How do you know when you get triggered?

Activation=Regression for me...an inability to stop the stories in my head or the ruminations or the need to check my text messages....I can be activated without the presence of anyone because the activation is actually within me...mine is not caused by another person....it may be elavated by what the other does....but it is not a result of that person.

@shiningstar, it's a sudden flooding of my nervous system that I lose ability to override and regulate, and it really does feel that way. In the moment, my thoughts start to race, I feel anxiety in my stomach, I want comfort and reassurance (maybe verbally, maybe physically), I get overbearing if it involves a disagreement (I don't lash out, but I don't want to walk away and discuss later, I want to hash everything out right NOW in case there is no later and we never talk again). If it goes unresolved and it's conflict with someone really important to me, it can be followed by up to a week of more racing thoughts, rumination, inability to eat much, maybe a couple days of bad sleep interrupted by anxiety and waking up. It is horrible! The eating habits may not reregulate for several weeks.

Minor triggering is getting slightly uncomfortable from feeling emotional tension in the room, tension that's other people's moods and thoughts and unrelated to me.

Since earning secure, I haven't been majorly triggered, I can communicate what I'm feeling, and minor triggering is annoying but manageable. Again, being able to understand and communicate in the moment and in general what's happening is a big change that really helps. Earning secure also came with rationalizing my fear of abandonment, so it's just better all around.

I’ve mostly been minorly triggered I think, usually just being in close proximity to him. My sleeping and eating habits don’t get too disrupted unless I’m having conflicts. But I do have alot of cognitive activity like the rumination and fantasizing starts after that interaction because I’d like more but I’m not getting any. I asked to make out with the DA and got rejected! I didn’t take it personally though So I think I was secure enough not to react to it.

Let's see--with biological family I get avoidant (thoughts like "I'm never sharing anything real again," "We're done," etc.) or I with my spouse I can get angry and critical (especially when it's sort of the feeling of symbolically being alone in some way and holding up the weight of the world-- like if I feel like I'm responsible for managing the house on my own while things fall into ruin and chaos).


If it's someone who triggers my AP side (and I haven't really had anyone actively in my life who does this for several years but I suppose I can sometimes trigger myself via social media stalking, reading old emails and that sort of thing)... I suppose it's a bit like obsession alternating hope and desire with distrust. I write letters to them in my head or imagine back-and-forth correspondence trying to circle around and understand things, or conversations with them in my head, all sorts of fantasies of romantic things--not necessarily sexual-- followed by fantasies of break-offs or their disappearance, kind of in an oscillating pattern that doesn't resolve itself.

I finally recognized and understood that any time I'm really triggered, it was always related to an underlying fear of abandonment, and explored that within myself, pieced out what might make sense about it and what didn't, and had repaired my self-confidence enough to be like a. people I care about actually don't tend to abandon me, even if we fight (and honestly, the ones who have have been insecurely attached avoidant and we were doing the dance) b. even if they do, I'm still okay.

In regards to communication, resources, and other tips, I just wrote a big comment on that in this thread below, which also has a link to a second long comment I posted a few months back about earning secure from AP. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1559/anxious-susceptibilities?page=1#post-19922

@shiningstar, that's a good description. Also used to happen to me, too. I think this is another situation where you've got to flip the script. It's okay to have cared about someone, even if they didn't get to the same place on the same page, and most people don't just make big sudden changes like that. Usually when they do, it's far more about them than it is about you. I found it's important to depersonalize it and learn to take note of signs of insecurity and instability during the honeymoon period -- if you're anything like me, the honeymoon period had been about chasing chemistry, idealizing the partner, and trying to make sure they like you and don't leave, rather than due diligence around the readiness, maturity, and dependability you deserve (assuming you want a relationship).

For me there is a physical reaction I feel in my stomach. And then of course I feel tears coming up.

Rejection is my nemesis. When I am being or feeling rejected it takes some quiet internal processing (I am not thinking anything, I am just waiting) and then the wave comes and washes over me. It literally feels like being inside a washing machine or fighting ocean waves. Helpless.

The only way to resist it is to distract. Do something that requires some concentration - work task, dishwasing, something physical, playing with a dog, talking with a kid. Some say you should observe the wave and let it pass standing still. Yes, this works, too. But being inside the washing machine feels terrible. So I usually distract (i.e. reject the wave) while I still can.

It is not very mature but I sometimes just reject the rejector - "So you do not want me? Fine, you can go and f* yourself, I do not want you either."

In reality I do my absolute best to avoid any kind of rejection - I have been an A student all my life, I am a perfectionist at work, I avoid situation where I am not good at something (e.g. any sports activity) etc. However, love is what I cannot control and here I am fully exposed. I have experienced so much rejection in love (from very few avoidant people, though) that lasts for a lifetime and makes up for all the other areas where I have managed to avoid rejection.

My comment wasn't really useful, was it?