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Post by tnr9 on Nov 14, 2018 16:00:36 GMT
So I was thinking about what it has felt like when I have sent B a text and have not heard back....it feels personal..it feels like I am being rejected...it feels like I am being punished....it feels like it says that I am not enough...it feels like I am a bother...it feels like I am an inconvenience....it feels like I am not ok.
The biggest surprise is the feeling of being a bother...as if I have no right to a voice....as if I am dependent on a response to know that things are ok and that the other person is not mad at me...this is so young.....so scared...so mistrusting of my ability to be ok on my own. It ignores completely legitimate reasons for a non response such as the other person being busy, not having their phone with them, being caught up in their own stuff. It also makes a response so vital as the notion of being a bother and not being ok is an incredibly hard feeling to grapple with as a regressed adult. It keeps a relationship transactional and about needing that next hit of acceptance/validation. And it puts my view of my worth in someone else's hands. Good to get this out.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 15, 2018 2:23:41 GMT
Nice point there with "And it puts my view of my worth in someone else's hands."
How could you flip it? What does it look like in your own hands? Ex: instead of you being "a bother" maybe something like-- you were friendly, you offered the friendship a lifeline, you made a peace offering, etc
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 15, 2018 5:44:27 GMT
So I was thinking about what it has felt like when I have sent B a text and have not heard back....it feels personal..it feels like I am being rejected...it feels like I am being punished....it feels like it says that I am not enough...it feels like I am a bother...it feels like I am an inconvenience....it feels like I am not ok. The biggest surprise is the feeling of being a bother...as if I have no right to a voice....as if I am dependent on a response to know that things are ok and that the other person is not mad at me...this is so young.....so scared...so mistrusting of my ability to be ok on my own. It ignores completely legitimate reasons for a non response such as the other person being busy, not having their phone with them, being caught up in their own stuff. It also makes a response so vital as the notion of being a bother and not being ok is an incredibly hard feeling to grapple with as a regressed adult. It keeps a relationship transactional and about needing that next hit of acceptance/validation. And it puts my view of my worth in someone else's hands. Good to get this out. [br Yes, and we do have a voice and the need to be heard...being shut out is anxiety producing for any person- secure or insecure. When S didn’t respond over the weekend, it gave me a dose of reality- even more so than his 2 or 3 word responses. Men do what they want to do- he didn’t respond to me because he didn’t feel like...for whatever reason, he didn’t want to be bothered. That realization motivated me to open my eyes. This isn’t going anywhere and I want more. He won’t give me more. All I can do is let go. We can’t control or change how they think or feel. However, we can stop putting ourselves out for there for more rejection. Pulling away protects me from further stonewalling. We need to focus on ourselves. |
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Post by Lizzie on Nov 15, 2018 8:00:50 GMT
My worth, yes. But more importantly, it is about me being lovable. Or not.
It goes so far back to the childhood and so deep into my heart. The other person (parent, love interest) has the power and controls the resources as they please - love, attention, care, respect. I am the begger and the other one decides what crumbes they throw.
From time to time I have come across people who give freely and this feels weird to someone who has always begged to get something. I am always stunned when this free giving happens. And incredibly grateful.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 15, 2018 10:30:35 GMT
So I was thinking about what it has felt like when I have sent B a text and have not heard back....it feels personal..it feels like I am being rejected...it feels like I am being punished....it feels like it says that I am not enough...it feels like I am a bother...it feels like I am an inconvenience....it feels like I am not ok. The biggest surprise is the feeling of being a bother...as if I have no right to a voice....as if I am dependent on a response to know that things are ok and that the other person is not mad at me...this is so young.....so scared...so mistrusting of my ability to be ok on my own. It ignores completely legitimate reasons for a non response such as the other person being busy, not having their phone with them, being caught up in their own stuff. It also makes a response so vital as the notion of being a bother and not being ok is an incredibly hard feeling to grapple with as a regressed adult. It keeps a relationship transactional and about needing that next hit of acceptance/validation. And it puts my view of my worth in someone else's hands. Good to get this out. [br Yes, and we do have a voice and the need to be heard...being shut out is anxiety producing for any person- secure or insecure. When S didn’t respond over the weekend, it gave me a dose of reality- even more so than his 2 or 3 word responses. Men do what they want to do- he didn’t respond to me because he didn’t feel like...for whatever reason, he didn’t want to be bothered. That realization motivated me to open my eyes. This isn’t going anywhere and I want more. He won’t give me more. All I can do is let go. We can’t control or change how they think or feel. However, we can stop putting ourselves out for there for more rejection. Pulling away protects me from further stonewalling. We need to focus on ourselves. Truth. Its why I let go... We are not going anywhere, certainly not at this time and I was done being treated poorly even if its not personal. I fully understand what he does is not about me doesnt mean Im going to keep taking it.
And in reality, we are treated how we allow ourselves to be treated.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 15, 2018 13:09:38 GMT
Thanks for all the responses....the reason I posted this was not to make it B centric...but to highlight a pattern that I have developed...change the pattern, change the attachment. So I want to look at this a bit more objectively..,why would I think I am a bother when I reach out? Where would I have learned that? So forth.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 15, 2018 22:07:43 GMT
Thanks for all the responses....the reason I posted this was not to make it B centric...but to highlight a pattern that I have developed...change the pattern, change the attachment. So I want to look at this a bit more objectively..,why would I think I am a bother when I reach out? Where would I have learned that? So forth. I think i feel like I’m a bother probably bc it’s rooted deeply in my insecure attachment- in my case, my parents didn’t show me love or affection, physically or emotionally. They only provided for my physical needs but I was starving and neglected for love and affection. I wouldn’t have dared asked for anything bc I felt I was an inconvenience and bother. I can never remember a time I didn’t feel that way. That rejection and pain was internalized as I’m not enough, I’m not worthy and since I was 14 years old and met my husband, I sought validation from a man for me to feel safe, loved and secure. When my target security doesn’t follow through and instead will ignore me or even leave me as S did, I feel that overwhelming abandonment and rejection all over again. It’s a familiar feeling- one deeply rooted within. AP learn to settle but feel less than for feeling lack- then try to earn, chase and pursue what we desperately want and have always wanted. Love and affection. Then feel let down when our partners can’t be our everything. I never internalized that secure base of love and acceptance growing up or until now in my 40’s- that’s why I’m now praying for God to remove those fears and insecurities and help me to feel His love...that is constant and faithful. That’s what’s helping me. This time can still be incredibly painful when I feel the sting of rejection in S leaving me but the smack of that sting comes in waves and lasts for a shorter time and I self-soothe...I needed to learn this. I don’t want to live the rest of my life the way I have...I want out of the AP prison. |
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