Post by richdeniro on Nov 14, 2018 21:00:39 GMT
Hello All,
I did wonder what forum to post this in but here seems the most appropriate, I have a bit of a story so please bear with me and apologies if it becomes a very long post. To begin, it is about a recent relationship breakup that I have gone through and I guess I am healing very slowly, discovering attachment style theories has really helped with that recently and has definitely given me the biggest source of closure so far. I guess why I am here is because I am very analytical, I tend to overanalyse and have been analysing the end of this relationship pretty much everyday since it ended. I guess I am still looking for support and answers on it all so I can move on.
As a result of the breakup back in July I realised it was taking far longer than it should to get over it ending so I recently decided to seek therapy. This has been very helpful and in my latest session the therapist bought up attachment styles - it was fairly clear that I have an anxious attachment style and I am pretty sure that my ex is an avoidant. Further internet searches have really made everything make so much sense with both our behaviours and the way it ended - it also bought me to this forum.
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So the story is that back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I’m 38 by the way. I was seeing her quite intensely… I don’t really know how to describe the relationship as we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She’s 45, three kids and just divorced although she was still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, had separate rooms and the house was up for sale although took forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
From January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. She was incredibly needy at this stage, would message me a lot, want to meet up and always do coupley things together - thinking back she basically lovebombed me too showering me with a lot of love, attention and affection so I felt like her one. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone else. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn’t do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn’t care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.
She didn't reply to my message and the next day I asked her to please reply so I would know what her thoughts were, she didn't address anything in the message I sent and just messaged almost as normal. We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.
I had also noticed that she wasn’t messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I’d message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn’t be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn’t saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I’m assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines. I called her up on it and she said it wasn't anything and then showed me her text messages saying no guys ever message her - I knew full well that it was all done on Whatsapp.
This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long winded message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn’t seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she’s always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn’t really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn’t really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn’t see me. Every time I tried to talk to her about what was going on with us and with her messaging others she would take the flight approach and suggest we take a break.
We met up for a drink the night before she ended things and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don’t think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I’m sorry don’t worry I won’t block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won’t know what I’m looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don’t feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it’s not enough sorry”.
And that’s it really, I didn’t reply to that and haven’t contacted her since – 4 months no contact now. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?’ and I didn’t reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that.
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Having had a lot of time to think about everything and following the therapy session/internet searches on attachment style I now think that it was definitely a Anxious-Avoidant relationship which is why it did become so toxic but obviously I am still searching for a few more answers (I know I probably won't ever know) that might help with my healing.
Some background on her is that before her ex-husband she had never really been in a long term relationship before (she stayed married for 10 years, mostly unhappily), her father left her and her mother when she was 12 for another woman and had another family, she never had any friends during her childhood (was also bullied) and only really started to make friends from the age of 18 onwards when she went to university, she was very promiscuous during her youth (she told me she basically slept with the entire football team at uni, former bosses, etc) and she only married her husband and did the whole kids/family thing because she felt that was what was expected when she got into her 30s due to society being that way and all her friends were doing the same thing. I found out the name of one of the guys she was texting quite substantially - he is the exact opposite of me; massive burly alpha male type, lots of tattoos, 3 kids by 3 different women and extremely racist/bigoted in what he posts on social media. I kind of think she entertained him because she knows nothing could ever get serious with a guy like that.
I guess the insight I am looking for is along the lines of the following:
She told me that her marriage became loveless and sexless, she essentially stayed in it longer than she would have liked for the kids but she couldn't do this any longer. I wonder now if the marriage was a case of two avoidants coming together? They are both very independent and successful but one thing that struck me was how the ex-husband didn't fight for the relationship either and seemed quite happy to allow her to go off and live her own life despite living under the same roof.
Obviously she was in some kind of rebound mode from the divorce and had a lot of emotional baggage. Can those with avoidant attachment style still go through that and need that rebound? She definitely lovebombed me in those first 4 months - I've never experienced anything like that, so much intimacy it was untrue and she longed for me to just hold her at times. Can those with an attachment style still go through that honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship and not feel like detaching? The fact I have an insecure attachment style probably drew me to her because I was able to give her the intimacy and emotional support she might have needed at a time like that. Is there a possibility that she could have even swayed over to an anxious attachment type herself in those first few months as she was quite clingy herself. It was only after 4-5 months that her personality seemed to change to a more avoidant/flighty type and I wonder if she reverted to normal.
This question is like flipping a coin and no one can really answer but is there any chance she might reach out? My perception of why she ended the relationship was a combination of many factors - I think she was scared off by how serious I was getting - we were planning a holiday at the time but she became distant or didn't respond whenever I bought it up. She was still going through something from the divorce or perhaps even some form of mid-life crisis, she was very insecure about getting older - one of the things she mentioned to me the night before ending was that she felt she didn't have much time to find the kind who she was looking for in terms of losing her looks. She was also enjoying the attention she was getting from other guys on nights out and whatsapp; I actually think another reason she ended it was because she may have met someone she wanted to explore it further with and he was one of the guys she was messaging. However one thing that makes me think she might reach out is that I felt she did love me; some of the things she said to me even in the week before she ended it included how I mean the world to her, how she had never connected, got on and laughed with someone as much as me, how she'd never been in a relationship with someone before who she considered her best friend, how she had never felt cared for in the way I cared for her and how I was the most amazing cuddler she had ever experienced. She often told me she felt she couldn't get into anything serious whilst still living with her ex-husband (the house recently sold).
Anyway these are the main things I think I am seeking answers to, I honestly can't believe how much progress I have made in the last couple of days from just discovering attachment theory and being able to take some closure from it, it was honestly like a eureka moment in therapy and I have been feeling almost euphoric ever since as I have been analysing everything I did feeling it was my fault. My last question probably shows that I still have some way to go though as that hope she might come back is still there but it is fading and I finally feel I am approaching the acceptance stage it really is over - I now kind of just feel sad that I lost someone who I did consider my best friend but I will be able to deal with that in time.
Again, I apologise for such a long post but want to thank anyone for taking the time to read it and offer any insight.
Rich.
I did wonder what forum to post this in but here seems the most appropriate, I have a bit of a story so please bear with me and apologies if it becomes a very long post. To begin, it is about a recent relationship breakup that I have gone through and I guess I am healing very slowly, discovering attachment style theories has really helped with that recently and has definitely given me the biggest source of closure so far. I guess why I am here is because I am very analytical, I tend to overanalyse and have been analysing the end of this relationship pretty much everyday since it ended. I guess I am still looking for support and answers on it all so I can move on.
As a result of the breakup back in July I realised it was taking far longer than it should to get over it ending so I recently decided to seek therapy. This has been very helpful and in my latest session the therapist bought up attachment styles - it was fairly clear that I have an anxious attachment style and I am pretty sure that my ex is an avoidant. Further internet searches have really made everything make so much sense with both our behaviours and the way it ended - it also bought me to this forum.
---------
So the story is that back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I’m 38 by the way. I was seeing her quite intensely… I don’t really know how to describe the relationship as we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She’s 45, three kids and just divorced although she was still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, had separate rooms and the house was up for sale although took forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
From January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. She was incredibly needy at this stage, would message me a lot, want to meet up and always do coupley things together - thinking back she basically lovebombed me too showering me with a lot of love, attention and affection so I felt like her one. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone else. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn’t do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn’t care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.
She didn't reply to my message and the next day I asked her to please reply so I would know what her thoughts were, she didn't address anything in the message I sent and just messaged almost as normal. We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.
I had also noticed that she wasn’t messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I’d message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn’t be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn’t saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I’m assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines. I called her up on it and she said it wasn't anything and then showed me her text messages saying no guys ever message her - I knew full well that it was all done on Whatsapp.
This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long winded message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn’t seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she’s always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn’t really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn’t really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn’t see me. Every time I tried to talk to her about what was going on with us and with her messaging others she would take the flight approach and suggest we take a break.
We met up for a drink the night before she ended things and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don’t think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I’m sorry don’t worry I won’t block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won’t know what I’m looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don’t feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it’s not enough sorry”.
And that’s it really, I didn’t reply to that and haven’t contacted her since – 4 months no contact now. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?’ and I didn’t reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that.
---------
Having had a lot of time to think about everything and following the therapy session/internet searches on attachment style I now think that it was definitely a Anxious-Avoidant relationship which is why it did become so toxic but obviously I am still searching for a few more answers (I know I probably won't ever know) that might help with my healing.
Some background on her is that before her ex-husband she had never really been in a long term relationship before (she stayed married for 10 years, mostly unhappily), her father left her and her mother when she was 12 for another woman and had another family, she never had any friends during her childhood (was also bullied) and only really started to make friends from the age of 18 onwards when she went to university, she was very promiscuous during her youth (she told me she basically slept with the entire football team at uni, former bosses, etc) and she only married her husband and did the whole kids/family thing because she felt that was what was expected when she got into her 30s due to society being that way and all her friends were doing the same thing. I found out the name of one of the guys she was texting quite substantially - he is the exact opposite of me; massive burly alpha male type, lots of tattoos, 3 kids by 3 different women and extremely racist/bigoted in what he posts on social media. I kind of think she entertained him because she knows nothing could ever get serious with a guy like that.
I guess the insight I am looking for is along the lines of the following:
She told me that her marriage became loveless and sexless, she essentially stayed in it longer than she would have liked for the kids but she couldn't do this any longer. I wonder now if the marriage was a case of two avoidants coming together? They are both very independent and successful but one thing that struck me was how the ex-husband didn't fight for the relationship either and seemed quite happy to allow her to go off and live her own life despite living under the same roof.
Obviously she was in some kind of rebound mode from the divorce and had a lot of emotional baggage. Can those with avoidant attachment style still go through that and need that rebound? She definitely lovebombed me in those first 4 months - I've never experienced anything like that, so much intimacy it was untrue and she longed for me to just hold her at times. Can those with an attachment style still go through that honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship and not feel like detaching? The fact I have an insecure attachment style probably drew me to her because I was able to give her the intimacy and emotional support she might have needed at a time like that. Is there a possibility that she could have even swayed over to an anxious attachment type herself in those first few months as she was quite clingy herself. It was only after 4-5 months that her personality seemed to change to a more avoidant/flighty type and I wonder if she reverted to normal.
This question is like flipping a coin and no one can really answer but is there any chance she might reach out? My perception of why she ended the relationship was a combination of many factors - I think she was scared off by how serious I was getting - we were planning a holiday at the time but she became distant or didn't respond whenever I bought it up. She was still going through something from the divorce or perhaps even some form of mid-life crisis, she was very insecure about getting older - one of the things she mentioned to me the night before ending was that she felt she didn't have much time to find the kind who she was looking for in terms of losing her looks. She was also enjoying the attention she was getting from other guys on nights out and whatsapp; I actually think another reason she ended it was because she may have met someone she wanted to explore it further with and he was one of the guys she was messaging. However one thing that makes me think she might reach out is that I felt she did love me; some of the things she said to me even in the week before she ended it included how I mean the world to her, how she had never connected, got on and laughed with someone as much as me, how she'd never been in a relationship with someone before who she considered her best friend, how she had never felt cared for in the way I cared for her and how I was the most amazing cuddler she had ever experienced. She often told me she felt she couldn't get into anything serious whilst still living with her ex-husband (the house recently sold).
Anyway these are the main things I think I am seeking answers to, I honestly can't believe how much progress I have made in the last couple of days from just discovering attachment theory and being able to take some closure from it, it was honestly like a eureka moment in therapy and I have been feeling almost euphoric ever since as I have been analysing everything I did feeling it was my fault. My last question probably shows that I still have some way to go though as that hope she might come back is still there but it is fading and I finally feel I am approaching the acceptance stage it really is over - I now kind of just feel sad that I lost someone who I did consider my best friend but I will be able to deal with that in time.
Again, I apologise for such a long post but want to thank anyone for taking the time to read it and offer any insight.
Rich.
