important, but I dont think its possible to get all of these needs met within yourself. I really think that you do need other people for some about of validation/commmunication/being heard. Because you are secure, you are probably emotionally and socially healthier than me and already have those strong platonic bonds that can help to lessen the impact of the loss and provide for some of those needs. I do not, or at least do not have them on the level I'd like. It is possible, I live it, self love is about self and not anyone else. I even have an addictive personality so I get addictions.
Truthfully I dont have much for bonds, I dont even have a strong bond with my family. Much of it is more surface level. Ive had them over the years though.
I live in much of my 'turmoil' alone because I know I will survive no matter what or who is in my life, I got me and Im perfectly imperfect awesomeness even alone. Another doesn't make me happy they will only add to my happiness. I do laso know you do need some bonding with others too. I really do get that.
Heck my DA/FA guy had me full AP so to speak! LOL Im even having stupid obsessive thoughts about him right now... Some of the same thoughts as the OP. Literally.
Sometimes I wonder how I landed so secure! haha. Anything is possible and I think the Op is stronger than she thinks, she just not harnessing her awesomeness.
I think all of you are stronger than you think, you're here and self aware now, that takes great strengths.
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Post by epicgum on Nov 13, 2018 3:02:44 GMT
Self love is important, but I dont think its possible to get all of these needs met within yourself. I really think that you do need other people for some about of validation/commmunication/being heard. Because you are secure, you are probably emotionally and socially healthier than me and already have those strong platonic bonds that can help to lessen the impact of the loss and provide for some of those needs. I do not, or at least do not have them on the level I'd like. It is possible, I live it, self love is about self and not anyone else. I even have an addictive personality so I get addictions.
Truthfully I dont have much for bonds, I dont even have a strong bond with my family. Much of it is more surface level. Ive had them over the years though.
I live in much of my 'turmoil' alone because I know I will survive no matter what or who is in my life, I got me and Im perfectly imperfect awesomeness even alone. Another doesn't make me happy they will only add to my happiness. I do laso know you do need some bonding with others too. I really do get that.
Heck my DA/FA guy had me full AP so to speak! LOL Im even having stupid obsessive thoughts about him right now... Some of the same thoughts as the OP. Literally.
Sometimes I wonder how I landed so secure! haha. Anything is possible and I think the Op is stronger than she thinks, she just not harnessing her awesomeness.
I think all of you are stronger than you think, you're here and self aware now, that takes great strengths.
Thanks @8765309 I appreciate your perspective, even if I'm not sure I agree with it, and I appreciate your supportive thoughts as well. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 13, 2018 4:19:00 GMT
I know its hard to do, Ive been there, Im walking in the shoes as I type. Im still going through the cut off stage... I want to reach out So bad and I want him in my life too... but its Not healthy. Why replace? The substitution is one addiction for another so to speak. Replacement needs to be self love, staying trapped to him is not self love and replacing him is not self love. The love fix needs to be with ones self not another person or thing. Now new things Can propel you but its not a replacement for self love and being secure. Replacements wont get you to a secure place, its just a band aid. Self love is important, but I dont think its possible to get all of these needs met within yourself. I really think that you do need other people for some about of validation/commmunication/being heard. Because you are secure, you are probably emotionally and socially healthier than me and already have those strong platonic bonds that can help to lessen the impact of the loss and provide for some of those needs. I do not, or at least do not have them on the level I'd like. Epic- I can tell you...I’ve had “replacements” literally my whole life and they just don’t work...they are simply a band aid that will eventually lead to more turmoil in the future. They are usually more than a band aid- they are destructive. That’s why for the first time I am choosing to be alone and foster self-love within. I can foster friendships, but I don’t want another romantic partner to take the place of S so I can “monkey branch” to another form of insecure attachment. At my age, I figure it’s finally time to grow up emotionally and learn to be autonomous and find my love and security within...once I’m happy and content alone, I’ll have the love, security and confidence within to share with someone else. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 13, 2018 11:51:39 GMT
Self love is important, but I dont think its possible to get all of these needs met within yourself. I really think that you do need other people for some about of validation/commmunication/being heard. Because you are secure, you are probably emotionally and socially healthier than me and already have those strong platonic bonds that can help to lessen the impact of the loss and provide for some of those needs. I do not, or at least do not have them on the level I'd like. Epic- I can tell you...I’ve had “replacements” literally my whole life and they just don’t work...they are simply a band aid that will eventually lead to more turmoil in the future. They are usually more than a band aid- they are destructive. That’s why for the first time I am choosing to be alone and foster self-love within. I can foster friendships, but I don’t want another romantic partner to take the place of S so I can “monkey branch” to another form of insecure attachment. At my age, I figure it’s finally time to grow up emotionally and learn to be autonomous and find my love and security within...once I’m happy and content alone, I’ll have the love, security and confidence within to share with someone else. Yes, replacements dont work. Like that saying get on top of another to get over another, I found years ago this did not work at all! haha Learning to love the self and being alone is a gift. Im good alone and even being ok alone you'll still be lonely sometimes and thats ok too. The loneliness passes because you got you and in time someone else will come. You'll have good days and bad days. When you let go, cutting those energetic cords to another person and grow alone, the universe will send good things. Cutting cords allows the universe to send someone emotionally balanced and with cords still attached its just hindering what the universe wants to send you as you're not learning the lesson still having cords attached. Gosh darn it... its so damn hard to cut cords! It really is but we all got this! 
Its also you cant be happy with another until you're happy with yourself. This doesnt mean your life has to be perfect nor you. We can still be happy even if things still need work, etc.
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