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Post by tnr9 on Dec 6, 2018 12:31:41 GMT
Hi stavs , honesty is good... you've been caught in the dance with her for a long time now. In the past you've been concerned that if you worked through the issues that have led to your anxious attachment, then you'd probably want to find someone who was a better match for you and you'd forget about her... yet that didn't seem like a desirable outcome to you. If you're not ready to work on your side, then you're not ready, but have you considered doing any self-esteem building work since your last round of posts earlier this year? Scraps keep you from finding someone one day who may make you feel less alone. I've done a lot of reading, but mostly it has been to understand her anxiety and attachment style...thats the problem, I focus on others instead of myself. Stavs...wow....just wow.....when you posted before, I remember you saying how many girls were interested in you...and now you are settling for scraps. šš But I get it....you and I have the same AP bias. I found out my seritonin levels were low and now I am on medication for that and it has helped me find breathing space in my APness. I read men actually tend to have more dopamine deficiencies...so you may want to see about that. The focus on others was a survival technique as a child...and it will always be my instinctual first thought as well....what I am now doing is reminding myself that I have no influence over another person...I can only be responsible to myself....not in a Narcissitic way...but in a freeing...what the other person does is about that person and not about me...it is something I have to do over and over and over again. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 6, 2018 15:09:57 GMT
Ā I have no influence over another person...I can only be responsible to myself....not in a Narcissitic way...but in a freeing...what the other person does is about that person and not about me...it is something I have to do over and over and over again. Especially when Iām triggered, itās quite insulting to my personal sovereignty when someone makes my actions all about them, so itās a win/win situation. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 7, 2018 1:35:13 GMT
I've done a lot of reading, but mostly it has been to understand her anxiety and attachment style...thats the problem, I focus on others instead of myself. Stavs...wow....just wow.....when you posted before, I remember you saying how many girls were interested in you...and now you are settling for scraps. šš But I get it....you and I have the same AP bias. I found out my seritonin levels were low and now I am on medication for that and it has helped me find breathing space in my APness. I read men actually tend to have more dopamine deficiencies...so you may want to see about that. The focus on others was a survival technique as a child...and it will always be my instinctual first thought as well....what I am now doing is reminding myself that I have no influence over another person...I can only be responsible to myself....not in a Narcissitic way...but in a freeing...what the other person does is about that person and not about me...it is something I have to do over and over and over again. I still have that "problem" with other women being interested in me, but I'm competitive and spoiled, and when i dont get what i want....well, it just messes with me. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 7, 2018 11:52:39 GMT
Stavs...wow....just wow.....when you posted before, I remember you saying how many girls were interested in you...and now you are settling for scraps. šš But I get it....you and I have the same AP bias. I found out my seritonin levels were low and now I am on medication for that and it has helped me find breathing space in my APness. I read men actually tend to have more dopamine deficiencies...so you may want to see about that. The focus on others was a survival technique as a child...and it will always be my instinctual first thought as well....what I am now doing is reminding myself that I have no influence over another person...I can only be responsible to myself....not in a Narcissitic way...but in a freeing...what the other person does is about that person and not about me...it is something I have to do over and over and over again. I still have that "problem" with other women being interested in me, but I'm competitive and spoiled, and when i dont get what i want....well, it just messes with me. I find it interesting that you call other girls being interested in you a "problem". What is it specifically that you don't like about them or more specifically..their behavior...and do you reject those same behaviors within yourself? Case in point, I tend to have an automatic...I would call it...avoidant response to any guy that who was too available and too interested in me. I felt this "I need you to make me feel ok" vibe from them and my immediate feeling/thought was disgust/I can't give you what I don't have...and huge walls would go up with moats and more walls etc. (feels an awful lot like what I interpreted as my mom and dad's response to me as a little girl). Not sure if that is a similar experience to yours....but wanted to put it out there. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 7, 2018 12:40:52 GMT
I still have that "problem" with other women being interested in me, but I'm competitive and spoiled, and when i dont get what i want....well, it just messes with me. I find it interesting that you call other girls being interested in you a "problem". What is it specifically that you don't like about them or more specifically..their behavior...and do you reject those same behaviors within yourself? Case in point, I tend to have an automatic...I would call it...avoidant response to any guy that who was too available and too interested in me. I felt this "I need you to make me feel ok" vibe from them and my immediate feeling/thought was disgust/I can't give you what I don't have...and huge walls would go up with moats and more walls etc. (feels an awful lot like what I interpreted as my mom and dad's response to me as a little girl). Not sure if that is a similar experience to yours....but wanted to put it out there. It's a problem because it's attention within "our circle" so to speak and even though my GF says she is not jealous, I can tell she is a little bit. I honestly have zero interest in chasing anyone else, or being chased. My energy is focused on my relationship, and I certainly dont want anyone messing it up. As for their behavior, there have been a couple that have tried to drive a spike between my GF and I...very childish IMO, but is what it is. As for your avoidant response, I struggle to understand that somewhat. Why is it such a bad thing to have someone show interest? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 7, 2018 14:42:03 GMT
I find it interesting that you call other girls being interested in you a "problem". What is it specifically that you don't like about them or more specifically..their behavior...and do you reject those same behaviors within yourself? Case in point, I tend to have an automatic...I would call it...avoidant response to any guy that who was too available and too interested in me. I felt this "I need you to make me feel ok" vibe from them and my immediate feeling/thought was disgust/I can't give you what I don't have...and huge walls would go up with moats and more walls etc. (feels an awful lot like what I interpreted as my mom and dad's response to me as a little girl). Not sure if that is a similar experience to yours....but wanted to put it out there. It's a problem because it's attention within "our circle" so to speak and even though my GF says she is not jealous, I can tell she is a little bit. I honestly have zero interest in chasing anyone else, or being chased. My energy is focused on my relationship, and I certainly dont want anyone messing it up. As for their behavior, there have been a couple that have tried to drive a spike between my GF and I...very childish IMO, but is what it is. As for your avoidant response, I struggle to understand that somewhat. Why is it such a bad thing to have someone show interest? It isn't the interest, it's the motive I feel behind it. I tend to attract men who are not very social....and I am a social butterfly...so that pairing feels off to me....like they are looking to me to pull them out of their shell. I had one guy send me a compliment through FB and we were not friends and that felt like a violation of my privacy...especially since I would see him every week at church and he said zippo to me. The compliment felt over the top...he told me he had observed me for years and that I had a heart for God that he didnot see in other women....that just felt....icky....I know he was trying to be nice...but I just could not rid myself of the sense that he was looking to me to complete something lacking in him and my reaction was to put up walls and moats and more walls. It isn't a very mature reaction...probably more align to a 12 or 13 year old then a grown woman...but I hated the feeling of longing being placed upon me. My internal dialogue was...Sorry that you grew up lacking too...but I can't give you what I don't have (and would not want to give it to you if I had it). Wow...you just opened up a rant. I guess it felt like it was more an obligation then a compliment...it felt like there was an expectation of something in return...so I pushed back...closed down...would not look or speak to him. |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 9, 2018 17:35:40 GMT
What are some coping strategies you use to deal with the lack of physical and emotional intimacy with an FA partner? Communication is very poor as I usually get stonewalled. Limiting the discussion to coping. And assuming your partner is not going to change, I think the best way is to find other ways to meet those needs, such as friends at least for emotional intimacy. Im not sure about physical intimacy. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 10, 2018 4:59:49 GMT
It's a problem because it's attention within "our circle" so to speak and even though my GF says she is not jealous, I can tell she is a little bit. I honestly have zero interest in chasing anyone else, or being chased. My energy is focused on my relationship, and I certainly dont want anyone messing it up. As for their behavior, there have been a couple that have tried to drive a spike between my GF and I...very childish IMO, but is what it is.Ā As for your avoidant response, I struggle to understand that somewhat. Why is it such a bad thing to have someone show interest?Ā It isn't the interest, it's the motive I feel behind it. Ā I tend to attract men who are not very social....and I am a social butterfly...so that pairing feels off to me....like they are looking to me to pull them out of their shell. Ā I had one guy send me a compliment through FB and we were not friends and that felt like a violation of my privacy...especially since I would see him every week at church and he said zippo to me. Ā The compliment felt over the top...he told me he had observed me for years and that I had a heart for God that he didnot see in other women....that just felt....icky....I know he was trying to be nice...but I just could not rid myself of the sense that he was looking to me to complete something lacking in him and my reaction was to put up walls and moats and more walls. Ā It isn't a very mature reaction...probably more align to a 12 or 13 year old then a grown woman...but I hated the feeling of longing being placed upon me. Ā My internal dialogue was...Sorry that you grew up lacking too...but I can't give you what I don't have (and would not want to give it to you if I had it). Ā Wow...you just opened up a rant. Ā I guess it felt like it was more an obligation then a compliment...it felt like there was an expectation of something in return...so I pushed back...closed down...would not look or speak to him. It turns me off when a guy overly pursues or pours on the compliments and charm to me, too. I think it makes me suspicious and I trust them less. I also like confident men and any needy behavior- before thereās a chance to develop real feelings, turns me off as I think I perceive them as weak. I also think some of these seemingly āconfidentā men are actually avoidant, so Iām now more aware my attraction to that... |
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Post by stavs on Dec 10, 2018 13:24:49 GMT
It isn't the interest, it's the motive I feel behind it. I tend to attract men who are not very social....and I am a social butterfly...so that pairing feels off to me....like they are looking to me to pull them out of their shell. I had one guy send me a compliment through FB and we were not friends and that felt like a violation of my privacy...especially since I would see him every week at church and he said zippo to me. The compliment felt over the top...he told me he had observed me for years and that I had a heart for God that he didnot see in other women....that just felt....icky....I know he was trying to be nice...but I just could not rid myself of the sense that he was looking to me to complete something lacking in him and my reaction was to put up walls and moats and more walls. It isn't a very mature reaction...probably more align to a 12 or 13 year old then a grown woman...but I hated the feeling of longing being placed upon me. My internal dialogue was...Sorry that you grew up lacking too...but I can't give you what I don't have (and would not want to give it to you if I had it). Wow...you just opened up a rant. I guess it felt like it was more an obligation then a compliment...it felt like there was an expectation of something in return...so I pushed back...closed down...would not look or speak to him. It turns me off when a guy overly pursues or pours on the compliments and charm to me, too. I think it makes me suspicious and I trust them less. I also like confident men and any needy behavior- before thereās a chance to develop real feelings, turns me off as I think I perceive them as weak. I also think some of these seemingly āconfidentā men are actually avoidant, so Iām now more aware my attraction to that... Confidence comes in many flavors...avoidant being one of them. It's really all about perception. |
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Post by ladynijo on Feb 12, 2019 22:32:01 GMT
I think an obvious pursuit by a prospective suitor can be very off putting to an AP - it's so overwhelming because it's way beyond our expectations of love and affection, we're simply not used to it, even if it's what we're secretly hoping for. We don't know how to deal with it, so react with suspicion or fear or put up barriers.
Actually reading what I just put, thats almost avoidant behaviour. i wonder if these styles of attachment can be learned or changed depending on the partner? So possibly a more robust AP who is being enthusiastically pursued by another AP would morph into a FA?
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Feb 13, 2019 3:12:04 GMT
Is it really the attention that they offer that makes these suitors unattractive, or is it because you don't feel attracted to them in the first place?
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Post by mistakes on Feb 13, 2019 7:11:26 GMT
Stavs, I feel stuck too, today. Reading how you and trn9 feel avoidant towards people that shows interest, which I see that I have the same reaction, it makes me wonder, maybe thatās why some people explain that, the AP only chase those that avoid us, and push people thatās available away, cause AP is also scared of intimacy...
Enough on theory, for understanding doesnāt help smoothing the anxiety from the āpartnerā. I find that, whenever Iām triggered, I would be annoyed with any friends that tried to be nice and caring for me, this let me realised that Iām triggered. And I realised that not enough sleep makes it worst. In moment like this, I find it helped a little, to accept myself for missing the person badly, give myself permission not to seek solution at the moment, in order not to say or do anything that I would regret for sure, and just take some deep breathes. If I have the strength to treat myself a little, like make myself a cup of tea, I would try to enjoy the moment. Or else, I would let myself to cry until I feel better.
It sucks already to be stuck. Try a little self love is the least could be done in the moment.
Hope this sharing let you feel less lonely...
The thought that helps me to stop any action to try to pursuits the person is, knowing that Iām not in a calm place, and the person is not able to soothe. If I finally able to leave the person or build a more secure relationship, self-soothes is the only way...
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