Just want to make life less painful | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

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Just want to make life less painful Dec 14, 2015 0:39:29 GMT

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Post by guest on Dec 14, 2015 0:39:29 GMT

I don't really know why I'm here, or if attachment is really the right answer - probably not, tbh - I know there is nothing anyone can say or do. I'm just sick of it. I'm not really happy with "real" people; I prefer the imaginary ones in my head. So I spend pretty much all day with them: when I'm at work, when I'm with real friends...I daydream obsessively. I can't sleep because I daydream so much and I don't want to leave my imaginary world and come back to the real one. The real one is just so empty. I hate my life. I have long-term friendships, no arguments, no conflict with my family (but not much of a bond either, I suppose. I worry about my brother but don't talk to him much, never think of Dad,, speak to my mother but she's more like a friend/therapist). I've also had long term relationships. Nothing stormy or dramatic there, bar one break up many years ago now that destroyed me for a while (it came at a time when there was a lot of shit to deal with and I didn't want to give myself time to grieve - trying to push it away made that grieving so much more dramatic). I've had SO MUCH therapy. So much.

I just can't get anything from life. I do the things I want to do, I push myself, I'm fairly successful career wise, not as much as I want to be. I feel nothing about it except shame. I'm lonely but I don't want people near me. They'll only hurt me more. Either I'll end up having to look after them, or they're just going to tell me what's wrong with me anyway. I don't understand what the point of doing that is. If they don't like me just as I am, why do they have hang around me? There's no point telling me when I'm doing things wrong or why I'm not good enough (for them). I can't show emotions, it's too overwhelming to do so. I've been in my current therapy for over a year and if any emotion comes up within me I just want to leave the room. I laugh it off or shove it down or change the subject. I can't do it, I don't want to show emotion in front of anyone. I just don't want to have to go there, it's almost like I think I might die. But then will I stay like this forever if I don't do that? God it's all so pointless.

Sorry, I know this is just a rant on a random board somewhere on the internet. I think I'm looking for someone to tell me they understand and that I can do this. I guess that's what the imaginary people tell me, haha!

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Just want to make life less painful Dec 15, 2015 20:41:05 GMT

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Post by Jeb Kinnison on Dec 15, 2015 20:41:05 GMT

You're in therapy, which is one route to finding a better way; if your current therapy is not getting you out of it, try a different therapist, and perhaps you would benefit from trials of some of the antidepressants out there. The lack of joy in being close to others and your sense of being burdened or injured by anyone who might be in a relationship with you is part of the dismissive attachment pattern. But you sound not only avoidant, but depressed by the lack of positive emotions in your life, and meaning in accomplishment.

We have all felt like that for brief periods. The worry is that you are stuck in this pattern. Continue to reach out and try anything to disrupt the pattern -- therapy, drugs, new experiences. Do anything rather than sink into despair. If there are any relatives or friends who make you feel better to be near, make a point of thinking of them and if you can, see them more often.

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Just want to make life less painful Dec 30, 2015 2:44:09 GMT

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Post by guest123 on Dec 30, 2015 2:44:09 GMT

Thank you Jeb, I didn't realise you had replied until now. I remembered I had written here. Having read attachment theory, I really can't tell if I'm dismissive. I have signs of preoccupied too. I seem to swing about in between. I find that I idealise old boyfriends - both when single and in relationship - but think of them as 'gone' (they've changed now, I suppose, that we have grown up). I know I tend to keep myself away from others by thinking that no friend will be like the friends I had at school (so what's the point in meeting new people?) or no boyfriend will be like my first love (so what's the point in meeting new men?) Or sometimes I just make someone up and think "no one will be as good as that"....so what's the point of looking?

Tonight I actually changed my mind. I'm making myself miserable without reason. Of course my life feels empty if I have all of these negative expectations of people; and the fact is my achievements in my career just don't make up for that. I can't just be the "high attainment" girl. That's empty. That's why I feel empty. So I decided that my New Year's resolution is to think positive things of the people I meet. I am starting a new job in the New Year and I had assumed (as I always do) that everyone there will be an idiot and I don't want to know them. But that makes me unhappy, so I'm just going to walk in there assuming they're all awesome and I do want to know them. They can prove me wrong if they want. I'm sick of harking back to an idealised past (it's definitely not what it was actually like, it's too sickly sweet); and suddenly getting nostalgic for something that probably never happened, then telling myself there is no point in the future because no one will ever match up to whomever has suddenly entered my mind. In 2016, I'm just going to approach people with curiosity. Maybe they're not all idiots; maybe they're not all too different from me. Maybe it won't all be a massive disappointment. I don't want a relationship yet (although tonight I apparently want to be with my first love, who will of course be a completely different person by now, so it's stupid), but I see that as a kind of advanced level. I will at least talk to people and perhaps make new friends. I don't want to sit around making myself unhappy.

Oh and I've been on all the antidepressants by the way, they don't help, make me worse. I'm quite dissociative by nature - I have a problem with that, especially under stress. I seem to suffer from a degree of structural dissociation (connected with attachment, in which one 'part' of the self is dismissive avoidant and the other 'part' is preoccupied. You live as dismissive but the preoccupied can be triggered. The end result is that you feel you are two people - or in my case, one person (dismissive) with an imposter that wants to ruin me (preoccupied)). I've learned a lot from reading theory! I understand the trick is to recognise my needs are normal and not shameful. I don't think I'm too avoidant, though. I'm certainly not cold and have never been accused of it. I've been told I'm "too nice" plenty of times, and I do notice that anyone who has ever been important to me stays important no matter how much time has passed. Not in a romantic way, necessary (although sometimes); but more in that they remain a significant part of my life and I genuinely care about their wellbeing no matter how distant they are or how rarely I think of them. In a way, love does not die for me. I continue to love those who I have loved, I just love them in a different way. I want the best for them. They matter to me, deeply. More so than for other people I speak to who seem to forget those in their past. So I am not sure I am dismissive at all.

But anyway, I ramble. I have decided to turn a corner. Thank you for your kind reply.