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Thoughts?
Dec 15, 2018 21:04:11 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 21:04:11 GMT
So I came up with some “boundaries” for me with my FA guy. I’m not going to have sex with him until I get that commitment that I truly need. Where he is calling me his girlfriend etc. I’m not doing this to get back at him but to also protect myself. Also I’m not going to be exclusive with him unless he wants to be my official boyfriend and I’m going to make sure we both have an understanding of each others needs. I am still open to seeing eachother but I’m not going to give him the girlfriend benefits without him giving me security. Are these what everyone is talking about with boundaries? Right now he isn’t talking with me so I am going to go NC for a month and I could reach out again later. Thoughts?
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 16, 2018 0:34:06 GMT
I think every person needs different boundaries. If the guidelines about when you are sexually involved or exclusive are what you want, it sounds like a reasonable set of boundaries. Just make sure it's about stating what you want and sticking to it, not an effort to manipulate him into being your girlfriend. Perhaps the difference may be how you use/communicate those boundaries, when, etc.
On the last part though, what's going on there? Is going to NC for a month really what you want, or is it a "well he isn't talking to me so I just won't talk to him!!" sort of situation? The latter would probably be more an example of insecure attachment playing out than just boundary setting.
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Thoughts?
Dec 16, 2018 6:46:00 GMT
via mobile
Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 6:46:00 GMT
I think every person needs different boundaries. If the guidelines about when you are sexually involved or exclusive are what you want, it sounds like a reasonable set of boundaries. Just make sure it's about stating what you want and sticking to it, not an effort to manipulate him into being your girlfriend. Perhaps the difference may be how you use/communicate those boundaries, when, etc. On the last part though, what's going on there? Is going to NC for a month really what you want, or is it a "well he isn't talking to me so I just won't talk to him!!" sort of situation? The latter would probably be more an example of insecure attachment playing out than just boundary setting. Thank you for your response. I just feel like I’m enabling him in a way if I were to be physical with him without the emotions. not saying that he can be avoidant when it comes to being physical as well. I just think personally that a physical act should be met with security. What he doesn’t understand is I am completely OK with us not talking all the time as long as he is just honest and tells me when he’s feeling triggered and needs alone time. then I would understand when he goes a few days without talking to me. I just get all paranoid and would like reassurance. it’s almost like if he could just text me once a day a text that says “yes I still want to be with you”. The reason I’m going no contact is described in one of my earlier posts. I believe you might have commented on it? It’s where I gave a detailed description of what’s been going on in our relationship if you don’t mind looking at that it would really help me thank you |
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