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Post by Herewegoagain on May 10, 2017 5:10:03 GMT
So I've been doing a good job getting over my avoidant 'ex' the last few days. It's been a distraction, but I've managed to keep up my daily activities and be productive. I've done a number of things including positive self talk to help push myself mentally through the breakup withdrawals.
One thing though...the physical sensations. I've read the descriptions by avoidants on the 'physical' sensations they experience when triggered (drained, trapped, fear, walls closing in, etc).
My anxiousness/anxiety definitely has a 'feeling'. It's only through practice, some self-soothing and just experience that I'm able to push past the painful physical sensations...just knowing that, from experience, life goes on and I eventually won't feel this discomfort anymore.
Beyond the mental, what the anxiety feels like for me:
1) PANIC...when in the process of losing the person. Can't breathe or think properly. Also a cold shock across entire body.
2) When I reach for a happy memory of that person...it's like just an empty black whole that sucks some of my energy away.
2) Naseau...sick to my stomach if I think about the loss too much.
3) A 'weakness' in my limbs, especially hands and legs.
4) Sometimes shaky
5) Headaches
I wonder if this is what normal people feel like when they break up with a partner?
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Post by annieb on May 11, 2017 14:57:57 GMT
That sounds like a dopamine withdrawal. I think it is very normal, when going through a breakup. That's why it's best to quit cold turkey.
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Post by gaynxious on May 11, 2017 17:07:26 GMT
That sounds like a dopamine withdrawal. I think it is very normal, when going through a breakup. That's why it's best to quit cold turkey. Spot on. As an anxious I'm familiar with the rush you can get from your partner when they actually respond lovingly. I had started to become aware of this in the worst of it with my partner. We had a huge fight and I new it was likely over but he tried to put it past us and held me. I experienced such a rush of relief that it was literally disorienting. I had recently had surgery and the feeling was mos similar to receiving the opiate injections they had given me for pain. I had not yet discovered attachment theory but once I had someone mentioned how the intermittent reinforcement employed by avoidants causes a rush of dopamine and oxytocin to an anxious persons brain and we almost literally become addicted to the experience and therefore the person. Once you break up your brain is screaming for a return to normality. Your body literally has to adjust to the new reality and it does not want to. |
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Post by annieb on May 11, 2017 17:39:25 GMT
That sounds like a dopamine withdrawal. I think it is very normal, when going through a breakup. That's why it's best to quit cold turkey. Spot on. As an anxious I'm familiar with the rush you can get from your partner when they actually respond lovingly. I had started to become aware of this in the worst of it with my partner. We had a huge fight and I new it was likely over but he tried to put it past us and held me. I experienced such a rush of relief that it was literally disorienting. I had recently had surgery and the feeling was mos similar to receiving the opiate injections they had given me for pain. I had not yet discovered attachment theory but once I had someone mentioned how the intermittent reinforcement employed by avoidants causes a rush of dopamine and oxytocin to an anxious persons brain and we almost literally become addicted to the experience and therefore the person. Once you break up your brain is screaming for a return to normality. Your body literally has to adjust to the new reality and it does not want to. Gosh, I just want to hug you right now. I think there is very recent research out there that describes addiction as "An Attachment Disorder". It all makes sense. I wonder what the evolutionary advantage is to this Dopamine Cycle. |
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Post by gaynxious on May 11, 2017 18:36:46 GMT
I think the evolutionary explanation for attachment is that we need our parents as infants so we need to develop some strategy to get hem to take care of us. This system was then multipurpose for finding and keeping a mate because it increased our chances of survival and getting offspring to adulthood. Love is part of this system and dopamine is critical to love. I think addiction in general is just a negative unintended consequence to a natural drive to secure needs. Food and alcohol provide calories, love and sex provide security and reproduction, drugs are able to tap into the reward centers these needs caused to develop. The whole concept of pleasure really is to encourage us to continue to go on living. Unfortunately evolution is quickest answer and not perfect fit.
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Post by mrscuba on May 12, 2017 17:58:52 GMT
So I've been doing a good job getting over my avoidant 'ex' the last few days. It's been a distraction, but I've managed to keep up my daily activities and be productive. I've done a number of things including positive self talk to help push myself mentally through the breakup withdrawals. One thing though...the physical sensations. I've read the descriptions by avoidants on the 'physical' sensations they experience when triggered (drained, trapped, fear, walls closing in, etc). My anxiousness/anxiety definitely has a 'feeling'. It's only through practice, some self-soothing and just experience that I'm able to push past the painful physical sensations...just knowing that, from experience, life goes on and I eventually won't feel this discomfort anymore. Beyond the mental, what the anxiety feels like for me: 1) PANIC...when in the process of losing the person. Can't breathe or think properly. Also a cold shock across entire body. 2) When I reach for a happy memory of that person...it's like just an empty black whole that sucks some of my energy away. 2) Naseau...sick to my stomach if I think about the loss too much. 3) A 'weakness' in my limbs, especially hands and legs. 4) Sometimes shaky 5) Headaches I wonder if this is what normal people feel like when they break up with a partner? Your descriptions of panic are the same exact for me though I'm certainly on the preoccupied side of the spectrum I've realized I'm a lot closer to the secure line than most... but I think it's natural for most of us in the preoccupied and anxious quadrant to feel that way given how our attaccment styles developed. I've known if preoccupieds so anxious that they thought they were having a heart attack after a break up when really it was just a panic attack but the panic was just that heavy on them. So in many ways I have felt almost all of the things you listed after a recent break up with my FA ex gf. |
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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 13:41:01 GMT
This is exactly what I'm going through because of my recent break up. I'm so confused as to something could have ended so fast and abrupt especially after all the good times. I'm trying no contact in hopes of getting my fix back to cure this love addiction. I still want to be with her, but I feel she may be too far gone.
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Post by isfprecupied on Jun 11, 2017 8:21:11 GMT
Tightness in chest, sleeplessness, pit in stomach, anxiety. 1 week broken up with a DA, who now says he'll never speak to me again after so much love.
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Post by mrscuba on Jun 16, 2017 12:53:39 GMT
Tightness in chest, sleeplessness, pit in stomach, anxiety. 1 week broken up with a DA, who now says he'll never speak to me again after so much love. That's very cold! I'm sorry that happened to you. I think you'll realize here that you need to have compassion for yourself and focus on the fact you deserve better than that kind of treatment. |
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Post by mrcamper on Jul 27, 2017 0:59:09 GMT
Tightness in chest, sleeplessness, pit in stomach, anxiety. 1 week broken up with a DA, who now says he'll never speak to me again after so much love. So sorry, and I understand. Cold turkey is best. No contact. It will get better, but not with a DA. Run and stay away. |
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Post by cricket on Jul 27, 2017 1:40:19 GMT
I think its totally normal and very uncomfortable what u are feeling.
I get super duper sweaty palms and hot flashes thru my whole body. Stomachache of course. Crying for hour and cant sleep. And my heart feels like its being squeezed. Its awful.
NC is not good for my nervous system and I prefer being in touch every 2 weeks or so. It helps me let go. Thats how i did it w my 2 big relationships. This last one though is AD and cut me off completely. I have never had this happen to me and it feels way worse.
You are right though, life goes on and eventually you feel better and will smile more and even start to have feelings for someone else one day.
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Post by jaleesa on Aug 19, 2017 17:55:42 GMT
After my ex and I broke up, I was having panick attacks every morning for over a month. Hysterically crying, waking up from nightmares, nervousness, nausea, no appetite. I do think this is wat normal people feel like when they break up, although it felt like I was experiencing severe symptoms of withdrawal at the time haha.
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Post by cricket on Aug 20, 2017 17:39:09 GMT
Jasleesa- I'm so sorry u experience such strong withdrawal:( I get like that but not to that extreme or for that long but I do cry for months and those more extreme reactions usually last about 2 weeks. I still ha e an a he in my chest for a long time tho. But I do not at all think that is how emotionally independent healthy people react to a break up. In fact that's what got me to really look at myself. I knew my reaction was disproportionate to what had happened. If I'm a whole person then my whole life shouldn't unravel because someone chose a different path from me.
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Post by jaleesa on Aug 20, 2017 19:40:51 GMT
Jasleesa- I'm so sorry u experience such strong withdrawal:( I get like that but not to that extreme or for that long but I do cry for months and those more extreme reactions usually last about 2 weeks. I still ha e an a he in my chest for a long time tho. But I do not at all think that is how emotionally independent healthy people react to a break up. In fact that's what got me to really look at myself. I knew my reaction was disproportionate to what had happened. If I'm a whole person then my whole life shouldn't unravel because someone chose a different path from me. To me it was actually the feeling that I was brainwashed that made me think something wasn't right. I have never experienced that feeling before. There was a lot of gaslighting going on in our entire relationship, so it felt like my head exploded when I tried to put all the pieces together haha. But I think you're right! Your last sentence made me second guess my reaction. I think it was disproportionate. How are you right now? Are you in a good place?  |
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Post by cricket on Aug 20, 2017 22:29:07 GMT
Jaleesa- brainwashed is a good word for it. Haha. I get obsessive w the thoughts, does kinda feel like brainwashed.
Right now I'm in an ok place. He just broke plans for today. He wants to just hang w his son. I'm glad he communicated that and I'm not upset just a lil disappointed. But I have other things to focus on now. I prob won't see him for a few weeks so I'm going to have to apply what I've learned to not be emotionally triggered.
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