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Post by rrrrrr on Nov 25, 2018 4:51:17 GMT
My mother's behaviour was inconsistent. At times she seemed responsive, but most times neglected/bullied me. My mother's attitude towards me was very confusing and scary. She was often mad at me. I didn't know how to prevent her madness.
I, as an adult, suffer from very high emotional needs. My sense of self is quite shaky. Deep inside, I feel I'm unlovable. My sense of self is very dependent on what other people think of me. Being ghosted on SNSs and rejection letters after job interviews inflict emotional flashbacks, and severely hurt me.
I also compare the points I got to the points of other posters/commenters got on Reddit, and feel disappointed with my lower points. I try to find someone who got as low points as I got and reassure myself, telling myself my posts/comments are not that bad/weird.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 25, 2018 9:54:42 GMT
My mother's behaviour was inconsistent. At times she seemed responsive, but most times neglected/bullied me. My mother's attitude towards me was very confusing and scary. She was often mad at me. I didn't know how to prevent her madness. I, as an adult, suffer from very high emotional needs. My sense of self is quite shaky. Deep inside, I feel I'm unlovable. My sense of self is very dependent on what other people think of me. Being ghosted on SNSs and rejection letters after job interviews inflict emotional flashbacks, and severely hurt me. I also compare the points I got to the points of other posters/commenters got on Reddit, and feel disappointed with my lower points. I try to find someone who got as low points as I got and reassure myself, telling myself my posts/comments are not that bad/weird. Hello and welcome! Being self-aware is key to your growth and healing and it sounds like you’re very much aware of your weaknesses so that’s a good thing. Comparing oneself to others is a quick way to feel inadequate and not enough for any person, even those with healthy self-esteem. That could happen to the most “successful” person in the world, so knowing that unproductive for you, I’d avoid Reddit and similar sites, if possible. Also, recognize that things such as rejection letters may hurt temporarily but are also an opportunity for reflection and useful feedback. Think of it as a learning experience and chance to improve. Be logical rather than emotional. Remind yourself only one person out of hundreds often gets the job so you are not alone in receiving that letter. You are actually in the majority. Comparing yourself to others on places online and even in “real life” is also an unfair comparison because you often don’t know the actual struggles and personal battles those individuals are facing, as people only reveal to us what they want us to see. Remember, people usually feel and act differently behind closed doors and have struggles of one kind or another. They just may cope better/differently. Since it sounds like your struggling with self-worth and self-love, I would try to foster both by being kind, patient and loving to yourself. Treat yourself with the kindness and acceptance you never received growing up. You may not have received it from your mother growing up, that doesn’t mean you can’t demonstrate that to yourself now, as an adult. One way to be kind to yourself is through positive self-talk opposed to negative. Address yourself and speak to yourself in gentle and encouraging ways. Drop the critical and negative inner voice that probably developed years ago. Try to avoid critical friends or family members when possible. Positive self-talk will take conscious effort but will go a long way in developing your self-worth and self-love. Also, have you tried counseling? A good counselor could help you address your AP ways. Best wishes on your journey 💗 |
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Post by Lizzie on Nov 25, 2018 10:17:39 GMT
Some years ago I returned from my mother's house thinking I wish I was never born. This was a turning point (one of several) in my life, I reduced the contact to a minimum.
It is good to look at your childhood and parents with eyes wide open, to make sense of it all and understand why you are the way you are. However, after a certain point in life you should get past the blame and take responsibility for your own healing.
So I second to faithopelove here. Beautiful comment.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2018 13:47:20 GMT
Hi there...I think all individuals who tested AP can relate...I know I can. I have done the same type of comparison on FB....likes can be addictive and can be misinterpreted if I am not careful. One thing that I do from time to time is take a 30 day "break" from applications that I find activate comparisons in me....then I spend those 30 days being compassionate towards myself by journaling and making fun plans with myself and others. That may help you as well to break that loop of comparison or at least lessen it.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 25, 2018 14:03:32 GMT
Easier said than done because it hurts but look at rejection as the universe is putting you on a better path meant for you. That job probably would have sucked! Look at it that way, a better job is coming that is meant for me. What ever you were rejected from was not meant to be at this time. Its ok to feel hurt, disappointed, etc just dont stay stuck in those feelings, you got this. Dont think you're not good enough or you're not lovable. Even secure people have self doubts and feel rejection, its human, we just dont let it rule us in a negative way, it empowers us to do better and we know something else is out there for us. Focus on the great things that will come, even though it may take time to come and you're down in the dumps. We may wallow in it for a couple days, own those feelings, feel them then know we got this, Im ganna keep it moving, wallow time is over. Its ok to feel it, just dont live there. You're already on your way to a more secure place, you are self aware and taking steps, thats HUGE. Think of all the great things to come now being aware, its going to be a bumpy road filled with potholes but on the other side is a fresh smooth paved road of security/self love.
Also much of what is posted on social media or the like is a curated life, those people can be in more pain than you and their life is a mess. Dont compare you or your life to someone elses curated version of their life. And likes mean nothing really.
I had a bit of a similar thing with my mom but it was more in my teen years. She gave me enough in those early years so I became secure attached but the teens were rough. I wasnt as 'secure' back then. Though looking back she was doing the best she could at the time, she was dealing with her own things. Does not excuse things but she tried and I think fairly well considering she grew up with an abusive drunk mom. My mom turned out alright. I see those things now that Im an adult I surely didn't see as a teen or even my early 20's. Things were a struggle, my dad passed when was 14, she was trying to survive and provide while she had her own life trauma in the past/present.(my dad had issues too like anger) Sometimes when looking at your family, while doesn't excuse things, they were hurt people so they hurt you, its not your fault. It can help you let go of anger, pain, etc seeing they were hurt too. We cant change what happened, we just have to move forward. We cant keep blaming either, it holds you back. And sometimes you just have to minimize them in your life if you need to. Thats ok too. My mom and I are ok now but its not like we are super close and there are things I just dont talk about with her. |
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