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In love?
Nov 15, 2018 8:35:54 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 15, 2018 8:35:54 GMT
How does it feel for you to be in love with someone? Expectations? Fairs? Write even gender, age and attachment style if it is ok  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2018 12:59:43 GMT
How does it feel for you to be in love with someone? Expectations? Fairs? Write even gender, age and attachment style if it is ok i feel calm and relaxed and comfortable in my own skin in the relationship i am in, it feels very peaceful and natural to be in love like this. not in the past, but now, this is how i experience it. my expectations are courtesy, trust, openness, gentleness, respect, consistency. just treating someone as one would like to be treated in a manner that shows love and safety. i don't feel fear about this, other than i don't want to lose him, because this is really nice. occasionally i get a fear that the intensity of my life will be too much for him. i'm not at all over committed, but i do have four children. they are not totally dependent at ages 13-22, but i am very engaged in mentoring them, taking care of their needs, being as present as i can. we do that together, he and i, and he is truly supportive. but sometimes there is a crisis on top of a normal busy day and anyone with kids knows it takes a lot sometimes to keep everything under control lol! as far as fears, insecure fears, i'm not experiencing much. he tends toward anxious and i toward avoidant so sometimes i brace for a protest behavior over our differences but it doesn't come, we've been cooperating well, and agree on how our days together are shaping up. i think i could use the word secure to describe the feeling actually!! yay! Female DA/earned secure Age 48 |
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In love?
Nov 15, 2018 15:41:17 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Nov 15, 2018 15:41:17 GMT
How does it feel for you to be in love with someone? Expectations? Fairs? Write even gender, age and attachment style if it is ok i feel calm and relaxed and comfortable in my own skin in the relationship i am in, it feels very peaceful and natural to be in love like this. not in the past, but now, this is how i experience it. my expectations are courtesy, trust, openness, gentleness, respect, consistency. just treating someone as one would like to be treated in a manner that shows love and safety. i don't feel fear about this, other than i don't want to lose him, because this is really nice. occasionally i get a fear that the intensity of my life will be too much for him. i'm not at all over committed, but i do have four children. they are not totally dependent at ages 13-22, but i am very engaged in mentoring them, taking care of their needs, being as present as i can. we do that together, he and i, and he is truly supportive. but sometimes there is a crisis on top of a normal busy day and anyone with kids knows it takes a lot sometimes to keep everything under control lol! as far as fears, insecure fears, i'm not experiencing much. he tends toward anxious and i toward avoidant so sometimes i brace for a protest behavior over our differences but it doesn't come, we've been cooperating well, and agree on how our days together are shaping up. i think i could use the word secure to describe the feeling actually!! yay! Female DA/earned secure Age 48 How great that you feel secure in your relationship! And it’s normal and good to appreciate a relationship and don’t want to lose it. It’s motivating actually! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2018 16:03:10 GMT
i feel calm and relaxed and comfortable in my own skin in the relationship i am in, it feels very peaceful and natural to be in love like this. not in the past, but now, this is how i experience it. my expectations are courtesy, trust, openness, gentleness, respect, consistency. just treating someone as one would like to be treated in a manner that shows love and safety. i don't feel fear about this, other than i don't want to lose him, because this is really nice. occasionally i get a fear that the intensity of my life will be too much for him. i'm not at all over committed, but i do have four children. they are not totally dependent at ages 13-22, but i am very engaged in mentoring them, taking care of their needs, being as present as i can. we do that together, he and i, and he is truly supportive. but sometimes there is a crisis on top of a normal busy day and anyone with kids knows it takes a lot sometimes to keep everything under control lol! as far as fears, insecure fears, i'm not experiencing much. he tends toward anxious and i toward avoidant so sometimes i brace for a protest behavior over our differences but it doesn't come, we've been cooperating well, and agree on how our days together are shaping up. i think i could use the word secure to describe the feeling actually!! yay! Female DA/earned secure Age 48 How great that you feel secure in your relationship! And it’s normal and good to appreciate a relationship and don’t want to lose it. It’s motivating actually! yes it is motivating. i'm motivated to be mindful of ways that i might weaken the relationship with ingrained avoidant reactions, and to move toward him in chosen responses instead. we are learning how to navigate conflict together, and it's been fruitful. not major things, just normal tensions or differences. what we have established is that any conflict will be handled face to face so we can be clear on tone and avoid misunderstandings that can arise with texting. If we have to be on phone for this, we face time so we can have eye contact. it's so helpful. it's easy to communicate even with differences if we can pause and remember all of our affection. and i'm motivated to just keep growing, and to foster his growth by being kind and supportive as well. i'm invested, for sure; and want to protect the investment we both are making in this. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2018 16:19:40 GMT
I love my kids and my friends. Romantic love? I don't know that I have been in love yet. It's still up for debate.
Female, DA
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 15, 2018 18:17:43 GMT
Well known AP female....hmmmm.....love......I think in my highest place, love is this place of generosity. It is protective without controlling, caring without smothering, it has a balance between seeing the person for who he is and also seeing the potential within him. i have felt love and it is truly freeing, very calming and extremely generous...but...as an AP...I struggle against Hollywood's version of love..which is not love at all but obssessing, entitlement and possession.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 15, 2018 18:33:52 GMT
As AP, it used to be all sparks and triggers. If I was with someone for a long period of time and never felt the overwhelming feelings calm down, it must be love. That happened once, with a long, unstable, codependent relationship. Hallmark was able to talk about everything except actual needs, real future plans, anything going into depth about us. No true reliability. Sex went from desperate passion (sprinkle in a period of long distance in the middle, drives the codependent sides crazy!) to later being about him withholding and blaming to stay on top of a power struggle. When he dumped me, he asked me to make it better for him because he was scared. A couple years later he apologized for being that kind of @-hole our entire relationship, said he never loved me at all, and never spoke to me again. He got married a couple years later, probably still is?
He had a lot of problems. Some rough mental health stuff. I was very young and AP and stupid about what a lot of problems can actually mean. He asked me to save him, then got mad and resentful when I couldn't (because they were his problems). I did love him, but nothing about this was healthy or sustainable.
Now, after many years of going through intense romantic situations like that (but not as long or bad) I'm kind of turned off by sparks. There needs to be baseline attraction and chemistry, but that's it. I was in love with my FA ex, as I shifted from AP to earned secure, so I observed the changes in myself with the same person. The hallmark for me was a wonderful calm without anxiety. I felt calm and peaceful, until he started deactivating and leaning into his avoidant response as our deep intimacy felt uncomfortable and out of his life experience comfort level. We also had communication problems (on both sides until I healed), so it wasn't perfect, but I learned to fall in love between the triggers instead of with them. If he was on a similar healing journey, I think we could have made it with compatibility, consistency, calm comfort, warmth, familiarity. But he's still chasing indefinite physical sparks as the one indicator it's "the one."
I feel like love at this point would mean stability to have minor disagreements and not have a partner think that's the end. You don't have to wonder if the other person will be out there door, even if life gets challenging. Patience. To accept and want to give to each other while taking space to be your own person too, and wanting what's best for that person by being supportive of what they want -- even if you don't entirely agree with it (as long as it doesn't directly clash with your needs). Healthy boundaries but liking and appreciating each other and the ways in which you make each other's lives better and bring out the best. A safe place from which to keep growing and possibly taking risks as an individual, so that life stays interesting because you're making it interesting without relying on a relationship to make it interesting for you -- that's more there to enhance and serve as a support net when needed but it's not a substitute to MAKE life interesting and sparkly. Choosing to be with that person every day, even on off days, knowing that the relationship will be work and oscillate, but worth sharing.
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 15, 2018 19:42:52 GMT
As AP, it used to be all sparks and triggers. If I was with someone for a long period of time and never felt the overwhelming feelings calm down, it must be love. That happened once, with a long, unstable, codependent relationship. Hallmark was able to talk about everything except actual needs, real future plans, anything going into depth about us. No true reliability. Sex went from desperate passion (sprinkle in a period of long distance in the middle, drives the codependent sides crazy!) to later being about him withholding and blaming to stay on top of a power struggle. When he dumped me, he asked me to make it better for him because he was scared. A couple years later he apologized for being that kind of @-hole our entire relationship, said he never loved me at all, and never spoke to me again. He got married a couple years later, probably still is? He had a lot of problems. Some rough mental health stuff. I was very young and AP and stupid about what a lot of problems can actually mean. He asked me to save him, then got mad and resentful when I couldn't (because they were his problems). I did love him, but nothing about this was healthy or sustainable. Now, after many years of going through intense romantic situations like that (but not as long or bad) I'm kind of turned off by sparks. There needs to be baseline attraction and chemistry, but that's it. I was in love with my FA ex, as I shifted from AP to earned secure, so I observed the changes in myself with the same person. The hallmark for me was a wonderful calm without anxiety. I felt calm and peaceful, until he started deactivating and leaning into his avoidant response as our deep intimacy felt uncomfortable and out of his life experience comfort level. We also had communication problems (on both sides until I healed), so it wasn't perfect, but I learned to fall in love between the triggers instead of with them. If he was on a similar healing journey, I think we could have made it with compatibility, consistency, calm comfort, warmth, familiarity. But he's still chasing indefinite physical sparks as the one indicator it's "the one." I feel like love at this point would mean stability to have minor disagreements and not have a partner think that's the end. You don't have to wonder if the other person will be out there door, even if life gets challenging. Patience. To accept and want to give to each other while taking space to be your own person too, and wanting what's best for that person by being supportive of what they want -- even if you don't entirely agree with it (as long as it doesn't directly clash with your needs). Healthy boundaries but liking and appreciating each other and the ways in which you make each other's lives better and bring out the best. A safe place from which to keep growing and possibly taking risks as an individual, so that life stays interesting because you're making it interesting without relying on a relationship to make it interesting for you -- that's more there to enhance and serve as a support net when needed but it's not a substitute to MAKE life interesting and sparkly. Choosing to be with that person every day, even on off days, knowing that the relationship will be work and oscillate, but worth sharing. What you wrote at the end is pretty much how I think too |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2018 19:43:32 GMT
alexandra that's a beautiful description of what love looks like for me too. even as an avoidant, i've wanted to spend time every day to grow and nurture and enjoy the relationship. we work together to meet my needs for solitude and stillness also. everything you wrote in that last paragraph is on point.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 15, 2018 20:26:35 GMT
Thanks... now I just have to find a secure guy IRL who shares my views!
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In love?
Nov 15, 2018 20:30:38 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2018 20:30:38 GMT
Thanks... now I just have to find a secure guy IRL who shares my views! when you least expect it.... expect it!! i hope he shows up soon!! 😍 |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 16, 2018 0:49:26 GMT
How does it feel for you to be in love with someone? Expectations? Fairs? Write even gender, age and attachment style if it is ok
Female, 39, not sure of attachment style but probably leaning AP
I think this is a tough question. For most of my life, I associated "in love" with desire, longing, intensity. You want to write the person poetry, camp out under the stars, share your deep thoughts and all that...it's like a holy grail that never gets really found. I didn't actually date the people I was "in love" with, and none of the friendships have lasted either.
I'm now convinced that the feeling as we're socialized to define it is very problematic. I also think the word "expectation" is problematic for me-- it's not like I actually expect anyone to do anything-- but a lot of the problems with being "in love" is the ongoing concern with all the ways the person who is the recipient of that desire does or does not reciprocate it, and maybe the disappointment at their not doing certain actions that would be a form of reciprocation could be seen by some as a failed expectation.
Anyway, at this point in life, I'm convinced that "in love" is a trap. Commitment can be a positive force. Building a life together can be a force. Weathering the ups and downs together. You can Love your life together with a person without that "in love."
Do I think I missed out on something by never being in a relationship where that "in love" was reciprocated? Sometimes. But that's no longer the prevailing pain of my life.
Sometimes I actually feel like I'm living the dream. I have a job I like, a cute house, a family (kids), a household with laughter where we strive for a loving dynamic, and it doesn't feel fragile anymore, I don't spend all day questioning whether I should be here (in the relationship) anymore. I'd just as rather never fall "in love" again if unfulfilled desire, longing, and unrequited effort is the way it manifests in my life.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 16, 2018 0:52:50 GMT
. . . I feel like love at this point would mean stability to have minor disagreements and not have a partner think that's the end. You don't have to wonder if the other person will be out there door, even if life gets challenging. Patience. To accept and want to give to each other while taking space to be your own person too, and wanting what's best for that person by being supportive of what they want -- even if you don't entirely agree with it (as long as it doesn't directly clash with your needs). Healthy boundaries but liking and appreciating each other and the ways in which you make each other's lives better and bring out the best. A safe place from which to keep growing and possibly taking risks as an individual, so that life stays interesting because you're making it interesting without relying on a relationship to make it interesting for you -- that's more there to enhance and serve as a support net when needed but it's not a substitute to MAKE life interesting and sparkly. Choosing to be with that person every day, even on off days, knowing that the relationship will be work and oscillate, but worth sharing. What you wrote at the end is pretty much how I think too
I agree-- great description!
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 1:50:06 GMT
Patience. Acceptance. Room for growth and understanding. Desire and attraction. Respect. Fitting in one’s arms just right. Comfortable. Easy. Faithful and honest.
I think love is a choice more than a feeling. It’s a feeling too but feelings ebb and flow so there must be a daily choice to love and allow someone to love and see you vulnerabilities and all...and trust they will love you all the same. Love is someone who has your back and doesn’t hold your past against you or keep score. When you love someone and they love you, you both flourish and celebrate each other. Then when it hits the fan- love works together to figure things out. Love stays. In some way, shape or form a person you love or have loved stays with you.
I’m currently not feeling the love with a partner but feeling more skeptical. That’s ok, feeling more love within- and someday I’ll get back out there.
AP, work in progress...43
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