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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 12:24:55 GMT
I wonder what discussions on being in a relationship you’ve had outside of times you were being physical? The times you mention above you seem to have stopped him while “hooking up” to get answers but what about when you were just together? It seems like you two want different things. He maybe confused on what he wants but ultimately if that’s true he shouldn’t be in a relationship. He needs to figure that out. I get that’s hard for you because you don’t want to loose him. You don’t have to if you can accept that this is who he is and let the romantic aspect of your relationship go. If you can’t- then you accept that you need to move on because you are causing each other to suffer. I get the feeling you are trying to make him see what he really wants based off of things he said things about that in the past. The past is done- things change. Where does he stand now? He seems to tell you he wants to be alone. I’d say you need to get 100% clear in what you want. Say it- and let’s the chips fall. But you have to be ready to accept that you might not like the answers. You need to stick to what you need in a relationship to be happy even if it means loosing him. You deserve a relationship that works for you. If you keep persuing one that doesn’t you are just hurting yourself. Also- an aside- it would be helpful for me and probably for you if you just posted in one place. Generally people read all over these boards and as long as you stay out of the support forums you will probably get the same level of response you are hoping for but it will be a cleaner discussion that is all in one place. The only time we agreed on the terms of our realationship etc ( when it didn’t involve us about to hook up) was when he saw me with another guy. He texted me and got really emotional and when I asked “so do you want to be exclusive or not?” He said yes. Then the next day he texted me another long text about how he doesn’t think we should hook up/be exclusive or anything and just be friends. When I said “okay by friends then we mean friends with clothes on at all times” he said... “yes I agree I don’t want anyone to get hurt” and then literally the next day he is sending me all these snap chats even though I ignore them all. And then when we see eachother at a party and talk he laughs and says “we could never just be friends, I don’t know what I was talking about” he was intoxicated though. Anyways I just don’t know if he is using me or not? Lately he has been almost hiding me from his friends... like it’s weird. His friends have all hit on me before (the ones who he hasn’t interoduced me yet) and when I told them I was seeing him they were all like “waitttt you’re that girl” I was thinking he doesn’t want them seeing us together bc then people will assume were a couple? It’s just weird bc I have been just “hooking up” with guys in the past and they have never been secretive like that. Is he just using me? Or is he just weird? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 16, 2018 15:31:49 GMT
Yes, people can change attachment styles, but often FA responds to a more avoidant person by getting anxious and a more anxious person by getting avoidant. Neither is better or more stable, both are unhealthy reactions emotionally. Because people can change attachment styles, though, that means if you are anxious, you can work your way towards secure by healing. It's not an easy thing to do, and it is time-consuming. If you are interested in learning your style, this link is helpful: www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plIf you are anxious, it's a good idea to avoid dating avoidant partners and to try to find someone more secure. The anxious/avoidant toxic "dance", also called "trap", is pretty well documented both on this board and if you google it in general. I don’t know if I’m anxious or not. I think I can be with him at times. I’m pretty understanding though and I really get him. I’m going to give him space right now. I guess do you personally think he still has feelings for me and they were getting stronger and that’s why he is avoiding me? Hi Kathy...I see so much of me in you....you can take a test but I do believe you will test Anxious Preoccupied. Look it up...read articles....watch YouTube videos. I know it is feels so important to understand him, to try to get answers about him...that is your activated nervous system and some very old tapes/learned behaviors. I have that too....it isn't bad...but it won't help you to win him back...as much as it feels like it will. I agree with other posters about picking one forum to post in...my recommendation is the anxious preoccupied section...and here is my challange to you. Every time you want to post a question about him....post instead a question about why that question is important. We would love to help you become strong and self confident so you can find a partner who can give you what you want and need. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 20:06:41 GMT
I don’t know if I’m anxious or not. I think I can be with him at times. I’m pretty understanding though and I really get him. I’m going to give him space right now. I guess do you personally think he still has feelings for me and they were getting stronger and that’s why he is avoiding me? Hi Kathy...I see so much of me in you....you can take a test but I do believe you will test Anxious Preoccupied. Look it up...read articles....watch YouTube videos. I know it is feels so important to understand him, to try to get answers about him...that is your activated nervous system and some very old tapes/learned behaviors. I have that too....it isn't bad...but it won't help you to win him back...as much as it feels like it will. I agree with other posters about picking one forum to post in...my recommendation is the anxious preoccupied section...and here is my challange to you. Every time you want to post a question about him....post instead a question about why that question is important. We would love to help you become strong and self confident so you can find a partner who can give you what you want and need. Thank you so much for your reply. I know I am posting on multiple boards so for now I’m just gonna stick to one board if I’m going to start a new thread. I just don’t understand why he Wouldn’t even be open to us seeing each other casually? Wasn’t that originally what he wanted? It’s almost like once I told him that I didn’t want to be “friends” anymore and that I was going to go look for someone else he got all weird. I even apologized the next morning and he still didn’t care. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 20:08:38 GMT
kathy94- I’m really sorry you are going through this. This sounds really confusing and emotionally taxing. He sounds very torn up and confused. I really hope you know this isn’t about you- it’s inside him. You literally can not do the right thing, say the right thing, or be anything that will help him come to grips with whatever has got him so all over the map. I can’t know how he feels or why he’s doing these things but I can say you don’t deserve it. No matter what your actions are you don’t deserved to be jerked around. Let him take his space to figure himself out or to be alone where he isn’t doing this to someone. You take yours to figure out why you want to peruse a relationship like this and heal whatever you need to in you so that you can find a healthy relationship and love yourself more than subjecting yourself to this dynamic. Life is about choices- if you choose to keep at this the likelihood you continue to suffer is high. If you choose to walk away it will absolutely hurt but this relationship has a lot to teach you about yourself and help you grow if you let it. I won’t tell you what is right for you- most of us chose to peruse the relationships here and had to learn these things on our own. You may need that too. To be clear- I’m not saying he’s bad or weird. You aren’t either. Avoidants and anxious just push the buttons of each other that drives us into childish reactions. We aren’t children now and someone needs to be the adult and say no. This isn’t right and I am not going to stand by this behavior in you or in myself. I just want to be able to prepare myself for when he does try and reach out to me? Then again I don’t know if he will bc blocking me on snap chat is the farthest he’s ever gone. Thank you again for reaching out this is helping me a lot. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 23:07:11 GMT
You told him you didn’t want to be friends and you were going to find someone else and you think it’s strange that he got weird? Wouldn’t that kind of comment be hurtful to you? It would be to me. I know with my ex-DA I said a lot of that kind of stuff out of desperation. I wanted him to see I had options and if he didn’t want me I would move on to someone else. Jealousy works wonders on making me stay around. Here’s the thing- that stuff drives an avoidant away real hard. Introduce distrust and it’s the beginning of the end. Of course they have feelings- they just aren’t good af accessing and expressing them. I spent half my life feeling used by my ex-DA. Come to find 18 years later that these sharp comments I said out of being mad, the jokes I told to tease him, the things I said to make him jealous really really hurt him. Now I was hurt too but that in no way excuses my behavior and him being hurt doesn’t excuse him. But if I could have had some empathy for him and taken some responsibility for myself we both could have saved a lot of heart ache. Just my experience. [br Thank you for your input. I’m not trying to defend myself at all. I’ just wanted to make it clear that the reason I said I was just going to look for someone else who wanted to be exclusive with me and how I didn’t want to be friends etc is bc he texted me saying “he wasn’t ready for a realationship or to be exclusive” Before I made my comment I kept trying to fish for him to admit how he felt about me. I kept saying “well I can’t hook up with someone who doesn’t have feelings for me” etc. he didn’t admit any feelings for me and that’s when I said that. The following morning I apologized and told him that I’m open to just casually seeing eachother and that we don’t have to be exclusive. That’s when he said he doesn’t want to anything and just wants to be alone etc. if I’m in the wrong then I would like to know. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 17, 2018 1:24:50 GMT
The first text I sent I told him that I was looking for someone who wanted to be exclusive with me and be my boyfriend. I told him that if he wasn’t ready for that that that was OK I just didn’t think we needed to be hooking up all the way and I’m the mean time I’m going to see other people. I told him we can still see each other though. Then I told him that if he truly wants to still be my friend he needs to on unblock me on Snapchat and that I don’t want to hate him but him blocking me makes me. Then like two days later I apologized and told him to disregard my Snapchat text and that I’m still open to seeing him and I’m open to also maybe hooking up. And then I said if that makes you uncomfortable with your attachment then it’s OK and I’m sure we’ll see each other around
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 17, 2018 1:46:44 GMT
The first text I sent I told him that I was looking for someone who wanted to be exclusive with me and be my boyfriend. I told him that if he wasn’t ready for that that that was OK I just didn’t think we needed to be hooking up all the way and I’m the mean time I’m going to see other people. I told him we can still see each other though. Then I told him that if he truly wants to still be my friend he needs to on unblock me on Snapchat and that I don’t want to hate him but him blocking me makes me. Then like two days later I apologized and told him to disregard my Snapchat text and that I’m still open to seeing him and I’m open to also maybe hooking up. And then I said if that makes you uncomfortable with your attachment then it’s OK and I’m sure we’ll see each other around Both of your boundaries seem very weak. You seem to go back and forth with him as much as he does. No judgement just an honest observation- I had no idea what a boundary was until 9 months ago. I’m still learning to use them and keep them myself. This stuff isn’t “whoops- I take it back, let’s just still be cool okay?” Territory. If you want an apology to really mean something and stick- it is really important to honestly reflect on what went wrong, why it happened how it may have affected them, what you can do differently and the steps you are taking to change. An apology without change means nothing to me. I don’t think I am alone in that. I don’t think you’ve gotten there yet. Maybe you will maybe you won’t. Right now I think you are still caught up in trying to decipher him and less about honestly looking at yourself then putting that into the context of the relationship you were in. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 17, 2018 2:10:22 GMT
The first text I sent I told him that I was looking for someone who wanted to be exclusive with me and be my boyfriend. I told him that if he wasn’t ready for that that that was OK I just didn’t think we needed to be hooking up all the way and I’m the mean time I’m going to see other people. I told him we can still see each other though. Then I told him that if he truly wants to still be my friend he needs to on unblock me on Snapchat and that I don’t want to hate him but him blocking me makes me. Then like two days later I apologized and told him to disregard my Snapchat text and that I’m still open to seeing him and I’m open to also maybe hooking up. And then I said if that makes you uncomfortable with your attachment then it’s OK and I’m sure we’ll see each other around Both of your boundaries seem very weak. You seem to go back and forth with him as much as he does. No judgement just an honest observation- I had no idea what a boundary was until 9 months ago. I’m still learning to use them and keep them myself. This stuff isn’t “whoops- I take it back, let’s just still be cool okay?” Territory. If you want an apology to really mean something and stick- it is really important to honestly reflect on what went wrong, why it happened how it may have affected them, what you can do differently and the steps you are taking to change. An apology without change means nothing to me. I don’t think I am alone in that. I don’t think you’ve gotten there yet. Maybe you will maybe you won’t. Right now I think you are still caught up in trying to decipher him and less about honestly looking at yourself then putting that into the context of the relationship you were in. Should I just reach out and tell him that I would like to continue seeing him and we don’t have to be exclusive as long as we aren’t having sex? I honestly would be okay with that, I just miss him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 17, 2018 3:23:19 GMT
Both of your boundaries seem very weak. You seem to go back and forth with him as much as he does. No judgement just an honest observation- I had no idea what a boundary was until 9 months ago. I’m still learning to use them and keep them myself. This stuff isn’t “whoops- I take it back, let’s just still be cool okay?” Territory. If you want an apology to really mean something and stick- it is really important to honestly reflect on what went wrong, why it happened how it may have affected them, what you can do differently and the steps you are taking to change. An apology without change means nothing to me. I don’t think I am alone in that. I don’t think you’ve gotten there yet. Maybe you will maybe you won’t. Right now I think you are still caught up in trying to decipher him and less about honestly looking at yourself then putting that into the context of the relationship you were in. Should I just reach out and tell him that I would like to continue seeing him and we don’t have to be exclusive as long as we aren’t having sex? I honestly would be okay with that, I just miss him. Kathy...I don't think you have really thought that through...what you are saying is that you are ok with him seeing other girls and possibly having sex with them as long as you can still see him. Are you truly ok with that??? I am friends with B and I can tell you it is cjphallanging to not get all truiggered when he talks honestly with me about hanging out with other girls...and these are not girls he is dating..just spending time with. Really consider that before deciding to reach out and offer that to him. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 17, 2018 3:54:36 GMT
Both of your boundaries seem very weak. You seem to go back and forth with him as much as he does. No judgement just an honest observation- I had no idea what a boundary was until 9 months ago. I’m still learning to use them and keep them myself. This stuff isn’t “whoops- I take it back, let’s just still be cool okay?” Territory. If you want an apology to really mean something and stick- it is really important to honestly reflect on what went wrong, why it happened how it may have affected them, what you can do differently and the steps you are taking to change. An apology without change means nothing to me. I don’t think I am alone in that. I don’t think you’ve gotten there yet. Maybe you will maybe you won’t. Right now I think you are still caught up in trying to decipher him and less about honestly looking at yourself then putting that into the context of the relationship you were in. Should I just reach out and tell him that I would like to continue seeing him and we don’t have to be exclusive as long as we aren’t having sex? I honestly would be okay with that, I just miss him. Honestly. No. This is my opinion here, I am obviously not your keeper or moral compass. But from where I sit- you are not allowed to reach back out until you have really seen and owned your part in this. Do you think you’ve done nothing wrong? You have some serious reflecting of who you are and how you affect people to do. Until then- you are toxic to him and it is unfair of you to push yourself back onto someone who is trying to distance themselves from you. I get that you don’t see it. I didn’t see it in myself either and it sucks to see yourself as toxic. But that’s the nature of this dynamic- we hurt each other. You hurt him. He hurts you. It’s not intentional- it feels rationale to each side. But his side leaves. You won’t. That’s how it goes. He gets hurt he backs out- away from you is his relief. For you- you get hurt and pulling him closer is your relief. He is probably not suffering over you- they don’t hold on like that so don't think that your presence will ease him the way he would yours. There is no romantic pineing away on his end and you can swoop in and reunite and everyone is happy again. It’s not a reflection of you- it’s just how they deal. Hard to comprehend I’m sure but it’s just their defenses. Leave him be. Work on yourself and don’t go to him unless you have honestly taken responsibility for yourself and what you want. That’ll take more than one month I can promise you that. Just my opinion. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 17, 2018 5:46:53 GMT
Should I just reach out and tell him that I would like to continue seeing him and we don’t have to be exclusive as long as we aren’t having sex? I honestly would be okay with that, I just miss him. Kathy...I don't think you have really thought that through...what you are saying is that you are ok with him seeing other girls and possibly having sex with them as long as you can still see him. Are you truly ok with that??? I am friends with B and I can tell you it is cjphallanging to not get all truiggered when he talks honestly with me about hanging out with other girls...and these are not girls he is dating..just spending time with. Really consider that before deciding to reach out and offer that to him. As long as he’s okay with me seeing other guys as well and then in that case we can’t hook up. I’m not even saying I’m pushing him for a realationship right now. I just want us to hang out with out pressure. Kinda go slower. I genuinely miss talking to him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 17, 2018 7:35:08 GMT
Kathy...I don't think you have really thought that through...what you are saying is that you are ok with him seeing other girls and possibly having sex with them as long as you can still see him. Are you truly ok with that??? I am friends with B and I can tell you it is cjphallanging to not get all truiggered when he talks honestly with me about hanging out with other girls...and these are not girls he is dating..just spending time with. Really consider that before deciding to reach out and offer that to him. As long as he’s okay with me seeing other guys as well and then in that case we can’t hook up. I’m not even saying I’m pushing him for a realationship right now. I just want us to hang out with out pressure. Kinda go slower. I genuinely miss talking to him. I understand you miss him...I really, really do...but it takes 2 people who want the same thing and I don't know that the two of you truly do want that. I would love nothing more than to date B again.....that is on me....because he has never said anything about dating me...it is just a friendship on his side. I am concerned by your use of "for now"...because it sounds like you want to see him casually with a goal of winning him back. TIs that the end goal? |
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