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Post by tnr9 on Nov 22, 2018 12:01:03 GMT
I knew that the holidays would be tough...the more I am exposed to my family...the more I miss B...and the more I have to deal with feelings of not being ok. Today the thought is...I should be able to befriends with this an...after all...it has been almost 2 years sincere broke up with me, I should be able to let him go, I should be able to vein community with him and not care who he is talking to....over and over again.
I admit I feel so lonely and isolated right now...I have been distracting myself with Netflix and the Internet....but only because I don't wanttoface things that are bubbling to the surface.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 22, 2018 15:07:25 GMT
I knew that the holidays would be tough...the more I am exposed to my family...the more I miss B...and the more I have to deal with feelings of not being ok. Today the thought is...I should be able to befriends with this an...after all...it has been almost 2 years sincere broke up with me, I should be able to let him go, I should be able to vein community with him and not care who he is talking to....over and over again. I admit I feel so lonely and isolated right now...I have been distracting myself with Netflix and the Internet....but only because I don't wanttoface things that are bubbling to the surface. I know how you feel- you’re not alone. I was dreading the holidays knowing how painful they were last year- I was afraid they’d activate my grief and loss again. I’m not as depressed as last year but I’m cautiously sifting through- my youngest son wanted to decorate for Christmas already so instead of avoiding festivities like last year, I decided to try and embrace. It’s hard though bc it feels forced at times. Will you be around family today? I was going no contact to focus on me and have less distractions, then last night my ex DA reached out. It took him a week and a half to finally address a text. He said that he didn’t want to leave me hanging, he’s in a weird place and I deserve so much better. I didn’t know what to say but it’s obvious he’s not willing to get help w things and his reaching out- which he usually doesn’t do, stirred up my emotions. It’s almost lose/lose bc his silence also feels bad. I think I have such a hard time accepting that someone isn’t even willing to try. To stay away for any length of time, takes effort and someone must be very determined they don’t want to go back. I’m going to try and push thoughts away and focus on the positive. I felt being in shut down mode the past 2 weeks was serving me well. Trying to disconnect and let go. I think that brings the most healing to me. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 22, 2018 15:24:39 GMT
I knew that the holidays would be tough...the more I am exposed to my family...the more I miss B...and the more I have to deal with feelings of not being ok. Today the thought is...I should be able to befriends with this an...after all...it has been almost 2 years sincere broke up with me, I should be able to let him go, I should be able to vein community with him and not care who he is talking to....over and over again. I admit I feel so lonely and isolated right now...I have been distracting myself with Netflix and the Internet....but only because I don't wanttoface things that are bubbling to the surface. I know how you feel- you’re not alone. I was dreading the holidays knowing how painful they were last year- I was afraid they’d activate my grief and loss again. I’m not as depressed as last year but I’m cautiously sifting through- my youngest son wanted to decorate for Christmas already so instead of avoiding festivities like last year, I decided to try and embrace. It’s hard though bc it feels forced at times. Will you be around family today? I was going no contact to focus on me and have less distractions, then last night my ex DA reached out. It took him a week and a half to finally address a text. He said that he didn’t want to leave me hanging, he’s in a weird place and I deserve so much better. I didn’t know what to say but it’s obvious he’s not willing to get help w things and his reaching out- which he usually doesn’t do, stirred up my emotions. It’s almost lose/lose bc his silence also feels bad. I think I have such a hard time accepting that someone isn’t even willing to try. To stay away for any length of time, takes effort and someone must be very determined they don’t want to go back. I’m going to try and push thoughts away and focus on the positive. I felt being in shut down mode the past 2 weeks was serving me well. Trying to disconnect and let go. I think that brings the most healing to me. Yes....today I will spend Thankgiving with my mom and step dad...it is a tradition.....Thankgiving at mom's, Christmas at my younger brother's....the whole timeframe sucks...people joke about each other....people talk around each other...hurt feelings are felt but not expressed (for me, this is the worst because I have deep empathy and can feel the feelings that are not expressed)....i will likely be reminded of something I did when I was a kid or teenager....so yeh....B looks do desirable in that context...he feels safe,nonjudgemental.....no wonder I get these jealousy, possessive feelings because at times he feels like what I missed out on a desperately crave. i am sorry it took your ex a week to get back to you and he is still unwilling to work on himself. 😕 Sounds like we both have a chance to pull in a see what we can internally address. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 22, 2018 15:41:43 GMT
I know how you feel- you’re not alone. I was dreading the holidays knowing how painful they were last year- I was afraid they’d activate my grief and loss again. I’m not as depressed as last year but I’m cautiously sifting through- my youngest son wanted to decorate for Christmas already so instead of avoiding festivities like last year, I decided to try and embrace. It’s hard though bc it feels forced at times. Will you be around family today? I was going no contact to focus on me and have less distractions, then last night my ex DA reached out. It took him a week and a half to finally address a text. He said that he didn’t want to leave me hanging, he’s in a weird place and I deserve so much better. I didn’t know what to say but it’s obvious he’s not willing to get help w things and his reaching out- which he usually doesn’t do, stirred up my emotions. It’s almost lose/lose bc his silence also feels bad. I think I have such a hard time accepting that someone isn’t even willing to try. To stay away for any length of time, takes effort and someone must be very determined they don’t want to go back. I’m going to try and push thoughts away and focus on the positive. I felt being in shut down mode the past 2 weeks was serving me well. Trying to disconnect and let go. I think that brings the most healing to me. Yes....today I will spend Thankgiving with my mom and step dad...it is a tradition.....Thankgiving at mom's, Christmas at my younger brother's....the whole timeframe sucks...people joke about each other....people talk around each other...hurt feelings are felt but not expressed (for me, this is the worst because I have deep empathy and can feel the feelings that are not expressed)....i will likely be reminded of something I did when I was a kid or teenager....so yeh....B looks do desirable in that context...he feels safe,nonjudgemental.....no wonder I get these jealousy, possessive feelings because at times he feels like what I missed out on a desperately crave. i am sorry it took your ex a week to get back to you and he is still unwilling to work on himself. 😕 Sounds like we both have a chance to pull in a see what we can internally address. This family dynamic is the exact same I am trying to remove myself from. One I once participated in as it’s the only one I know and now that I am trying to pull myself out of it and do something differebt I am being chastised and told I “think I’m better than everyone” and that they are sorry I “don’t want to be like them.” It’s hard to hold my ground on my values and still be around my family when I have been told so clearly that they have disdain for me. So- today I am keeping to my own little family and in many ways my parents and siblings just see that as more evidence of their assumptions. But I have to do what is right for me even at the expense of my reputation with them. I feel good about it over all but also sad that this is in fact my situation. I guess Im the easy target- both when I’m present and when I’m away. Does that make me the scapegoat of the family? I never thought that was me but I guess maybe it’s the case. The holidays are such a strange time. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 22, 2018 16:00:00 GMT
I know how you feel- you’re not alone. I was dreading the holidays knowing how painful they were last year- I was afraid they’d activate my grief and loss again. I’m not as depressed as last year but I’m cautiously sifting through- my youngest son wanted to decorate for Christmas already so instead of avoiding festivities like last year, I decided to try and embrace. It’s hard though bc it feels forced at times. Will you be around family today? I was going no contact to focus on me and have less distractions, then last night my ex DA reached out. It took him a week and a half to finally address a text. He said that he didn’t want to leave me hanging, he’s in a weird place and I deserve so much better. I didn’t know what to say but it’s obvious he’s not willing to get help w things and his reaching out- which he usually doesn’t do, stirred up my emotions. It’s almost lose/lose bc his silence also feels bad. I think I have such a hard time accepting that someone isn’t even willing to try. To stay away for any length of time, takes effort and someone must be very determined they don’t want to go back. I’m going to try and push thoughts away and focus on the positive. I felt being in shut down mode the past 2 weeks was serving me well. Trying to disconnect and let go. I think that brings the most healing to me. Yes....today I will spend Thankgiving with my mom and step dad...it is a tradition.....Thankgiving at mom's, Christmas at my younger brother's....the whole timeframe sucks...people joke about each other....people talk around each other...hurt feelings are felt but not expressed (for me, this is the worst because I have deep empathy and can feel the feelings that are not expressed)....i will likely be reminded of something I did when I was a kid or teenager....so yeh....B looks do desirable in that context...he feels safe,nonjudgemental.....no wonder I get these jealousy, possessive feelings because at times he feels like what I missed out on a desperately crave. i am sorry it took your ex a week to get back to you and he is still unwilling to work on himself. 😕 Sounds like we both have a chance to pull in a see what we can internally address. Ugh...sounds like the holidays are a good time for a vacation. If I had the money, I’d get away w my kids. I’m glad my mom will have a large crowd today so I won’t have to sit in the family dynamic with just my parents. Buffers are good. Yeah, I guess we have to deal with things internally. I know what you mean about B. I thought in my ex I finally found everything I had always longed for and craved...too bad he can’t handle relationships. It seems like something threw him lately but he doesn’t tell me what...holidays or ex-wife, could be anything. We can’t rely on them even though we’d like to- since the break mine has drawn a clear boundary of only wanting physical and I’m not willing to be just that so we’re at an impasse. The on-going rejection keeps opening up my wounds. If what you and I have been doing wasn’t working then I guess it’s time to try something different. I will try to break this connection and let go for my sake. I’ll keep my mind on the word “release.” I hope you have some peace today. 🌻 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 22, 2018 16:07:39 GMT
Yes....today I will spend Thankgiving with my mom and step dad...it is a tradition.....Thankgiving at mom's, Christmas at my younger brother's....the whole timeframe sucks...people joke about each other....people talk around each other...hurt feelings are felt but not expressed (for me, this is the worst because I have deep empathy and can feel the feelings that are not expressed)....i will likely be reminded of something I did when I was a kid or teenager....so yeh....B looks do desirable in that context...he feels safe,nonjudgemental.....no wonder I get these jealousy, possessive feelings because at times he feels like what I missed out on a desperately crave. i am sorry it took your ex a week to get back to you and he is still unwilling to work on himself. 😕 Sounds like we both have a chance to pull in a see what we can internally address. This family dynamic is the exact same I am trying to remove myself from. One I once participated in as it’s the only one I know and now that I am trying to pull myself out of it and do something differebt I am being chastised and told I “think I’m better than everyone” and that they are sorry I “don’t want to be like them.” It’s hard to hold my ground on my values and still be around my family when I have been told so clearly that they have disdain for me. So- today I am keeping to my own little family and in many ways my parents and siblings just see that as more evidence of their assumptions. But I have to do what is right for me even at the expense of my reputation with them. I feel good about it over all but also sad that this is in fact my situation. I guess Im the easy target- both when I’m present and when I’m away. Does that make me the scapegoat of the family? I never thought that was me but I guess maybe it’s the case. The holidays are such a strange time. You probably are the scapegoat, black sheep.....I am in my family dynamic....and I get reminded about that all the time. B was such a breath of fresh air...he did not care if my place was messy, he did not care about the cloths I wore and whether a dress made my belly show, he did not care that I was not so much into cooking and cleaning.....the only issue was...it was hard to feel that he cared at all.....I honestly have just come to that realization. He was so laid back that it felt like he truly was not even present. The whole relationship felt incredibly fragile...like he could just up and leave and he kept reminding me that he had doubts but would not speak directly to them. Ugh....it is hard to find that right balance. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 22, 2018 16:22:12 GMT
Yes....today I will spend Thankgiving with my mom and step dad...it is a tradition.....Thankgiving at mom's, Christmas at my younger brother's....the whole timeframe sucks...people joke about each other....people talk around each other...hurt feelings are felt but not expressed (for me, this is the worst because I have deep empathy and can feel the feelings that are not expressed)....i will likely be reminded of something I did when I was a kid or teenager....so yeh....B looks do desirable in that context...he feels safe,nonjudgemental.....no wonder I get these jealousy, possessive feelings because at times he feels like what I missed out on a desperately crave. i am sorry it took your ex a week to get back to you and he is still unwilling to work on himself. 😕 Sounds like we both have a chance to pull in a see what we can internally address. Ugh...sounds like the holidays are a good time for a vacation. If I had the money, I’d get away w my kids. I’m glad my mom will have a large crowd today so I won’t have to sit in the family dynamic with just my parents. Buffers are good. Yeah, I guess we have to deal with things internally. I know what you mean about B. I thought in my ex I finally found everything I had always longed for and craved...too bad he can’t handle relationships. It seems like something threw him lately but he doesn’t tell me what...holidays or ex-wife, could be anything. We can’t rely on them even though we’d like to- since the break mine has drawn a clear boundary of only wanting physical and I’m not willing to be just that so we’re at an impasse. The on-going rejection keeps opening up my wounds. If what you and I have been doing wasn’t working then I guess it’s time to try something different. I will try to break this connection and let go for my sake. I’ll keep my mind on the word “release.” I hope you have some peace today. 🌻 My middle brother usually comes for Thanksgiving but usually goes away for Christmas.....I feel too responsible to not go....I tend to hang around my sister in law and spend time with my nieces. Actually, getting the feelings out has been helpful.....I was really gyrating earlier...I am not so much at the moment. I send B a happy thanksgiving text...he has not responded yet....I know he will...he doesn't ignore me....but I am certainly not the priority I have so desperately pinned my hopes on. I guess the more he shows up as not interested...the better it is to my healing.....but it sucks. I wanted to be "important" to him....so much so that he would in the end chose me....the death of that dream is hard to swallow. I have to sit with all this built up hope and crashing disappointment and figure out a strategy to move forward in self love. Tall order for me....because I would rather stay in the daydream of possibility. BTW...he just responded and asked if I was going to a friend's for dinner...I did not know she was having a get together..must have been posted on the community website that I removed myself from. In any event...I asked what he is up to today and waiting for a response. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 22, 2018 17:31:10 GMT
The holiday always hit us... Hugs everyone.  |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2018 19:34:44 GMT
Hey everyone, remember to be thankful for your awareness into your own attachment style and issues and the work you've done on yourself this year. It's no easy task. Try not to let your families trigger you this holiday and undo any of your progress (since in a lot of cases they've contributed to the issues) or to cause you self-doubt, because you've still got the opportunity to heal yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving to those celebrating!
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 22, 2018 23:16:23 GMT
Just got home...added drama from my step father's side of the family...but overall ok. On the drove down I was pissed at B...I was convinced he was ignoring me because he was with R and did not want to talk to me....in the end, he did text back that he was going to his brother's for Thanksgiving. I am glad I didnot respond on those initial feelings...but WOW.....it was intense...I was utterly convinced with image after image going on I my mind. It was selfish...it was all about me...there was no gratitude or understanding. Now I am back to being ok...and I am so grateful that I can be this honest with everyone here.
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mel
New Member
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Post by mel on Nov 25, 2018 20:33:15 GMT
tnr9,
I hope you made it through ok. Holidays are tough. Hard to get someone out of your mind. Hope you have some coping strategies (diary? friends?) to get you through.
Hugs.
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