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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 0:16:01 GMT
Incredible...there are so many issues all conflated here. 1. Physical or non-physical boundaries MUST be respected, *always*. Even spouses should seek and receive consent from their partners before insisting on sexual advances. Anything less = Molestation or Rape. Not to mention a complete stranger on a first date! Those on the receiving end of unwanted sexual touching, men or women, can be very much traumatized by the experience. I still cannot forget or get over the times when I was molested by strangers, even from when I was young. Beyond having one's boundaries violated and disrespected, there is accompanying fear and the feeling of helplessness, and later loathing - this goes right deep into the limbic system. The unwanted feeling of being touched by somebody triggers nausea and disgust - this is why it is "disgusting", and why terms like "creep" or "perv" are used to describe those who feel no qualms about violating others' boundaries sexually. Their behavior deserves the disgust, and if they cannot undo their aggressive personality, they deserve the labels. 2. The other completely unrelated topic that got conflated is the issue of rejection, and rejection springs painfully from the limbic system as well when triggered. However, OP wasn't rejecting the date, she was rejecting the violation of her boundaries and his unwanted aggression towards her. She was defending herself. She might not feel attraction for him, but that's par for the course - every one of us will be rejected by some one in our lives, fairly or unfairly. We need to accept the will and boundaries of others, learn our lessons and move on to others who will accept us. If too many people are rejecting us, we should perhaps look deep within ourselves to try to understand if we have taken on mal-adaptive habits and defenses. 3. Absolutely, we are all grown ups and we should grow a thicker skin and either stay to defend our ground in courteous exchange or exit the kitchen when it gets too hot; there are other threads to hang out, such as the "supportive" "huggy" ones. All Excellent points, Liz!!! šøš |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 0:23:16 GMT
I'm posting a second time here because I reflected on my last post and realized that....irony of ironies...I am actually losing my voice and not expressing my feelings on the matter, using more passive expressions to try to manipulate the conversation. So, in the interest of my new experimentation with emotional expression, here goes: It utterly ENRAGES me to see you refer to other people, people trying to connect with you, as "gross" "repulsive" "icky" etc. It feels so dehumanizing and disgusting, I think you should imagine yourself as "gross" "repulsive" and "icky" before you use those words to define other people. What a thread. I grew up in a single parent family where my Mum's friends would come over and bitch about blokes over coffee. I heard the lot, and that is why my daughter does not hear adult conversations, ever. I heard all those things above about men, and some real horror stories. As the only boy around,Ā I knew mens' behaviour was sick. They were lecherous, only in it for one thing and would stop at nothing to get it. Men were not willing to commit, and were a total let down to women. I never wanted to make a woman feel that way. I still don't. Can you imagine what it's like going into adolescence with that tape going? Raging hormones and realising that I was actually one of those men. Just horrible. So, here I was with this almost Victorian view of women, and of course, wanting interaction but scared stiff. Why would they want anything to do with me? I'm just one of "those men".Ā So, as a man, I am charged with taking the risk. Making the first move. Crossing that line from friend to something else. It's downright amazing I've been married twice. I've started seeing someone recently and she said "If I didn't kiss you on the way out the other day, would you have?" The answer would have been no. It doesn't even occur to me that someone would want me to take the risk, and when it does, I get scared for those reasons above. Then, I'm down on myself because of another missed opportunity. I've done a lot of work around this. Paid a lot of money, pulled my life apart and put it back together, but this one is persistent for me. Entitlement in all its forms is awful. Look at the whole #metoo movement. The thing is that somebody has to take the risk somewhere, and, sadly, it mainly still falls to men.Ā And Iād like the risk to continue to fall on men as I donāt like to be the pursuer; however, attempting a kiss and possibly being rejected or not is par for the course in a dating circumstance but inappropriate unwelcome physical touch is another story completely. I refuse to view the man as some kind of sad and misunderstood victim bc he thinks itās ok to trample oneās physical boundary in an attempt to selfishly meet his own needs. The womanās desires should always be taken into account. Secure men and insecure men with common sense get this. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 0:24:52 GMT
I'm the forum police cum mafia don and I forbid anyone to leave these threads!   šš |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 16, 2018 0:34:57 GMT
Or you can lead yet someone else to delete their account ... To be fair, it's not anyone's fault if one conversation causes someone else to delete their account. Nobody is forcing anyone to delete their account or to walk away. Isn't a point of these forums that people are working to be accountable for their own engagements/interactions, decisions, and choices? This is part of what we're learning.
Earlier today I was five seconds away from getting into a Facebook war with someone about what sort of driving on the snow makes someone a [negative slur] after they basically implied I was one, but instead I just "hid" the particular discussion and moved on. I didn't delete my account. I mean, come on.
Granted we should probably be sensitive here to the fact that people are often arriving to these forums in a vulnerable state, sometimes a very vulnerable state....but C. still made the adult decision to delete her account.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 0:55:49 GMT
Aw @rockgirl has left the thread.Ā We are DA, it's our job to leave first! Ā  it's so weird to me how she complains about DA posting on AP threads. We share the forum lol. Have you noticed any AP posting on DA threads? of course, we share the forum. speaking of power. i read the ski report for the high country. it said there was lots of fresh power up there!!! so i went right away to grab it all up. Give me the power! i cried. it turns out, they were talking about POWDER. Powder snow. all i could do was stand there and shake. foiled again. seriously tho she is obsessed with power. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 0:56:12 GMT
I'm the forum police cum mafia don and I forbid anyone to leave these threads! šš»āāļø |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 0:57:10 GMT
Or you can lead yet someone else to delete their account ... To be fair, it's not anyone's fault if one conversation causes someone else to delete their account.Ā Nobody is forcing anyone to delete their account or to walk away. Isn't a point of these forums that people are working to be accountable for their own engagements/interactions, decisions, and choices? This is part of what we're learning.
Earlier today I was five seconds away from getting into a Facebook war with someone about what sort of driving on the snow makes someone a [negative slur] after they basically implied I was one, but instead I just "hid" the particular discussion and moved on. I didn't delete my account. I mean, come on.Ā
Granted we should probably be sensitive here to the fact that people are often arriving to these forums in a vulnerable state, sometimes a very vulnerable state....but C. still made the adult decision to delete her account.
rockgirl is obsessed with the idea that DA are obsessed with power, and ironically she assigns us way to much. it may be projection, idk. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 0:58:44 GMT
and talk about arriving in a vulnerable state!
OP started this thread having been violated and feeling unable to set her boundaries to protect herself.
defending the creep ensued.
just weird.
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Post by mrob on Nov 16, 2018 1:07:55 GMT
What a thread. I grew up in a single parent family where my Mum's friends would come over and bitch about blokes over coffee. I heard the lot, and that is why my daughter does not hear adult conversations, ever. I heard all those things above about men, and some real horror stories. As the only boy around,Ā I knew mens' behaviour was sick. They were lecherous, only in it for one thing and would stop at nothing to get it. Men were not willing to commit, and were a total let down to women. I never wanted to make a woman feel that way. I still don't. Can you imagine what it's like going into adolescence with that tape going? Raging hormones and realising that I was actually one of those men. Just horrible. So, here I was with this almost Victorian view of women, and of course, wanting interaction but scared stiff. Why would they want anything to do with me? I'm just one of "those men".Ā So, as a man, I am charged with taking the risk. Making the first move. Crossing that line from friend to something else. It's downright amazing I've been married twice. I've started seeing someone recently and she said "If I didn't kiss you on the way out the other day, would you have?" The answer would have been no. It doesn't even occur to me that someone would want me to take the risk, and when it does, I get scared for those reasons above. Then, I'm down on myself because of another missed opportunity. I've done a lot of work around this. Paid a lot of money, pulled my life apart and put it back together, but this one is persistent for me. Entitlement in all its forms is awful. Look at the whole #metoo movement. The thing is that somebody has to take the risk somewhere, and, sadly, it mainly still falls to men.Ā And Iād like the risk to continue to fall on men as I donāt like to be the pursuer; however, attempting a kiss and possibly being rejected or not is par for the course in a dating circumstance but inappropriate unwelcome physical touch is another story completely. I refuse to view the man as some kind of sad and misunderstood victim bc he thinks itās ok to trample oneās physical boundary in an attempt to selfishly meet his own needs. The womanās desires should always be taken into account. Secure men and insecure men with common sense get this. Well, thanks for devaluing my lifeās experience. This could go on and on as a battle of the sexes, but surely this is about understanding. Itās interesting that youāre happy to hand over the risk, but when it goes pear shaped because of a lack of ācommon senseā (which, if that was the issue, none of us would need to be here), youāre the first to complain. Iāve only ever been in one situation where I could possibly have been seen as taking liberties, and that was on a second date when I kissed her on the cheek. It triggered her and she sent me a long message to that end. We never saw each other again. Just to put it out there, Iām not defending the creep. Entitlement is distasteful no matter how it is expressed. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 1:20:58 GMT
And Iād like the risk to continue to fall on men as I donāt like to be the pursuer; however, attempting a kiss and possibly being rejected or not is par for the course in a dating circumstance but inappropriate unwelcome physical touch is another story completely. I refuse to view the man as some kind of sad and misunderstood victim bc he thinks itās ok to trample oneās physical boundary in an attempt to selfishly meet his own needs. The womanās desires should always be taken into account. Secure men and insecure men with common sense get this. Well, thanks for devaluing my lifeās experience. This could go on and on as a battle of the sexes, but surely this is about understanding. Itās interesting that youāre happy to hand over the risk, but when it goes pear shaped because of a lack of ācommon senseā (which, if that was the issue, none of us would need to be here), youāre the first to complain. Iāve only ever been in one situation where I could possibly have been seen as taking liberties, and that was on a second date when I kissed her on the cheek. It triggered her and she sent me a long message to that end. We never saw each other again. Just to put it out there, Iām not defending the creep. Entitlement is distasteful no matter how it is expressed. Glad youāre not defending the creep. No need to project your past bad experiences on me- this guy was inappropriate and crossed obvious boundaries that any monkey could see...as far as āhandingā over risk? You give me too much power in the universe. I happened to be born a woman in a world that traditionally holds the man being a man...in the masculine position. Masculine doesnāt equal molester, FYI. Thx!!! Bye, bye š |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 1:24:55 GMT
and talk about arriving in a vulnerable state! OP started this thread having been violated and feeling unable to set her boundaries to protect herself. defending the creep ensued. just weird. Thank you. Some people just donāt get it!!! I thought it was bad but since spent two days defending myself and my view of this clueless man. Extremely twisted |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 1:25:57 GMT
In response to being blamed for something I didn't do, my comments labelled and when providing help on how to learn to protect your boundaries. Nad being told it's OK to be sarcastic such Ā that another forum member deleted their post. I am merely defending my boundaries, If I misquoted you- you have my permission to call the forum police. call a DA, they have all the power. š± |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 1:34:29 GMT
To be fair, it's not anyone's fault if one conversation causes someone else to delete their account.Ā Nobody is forcing anyone to delete their account or to walk away. Isn't a point of these forums that people are working to be accountable for their own engagements/interactions, decisions, and choices? This is part of what we're learning.
Earlier today I was five seconds away from getting into a Facebook war with someone about what sort of driving on the snow makes someone a [negative slur] after they basically implied I was one, but instead I just "hid" the particular discussion and moved on. I didn't delete my account. I mean, come on.Ā
Granted we should probably be sensitive here to the fact that people are often arriving to these forums in a vulnerable state, sometimes a very vulnerable state....but C. still made the adult decision to delete her account.
rockgirl is obsessed with the idea that DA are obsessed with power, and ironically she assigns us way to much. it may be projection, idk. Well, at least sheās all-inclusive in her judgments. She also said APās have a problem with black and white thinking, which was obviously the reason I missed out on Prince Handsy š |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 1:36:25 GMT
If I misquoted you- you have my permission to call the forum police. call a DA, they have all the power. š± I believe Liz already claimed that position a few comments back!! š®āāļø |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 1:37:34 GMT
Very empathetic of you....yes, sarcasm and passive aggression. In response to being blamed for something I didn't do, my comments labelled and when providing help on how to learn to protect your boundaries. Nad being told it's OK to be sarcastic such Ā that another forum member deleted their post. I am merely defending my boundaries, whats so weird is the sarcasm was directed at you and your silly comments, and another poster had to jump in and rail against and delete her account about comments that were not even directed at her. i mean, what? maybe she deleted her account because i have a boundary about getting in another circular conversation with her. last time we interacted much it was on a thread where she admitted she went off on tangents and was mostly trying to figure out her ex by engaging. what resulted was her totalky missing things in the dialog because she was concerned about her ex rather than the topic of the post. that's kind of rude, but don't tell her that. DA is the only rude type here lol. maybe she deleted her account because she and her DA boyfriend broke up and she is triggered by stuff really badly. maybe she deleted her account because she gave me too much power. i've deleted my account when the crap got so thick it was a poor use of my time and i had other things i needed to focus on. and there is a ton of twisted crap on this forum more offensive than sarcasm, in my opinion. please. |
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