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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2018 17:29:09 GMT
This attachment style is soo confusing.
When I tell him I love him and I want us to commit one day. He pushes me away and distances himself. Doesn't reply to my texts and avoids going out with me when I iniate. Says not loving him would make things easier and doesn't feel the same way as I do. Starts acting anxious around me by the fact that I love him. But he does continue to laugh with me. Replies sometimes to my messages.
Saids he doesn't mind us dating and hanging out. But no commitment. Then we can work on things and sees how things go.
So I try to make things easier for him. To help him to feel better and move on. I tell him I don't love him.
I thought this way it would make him feel better and less anxious.
Nope this in fact makes things worse.
The fact I tell him I don't love him appears to make him feel hurt and angry towards me. He distances himself. Gets angry towards me. Holds a grudge. Doesn't acknowledge me. Appears really upset and makes it clear to me.
Tells me no we cant work on things. Doesn't ever want to get back.
Then acts and starts to get jealous when I mention about dating someone new. Gets upset and starts to try to make me jealous.
Holds resentment and anger towards me and refuses to be nice ever since I told him I don't love him.
I'm confused.
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Post by epicgum on Nov 27, 2018 17:58:50 GMT
Haha are you dating me? That sounds very familiar.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2018 18:05:19 GMT
Could you explain more about it. It's so confusing. And what is the attachment style this sounds like?
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2018 18:07:23 GMT
Sounds potentially fearful avoidant. I suggest you read through some of the threads on that board to start off.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2018 18:09:12 GMT
No matter what it is, though, you're not going to be able to change him. He said he doesn't want a relationship with you at this time -- listen to him. He still has feelings and probably cares, which is why he acts confusing, but it's not enough if you're looking for something stable. He's not there at this time.
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 27, 2018 19:46:51 GMT
I’m just trying to see this from his perspective: he maybe likes you but is afraid of infancy (as so many of us here ultimately are) and commitment. So he says it would be easier if you didn’t and that it makes him nervous because he doesn’t share that degree of feeling with you. Doesn’t mean he isn’t interested just doesn’t “love” you or want to committ to you- nothing wrong with that unless that is what you want- then it doesn’t work for you and that’s ok even though it is maybe sad and painful.
You told him you don’t love him. Was this a way to keep the peace or make it easier for him to be with you??. That would make me ask a few things- did she lie to me? Then or now? Either way- can I trust her? Did she flip on me? Why does she now feel differently? What about me isn’t good enough? Why would she tell me that? If someone I’m interested in who loved me now tells me they don’t- that would make me question a lot of things and would hurt- I don’t teally think your attachment style matters although it would probably affect your response to that. A DA I imagine might be able to dust that off more easily since they don’t seem to personalize things. For me it would make the stories in my head run wild but I would not be able to find the courage to confront you about it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2018 19:56:44 GMT
I’m just trying to see this from his perspective: he maybe likes you but is afraid of infancy (as so many of us here ultimately are) and commitment. So he says it would be easier if you didn’t and that it makes him nervous because he doesn’t share that degree of feeling with you. Doesn’t mean he isn’t interested just doesn’t “love” you or want to committ to you- nothing wrong with that unless that is what you want- then it doesn’t work for you and that’s ok even though it is maybe sad and painful. You told him you don’t love him. Was this a way to keep the peace or make it easier for him to be with you??. That would make me ask a few things- did she lie to me? Then or now? Either way- can I trust her? Did she flip on me? Why does she now feel differently? What about me isn’t good enough? Why would she tell me that? If someone I’m interested in who loved me now tells me they don’t- that would make me question a lot of things and would hurt- I don’t teally think your attachment style matters although it would probably affect your response to that. A DA I imagine might be able to dust that off more easily since they don’t seem to personalize things. For me it would make the stories in my head run wild but I would not be able to find the courage to confront you about it. I said it hoping to ease the anxiety he felt about me loving him. I thought saying I don't love him would help him to feel relieved. Although at one point he said it did. His actions and words speak completely different volumes. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 27, 2018 20:01:20 GMT
I’m just trying to see this from his perspective: he maybe likes you but is afraid of infancy (as so many of us here ultimately are) and commitment. So he says it would be easier if you didn’t and that it makes him nervous because he doesn’t share that degree of feeling with you. Doesn’t mean he isn’t interested just doesn’t “love” you or want to committ to you- nothing wrong with that unless that is what you want- then it doesn’t work for you and that’s ok even though it is maybe sad and painful. You told him you don’t love him. Was this a way to keep the peace or make it easier for him to be with you??. That would make me ask a few things- did she lie to me? Then or now? Either way- can I trust her? Did she flip on me? Why does she now feel differently? What about me isn’t good enough? Why would she tell me that? If someone I’m interested in who loved me now tells me they don’t- that would make me question a lot of things and would hurt- I don’t teally think your attachment style matters although it would probably affect your response to that. A DA I imagine might be able to dust that off more easily since they don’t seem to personalize things. For me it would make the stories in my head run wild but I would not be able to find the courage to confront you about it. I said it hoping to ease the anxiety he felt about me loving him. I thought saying I don't love him would help him to feel relieved. Although at one point he said it did. His actions and words speak completely different volumes. I can speak only for myself, but in my experience the "I love you" is/was terrifying because I thought the girl was going to become self destructive because i couldn't give her enough, or that she would abandon me because i couldn't give her enough. Edit: OR that i would be pushed to agree to something i didn't want and become "trapped" somehow. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 27, 2018 20:39:49 GMT
I said it hoping to ease the anxiety he felt about me loving him. I thought saying I don't love him would help him to feel relieved. Although at one point he said it did. His actions and words speak completely different volumes. I can speak only for myself, but in my experience the "I love you" is/was terrifying because I thought the girl was going to become self destructive because i couldn't give her enough, or that she would abandon me because i couldn't give her enough. I can totally see how this would be- it would feel like a lot of pressure to me to be honest. To know they had feelings stronger than me- would I hurt them? Would I disappoint them? especially if I have low self esteem and feel unlovable. I might feel like the bad guy underneath so that while I liked them and wanted to be with them it could be in the background that feeling that I am not giving them what they need while trying to hold on to what I need. This is just me of course. I’m obviously not him and can’t speak for him. I understand why you might have tried to take it back. I have never directly taken the words back but have tried to act more aloof and “chill” after having said way more than I should have as a way to try to smooth it over. That back fired on me. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2018 20:49:28 GMT
Is there anyway to try to recover from it?
Like informing the truth that I do love him but what if that made things worse?
Also I'm leaving my job in 5 five weeks. We work together. I don't have long. If I can use this time to try to turn it around. I would.
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 27, 2018 21:05:26 GMT
Is there anyway to try to recover from it? Like informing the truth that I do love him but what if that made things worse? Also I'm leaving my job in 5 five weeks. We work together. I don't have long. If I can use this time to try to turn it around. I would. This is just one girls opinion. I don’t like thinking I ruined something from a place of inauthenticity. From where I stand I think you need to be completely honest- first with yourself about what you want then if you still want to- with him if he’s willing to go there with you. Even if that means it doesn’t work out because you want different things. You can’t go into it trying to sell him what he wants- go into it being clear what you want and stick by that. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 27, 2018 21:08:59 GMT
I read a quote that said “the important thing isn’t how they respond- it’s how authentically you express yourself”. You cant know what he will do but no matter what you’ll know you were true to yourself and that will matter the most in the end.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 28, 2018 0:58:43 GMT
Bottom line, dont hinder yourself or feelings because it will trigger him, its his problem not yours, dont tiptoe, its not healthy. Dont participate in unhealthy behaviors because of him.
You have to be true and what that truth brings is meant to be. The truth will set you free.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 28, 2018 0:58:48 GMT
I agree with others above-- you said something that went against your heart to try to affect his behavior. Don't do that again. If you're going to have a healthy relationship, you need to be able to be real.
Given that you're someone who wants commitment, maybe decide how long you're willing to date without one, and stick to that (if you don't have a real commitment at that point, then move on as difficult as it might be).
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 28, 2018 1:32:54 GMT
This attachment style is soo confusing. When I tell him I love him and I want us to commit one day. He pushes me away and distances himself. Doesn't reply to my texts and avoids going out with me when I iniate. Says not loving him would make things easier and doesn't feel the same way as I do. Starts acting anxious around me by the fact that I love him. But he does continue to laugh with me. Replies sometimes to my messages. Saids he doesn't mind us dating and hanging out. But no commitment. Then we can work on things and sees how things go. So I try to make things easier for him. To help him to feel better and move on. I tell him I don't love him. I thought this way it would make him feel better and less anxious. Nope this in fact makes things worse. The fact I tell him I don't love him appears to make him feel hurt and angry towards me. He distances himself. Gets angry towards me. Holds a grudge. Doesn't acknowledge me. Appears really upset and makes it clear to me. Tells me no we cant work on things. Doesn't ever want to get back. Then acts and starts to get jealous when I mention about dating someone new. Gets upset and starts to try to make me jealous. Holds resentment and anger towards me and refuses to be nice ever since I told him I don't love him. I'm confused. Don’t tell him what you think he wants to hear. Tell him the truth. Otherwise, he’ll be just as confused as you are! Be true to yourself |
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