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Post by stavs on Dec 3, 2018 15:23:51 GMT
What are some coping strategies you use to deal with the lack of physical and emotional intimacy with an FA partner? Communication is very poor as I usually get stonewalled.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 15:59:36 GMT
I think it's important to note that if this dynamic gives you discontentment now, that probably won't change... like they say in Attached, you're only as needy as your unmet needs. Imagine asking for coping strategies for dealing with lack of food, or for dealing with a draft in winter.. like there's only so much that can be substituted but it'll not be the real deal I guess?
I think it's a less than ideal situation to be in to be pining for more affection, because affection and attunement from partners is co-regulating - healthy couples become like systems that naturally regulate each other by their intimate attunement, it's really interesting, it's good for your health and you live longer, but if this partnership is one you've decided to commit yourself to, then I would say that you should not ignore your needs for intimacy or come up with ways to try and meet them all yourself because we are social creatures and can only do so much ourselves since we're hardwired to stay social for safety, so honour the legitimacy of your needs and work to get them from somewhere else if she is unable to give it to you...
Someone I know who feels regretful about 40 years marriage to the DA man who unsurprisingly hasn't changed, she fills her calendar with events and groups and just tries her best to immerse herself in her community, her children, and whatever connection is going wherever she can get it
For me, my therapy is a god send most of the time - anywhere where you can develop rich, deep, fulfilling relationships, that is your best work if you have chosen a relationship like this... if she wants to work towards security, that would be awesome too, since whether we like it or not, these relationships with insecurely attached partners move us away from security and we have to work harder to earn it
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 16:04:36 GMT
An amazing book on relationship skills is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix - recommended to me by my therapist
It's got really good activities to develop more intimacy in your relationship
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Post by stavs on Dec 3, 2018 18:03:23 GMT
An amazing book on relationship skills is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix - recommended to me by my therapist It's got really good activities to develop more intimacy in your relationship Is this dependant on the other person being involved? |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 3, 2018 23:30:05 GMT
Why do you want to try and cope?
I had to let mine go, he wont give me what I need right now. Im not going to deal with coping personally, I should not have to, I will find someone that will give me sex, etc. These are basic human needs and wants. I dont care how much we have in common or how great he is outside his avoidancy... I need time together, sex, etc.
Hes so avoidant I cant even get once a week time with him and hes not a self aware hes avoidant. He just knows he 'off'.
Well, he may be now since I said to look it up my last text to him, we are in no contact and its been almost two months so who knows if he did or not. I have faith he will get there one day but it will probably be way too late for us by then. Others reached their breaking point and so can he.
The universe is going to keep sending women his way to make him face it. Its how the universe works. he is used to the AP dance and Im a secure that brought it to his attention, I was always calm and nurtured him. He doesn't know calm. haha. I made him 'face it' differently than the gals he dances with.
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Post by stavs on Dec 4, 2018 0:31:08 GMT
Why do you want to try and cope? I had to let mine go, he wont give me what I need right now. Im not going to deal with coping personally, I should not have to, I will find someone that will give me sex, etc. These are basic human needs and wants. I dont care how much we have in common or how great he is outside his avoidancy... I need time together, sex, etc. Hes so avoidant I cant even get once a week time with him and hes not a self aware hes avoidant. He just knows he 'off'. Well, he may be now since I said to look it up my last text to him, we are in no contact and its been almost two months so who knows if he did or not. I have faith he will get there one day but it will probably be way too late for us by then. Others reached their breaking point and so can he. The universe is going to keep sending women his way to make him face it. Its how the universe works. he is used to the AP dance and Im a secure that brought it to his attention, I was always calm and nurtured him. He doesn't know calm. haha. I made him 'face it' differently than the gals he dances with. Leaving is easier said than done sadly. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 4, 2018 0:36:10 GMT
Why do you want to try and cope? I had to let mine go, he wont give me what I need right now. Im not going to deal with coping personally, I should not have to, I will find someone that will give me sex, etc. These are basic human needs and wants. I dont care how much we have in common or how great he is outside his avoidancy... I need time together, sex, etc. Hes so avoidant I cant even get once a week time with him and hes not a self aware hes avoidant. He just knows he 'off'. Well, he may be now since I said to look it up my last text to him, we are in no contact and its been almost two months so who knows if he did or not. I have faith he will get there one day but it will probably be way too late for us by then. Others reached their breaking point and so can he. The universe is going to keep sending women his way to make him face it. Its how the universe works. he is used to the AP dance and Im a secure that brought it to his attention, I was always calm and nurtured him. He doesn't know calm. haha. I made him 'face it' differently than the gals he dances with. Leaving is easier said than done sadly. It is, it was VERY hard to do, hes been the hardest Ive ever encountered, he triggered my anxious side. Im still even working on getting him out of my head and energy. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 4, 2018 0:37:41 GMT
Leaving is easier said than done sadly. It is, it was VERY hard to do, hes been the hardest Ive ever encountered, he triggered my anxious side. Im still even working on getting him out of my head and energy. I hear ya! It sucks.....my ex and I were talking and she cant believe how my confidence has gone done since we broke up. Its a total shot to the center. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 4, 2018 0:41:01 GMT
I'll still have to deal with his circle back yet, I know he will be back. Hes been up in my social media too.
I know he has some real feelings in there somewhere but his avoidance So strong. Its a shame because we do have things in common and sex is hot. haha.
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Post by stavs on Dec 4, 2018 0:58:44 GMT
I'll still have to deal with his circle back yet, I know he will be back. Hes been up in my social media too. I know he has some real feelings in there somewhere but his avoidance So strong. Its a shame because we do have things in common and sex is hot. haha. After close to two years, I'm finally meeting the parents Saturday. Kind of a milestone... |
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Post by stavs on Dec 4, 2018 2:20:56 GMT
I'll be honest....as I'm a bit tipsy....I just dont want to be alone, and scraps are better than nothing :/
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Post by alexandra on Dec 4, 2018 2:44:47 GMT
I'll be honest....as I'm a bit tipsy....I just dont want to be alone, and scraps are better than nothing :/
Hi stavs, honesty is good... you've been caught in the dance with her for a long time now. In the past you've been concerned that if you worked through the issues that have led to your anxious attachment, then you'd probably want to find someone who was a better match for you and you'd forget about her... yet that didn't seem like a desirable outcome to you. If you're not ready to work on your side, then you're not ready, but have you considered doing any self-esteem building work since your last round of posts earlier this year? Scraps keep you from finding someone one day who may make you feel less alone. |
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Post by blueunif on Dec 4, 2018 9:12:19 GMT
I think it's important to note that if this dynamic gives you discontentment now, that probably won't change... like they say in Attached, you're only as needy as your unmet needs. Imagine asking for coping strategies for dealing with lack of food, or for dealing with a draft in winter.. like there's only so much that can be substituted but it'll not be the real deal I guess? I think it's a less than ideal situation to be in to be pining for more affection, because affection and attunement from partners is co-regulating - healthy couples become like systems that naturally regulate each other by their intimate attunement, it's really interesting, it's good for your health and you live longer, but if this partnership is one you've decided to commit yourself to, then I would say that you should not ignore your needs for intimacy or come up with ways to try and meet them all yourself because we are social creatures and can only do so much ourselves since we're hardwired to stay social for safety, so honour the legitimacy of your needs and work to get them from somewhere else if she is unable to give it to you... Someone I know who feels regretful about 40 years marriage to the DA man who unsurprisingly hasn't changed, she fills her calendar with events and groups and just tries her best to immerse herself in her community, her children, and whatever connection is going wherever she can get it For me, my therapy is a god send most of the time - anywhere where you can develop rich, deep, fulfilling relationships, that is your best work if you have chosen a relationship like this... if she wants to work towards security, that would be awesome too, since whether we like it or not, these relationships with insecurely attached partners move us away from security and we have to work harder to earn it That's really helpful to know about the person you know as this looks like my path at the moment and I'm at the 20 year mark. I do that too but I'm wondering at what point am I going to give up, ever, never? I reckon thousands of women stay married to men like this (such a common dynamic - in no way am I undermining when it's the other way round too..) and I would like to know the 'trick' of confident older women who see the funny side and laugh at their husbands affectionately. If anyone knows, tell me!!  |
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Post by blueunif on Dec 4, 2018 9:13:28 GMT
What are some coping strategies you use to deal with the lack of physical and emotional intimacy with an FA partner? Communication is very poor as I usually get stonewalled. Getting stonewalled sure sucks but the worst thing you can do is pursue. I don't always succeed but it's better to turn your back and go and do something to soothe yourself. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 4, 2018 13:16:52 GMT
I'll be honest....as I'm a bit tipsy....I just dont want to be alone, and scraps are better than nothing :/
Hi stavs , honesty is good... you've been caught in the dance with her for a long time now. In the past you've been concerned that if you worked through the issues that have led to your anxious attachment, then you'd probably want to find someone who was a better match for you and you'd forget about her... yet that didn't seem like a desirable outcome to you. If you're not ready to work on your side, then you're not ready, but have you considered doing any self-esteem building work since your last round of posts earlier this year? Scraps keep you from finding someone one day who may make you feel less alone. I've done a lot of reading, but mostly it has been to understand her anxiety and attachment style...thats the problem, I focus on others instead of myself. |
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