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Post by kathy94 on Dec 14, 2018 6:55:49 GMT
So this is a long story but I’ll try and sum it up. First I don’t know if he is a FA but he seems to have the same descriptions. So I’ll satrt with some background about what I’ve found out about his past: In highschool he had a serious girlfriend and they dated for 5 years which went into college. They were long distance in college bc they went to different schools. They’re still from the same home town though. At this same time while he was dating her his parents went through a divorce and one of his parents got remarried four years later. Eventually him and his ex girlfriend broke up. Apparently through a mutual friend told me that he was obsessed with her while they were dating but i kinda got the impression in a weird way.... which is weird bc I don’t think he’s the same with me. So anyways they broke up almost two and a half years ago. So a little over a year ago him and I met in our college town. We met the last week of school before graduation. We hung out every night that week. Then it was time for us to both go home to our hometowns. We found out we are only about two hours away from eachother so I eventually went to stay and visit with him and I met his childhood friends and everyone. We are both living at home at this point btw. Anyways throughout this whole thing he had weird behaviors like I would feel like he didn’t like me but then he would act like he did etc. so we have been hooking up so one time when we were about to hook up I stopped and asked him how he felt about me and all this. And he told me he liked me so much and wanted to be with me and be exclusive. To me that is a boyfriend? I didn’t use the term though but I didn’t want to push him. So we long distance had this realationship and then one weekend we were both visiting our college friends in our college town for a football game and he was acting distant and weird so I confronted him and he gave this big speach about how he was moving to another city even farther away and starting a job and how he didn’t think he was ready for a girlfriend. So we live about four hours away and occasionally we would text/Snapchat etc. even though we aren’t together So I would visit that city bc I have friends that lived there and he would find out I was in town and ask me to meet up and I would say I was busy. This went on for almost a year. Then i found out I too was moving to the same exact city and I mentioned it to him. When I was visiting I agreed to hang out with him and we started to hook up and then I stopped him and said “I thought u didn’t want to be in a realationship” and he basically told me he misses me and thinks about me everyday and wants to be with me and that he didn’t know what he meant earlier on and was all nervous about moving to a new city and he wants to prove himself to me. So I agree. So he was pretty good and a lot better this time around and he seemed very into me. So for the past 8 months our realationship was very on and off. He rarely wanted to see me. Like we would see eachother once every two weeks and we never did stuff in public and it started to feel like I was being used. The thing that was weird though is at times he wouldn’t want to see me even if I mentioned how I wanted to hook up tonight. So the pattern of me confronting him and kinda blowing up at him and then he’d say he wasn’t ready for a realationship and all this stuff and how he is okay with not hooking up anymore. Then like two days later he’d start snap chatting me and act like everything was normal. And then the next time we hung out he’d say that he wants to be exclusive. So this happens all the time that it got to the point that I would just ignore when he said he didn’t want to be in a realationship rn. So the past month through we were really starting to hang out more and improve. The only thing that bothered me was that he did this weird thing we’re he would try to hide me from his friends? Like make us a secret. Ive met them all before though. They have told me in the past that he can be really moody and weird and he has anxiety attacks all the time and that they really think he likes me a lot and to be patient. Anyways so we are hanging out a lot more and I am feeling close to him and then he goes two days without texting me and I get kinda mad and confront him. He sends this long text about how he is not ready for a realationship and how we shouldn’t hook up and the typical and he adds that he is glad we are friends. I got really mad and told him that I was going to find someone who wanted to be with me and that I didn’t want to be his friend. Right when I sent that he blocked me on snap chat. I texted him about that and he said that if we can’t be friends than we shouldn’t. I then go on to apologize and say I’m open to still being friends. I even get desperate and say we could still hook up and I’d be open to the idea. He says he doesn’t think we should be connected at all and keeps saying he can’t be attached to anyone and he wants to be alone. He tells me he wants everyone to think of him as having a girlfriend when in reality he just wants to be alone and not attached to anyone. I beg him to rethink things and it’s been a week and I’ve reached out to him twice and he hasn’t replied. We saw eachother at a party and I pretend to not see him even though he kept inching towards me. What should I do? Any thoughts on this? I really love him and I am very patient too.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 14, 2018 16:53:53 GMT
If you really love him why is it so hard to respect his wishes? It seems he’s been pretty honest and needs time alone. Loving someone means honoring their needs to specially when they are plainly stated.
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 14, 2018 17:04:39 GMT
If you really love him why is it so hard to respect his wishes? It seems he’s been pretty honest and needs time alone. Loving someone means honoring their needs to specially when they are plainly stated. I don’t want to loose him is the thing |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 14, 2018 19:59:30 GMT
If you really love him why is it so hard to respect his wishes? It seems he’s been pretty honest and needs time alone. Loving someone means honoring their needs to specially when they are plainly stated. I don’t want to loose him is the thing If someone loves you, you don't lose them by giving them the space they require. Not doing so makes them feel disrespected and bulldozed, and can do much more damage. If they really need space to work themselves out (especially due to attachment issues) and you were that close, they'll usually come back in some capacity eventually IF they followed through on doing the work, even if it's just to be friends. That's why it's best for you to feel your feelings and mourn him but then let go enough to focus on yourself and do your own work instead of thinking about what he's doing. There's no guarantee you'll ever reconnect, but if you do your own healing work then either: you'll be in a place to be a better partner/friend if he does come back or you'll have moved on and will have a healthier relationship with someone else. Win-win for you! |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 14, 2018 20:12:27 GMT
When someone tells you that believe them. Let them be. Go live your best life.
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 14, 2018 22:55:22 GMT
I don’t want to loose him is the thing If someone loves you, you don't lose them by giving them the space they require. Not doing so makes them feel disrespected and bulldozed, and can do much more damage. If they really need space to work themselves out (especially due to attachment issues) and you were that close, they'll usually come back in some capacity eventually IF they followed through on doing the work, even if it's just to be friends. That's why it's best for you to feel your feelings and mourn him but then let go enough to focus on yourself and do your own work instead of thinking about what he's doing. There's no guarantee you'll ever reconnect, but if you do your own healing work then either: you'll be in a place to be a better partner/friend if he does come back or you'll have moved on and will have a healthier relationship with someone else. Win-win for you! What do you think his deal his? Do you think I’ve been too on his back and he needs space? Or do you think he really doesn’t ever want to talk to me again? Do you think he has feelings? |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 14, 2018 22:56:26 GMT
When someone tells you that believe them. Let them be. Go live your best life. Do you think he is being honest though? Do you think he doesn’t want to be with me? Or do you think he just wants space? |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 14, 2018 23:28:36 GMT
If someone loves you, you don't lose them by giving them the space they require. Not doing so makes them feel disrespected and bulldozed, and can do much more damage. If they really need space to work themselves out (especially due to attachment issues) and you were that close, they'll usually come back in some capacity eventually IF they followed through on doing the work, even if it's just to be friends. That's why it's best for you to feel your feelings and mourn him but then let go enough to focus on yourself and do your own work instead of thinking about what he's doing. There's no guarantee you'll ever reconnect, but if you do your own healing work then either: you'll be in a place to be a better partner/friend if he does come back or you'll have moved on and will have a healthier relationship with someone else. Win-win for you! What do you think his deal his? Do you think I’ve been too on his back and he needs space? Or do you think he really doesn’t ever want to talk to me again? Do you think he has feelings? Are you anxious preoccupied? It sounds like he may very well be FA, which would mean when he's away from you his anxiety gets activated due to fear of abandonment and he misses you, but when you get close and he thinks about commitment he feels a fear of engulfment, shutting down his nervous system and making him desire space. This would all be unconscious and have very little to do with you. It's his pre-existing baggage projected on to you. You can't do anything about it that would directly result in a healthy relationship between you two. Because, again, it is largely unrelated to you or what you're doing. If he was obsessed with his ex during their relationship, it was long-distance, and he actually is FA, that probably means she's more avoidant than you. But that does NOT mean it was healthy, or it may have lasted. You both sound quite young. He has a lot of work to do and he doesn't sound ready to do it. Get ahead of the curve, to minimize drama in your future romantic life no matter who it is with, by taking a look at yourself if you are anxious or otherwise insecurely attached yourself. Have you taken any of the online assessments? I wish I had awareness of this stuff when I was in my early/mid 20s. It's never too soon to start connecting better with yourself! |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 0:12:34 GMT
What do you think his deal his? Do you think I’ve been too on his back and he needs space? Or do you think he really doesn’t ever want to talk to me again? Do you think he has feelings? Are you anxious preoccupied? It sounds like he may very well be FA, which would mean when he's away from you his anxiety gets activated due to fear of abandonment and he misses you, but when you get close and he thinks about commitment he feels a fear of engulfment, shutting down his nervous system and making him desire space. This would all be unconscious and have very little to do with you. It's his pre-existing baggage projected on to you. You can't do anything about it that would directly result in a healthy relationship between you two. Because, again, it is largely unrelated to you or what you're doing. If he was obsessed with his ex during their relationship, it was long-distance, and he actually is FA, that probably means she's more avoidant than you. But that does NOT mean it was healthy, or it may have lasted. You both sound quite young. He has a lot of work to do and he doesn't sound ready to do it. Get ahead of the curve, to minimize drama in your future romantic life no matter who it is with, by taking a look at yourself if you are anxious or otherwise insecurely attached yourself. Have you taken any of the online assessments? I wish I had awareness of this stuff when I was in my early/mid 20s. It's never too soon to start connecting better with yourself! Thank you for replying. I think I might be anxious something? Do you think it’s a thing where she was more avoidant to him and that made him more focused on her? It’s almost like the less into him you are the more he gets attached? Or maybe it was a normal realationship except he was so attached to her that it became too much? Maybe he was the anxious one? Can people change attachment styles? |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 15, 2018 0:36:05 GMT
When someone tells you that believe them. Let them be. Go live your best life. Do you think he is being honest though? Do you think he doesn’t want to be with me? Or do you think he just wants space? Yes, I think hes being as honest as he can. Believe it no matter what attachment one has. He is not ready.
Set him free and do you and reflect on your own self and take the lessons learned.
My own DA/FA guy brought me here, I let him go, he needs to heal and cant be in a healthy relashionship at this time. I set him free.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2018 0:43:48 GMT
Are you anxious preoccupied? It sounds like he may very well be FA, which would mean when he's away from you his anxiety gets activated due to fear of abandonment and he misses you, but when you get close and he thinks about commitment he feels a fear of engulfment, shutting down his nervous system and making him desire space. This would all be unconscious and have very little to do with you. It's his pre-existing baggage projected on to you. You can't do anything about it that would directly result in a healthy relationship between you two. Because, again, it is largely unrelated to you or what you're doing. If he was obsessed with his ex during their relationship, it was long-distance, and he actually is FA, that probably means she's more avoidant than you. But that does NOT mean it was healthy, or it may have lasted. You both sound quite young. He has a lot of work to do and he doesn't sound ready to do it. Get ahead of the curve, to minimize drama in your future romantic life no matter who it is with, by taking a look at yourself if you are anxious or otherwise insecurely attached yourself. Have you taken any of the online assessments? I wish I had awareness of this stuff when I was in my early/mid 20s. It's never too soon to start connecting better with yourself! Thank you for replying. I think I might be anxious something? Do you think it’s a thing where she was more avoidant to him and that made him more focused on her? It’s almost like the less into him you are the more he gets attached? Or maybe it was a normal realationship except he was so attached to her that it became too much? Maybe he was the anxious one? Can people change attachment styles? Yes, people can change attachment styles, but often FA responds to a more avoidant person by getting anxious and a more anxious person by getting avoidant. Neither is better or more stable, both are unhealthy reactions emotionally. Because people can change attachment styles, though, that means if you are anxious, you can work your way towards secure by healing. It's not an easy thing to do, and it is time-consuming. If you are interested in learning your style, this link is helpful: www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plIf you are anxious, it's a good idea to avoid dating avoidant partners and to try to find someone more secure. The anxious/avoidant toxic "dance", also called "trap", is pretty well documented both on this board and if you google it in general. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 1:25:00 GMT
Thank you for replying. I think I might be anxious something? Do you think it’s a thing where she was more avoidant to him and that made him more focused on her? It’s almost like the less into him you are the more he gets attached? Or maybe it was a normal realationship except he was so attached to her that it became too much? Maybe he was the anxious one? Can people change attachment styles? Yes, people can change attachment styles, but often FA responds to a more avoidant person by getting anxious and a more anxious person by getting avoidant. Neither is better or more stable, both are unhealthy reactions emotionally. Because people can change attachment styles, though, that means if you are anxious, you can work your way towards secure by healing. It's not an easy thing to do, and it is time-consuming. If you are interested in learning your style, this link is helpful: www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plIf you are anxious, it's a good idea to avoid dating avoidant partners and to try to find someone more secure. The anxious/avoidant toxic "dance", also called "trap", is pretty well documented both on this board and if you google it in general. I don’t know if I’m anxious or not. I think I can be with him at times. I’m pretty understanding though and I really get him. I’m going to give him space right now. I guess do you personally think he still has feelings for me and they were getting stronger and that’s why he is avoiding me? |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 1:26:02 GMT
Do you think he is being honest though? Do you think he doesn’t want to be with me? Or do you think he just wants space? Yes, I think hes being as honest as he can. Believe it no matter what attachment one has. He is not ready.
Set him free and do you and reflect on your own self and take the lessons learned.
My own DA/FA guy brought me here, I let him go, he needs to heal and cant be in a healthy relashionship at this time. I set him free.
Do you think he starting getting stronger feelings and that’s why he is avoiding contact? |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 21:06:33 GMT
So I came up with some “boundaries” for me with my FA guy. I’m not going to have sex with him until I get that commitment that I truly need. Where he is calling me his girlfriend etc. I’m not doing this to get back at him but to also protect myself. Also I’m not going to be exclusive with him unless he wants to be my official boyfriend and I’m going to make sure we both have an understanding of each others needs. I am still open to seeing eachother but I’m not going to give him the girlfriend benefits without him giving me security. Are these what everyone is talking about with boundaries? Right now he isn’t talking with me so I am going to go NC for a month and I could reach out again later. Thoughts?
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 12:23:29 GMT
The only time we agreed on the terms of our realationship etc ( when it didn’t involve us about to hook up) was when he saw me with another guy. He texted me and got really emotional and when I asked “so do you want to be exclusive or not?” He said yes. Then the next day he texted me another long text about how he doesn’t think we should hook up/be exclusive or anything and just be friends. When I said “okay by friends then we mean friends with clothes on at all times” he said... “yes I agree I don’t want anyone to get hurt” and then literally the next day he is sending me all these snap chats even though I ignore them all. And then when we see eachother at a party and talk he laughs and says “we could never just be friends, I don’t know what I was talking about” he was intoxicated though. Anyways I just don’t know if he is using me or not? Lately he has been almost hiding me from his friends... like it’s weird. His friends have all hit on me before (the ones who he hasn’t interoduced me yet) and when I told them I was seeing him they were all like “waitttt you’re that girl” I was thinking he doesn’t want them seeing us together bc then people will assume were a couple? It’s just weird bc I have been just “hooking up” with guys in the past and they have never been secretive like that. Is he just using me? Or is he just weird?
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